How the Sober Alcoholic Mind Betrays me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: San Diego, CA today, TX,KS,IL previously
Posts: 107
How the Sober Alcoholic Mind Betrays me.
Hey all, going on a week today in my latest attempt here.
I want to write out what I think is going through my head, that always goes through my head so that I've put it down on (digital) paper.
After my first few days of withdrawl and pain and vomiting, and insomnia, and noises, and dry skin and the cracked out nervousness, I start to normalize. I start eating healthy again, I start going back to the gym, I get my affairs in order at home and work. I start doing chores around the house I've neglected, and my life starts going very well.
It's about this time that I start thinking I was over dramatizing drinking, that it really wasn't that big of a deal, that I am successful, that I can handle anything, that it's silly I was even posting on this website! That it's silly I have to drag my family into my problems and waste their time on somethng that is not a big deal. That it's silly to think I'll never drink again, and that it's silly I'm taking antabuse every morning. I don't need it, as a matter of fact, there is no reason for me to stop drinking casually, my life is great, I can handle it.
It's a big fat lie that some part of me is telling to myself and I usually believe it.
My Mother is a school psychologist and she likens my situation to that of someone with bipolar disorder, or some other mental issue that while on their on medication they lead normal productive successful lives, so they stop taking their medication and all hell breaks loose.
I think for me it is exactly the same except my medication to keep me normal is Sobriety, As soon as I stop taking my sobriety medicine, all hell will break loose again.
This seems like common sense, but I've fallen down that road more times than I can count.
I just wanted to put this out here. I think writing it down will help me stop it from happening again.
Maybe somebody else has the same issues.
I want to write out what I think is going through my head, that always goes through my head so that I've put it down on (digital) paper.
After my first few days of withdrawl and pain and vomiting, and insomnia, and noises, and dry skin and the cracked out nervousness, I start to normalize. I start eating healthy again, I start going back to the gym, I get my affairs in order at home and work. I start doing chores around the house I've neglected, and my life starts going very well.
It's about this time that I start thinking I was over dramatizing drinking, that it really wasn't that big of a deal, that I am successful, that I can handle anything, that it's silly I was even posting on this website! That it's silly I have to drag my family into my problems and waste their time on somethng that is not a big deal. That it's silly to think I'll never drink again, and that it's silly I'm taking antabuse every morning. I don't need it, as a matter of fact, there is no reason for me to stop drinking casually, my life is great, I can handle it.
It's a big fat lie that some part of me is telling to myself and I usually believe it.
My Mother is a school psychologist and she likens my situation to that of someone with bipolar disorder, or some other mental issue that while on their on medication they lead normal productive successful lives, so they stop taking their medication and all hell breaks loose.
I think for me it is exactly the same except my medication to keep me normal is Sobriety, As soon as I stop taking my sobriety medicine, all hell will break loose again.
This seems like common sense, but I've fallen down that road more times than I can count.
I just wanted to put this out here. I think writing it down will help me stop it from happening again.
Maybe somebody else has the same issues.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Yes, it all applies, except the part regarding your mom, she's yours to keep, lol. All the rest I could've written, cept you did a better job, so I'll just hijack your thread, lol. No, just kidding.
Funny how we are so similar, we keep doing it our way and getting the same results.
Funny how we are so similar, we keep doing it our way and getting the same results.
Miracles Happen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 9,977
Originally Posted by justsomeguy 
Hey all, going on a week today in my latest attempt here.
It's a big fat lie that some part of me is telling to myself and I usually believe it.
It's a big fat lie that some part of me is telling to myself and I usually believe it.
The disease is what's telling you that you don't have a problem. Cunning, baffling & very powerful!!!! That is why we have to be very vigilant when we start thinking like that, what helps me is going to AA meetings daily, calling my sponsor, calling other alcoholics, reading the BB and doing the steps. I also try to reach out to others who are struggling.
