Chamabama

I had a really brutal (the good for ya kind of brutal) therapy session on Wednesday and I'm having a really hard time bouncing back. My brain is obsessing on past crap and I've done everything I know of to divert the thoughts. Meditation, lots of exercise, lots of volunteer work, lots of house cleaning.

I've been sober just over a month and this is the first time I REALLY, REALLY want to drink. And the invitations to go out just keep rolling in. My friends are not big drinkers and I have gone out with them before and not had a problem. But I KNOW that right now I can't. I honestly don't even want to see them unless I can drink. (Which is not saying anything bad about them, they are wonderful, I'm just not feeling like I can put on my game face.)

I don't even know why I'm writing this. I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to go out. I know this will pass. It just sucks, that's all. It's not that I want to numb out. It's more like I feel this overwhelming despair and hopelessness and a kinda "F it!" what does it matter if I drink? But it does matter and even though I feel like I don't care, I really do care.

Sorry for venting. :sorry

Dee74

Venting and posting about it is what we're here for Chamabama. I think you're doing all the right things - keeping busy, not going out to bars or whatever, and posting here.

Things aren't hopeless, and neither are you.

You're getting somewhere here

That stuff that got stirred up in the therapy session is history - it's yesterday.

It's not easy, but the past haunts me, I try really hard to focus on the good things I have in my life now, today.

Keep posting Chama!
hugs

D

Anna

I'm glad you came here and posted.

I found that so many things in my life changed during the first months of recovery. At times it was overwhelming, in that things that had been 'me' for so long, were no longer me. I think you're making the right decision for yourself by not going out right now. I think we know intuitively what we need (not necessarily what we want) and that's what keeps us on the right path.

least

SR is for venting your frustrations, and venting helps keep us from giving in to the destructive urges. Keep posting your feelings! This too shall pass.:ghug3

eoghanacht

:ghug3Chama my friend (yep, I added you as my friend!), you can vent all you like...get it all out of your system!! That is one thing that I have learnt from talking to people (online)-in the past, going thru bad times or have had terrible things happen to them. Get it out! So no need to say sorry.
Also, a small suggestion- what about getting one of those punchbag things (the type boxers use)- to take out frustrations on that? (you could use a pillow for now). Just an idea.
As for the other stuff.. I am proud of you. You have gotten all this way without touching that crap (drink)- Well Done YOU!!! You have gotten this far chama, you can stay the distance.. life throws it's challenges at us- look at what happened to me the past couple of days- doesn't make any difference whther we are black or white or male or female, we have choices to make, and we make those choices, we choose whther or not to drink or give in to temptation. I know you can be strong because you took the first step not just by stopping drinking but also for your therapy- you chose that path, and in my opinion you chose the right path!
You take care

shelly009

Therapy always made me want to drink. Everytime I went to therapy I would leave and go and down about 10 beer. However, it was BECAUSE of therapy that I finally made the choice to quit. Once all that crap is out of you (that therapy brings up) you might find staying sober alot easier. For me it was all the built up anger resentment etc from the past that kept me drinking, once I got through that with therapy and learned to love myself again, I no longer want to keep drinking. Dont get me wrong, I still have cravings but I think therapy really helped to make me feel like I am worth more than that.

Its great that you are sticking to it, I know it can be hard but its oooh so worth it in the end. Do whatever you need to get you through. Do you like cookies? Chocolate? A new car? You deserve it?

Rowan

I think I understand. I'm going through a brutal time right now and I know I won't drink but the overwhelming despair and hopelessness you speak of - I'm right there with you.

Your short time here at SR has helped me a lot - I always look forward to reading your shares.

Keep reaching out and sharing. It helps us all.

Latte

I just play it through. Nothing is made better by drinking for me today. Today is so much better than yesterday and tomorrow has many promises as I stay sober.

Vent away, it is so nice to get it all out.

Chamabama

Thanks all! I know rationally that things aren't hopeless. But I still feel like that sometimes. I try to rationalize with myself and I believe everything I say, but I still feel differently. Don't know if that makes sense.

Seriously, I am not fit for human consumption today. I don't know what the heck is wrong with me. I'm having a major pity party and it disgusts me.

I think I need to go to Whole Foods and buy myself a sweet treat and then get in my pjs (at 5pm!) and just settle in for the evening. As long as I'm still in my day clothes, there's that little tiny temptation to go out and *enjoy* my friends. It's such a beautiful day today. Urgh!

Chamabama

I'm really sorry you're going through this crap too! I do hope you feel better soon. Thank you for saying such kind things to me!

joedris

Chamabama, You're doing all the right things and making the right decisions. Keep that up and you wiil achieve sobriety. Remember the AA promises (if you're ever heard them. If not, look them up) "Are these extravagant promises?...they are being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."

Gypsy Feet

Get yourself the sweet treat and the pjs. I have done that often in my early sobriety and it really helps.

Chamabama

I think I was closer to drinking than I even admitted to myself. Wow! That's crappy!

I'm safe now. Went to market and bought some strawberries. They're cleaned and drying right now. I'm gonna melt a bar of chocolate and dip them. I'm in my pjs. Hair pulled back, makeup off. Gonna be hanging around sr a lot tonight I think. I'm feeling rather needy.

Joedris - I don't do AA, but I do know that I made the right choices tonight and for that, I am grateful.

And I'm very grateful that you all responded so quickly and supportively. I really needed that. I hope that I can be wise enough to do the same for someone sometime.

Thanks for the hugs Dee!

Waterman

Many of us have suffered trauma that we dwell on during sobriety. That's excruciating, but it will pass....

Sweets79

I feel that way too.

