It's time to confess - comments please
Soft & Silky & Manageable
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Radelaide
Posts: 148
It's time to confess - comments please
I'll keep this short but sweet. 6 to 9 months ago there was an incident where I took a 50 from the wallet of my late-friends fathers wallet. It was to buy alcohol. I was drunk at the time - that wasn't meant to sound like an excuse, sorry if it did. I'm going to confess, apologise and pay him back the money.
What I need help with is what to expect from him. I know what to expect from myself in doing this. But I don't want to set unrealistic expectations for myself only to be disappointed. I guess this is kinda more for me than for him, but coming out and confessing feels like a big step. It's only a baby step really, but it needs to be done.
What can I expect from him? I expect him to behave like a normal human. I don't expect him to get angry, but I have a slight expectation that he may not jump up and hug me right away. I don't really know, I can't remember the last time I ever did anything like this.
To be honest I'm hoping that he will forgive me and thank me for being a man about it. Part of me is thinking he'll refuse the money and brush it off with a "Don't worry about it mate" but it could go any way. He's a very laid back gentle bloke. He's not likely to hit me. Please, I just need help mentally preparing myself for this. Thank you
What I need help with is what to expect from him. I know what to expect from myself in doing this. But I don't want to set unrealistic expectations for myself only to be disappointed. I guess this is kinda more for me than for him, but coming out and confessing feels like a big step. It's only a baby step really, but it needs to be done.
What can I expect from him? I expect him to behave like a normal human. I don't expect him to get angry, but I have a slight expectation that he may not jump up and hug me right away. I don't really know, I can't remember the last time I ever did anything like this.
To be honest I'm hoping that he will forgive me and thank me for being a man about it. Part of me is thinking he'll refuse the money and brush it off with a "Don't worry about it mate" but it could go any way. He's a very laid back gentle bloke. He's not likely to hit me. Please, I just need help mentally preparing myself for this. Thank you
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Not knowing him, it's hard for any of us to say how he might react. I'd like to think that he would forgive you and thank you for being a man about it. Whatever his reaction, I think it's very good of you to fess up and pay him back. Shows you're made of good stuff. (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: SoCal
Posts: 373
Hmmm... I don't know if I'd want to know that a friend had stolen money from my (hypothetical) late father. I know it will make you feel better, but will it make him feel better or worse?
I really don't know if it's a good idea. As I understand it, making ammends is part of the AA program. But it seems to me that it's part of a process and you might be skipping a few steps.
If it were me, I would probably donate $50 to a charity for now. And really get some guidance from someone with more knowlege as to what is the best way to make ammends to my friend and his late father. Telling him may very well be the right move. But I'd want to kinda take steps in the correct order. 11 days sober may not be the best time.
But then again, it really might be the time? I honestly don't know. I just know that for me, I don't yet trust myself to make the right decisions about these things. I would want more personal guidance. Do you have a sponsor? Does he have an opinion?
Good for you for wanting to make things right! Just make sure it's right for your friend too!
I really don't know if it's a good idea. As I understand it, making ammends is part of the AA program. But it seems to me that it's part of a process and you might be skipping a few steps.
If it were me, I would probably donate $50 to a charity for now. And really get some guidance from someone with more knowlege as to what is the best way to make ammends to my friend and his late father. Telling him may very well be the right move. But I'd want to kinda take steps in the correct order. 11 days sober may not be the best time.
But then again, it really might be the time? I honestly don't know. I just know that for me, I don't yet trust myself to make the right decisions about these things. I would want more personal guidance. Do you have a sponsor? Does he have an opinion?
Good for you for wanting to make things right! Just make sure it's right for your friend too!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
this is about clearing away the wreckage of your past.
it isnt about going with expectations.....
Alot of people would find that unforgivable....
i did a few things similar....they decided it was unforgivable......too this day.
i can make ammends......pay back the money....
i cant decide how they gonna take it....i can only be humble and do my best.
and except the result.......whatever it is.
go with the money and an open mind.
good stuff bill......
it isnt about going with expectations.....
Alot of people would find that unforgivable....
i did a few things similar....they decided it was unforgivable......too this day.
i can make ammends......pay back the money....
i cant decide how they gonna take it....i can only be humble and do my best.
and except the result.......whatever it is.
go with the money and an open mind.
good stuff bill......
Soft & Silky & Manageable
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Radelaide
Posts: 148
Sorry I think you misunderstood me Chamabama. My friend passed away a few weeks ago, his father is still with us. It was his father I took the money from. The whole incident, as tragic as it was, has brought the two families closer together. I can just feel the guilt eating away at me every day and it's the most recent 'wrong thing' in my years of selfishly using that I've done.
