starting over... again
Musician
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: In The Swamp
Posts: 49
starting over... again
Hello people.
well, i had almost 20 months and just recently blown it.. The guilt and the let down is almost unbearable. No incidents or anything, but the shame is tough. I have not spoken to my sponsor yet, or went to a meeting. Still trying to dry out. feel like a slug and I do not want to go out or anything. The reason i think i went back out was because I did not see enough change and i felt i was not part of the program, granted i did the step work, up to step 10.. just did not feel connected to the people at the meetings and felt like an outsider. basically, the promises did not come to fruition. my mindset was probably messed up and i did not have enough gratitude. I guess i am just venting and needed to get this out, i have not shared this relapse with many people, a few friends. thanks for reading.
well, i had almost 20 months and just recently blown it.. The guilt and the let down is almost unbearable. No incidents or anything, but the shame is tough. I have not spoken to my sponsor yet, or went to a meeting. Still trying to dry out. feel like a slug and I do not want to go out or anything. The reason i think i went back out was because I did not see enough change and i felt i was not part of the program, granted i did the step work, up to step 10.. just did not feel connected to the people at the meetings and felt like an outsider. basically, the promises did not come to fruition. my mindset was probably messed up and i did not have enough gratitude. I guess i am just venting and needed to get this out, i have not shared this relapse with many people, a few friends. thanks for reading.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
I hope you will get back on track and continue to work on your recovery. Shame is a huge part of addiction, but you need to try to get past it.
I'm sorry you didn't feel connected to people in the program. I don't use AA, but I definitely feel a connection to people here at SR. We are all on the same journey, at different places on the road, but we're all moving along together. People here understand.
I'm sorry you didn't feel connected to people in the program. I don't use AA, but I definitely feel a connection to people here at SR. We are all on the same journey, at different places on the road, but we're all moving along together. People here understand.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: On my way
Posts: 173
i am also starting over AGAIN...been trying to do this on my own for almost 4 years--I drank on Sunday, and went to my first meeting last night. I don't know that much about it yet, but I am now willing to try anything, I know I can not do this on my own, I've known for awhile but was hoping I could I guess.
Don't beat yourself down too hard, shame is one of the worst parts, but think about how great you felt.....At least you know you are capable of it, just need to find what works for you to make it last.
Good luck and I hope you keep posting
Don't beat yourself down too hard, shame is one of the worst parts, but think about how great you felt.....At least you know you are capable of it, just need to find what works for you to make it last.
Good luck and I hope you keep posting
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In my head...tis dark in here!
Posts: 213
I had a drink on Saturday...didnt finish it tho as I just didnt enjoy it for some strange reason... I had 14 days clear before that...but IMO counting the days is making the whole thing too obssessive for me... i dont feel that I 'fell off' at all or that I need to 'start again'. ...it's just part of the journey ...and finding out what works for you...dont be too hard on yourself, you're human...like someone else said, you are able to do it, you did it for 20 months...but if it still feels like you are existing instead of 'living' ..and still always trying to resist temptation, then I guess a different course of action is required (?)...good luck
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 652
As keen2bclean said "Don't be to hard on yourself "
l understand that you didn't go mad, did not wake up in jail and it was not neccesary that you went to the ER.
Just dust your self off.
A stumble may prevent a fall.
English Proverb
l understand that you didn't go mad, did not wake up in jail and it was not neccesary that you went to the ER.
Just dust your self off.
A stumble may prevent a fall.
English Proverb
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by swampy 
... just did not feel connected to the people at the meetings and felt like an outsider...
The long-term solution for me is to stay connected to some person or group outside myself .