Keep doing what you are doing, one day at a time. And keep posting and reading. Good Luck JSG
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Needham, MA
Posts: 24
It's funny, "just," but I feel the same way, but not especially toward alcohol (135 days sober), but toward managing my out-of-control life. I just got off the phone with my wife following up an argument this morning about my evasion of dealing with some tax and debt issues.
When I used to drink, I would commit to not drinking each morning. At work, no problem. Then, on my drive home, it was like watching a movie (and a bad one at that). Someone who looked like me would drive into the liquor store parking lot, enter the store, buy a bottle or two, drive home, and hide it in the garage or basement for sneaking out to later that evening. Only God and AA, working as a team (and we know Who's in charge!) could break this cycle.
Now, I'm dealing with the second half of the first step -- my life is out of control. I "see" myself not calling the accountant or the IRS. I know my wife will be upset. And, I understand that she cannot understand my behavior.
But, just knowing what you're doing wrong doesn't necessarily help you in stopping it!
When I used to drink, I would commit to not drinking each morning. At work, no problem. Then, on my drive home, it was like watching a movie (and a bad one at that). Someone who looked like me would drive into the liquor store parking lot, enter the store, buy a bottle or two, drive home, and hide it in the garage or basement for sneaking out to later that evening. Only God and AA, working as a team (and we know Who's in charge!) could break this cycle.
Now, I'm dealing with the second half of the first step -- my life is out of control. I "see" myself not calling the accountant or the IRS. I know my wife will be upset. And, I understand that she cannot understand my behavior.
But, just knowing what you're doing wrong doesn't necessarily help you in stopping it!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
It's kinda like jumping the fence into the yard of a vicious pitbull, who then takes a bite out of our a**. We jump the fence, run for a little while, then it catches us and tears a huge chunk out of our a**. We retreat, hop back over the fence, wander off dazed and confused, bleeding profusely, then the next time we come round, we hop back over the fence to see if we can outrun it this time. Ouch, another chomp to our rear and we're hopping over to get out of there, till next time. I wish the neighbors would get a chihuahua, lol.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Justsomeguy,
A week sober is a great start. You are over one big hurdle that you never have to jump over again, provided certain actions are taken.
You describe exactly what goes through the mind of every other alcoholic who has tried to quit drinking. AA's Big Book sums it up like, "We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago."
Unable. Not unwilling, but unable. And not all the time, but at certain times. Those certain times are the times when an alcoholic picks up a drink again.
BB quotes from 1st Ed.
A week sober is a great start. You are over one big hurdle that you never have to jump over again, provided certain actions are taken.
Originally Posted by justsomeguy
It's about this time that I start thinking I was over dramatizing drinking, that it really wasn't that big of a deal, that I am successful, that I can handle anything, that it's silly I was even posting on this website!
Unable. Not unwilling, but unable. And not all the time, but at certain times. Those certain times are the times when an alcoholic picks up a drink again.
BB quotes from 1st Ed.
Hannitized
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 353
Originally Posted by justsomeguy
....
It's about this time that I start thinking I was over dramatizing drinking, that it really wasn't that big of a deal, that I am successful, that I can handle anything, that it's silly I was even posting on this website! That it's silly I have to drag my family into my problems and waste their time on somethng that is not a big deal.
It's a big fat lie that some part of me is telling to myself and I usually believe it. ...
My drinking negatively impacts those I love.
The way I drink is suicide.
I am just over a year sober and 1 drink away from day 1.
All the best to you! Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
I've been sober nearly 2 years and every once in a while that same little demon pops into my head that says '1 drink won't hurt' but the thought barely even gets to form now before I smack it away or laugh it away. Congratulations on your first week! Writing can be very beneficial, not only for yourself but for others who may be going through the same thing but aren't comfortable writing so keep on posting.
J
J
Beating this demon for GOOD
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 143
Hi justsomeguy
I am also at a week today, great for us and let's keep going and staying sober together, okay?? Pat yourself on the back!!! And keep up the great work!!!
