four812

after doing so well and coming within only one week of living 6 months sober and crack-free....I relapsed last thursday night.

I had been on shaky ground before hand, I had felt it and was aware of it and wrote about it and shared about it. But it seemed I just couldn't get out of it. I was full of anger and hate. spitefulness was consuming my mind thoughts, every day, for about a week. with this uncomfortablness came thoughts about using and drinking a few times a day. I would get through these thoughts by pulling out my tool bag and going to meetings, calling someone, a few times meditating, and others. then another wave would come.

No matter what I did I seemeded to be stuck in anger and hatred for the world. well I was projecting it out into the world, specifically towards almost every person i saw or thought of. sometimes it was more hateful, and sometimes it was simply spiteful, and sometimes it was just being "urked" or "annjoyed", and sometimes just dismissive of others.

So I felt stuck. and I stayed stuck. and then I used, and went to work the next day and proceeded with my life with no interruptions except for some aches and pains, and less money in my wallet.

I was lucky again: No jail. No heart attack. No car accident. No deaths.

I've stayed clean since then and I started back up my regular patterns and then yesterday with the meeting that I open on sunday mornings, and I continued on with my sunday evening meeting that I had one more week of a service work commitment.

that sunday evening meeting kept me clean during the day. It was at the sunday evening meeting i shared about my relapse. I was feeling seperate from the group and like an outcast before my share...and after the meeting and after receiving genuine support and acceptance from the group (one of my homegroups), I felt much better as the secret was finally out.

I'm already feeling more connected to my higher power, the universe, and attended another meeting this morning.

I'm glad to be clean and sober today, and I'm more focused on living in today and on living in this very moment of today.

In going forward, I have to continue to work on balance. I'm good about going to meetings, and working the steps, and calling my sponsor and AA friends, and socializing. But still...I lost my balance because i was wobbling. If i had better balance i might not have fallen.

some areas of recovery that I've been having difficulty with have been:
1. meditating twice a day for 20 minutes.
2. excercising on almost a daily frequency (5-6 days a week min.)
3. writing every single day...no matter what.
4. listening to others at meetings. I will try and not share a meetings for a couple weeks in order to re-enforce my need to listen better.

I appreciate the support i've received during the last year...

one thing for me to remember is that it truly is progress and not perfection. and if that is the truth then I am definitely progressing; during the last 10 months or so I have only used 3 times and drank 0 times. I'm pleased about that and I know I will get long term sobriety.

so it's back to work...recovery work...with a renewed vigilance for "balance" in my recovery.

tommyk

Thanks for your honesty, and welcome back...!

Use it as a learning experience, do everything necessary to prevent another instance.

four812

thanks tommyk....

four812

i've had a nice time on SR here this morning....i'm thankful for this opportunity to listen to others and to experience their challenges in recovery. almost always they mirror my own.

i'm off to continue on in my corner of the universe: my recovery universe re-hab center. I will look to this day with recovery thoughts and work and grow as best I can.

least

You know the drill: dust yourself off, forgive yourself, learn from it, and move forward again.

Anna

Ksplash,

It sounds like you are learning things from this experience.

And, I agree with your routine of meditating, exercise, etc. I find it SO important to my recovery to keep my life balanced every day. When I miss something for a day or two, I pay the price with feeling bad about myself.

I'm glad you posted about your experience.

Thentram

Well done jumping right back in to recovery! I can't count the number of times I've let 1-night relapses turn into something much more. Every single time I've wished I just let it stop at that 1 night. Thank you for sharing this!

four812

thanks for the additional responses.

i still haven't left SR!

and while i was here...moments ago i got a call from what was probably a dealer. I didn't answer it....but immediately i thought about using....that i have nothing scheduled that i can't cancel....

but i have therapy this afternoon....I have to go to that....
and i have yoga tonight and i have to go to that

so I'll now erase all phone numbers on my phone so i can't call them back
there erased.

I need to get off line and get some more balanced recovery in my day.

tyler

You're doing well!! While I'd hesitate to call a relapse I good thing, sometimes it is the smack upside the head we need to re-evaluate what we need to do daily to keep clean. Good job erasing those phone #'s, took me a long time just to take that step. Sounds like you are learning and turning a negative experience into a positive one. Take care.

Horselover

Welcome back KSplash and good for you for getting back on the horse, so to speak! I always fear if I give in to a craving will I be able to get back to a recovery program. I am so happy that you were able to. Hugs - Sarah

JFRUIT

KSPLASH Thanks for sharing my DOC is crack and it was always anger,resentments, jeaousy that triggers my using. I am 83 days clean what I would give to reach the six month mark. Our souls and character have been shattered by the devils candy. If you feel that way take the day off from the world, sleep, execise , music.

Aysha

Sounds like you arent too set back by it. Which is a good thing. Its never good to slip. But I would rather see someone get right back up and carry on and know that they need to do something differently. I am so glad you are not beating yourself up. Thtat always makes me stay stuck in that rut when I get all upset and depressed about it. It happened. Its over. Now you know. Move on and move forward. I am proud of you for that. And I am so glad your safe.

Wolfchild

It works if you work it.
Welcome back to life.

four812

thanks for all the wonderful and supportive responses.

i just came back on-line and was hoping for some positive respons3es. this site is so wonderful for that. i'm grateful for that

I went to another meeting and am doing good and leaving now for yoga.,...

just for today i will stay clean and be the best loving person that i am today.

peace

Dee74

I'm glad you're back on track ksplash

D