Musician
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: In The Swamp
Posts: 49
Thanks for the responses. I will try and not beat myself up too much. There was another post by Rochedad and he was wondering why so many people are relapsing here on this board. Speaking for myself, I thought I was working a good program, however, I started to become resentful of people in the program (AA and NA), went to both and again, did not feel connected. Actually creeped out by some of the people. And of course I was comparing myself to others in recovery that seemed to be progressing more and having new relationships and better life situations. I guess i was jealous to a degree. Granted, I did learn alot by doing the 10 steps that i did, i no longer loathe myself and actually have some self respect. again, rambling.. thanks for reading.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((Swampy)))))
Thank you for being honest and starting this thread.
Ah Ha. there is some of the promise!
Yep, my sponsor had to CONSTANTLY remind me that everyone was different, that we each progressed at our own rate, that what I was seeing in others was their "outsides" not their insides, that until "I walked a mile in their shoes" I better stick with what I actually had, and on and on and on ........................... but it kept me going to meetings.
Yes I did change some meetings, the ones where I didn't feel connected and looked for and found ones where I did feel 'a part of.'
You too can do this. Have a good long talk with your sponsor, telling them what you have posted here along with the rest of what you haven't posted.
Feeling shame is just not productive. You did what alcoholics do you drank. To be sober is an 'unnatural' condition for us.
You are alright, get 'back on the horse' so to speak and your ES&H from this episode is going to help others!
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Thank you for being honest and starting this thread.
i no longer loathe myself and actually have some self respect. again,
And of course I was comparing myself to others in recovery that seemed to be progressing more and having new relationships and better life situations. I guess i was jealous to a degree.
Yes I did change some meetings, the ones where I didn't feel connected and looked for and found ones where I did feel 'a part of.'
You too can do this. Have a good long talk with your sponsor, telling them what you have posted here along with the rest of what you haven't posted.
Feeling shame is just not productive. You did what alcoholics do you drank. To be sober is an 'unnatural' condition for us.
You are alright, get 'back on the horse' so to speak and your ES&H from this episode is going to help others!
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: 45 degrees latitude
Posts: 129
Hi swampy,
One way I'm looking at it: nearly two sober years will give you plenty of stuff to use to "look forward to" on your new journey. Things that you experienced that you now know will come again, but only if you're patient and strong. I've only got 90 days worth of said "stuff", but it's been helping a lot! I say all this because one member here (can't remember off the top of my head and don't want to lose all this while checking that thread) said that I shouldn't count my past sober time as lost. I didn't lose it when relapsing. Neither did you swampy!
No matter what
best of luck and I am glad to have you here
One way I'm looking at it: nearly two sober years will give you plenty of stuff to use to "look forward to" on your new journey. Things that you experienced that you now know will come again, but only if you're patient and strong. I've only got 90 days worth of said "stuff", but it's been helping a lot! I say all this because one member here (can't remember off the top of my head and don't want to lose all this while checking that thread) said that I shouldn't count my past sober time as lost. I didn't lose it when relapsing. Neither did you swampy!
No matter what
best of luck and I am glad to have you here Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
"i have not shared this relapse with many people"
You have now!!! Smile...
Don't beat yourself up. 10 mo is amazing and longer than I have gone since I started drinking. It was a slip. I know those who are more hard core will insist on calling it a relapse. You have 10 months of something in the bank that you are still getting interest on. Revert to a drinking lifestyle (mindset) for 10 months and that goes away. Humbly on day 40 myself. Sounds like you are just stressed out in general. Maybe try something new.... Smart, other group or private sessions. The key as best I can figure out is to do the work on yourself that you need to do. Again, don't beat yourself up...
You have now!!! Smile...
Don't beat yourself up. 10 mo is amazing and longer than I have gone since I started drinking. It was a slip. I know those who are more hard core will insist on calling it a relapse. You have 10 months of something in the bank that you are still getting interest on. Revert to a drinking lifestyle (mindset) for 10 months and that goes away. Humbly on day 40 myself. Sounds like you are just stressed out in general. Maybe try something new.... Smart, other group or private sessions. The key as best I can figure out is to do the work on yourself that you need to do. Again, don't beat yourself up...
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