Originally Posted by Chamabama

Good Morning! I fell asleep very early in front of the tv (not normal for me). I think I was really tired on top of everything else.

I feel 100% better this morning and I feel like I want to do a debriefing of sorts. Although I didn't drink, I still want to learn and remember what worked to defuse the desire. Sorta like learning from the relapse although the relapse was in my thinking/feelings not in my actions.

First there was the pain and wallowing that I was having a hard time distracting myself from and/or just feeling it. I'll talk to my therapist about this.

Then came the 'stinkin thinkin'. As I was walking home I found myself justifying to my therapist why I had went out and drank. My rational mind stepped in and noticed how totally defensive my argument was, "Yes Dr., I went out and had a drink. Anyway, my problem isn't with going out, my problem is drinking too much alone. I never drink too much while I'm out, so what I did wasn't bad." My rational brain reminded me of how I've read this kind of rationalization on SR, and it has never impressed me. My rational brain reminded me that my therapist has never even expressed an opinion on whether I should quit drinking. This was something I decided, I did... and then I joined SR, and then I told my therapist. The minute I start justifying my behaviors to others, I already have a problem. I quit because I wanted to, not because of anyone else.

I realized that my rational brain needed some serious back-up; it was weak. I wrote out a post on SR. Just writing it helped shore up the rational brain. The wonderful, supportive responses I got finished up the job. Rational brain was now louder than Alcoholic brain.

With rational brain more in control, I took a few more steps to disarm the alcoholic voice. I ate a pound of strawberries dipped in chocolate. I took off my makeup, put my hair back and put on my pjs, thus making it much more difficult to go out. I turned off my phone to avoid that last call I knew I was going to get, "Are you sure you don't want us to swing by and pick you up?"

This morning I feel fresh, not hung-over, proud and accomplished. I am SO happy I didn't drink. If I had drank, I would be hung-over, ashamed and frankly, I'd much more than likely be on the way to the store to get more booze, regardless of if I'd had too much last night. I would certainly have too much today. I know I can drink reasonable in front of people. Problem is, it leads me to drink unreasonable behind closed doors.

I'm writing this out to remind myself of what works. And again, to thank you all for stepping in and supporting me. My rational brain desperately needed reinforcement and that's what you all gave me, both here and via pm. It was your support that tipped the power balance away from the crazy brain. I am very grateful.

I feel good today; both physically and mentally. Thank you for helping me get through that!