It's like my mind is focusing on the most recent event, and it wants me to deal with it, then a weight will be lifted and it will expose the next most recent event for me to deal with. I'm just listening to my mind and it's telling me to confess.
Trucker you're right. I need to clear this 'wreckage of the past' away. If it pushes us further apart, so be it. At least I was honest and I stood, like a man, looked him in the eye and admitted what I did. It's a tricky one isn't it. It doesn't help that none of you really know me, or him, but any and ALL comments are welcomed and appreciated. Thx
It's like my mind is focusing on the most recent event, and it wants me to deal with it, then a weight will be lifted and it will expose the next most recent event for me to deal with. I'm just listening to my mind and it's telling me to confess.
Trucker you're right. I need to clear this 'wreckage of the past' away. If it pushes us further apart, so be it. At least I was honest and I stood, like a man, looked him in the eye and admitted what I did. It's a tricky one isn't it. It doesn't help that none of you really know me, or him, but any and ALL comments are welcomed and appreciated. Thx
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Billy, you've gotten a good variety of responses and I don't have a whole lot to add. You might want to wait a bit, until you are a little further into your recovery so you are better able to handle a negative response, if that happens.
If you've known the guy for awhile, and you explain the situation and how you are working on it, my guess is it will probably go well. If he is not willing to take the money, I would suggest donating it to a charity in his son's name.
As other's have mentioned, if you are "working the steps" there is a specific step for "making ammends" and it is later in the process in order to make sure you are able to handle it well. So you might want to give that some though.
Sounds like you are doing well in your reocvery though. Keep it up, and take care.
If you've known the guy for awhile, and you explain the situation and how you are working on it, my guess is it will probably go well. If he is not willing to take the money, I would suggest donating it to a charity in his son's name.
As other's have mentioned, if you are "working the steps" there is a specific step for "making ammends" and it is later in the process in order to make sure you are able to handle it well. So you might want to give that some though.
Sounds like you are doing well in your reocvery though. Keep it up, and take care.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
I would just caution you to be careful that what you are doing is not just simply self-serving and to ease your guilt. It's a good idea to give some thought as to whether you would be hurting someone if you do this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
Take a moment bill.........this guy has just lost his son.
is it the right time to do it?.......is it gonna cause this guy more upset and pain....on top of recent heart ache.?
can you speak to your sponsor about it?
is it the right time to do it?.......is it gonna cause this guy more upset and pain....on top of recent heart ache.?
can you speak to your sponsor about it?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Okay, I didn't realize that you friend had only recently passed away. I agree that you should wait. It might be too soon for him to appreciate what you are trying to do. If there's any chance that this could upset him at this time, I say wait.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: SoCal
Posts: 373
Sorry I got the players worong But really, I think my thoughts stay the same.
I can understand that you feel guilty about it and you want to get rid of the guilt. But it might be worth it to spend more time thinking about the impact of your confession on the father. Is it going to help him? He just lost a son 2 weeks ago. Maybe let him grieve a bit? I understand that you feel confessing will help you, but will it help others?
Again, with my 32 days sober, I know I wouldn't be confident that I could take this step on my own and do it in a way that is good for everyone. I need more time and guidance.
Congrats on your sobriety!
But really, I think my thoughts stay the same.I can understand that you feel guilty about it and you want to get rid of the guilt. But it might be worth it to spend more time thinking about the impact of your confession on the father. Is it going to help him? He just lost a son 2 weeks ago. Maybe let him grieve a bit? I understand that you feel confessing will help you, but will it help others?
Again, with my 32 days sober, I know I wouldn't be confident that I could take this step on my own and do it in a way that is good for everyone. I need more time and guidance.
Congrats on your sobriety!
Soft & Silky & Manageable
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Radelaide
Posts: 148
Ok - lots of good responses here already. I think I'm going to give it some time, at least. But don't slow down on the posts, the more feedback the better.
THAT, is a great post anna. Definitely giving me something to think about when I go to sleep tonight.
While were on it, I want to bring this up. Over the past few days it feels like I've lost touch with my HP. I'm still debating whether to go down the 12 step road, but when I could feel my HP watching over me, and actually communicate with him (I believe my HP, and my connection to the spiritual world, is my late friend) I felt so alive. I was fearless and strong. I felt like he was giving me power and courage, it was amazing. Bear in mind that I was up and down like a yoyo with my emotions having very recently chucked it all away. But he was there and I loved that yoyo effect - it was incredible. The last few days I've just been flat. Still motivated to do things, but not my usual enthusiastic, bouncy, upbeat self. I just kinda felt it was because I lost touch with my HP. And in some way I feel my HP also wants me to take this step (confessing etc).
