Dumped by a friend
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 124
Dumped by a friend
I have essentially been dumped by a long time friend. I'm not completely sure of the reasons, but I think at the base of it, it has to do with a major indiscretion related to drinking about 9 or 10 years ago. Also, after a few drinks, I sent kind of a snippy email about 6 months ago, which I immediately apologized for, but I sent it nonetheless. Truthfully, I think the issue is more with the other person than myself. But I remember someone sharing in a meeting a while back, who said that she and a friend had a falling out. This woman shared that she felt the issue was 95% her friend's fault and 5% her fault. In order to truly take responsibility for her part, she apologized for what she thought was hers and DID NOT take her friend's inventory (in other words, did not mention) her friend's part. I really admired that and it has stuck with me.
My aspiration is to honorably accept my friend's seeming decision and use it to inspire sobriety, develop humility, and take responsibility.
Let it be
My aspiration is to honorably accept my friend's seeming decision and use it to inspire sobriety, develop humility, and take responsibility.
Let it be
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 679
This is an interesting topic. I dumped a friend a few years ago. I wanted her to react in a certain way, or more like when I brought up an issue with her she did not react in a way I like, and I was basically sticking to my line, and when she was unwilling to sort of fess up to what she did was wrong, or apologize, or supplicate herself to me, I was done. That was the end of a long friendship.
Lately, I have been wondering if it was the right thing. I don't really regret it but I do feel that maybe I reacted a little severely, like I was too concerned with being right or being justified or winning or something like that. I don't exactly know what I am trying to say. But part of what you said struck me; it was this:
I probably would have said that about the fight I had with my friend at the time. And my friend wouldn't come towards me even 5%. But now I see it differently. In fact, I see it all differently. How can one person be 95% at fault and the other 5% at fault. That assumes that there is some objective universal law of friendship and being which there certainly is not. There are no rules and so much of reality is a function of perception that while you view it as admirable that she only voiced her own misdeeds and not her friends, I would view it more admirable if she were able to step back further to be at a place to not assign percentage points to who is at fault. To understand that both people had an active role in whatever it was and that they share in the experience. If her friend wishes to not see her anymore she can respect that but is it worth it trying to figure out who was "right"?
However, I think your last two lines are good advice for yourself. It is what it is. And perhaps the best thing to do is to let it be.
Disclaimer if I am making no sense: I am trying to figure all this interpersonal stuff out too and I have been reading a ton of zen Buddhism books of late...
Lately, I have been wondering if it was the right thing. I don't really regret it but I do feel that maybe I reacted a little severely, like I was too concerned with being right or being justified or winning or something like that. I don't exactly know what I am trying to say. But part of what you said struck me; it was this:
This woman shared that she felt the issue was 95% her friend's fault and 5% her fault
However, I think your last two lines are good advice for yourself. It is what it is. And perhaps the best thing to do is to let it be.
Disclaimer if I am making no sense: I am trying to figure all this interpersonal stuff out too and I have been reading a ton of zen Buddhism books of late...
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: cottondale,al35453
Posts: 64
REAL FRIENDS WOULD HANG THROUGH tough times,but sometimes our obessions with self will cost us. try making ammends for everything and see what happens,maybe you will get met half-way. If not write it off things dont always happen the way we want.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 124
Originally Posted by sfgirl 
This is an interesting topic. I dumped a friend a few years ago. I wanted her to react in a certain way, or more like when I brought up an issue with her she did not react in a way I like, and I was basically sticking to my line, and when she was unwilling to sort of fess up to what she did was wrong, or apologize, or supplicate herself to me, I was done. That was the end of a long friendship.
Lately, I have been wondering if it was the right thing. I don't really regret it but I do feel that maybe I reacted a little severely, like I was too concerned with being right or being justified or winning or something like that. I don't exactly know what I am trying to say. But part of what you said struck me; it was this:
I probably would have said that about the fight I had with my friend at the time. And my friend wouldn't come towards me even 5%. But now I see it differently. In fact, I see it all differently. How can one person be 95% at fault and the other 5% at fault. That assumes that there is some objective universal law of friendship and being which there certainly is not. There are no rules and so much of reality is a function of perception that while you view it as admirable that she only voiced her own misdeeds and not her friends, I would view it more admirable if she were able to step back further to be at a place to not assign percentage points to who is at fault. To understand that both people had an active role in whatever it was and that they share in the experience. If her friend wishes to not see her anymore she can respect that but is it worth it trying to figure out who was "right"?