I know what you mean, my emotions can be all over the place some days, but more often than not, I see my dad's face across my parent's kitchen table from me, his eyes filled with tears, and the pain and fear etched on his face (my dad is 66 years old, and I saw this just over one week ago, when I drove myself and my daughter to my parents house, after leaving my husband for the night, after drunkenly telling him HE was the reason I DRANK and spouting off my drunken philosophies after tying one on yet again, insulting his intelligence in every cruel and painful way I could, telling him I wanted a divorce, he was a *******, he was a coward, he was (fill in the blank)!! Great wife and mother I am when I drink, huh? Know how he repaid me? By calling my parents to ensure I had made it there unharmed and to tell me he was there for me, would stand by me as I sought help (when I finally broke down and admitted I NEED help), and that he loves me deeply. Not to mention what a wonderful daughter I am, making my parents go through that hellish pain and worry for the thousandth time over their 40 year old GROWN daughter). My dad rarely cries, very very rarely, but to remember his face, the pain and fear and to see his very real tears, that hurts me deeply. To know that I caused it, hurts me more. To know I can prevent it from happening again, makes me more determined than ever to STOP, one day at a time. To know that I did this to myself especially, because it is a relentless disease that I cannot control myself, no matter how strong my will, is yet another (and the most important) admission I have made to myself and will stick with NO MATTER WHAT. I am out of my comfort zone in some ways, I have the phone number of a wonderful lady that I plan to use this evening and ask if she will come with me to a meeting tomorrow afternoon/evening, I'm not used to asking for help, but know what? Tough for me, there is NO other way that I am going to make it over the hurdles ahead, unless I step far out of my comfort zone and I know that and accept it.
As far as commercials/thoughts, reminders of "I was not that bad", I wear an elastic around my right wrist constantly. When I have such a thought, I pull it back and snap it HARD to pull my thought process back to reality (and my sober, NON drinking mind). I say to myself, "nope, ain't reality, back to your regularly scheduled sobriety, next thought please", sounds simple but it works for me in between reading/posting here and attending meetings/working the steps.
I wish you love, blessings, courage and strength. This isn't an easy road, but I'll take sobriety over another drink anyday of the week/month/year, the rest of my life. And so can you, my friend. Keep your chin up and celebrate your VICTORIES!!! One week is indeed a great victory!!! keep it up, you can do this!!!
I know what you mean, my emotions can be all over the place some days, but more often than not, I see my dad's face across my parent's kitchen table from me, his eyes filled with tears, and the pain and fear etched on his face (my dad is 66 years old, and I saw this just over one week ago, when I drove myself and my daughter to my parents house, after leaving my husband for the night, after drunkenly telling him HE was the reason I DRANK and spouting off my drunken philosophies after tying one on yet again, insulting his intelligence in every cruel and painful way I could, telling him I wanted a divorce, he was a *******, he was a coward, he was (fill in the blank)!! Great wife and mother I am when I drink, huh? Know how he repaid me? By calling my parents to ensure I had made it there unharmed and to tell me he was there for me, would stand by me as I sought help (when I finally broke down and admitted I NEED help), and that he loves me deeply. Not to mention what a wonderful daughter I am, making my parents go through that hellish pain and worry for the thousandth time over their 40 year old GROWN daughter). My dad rarely cries, very very rarely, but to remember his face, the pain and fear and to see his very real tears, that hurts me deeply. To know that I caused it, hurts me more. To know I can prevent it from happening again, makes me more determined than ever to STOP, one day at a time. To know that I did this to myself especially, because it is a relentless disease that I cannot control myself, no matter how strong my will, is yet another (and the most important) admission I have made to myself and will stick with NO MATTER WHAT. I am out of my comfort zone in some ways, I have the phone number of a wonderful lady that I plan to use this evening and ask if she will come with me to a meeting tomorrow afternoon/evening, I'm not used to asking for help, but know what? Tough for me, there is NO other way that I am going to make it over the hurdles ahead, unless I step far out of my comfort zone and I know that and accept it.
