Benjamin33

Regrets are killing me. I lost my job not too long ago. It had a great deal to do with my substance abuse, but It probably wasn't going to work out anyway and I would have ended up in a lot of trouble probably eventually. Anyway, I have 44 days except I had 3 beers with lunch on June 9. Although it was only three beers, It did depress me somewhat and sort of took the wind of my sails at A.A. I've been going but I'm not nearly as enthusiastic as before.

Anyway, I am an attorney, and now that I am quasi looking for employment, I have been visiting the websites of some firms in my state. The folks that I went to law school are married, have kids and are now partners in their respective firms. I, on the otherhand, am unemployed and about to go out of my mind due to boredom. I also got fired from the first firm that I was working for. That was around four years ago and was also indirectly the result of substance abuse. One of the biggest firms in the Southeast. I would be a full partner by now. Anyway, It totally depresses me thinking about all of the things that could have been; actually should have been.

I know that I have to let the regret go, but damn its hard. It really makes me want to say to hell with it all and just go get drunk. Sorry for the pitty party, but I had to vent somewhere.

SurviveIt

I tend to wallow in regret too, especially when drinking. A career in a bad spot can be a huge downer.

It's not productive to focus on the past, except to take stock of the mistakes. Best to look forward and resolve not to make those mistakes again. You can't change what has been, but you can change what is and what will be.

Good luck to you.

grateful2b

Hi Benjamin
I am glad you came here to vent...We all have regrets in our lives, but that time has past and there is only now...I think we really struggle with regret when we are unable to have a plan and believe and have faith in a better tommorrow. Not an easy thing, but doable. My suggestion would be, forgive yourself for relapsing and renew your faith in your recovery

Anna

Hi Benjamin,

I understand how you feel. I think many of us here have regrets, which is part of the reason we are here. I found that I cannot have the luxury of visiting my regrets very often. If I do, it will lead me to depression and that is a slippery slope to drinking. And, I will not go there again.

I think you should not judge yourself by the standars of other people who graduated with you. You are on your own path. Staying sober is a big challenge, so focus on that.

CarolD

My remorse ...guilt and shame vanished with Step work.
I sincerely hope you will find that true for you...

Dee74

Hey again Benjamin
one of the hardest lessons I had to learn was that yesterday is gone - no matter who I am, or what I do, I can't change that and I can't change anything I did - or didn't - do.

Like Anna said - comparisons are futile....for better or worse our path is our own - and it's what we do today that really matters

D

Horselover

Hey Benjamin you are right about regret leading you down the road of "what the Hell I might as well go get drunk." I would say snap out of it. Who knows what's behind the next door and who is to say it won't be much better. You might work for yourself and employ others. I mean, really, who knows. This is what I find is exciting about life because its so unpredictable.

I asked a woman that I work for a question the other day. I asked her if she would have believed me had I told her 10 years ago she would own a goat farm and be making cheese and yogurt one day. She said she would have had me committed and had a good laugh. She was a top nurse in a hospital around here and then in the administrative management division. She is the proud co-owner of a dairy that produces enough cheese to sell at farmers' markets and local grocery stores around the area.

One never knows what's behind the next door.

Gypsy Feet

when I first quit drinking, my regrets could bring me to my knees, and frequently did. About 2 or 3 months into it, I forgave myself for all of my drunken mistakes and failures (thanks Warren), and suddenly I knew I was exactly where I was suppose to be.

I am 43 years old. I live in a garage. I make $11 an hour part time in a job designed for an 18 year old, although I have a teaching credential and a lapsed real estate license.

I have lessons to learn before I get to move to the next chapter of my life. I believe taking the time to learn them will make the next bit better. And believing I am where I am suppose to be is making this bit pretty fabulous.

Be patient. Give yourself time to heal, and grow, and learn, and change.

tyler

All of the above is excellent advice. I often find myself wallowing in my regrets, which are to many to go into. I'm in a similar position as uglyeyes, but without the $11/hr job. Well I also live in my parrents nice house instead of a garage, but 40 living with your parents is humbling enough.

Our situations are what they are. We can always look around and find folks who have it bettter and folks who have it worse, doesn't change where we are. We are where we are because that is where we are supposed to be. Keep doing the right things and the right things will happen. Go back the the wrong path and more misery will come you way. None of this will happen overnight, the good or the bad. It took awhile to get where you are, it will take awhile to get where you want to be. Have patience. Easy to say...hard to do. I with you brother. Take care.

tommyk

Same with me.

Hevyn

You just have to let it all go, Benjamin. It almost destroyed me, too - I walked the floors at night and hung my head in sorrow all the time. These useless emotions hold us back from getting on with our recovery. Not saying we should never remember bad things - they can be useful if kept in perspective. We only have tomorrow, wandering around morbidly in the past is a killer. I'm glad you're sharing this with us, I hope it helps ease your mind a bit.

hendershot

I am not sure if there is an alcoholic or addict who isn't overwehlmed with regrets and shame. And the vicious cycle that ensues: you feel bad that getting messed up has hurt your life, so your solution is to get messed some more. The key is getting out to meetings and working a strong recovery program so you can learn to deal with these kinds of feelings in a constructive way. For me the serenity prayer helps a lot with regrets. It is a daily struggle to not worry about those things over which I have no control. But you have to come to the realization yourself that going through the mental gymnastics of self-deprication and thinking about how you screwed up in the past do not serve any productive purpose--unless you know something I don't--you can't change the past. The past is a part of us and it can serve to be an important reminder as to why we need to live a different kind of life, but it is delicate balance especially early in sobriety--you must not live in the wreckage of the past. It may be a cliche but I really focus on doing "the next right thing." Work on focusing on the present and do what you can in the now to postively affect the future.
Also, not to be an a-hole because I empathize where you are coming from big time--but it sounds like you are really minimizing those drinks you had on the 9th--and that's not cool. You might need to look at that and consider where you are at on the first step. Again, you can't change the past, but you can learn from that experience if you give yourself a really honest self-appraisal. I wish you the best of luck.

Benjamin33

Thanks for all the responses and encouraging words. I am in such a depression about all of this **** that I don't know what to do. I will get through and survive without drinking, I hope.

Tazman53

I found the same solution as Carol & Tommy, it was in the steps that I found a new life and cleared away the wreckage of my past.

I stay in today now, my past I will never be able to change, and tomorrow never comes. The steps allowed me to see me for who I am, to forgive myself and to make amends where I could, I will never forget my past, but I am free of it now, I control it now instead of letting it control me. I use my past for me to learn froom and to help others today.

smacked

The more time I live sober, the blurrier the regrets become. And by living sober, I mean LIVING, not begrudgingly abstaining from drugs and alcohol. I continue to forgive myself for my past, and as long as I'm living a life that will NEVER create the same circumstances or anything even close.. I spend every day excited and looking forward to the rest.

joedris

Ben, Keep going to AA. You're not the first to have the wind knocked from his sails, believe me. As you progress through the program you'll encounter the Promises, one of which is "We shall not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." You'll find that facing you past will actually make you a stronger person. So hang in there. It will get better.

Wolfchild

i have learned how to live with my regrets. They are a natural part of my conscious awareness about the past. Allowing my regrets their proper place in my life keeps me safe from beginning yet another process of developing a resentment. Some of my regrets have been removed or have been lessened in their intensity after i have made an amends to someone. In dealing with the reservations i had, my true feelings about the harm i have caused to myself and others produced a benificial amount of painful awareness to stop doing those things.

i hope that you continue forward on your journey of living life on life's terms sober and clean.
Easy does it, it's a just for today way of life! No one is perfect so don't expect too much of yourself!