yankees24

Ugh, where to start. Im not exactly new to this forum but it has been a while since ive signed on and im sure you can guess why. Fourth of July got the best of me after I strung together a little over two weeks clean (the most ive ever had) and i pretty much just kept on sinking. Alcohol and pharmacuticals, the story of my life...Anyway, im back again, detoxed and feeling better. I made it a point to not come back here on day one and two etc. I just diddnt wanna flood you all with negativity, which is all it would have done, plus i was too down to write anything constructive anyway. But here i am again, Day 8 with a renewed sense of self and a great hope that this last relapse will be my last. For the first time Im dealing with my issues instead of just removing the chemicals i use to mask my true feelings. Im only 24 but i have great concern to my health as I have put enormous strain on my liver from all the alcohol, opiates and anti anxiety medication ive lived off the past 6 years. I cant put my family or myself through this anymore, even though they all see me as the boy who cries wolf, over and over. It hurts to know that their faith in me is almost non existant (justifibly so after so many letdowns on my part) but this also motivates me to show them I do still have it in me to become the person they imagined me to be when they gave birth to me, I couldnt imagine my son putting themselves through what i put myself through. Im a sick ******* guy, the way i glorify this "party" i call my pathetic life. Its scary to know im gonna have to totally deconstruct who i am, who i know, deflate my ego, but i think its time to come back down and face what ive become. Thanks for listening, just writing this will help me sleep tonight. Bless you all.

SomeCallMeTim

Welcome back!! Wishing you all the best. :praying

MycoolFitz

Welcome back. When here, and I mean in the now here, not this forum, but this is good too, everything is possible. We're walking, talking miracles ready to pull ourselves up by the ears out of the hat. Drunk/high,abrra kadabra, sober/clean. It happens all the time, the real magic is in keeping it happening moment by moment and there's lots of good people out there that know the secret which is really no secret at all. You say: "Its scary to know im gonna have to totally deconstruct who i am, who i know, deflate my ego". The good news is there is no enduring perminate self to deconstruct, in flux from birth to death and as for the ego its only a collection of stories told to us and stories we tell ourselves. Rather than focusing on deconstructing, how about reconstructing or just constructing? Clean, sober--all things are possible from this base and its always available to us. It is us without the picking up, that's what is not real, not us. We're so fortunate to have this life and this opportunity.

Your life isn’t contained in your goals or your memories or these few cubic feet of flesh. Your life is simply this, what is taking place here, now. There’s no inside or outside. Furthermore, you see that it’s always been this way…You already have everything you need to understand human life fully—not to be confused, not to be frightened, not to habitually long for things, not to suffer. All of this is already yours right now.”—Steve Hagen

Namaste

Dee74

glad you made it back Yankees

D

marty888

Glad your back mate. Good work on the 8 days

tanyapmc

Welcome!

smacked

I'm glad you're back, Yankees. Sounds (reads) like you're ready to be done, at least more so than you had been. Stay safe!

yankees24

Thank you everyone, it feels good to be back.

Anna

This makes me think of the title of Mia Farrow's autobiography "What Falls Away". What fell away from me, at my bottom, was so much of what I had believed about myself and my life. There was very little left of me. But what was left, was the real me.

Welcome back!