As far as commercials/thoughts, reminders of "I was not that bad", I wear an elastic around my right wrist constantly. When I have such a thought, I pull it back and snap it HARD to pull my thought process back to reality (and my sober, NON drinking mind). I say to myself, "nope, ain't reality, back to your regularly scheduled sobriety, next thought please", sounds simple but it works for me in between reading/posting here and attending meetings/working the steps.
I wish you love, blessings, courage and strength. This isn't an easy road, but I'll take sobriety over another drink anyday of the week/month/year, the rest of my life. And so can you, my friend. Keep your chin up and celebrate your VICTORIES!!! One week is indeed a great victory!!! keep it up, you can do this!!!
Disposable Hero
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Being, ME
Posts: 3,758
You stayed sober another day by accepting help from a power greater than your 'alcoholic mind'. Thank you for proving to yourself and to others this way of life works for anyone who is willing to live it!!
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,964
I'm a big proponent of SMART Recovery and one tool that has helped me is: DISARM (Destructive Self-talk Awareness and Refusal Method) click here to read more. I hope this can help you in your recovery efforts .
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Guest
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Orlando Florida
Posts: 220
One of the toughest hurdles to overcome in my Sobriety was not admitting that I was an Alcoholic, but the realization of the fact that there was no way possible I would ever be able to drink again. At all. I held on to being able to drink again at all costs. God knows I tried every conceivable way possible to get around this incontrovertable fact. It wasn't until my last relapse gave me the Mother of All Beatdowns did the light finally go on in my head that this was never going to work out. I really could have saved myself an enormous amount of suffering if I would have got that message earlier in my drinking career.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
wow.........and there it is again.....that mental twist.
i said all that stuff to myself time and time and time again.
believe me i had a catalogue of horrendous situations and had been to some very dark places...
no matter how bad it was...like keith said i was unable to bring that image to mind.....
i thought if i stop drinking and just went to aa id be fine....
after endless episodes "round the block" ....someone took the time to tell me what was wrong with me....
He showed me...........me in the big book.
And explained to me that the solution is the programme of recovery laid out in the book.
After a while the compulsion to try the old game again......faded and i began to get comfortable and contented..not drinking.
im still contented not drinking.....i still wake in the morning and dont think of a drink.
i still have emotional moments when i "feel" how close i came to destroying myself..
i "feel"......the holy father in my life......
doing the twelve steps of alcoholics anonymous changed my life and i still see it changing others.
i was a voilent drunk........if i werent on the street ..i was in jail.
i dont think...look...or act like that guy anymore..
thats why im passionate to tell people there is a solution.....the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous.
i said all that stuff to myself time and time and time again.
believe me i had a catalogue of horrendous situations and had been to some very dark places...
no matter how bad it was...like keith said i was unable to bring that image to mind.....
i thought if i stop drinking and just went to aa id be fine....
after endless episodes "round the block" ....someone took the time to tell me what was wrong with me....
He showed me...........me in the big book.
And explained to me that the solution is the programme of recovery laid out in the book.
After a while the compulsion to try the old game again......faded and i began to get comfortable and contented..not drinking.
im still contented not drinking.....i still wake in the morning and dont think of a drink.
i still have emotional moments when i "feel" how close i came to destroying myself..
i "feel"......the holy father in my life......
doing the twelve steps of alcoholics anonymous changed my life and i still see it changing others.
i was a voilent drunk........if i werent on the street ..i was in jail.
i dont think...look...or act like that guy anymore..
thats why im passionate to tell people there is a solution.....the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,876
I remember being where you are...I liken it to being in the spin cycle of a washing machine as soon as it stops spinning more water comes pouring in...seems at times there is no way out. It takes diligence, perseverance, determination and above all else the resolve to stick to your commitment to quit. It's not easy in the beginning....at times sobriety can be down right painful but in the end the rewards are greater than you can imagine. The solution is within you...it's always been there...time to dig deep.
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