I had a good AA meeting tonight, and even though now I understand step one I'm still very skeptical of a lot of the steps. Looking at step two tonight on the wall, I was trying to grasp the concept of realising a power greater than me could restore me to sanity. I don't want to believe it because again, like with powerlessness, it's ME who is responsible for taking that first drink and it's ME who is in control. Again, I'm probably overthinking this, and I should just relax, go to some more meetings, keep an open mind and STOP TRYING TO RUSH THINGS YOU FOOL.
edit-
Stupid internet I nearly lost my post again - lucky I copied it this time
THAT, is a great post anna. Definitely giving me something to think about when I go to sleep tonight.
While were on it, I want to bring this up. Over the past few days it feels like I've lost touch with my HP. I'm still debating whether to go down the 12 step road, but when I could feel my HP watching over me, and actually communicate with him (I believe my HP, and my connection to the spiritual world, is my late friend) I felt so alive. I was fearless and strong. I felt like he was giving me power and courage, it was amazing. Bear in mind that I was up and down like a yoyo with my emotions having very recently chucked it all away. But he was there and I loved that yoyo effect - it was incredible. The last few days I've just been flat. Still motivated to do things, but not my usual enthusiastic, bouncy, upbeat self. I just kinda felt it was because I lost touch with my HP. And in some way I feel my HP also wants me to take this step (confessing etc).
I had a good AA meeting tonight, and even though now I understand step one I'm still very skeptical of a lot of the steps. Looking at step two tonight on the wall, I was trying to grasp the concept of realising a power greater than me could restore me to sanity. I don't want to believe it because again, like with powerlessness, it's ME who is responsible for taking that first drink and it's ME who is in control. Again, I'm probably overthinking this, and I should just relax, go to some more meetings, keep an open mind and STOP TRYING TO RUSH THINGS YOU FOOL.
edit-
Stupid internet I nearly lost my post again - lucky I copied it this time
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Join Date: Jun 2008
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The biggest mistake one can make, in my opinion, is looking ahead at the steps not yet taken.
Many people, including myself, have stopped doing the steps because they looked ahead without being ready.
Many people, including myself, have stopped doing the steps because they looked ahead without being ready.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: WA, USA
Posts: 2,591
ive stolen lots of money to buy booze with and i dont know if i will make amends and pay back or not, i know im not ready to do it yet. if you are working the steps i would definitely wait until you get to the, which one is it, the eighth step? to make amends. jmo.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Originally Posted by 51anna 
I would just caution you to be careful that what you are doing is not just simply self-serving and to ease your guilt. It's a good idea to give some thought as to whether you would be hurting someone if you do this.
Who's it going to help right now?
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Pasadena, CA
Posts: 1,539
I'm probably overthinking this, and I should just relax, go to some more meetings, keep an open mind
Ya think? ! ??? Go with that........
Re: the money, for now, do nothing. Guidance (not yours, lol) is suggested.
Ya think? ! ??? Go with that........
Re: the money, for now, do nothing. Guidance (not yours, lol) is suggested.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Southern New Hampshire
Posts: 746
Originally Posted by SillyBilly
I don't want to believe it because again, like with powerlessness, it's ME who is responsible for taking that first drink and it's ME who is in control.
.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Originally Posted by trucker
Take a moment bill.........this guy has just lost his son.
is it the right time to do it?.......is it gonna cause this guy more upset and pain....on top of recent heart ache.?
can you speak to your sponsor about it?
is it the right time to do it?.......is it gonna cause this guy more upset and pain....on top of recent heart ache.?
can you speak to your sponsor about it?
Do you have a lot of pictures of your friend,maybe with his father too? if not get some pictures from his mother or family member. If so putting together a calage could be a beautiful thing. They have a great program for creating one for free in Picasa (through your ***** account). Putting this in a nice frame along with a donation to charity in your friends name & to a charity he would have chosen could be the best present ever.
Picasa 3: Free download from Google there is a colage program there.
Maybe you could offer to take him out to dinner & share some good stories & offer your support & get a chance to help his father & get some feedback to see if this is a good time to bring up your mistake while drinking& what you are doing to change.
You friends passing has been a big part of your new sobriety, maybe let him know that & go from there. Make sure you have this thoughts/feelings before yours in this tragic time.
My $.00002 anyway, take care Billy you are doing a great job! I know it is starting to get tougher after your first weeks of euphoria. Hang in there, it is worth it & we are all right here with you.
Take Care.
NB
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