Today I really wanted a drink bad, but I didn't have one. It's really hard.

I let something so minute get to me. I thought about it, and said I'm not gonna let this trigger affect me in the way it normally would. (Going to the liquor store). I cried, got it out, but didn't allow myself to dwell on it all day, like I normally would. It's a new and different behavior for me. I'm not used to letting myself feel emotional pain for too long without numbing it, and it's no freakin picnic. I know I will be a better person for it. I feel like it's paying off a little now, but not as much as I want. I believe one day it will all be worth it. Anything is better than drinking and sitting on the couch and gaining weight and than starting the cycle all over again the next day.

I tried to have patience that this feeling will pass. It's time to learn how to deal with feeling like sh*t and just feel it, and not drink. Very tough, but it can be done.

Chamabama

I'm glad you made the right decision too! I know I have to learn to "sit" with it without using any maladaptive coping mechanisms (can you tell I'm in therapy, LOL?). It's hard but I'm trying.

I hope you're feeling better tonight!

Sweets79

Thanks hun,

The feeling passed a little, but it's still lingering there.

I have 2 months, and today was one of the days where I was really craving bad. I haven't had too many of those luckily. It really is a big change when you're so used to self-medicating. Sitting with those feelings is one of the toughest things I can think of.

I believe it does get easier. It's just getting over this hump, which I believe is like anything else you start in the beginning. It's always hard and then seems to get easier. I'm glad I didn't drink today, and I'm glad you didn't drink today. That shows alot of strength It just gets us nowhere. I really need to be in touch with myself and learn better coping skills.

I hope you're feeling better too!

jade09

Hey Chama
Sorry to hear you are struggling....you always seem so positive and strong, and in control!!! It's ok to vent it out....that's what will help you get through the down parts of the cycle. There is nothing easy about this, so I'm pretty sure it's ok to have some bad days....just have to keep doing all the positive things that are working for you and keep moving foward. Be proud of yourself and enjoy the strawberries I admire your strength

Chamabama

Good Morning! I fell asleep very early in front of the tv (not normal for me). I think I was really tired on top of everything else.

I feel 100% better this morning and I feel like I want to do a debriefing of sorts. Although I didn't drink, I still want to learn and remember what worked to defuse the desire. Sorta like learning from the relapse although the relapse was in my thinking/feelings not in my actions.

First there was the pain and wallowing that I was having a hard time distracting myself from and/or just feeling it. I'll talk to my therapist about this.

Then came the 'stinkin thinkin'. As I was walking home I found myself justifying to my therapist why I had went out and drank. My rational mind stepped in and noticed how totally defensive my argument was, "Yes Dr., I went out and had a drink. Anyway, my problem isn't with going out, my problem is drinking too much alone. I never drink too much while I'm out, so what I did wasn't bad." My rational brain reminded me of how I've read this kind of rationalization on SR, and it has never impressed me. My rational brain reminded me that my therapist has never even expressed an opinion on whether I should quit drinking. This was something I decided, I did... and then I joined SR, and then I told my therapist. The minute I start justifying my behaviors to others, I already have a problem. I quit because I wanted to, not because of anyone else.

I realized that my rational brain needed some serious back-up; it was weak. I wrote out a post on SR. Just writing it helped shore up the rational brain. The wonderful, supportive responses I got finished up the job. Rational brain was now louder than Alcoholic brain.

With rational brain more in control, I took a few more steps to disarm the alcoholic voice. I ate a pound of strawberries dipped in chocolate. I took off my makeup, put my hair back and put on my pjs, thus making it much more difficult to go out. I turned off my phone to avoid that last call I knew I was going to get, "Are you sure you don't want us to swing by and pick you up?"

This morning I feel fresh, not hung-over, proud and accomplished. I am SO happy I didn't drink. If I had drank, I would be hung-over, ashamed and frankly, I'd much more than likely be on the way to the store to get more booze, regardless of if I'd had too much last night. I would certainly have too much today. I know I can drink reasonable in front of people. Problem is, it leads me to drink unreasonable behind closed doors.

I'm writing this out to remind myself of what works. And again, to thank you all for stepping in and supporting me. My rational brain desperately needed reinforcement and that's what you all gave me, both here and via pm. It was your support that tipped the power balance away from the crazy brain. I am very grateful.

I feel good today; both physically and mentally. Thank you for helping me get through that!

Tazman53

Venting and writing stuff out helps a lot, writing a personal inventory making sure I left nothing out helped me immensely. It helped me to see all the good, the bad, & the ugly about me. It helped me to get over resentments by looking for my part in them, I was quite surprised at how many of them when I looked at them honestly I had brought upon myself in way way or another.

Like those clowns ruining my credit by reporting that I owed them money.... gee if I had simply either not borrowed the money to buy it or paid it back on time my credit would not have been messed up! LOL

Writing out that inventory also helped me to find a way to forgive those who had harmed me and in doing that I began to be able to forgive myself and to even later make amends for wrongs I had done seekiing nothing in return.

Sitting down with another person that I trusted totally and going over that inventory of resentments, fear, and wrongs allowed me to see things I had not seen on my own, some things I blamed myself for I was not guilty of when looked at through another set of sober eyes and some of those things where I felt I was right about I was with thier help to see that I had a part in it and I needed to make amends for it.

Once I got my side of the street cleaned or at least in process of being cleaned, when I hit that point where the shame and the guilt were not eating me alive and I no longer was carrying secrets around with me, the obsession and the desire to drink left me. I had begun to find a new solution to life I could turn to besides drinking.

Glad to hear you got through it and are doing better, keep it up, keep workiing with the therapist and doing what you need to do to stay sober.