However, I think your last two lines are good advice for yourself. It is what it is. And perhaps the best thing to do is to let it be.
Disclaimer if I am making no sense: I am trying to figure all this interpersonal stuff out too and I have been reading a ton of zen Buddhism books of late...
Lately, I have been wondering if it was the right thing. I don't really regret it but I do feel that maybe I reacted a little severely, like I was too concerned with being right or being justified or winning or something like that. I don't exactly know what I am trying to say. But part of what you said struck me; it was this:
I probably would have said that about the fight I had with my friend at the time. And my friend wouldn't come towards me even 5%. But now I see it differently. In fact, I see it all differently. How can one person be 95% at fault and the other 5% at fault. That assumes that there is some objective universal law of friendship and being which there certainly is not. There are no rules and so much of reality is a function of perception that while you view it as admirable that she only voiced her own misdeeds and not her friends, I would view it more admirable if she were able to step back further to be at a place to not assign percentage points to who is at fault. To understand that both people had an active role in whatever it was and that they share in the experience. If her friend wishes to not see her anymore she can respect that but is it worth it trying to figure out who was "right"?
However, I think your last two lines are good advice for yourself. It is what it is. And perhaps the best thing to do is to let it be.
Disclaimer if I am making no sense: I am trying to figure all this interpersonal stuff out too and I have been reading a ton of zen Buddhism books of late...
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Antone, do you have a sponsor? Have you taken steps 4 & 5 with your sponsor?
Why am I asking this? Well I found that in sobriety as I honestly did my 4th step inventory I learned things about myself and also learned far more about areas were I had wronged others in ways I had never thought of then I dreamed were possible, in my 5th step as I discussed these things with my sponsor that second set of sober and more experienced eyes then mine helped me to see things I had missed or in a few cases after discussing things fully I had been totally wrong about.
If you have done a 4th and 5th with a sponsor, but not inventoried this perticular thing then I would suggest sitting down with your sponsor and do a mini 4th & 5th on this and see if there may not be something that you may owe further amends on. It may be that you do not owe further amends in this case. If that is true then your side of the street is clean, you have done your part and the ball is in your friends court.
In the mean time do not let this eat your lunch, take actions where you can, and if there are no further actions then it is time to accept it for what it is and move on knowing you have done your part.
Why am I asking this? Well I found that in sobriety as I honestly did my 4th step inventory I learned things about myself and also learned far more about areas were I had wronged others in ways I had never thought of then I dreamed were possible, in my 5th step as I discussed these things with my sponsor that second set of sober and more experienced eyes then mine helped me to see things I had missed or in a few cases after discussing things fully I had been totally wrong about.
If you have done a 4th and 5th with a sponsor, but not inventoried this perticular thing then I would suggest sitting down with your sponsor and do a mini 4th & 5th on this and see if there may not be something that you may owe further amends on. It may be that you do not owe further amends in this case. If that is true then your side of the street is clean, you have done your part and the ball is in your friends court.
In the mean time do not let this eat your lunch, take actions where you can, and if there are no further actions then it is time to accept it for what it is and move on knowing you have done your part.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: edmonton, alberta
Posts: 88
Hey there,
I have come to realize that friendships (or any relationship for that matter) are never 50/50. I have learned to live with the fact that sometimes there is more "give" than "take" and that if the friendship is important enough that sometimes you just have to overlook some things. If I "keep tabs" or "scores" I find myself getting very resentful and that is toxic.
I hope it all works out for you! (((HUGS)))
I have come to realize that friendships (or any relationship for that matter) are never 50/50. I have learned to live with the fact that sometimes there is more "give" than "take" and that if the friendship is important enough that sometimes you just have to overlook some things. If I "keep tabs" or "scores" I find myself getting very resentful and that is toxic.
I hope it all works out for you! (((HUGS)))
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