What's the point they still see you the same way
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 86
What's the point they still see you the same way
Just had a fight with my mum, she said why don't you just go and have a drink. That really got to me considering these past few weeks have been the toughest weeks for me. It doesn't matter to her that I haven't drank for a bit over 3 weeks she still sees me the same way and so probably does everyone else.
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
Good job on 3 weeks maz.
It sounds like your mother was just trying to push your buttons by saying something that she knew would hurt you.
It is unfortunate that people have to revert to this thing in an arguement.
If you point this out perhaps she will be more supportive in the future.
Don't use this as an excuse to drink.
Keep at it and good luck.
It sounds like your mother was just trying to push your buttons by saying something that she knew would hurt you.
It is unfortunate that people have to revert to this thing in an arguement.
If you point this out perhaps she will be more supportive in the future.
Don't use this as an excuse to drink.
Keep at it and good luck.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 609
It does get better. With sobriety. And with relationships. That's what I have found, even though they may be a bit hard headed at first. My family can now see that I'm not in the same place that I was a few months ago. Those who can't see it are shallow minded and don't matter.
Try to take some time out. I know it's frustrating when others don't seem to appreciate your efforts. (((Hugs)))
Try to take some time out. I know it's frustrating when others don't seem to appreciate your efforts. (((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
In some ways, many ways, you are the same, you are just sober! Being sober for 3 weeks is GREAT - way to go!!..... BUT, you are just beginning your journey of recovery.
I like something I have heard a couple of times.... If you sober up a horse thief, what do you get... a sober horse thief!
Don't drink. Get into a program of recovery. Myself, AA is mine. I want to be happy. Not just a sober unhappy self centered dry drunk.
No it doesn't matter to her that you have not had a drink for 3 weeks, most normal people do that regularly. Now, when you begin to recover, begin to lose your self centered view of the world... that she'll notice.
Keep posting
Mark
I like something I have heard a couple of times.... If you sober up a horse thief, what do you get... a sober horse thief!
Don't drink. Get into a program of recovery. Myself, AA is mine. I want to be happy. Not just a sober unhappy self centered dry drunk.
No it doesn't matter to her that you have not had a drink for 3 weeks, most normal people do that regularly. Now, when you begin to recover, begin to lose your self centered view of the world... that she'll notice.
Keep posting
Mark
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,243
Hi Maz,
Just hang in there! It takes quite a while for loved ones to trust us again as most of us have history that went on for quite a while. Also remember that stopping drinking does not instantly fix everything in our lives. It returns the opportunity to have a wonderful life that we didn't have drinking but we have to work at it. Time is on your side this time.
Congrats on your sobriety!!
Just hang in there! It takes quite a while for loved ones to trust us again as most of us have history that went on for quite a while. Also remember that stopping drinking does not instantly fix everything in our lives. It returns the opportunity to have a wonderful life that we didn't have drinking but we have to work at it. Time is on your side this time.
Congrats on your sobriety!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
BTW Maz...
I am 7.5 months sober and I still have a long way to go with losing the bondage of self... I just had a not so great 24 hours, and I know what I have to do, and it's not just not drinking.... It's about recovery... not the drink, or lack of one....
.... I can relate to what you posted!!
Mark
I am 7.5 months sober and I still have a long way to go with losing the bondage of self... I just had a not so great 24 hours, and I know what I have to do, and it's not just not drinking.... It's about recovery... not the drink, or lack of one....
.... I can relate to what you posted!!Mark
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Congrats on 3 weeks! As a fellow alcoholic and addict, I know how difficult it is in the beginning and how great it feels to add another day to our clean time.
As far as your Mum, people who don't have addiction issues do not understand anything about it. How could they in all honesty? And early Recovery is the hardest, I think most will agree with me on this. Suddenly the alcohol/drugs are removed and we are having to face all of the feelings that we were drinking to forget about in the first place. This is why it's so important to get yourself into a Program of Recovery, be it AA or another type of support system. For me, I know in my heart if I didn't get into AA and NA and the intensive outpatient program I put myself in, I would have never, ever made it to coming up on 4 years in Recovery. I'm sure there will be some people who disagree on what I'm going to say, but I don't think anyone can be truly happy after stopping drinking/drug use without support systems in place. Have you ever heard the expression dry drunk? I know people who quite drinking or their drug of choice and they are more miserable than they were before for the simple fact that all of the issues are still there and they are feeling them now.
Have you been to any Meetings? If not, please go, try some different ones. I think many people have misconceptions of what AA really is. For me, there was nothing more comforting than sitting in a room full of people from so many different walks of life who understood how I feel, what I am going through and have suggestions to help me work through my difficulties. At the first several Meetings I went to, I didn't say a word (no one has to unless they want to) but as I sat there listening to what others were talking about, I felt a sense of belonging for the first time in my life. I found that I wasn't some horrible person after all. I have a disease, the disease of addiction. And although there is no cure so to speak, this disease, like many others, can be put into remission. I now have different tools to use to face life's different situations that we all face on a day to day basis.
It takes time for others to see the changes that we are making, just like it took time for us to get to the point of where we were when we hit our bottom. We didn't get this sick overnight, so we can't get well overnight either. But it is possible to live your life without drinking/using and without the obsession. For the first time in my life, I can actually say that I do like who I am. I realize that just because I have this disease it doesn't mean that I am not a person with a big heart, who is worth being loved. I do have many positive qualitities, even if my past behaviors weren't so great.
Also, "normies" seem to think that once we stop drinking, we should be cured. But removing the alcohol is just a small part of changing your life to one that is happy,joyous and free. Hang in there, just take things One Day at A Time and whatever you do, just don't pick up today.
God Bless,
Judy
As far as your Mum, people who don't have addiction issues do not understand anything about it. How could they in all honesty? And early Recovery is the hardest, I think most will agree with me on this. Suddenly the alcohol/drugs are removed and we are having to face all of the feelings that we were drinking to forget about in the first place. This is why it's so important to get yourself into a Program of Recovery, be it AA or another type of support system. For me, I know in my heart if I didn't get into AA and NA and the intensive outpatient program I put myself in, I would have never, ever made it to coming up on 4 years in Recovery. I'm sure there will be some people who disagree on what I'm going to say, but I don't think anyone can be truly happy after stopping drinking/drug use without support systems in place. Have you ever heard the expression dry drunk? I know people who quite drinking or their drug of choice and they are more miserable than they were before for the simple fact that all of the issues are still there and they are feeling them now.
Have you been to any Meetings? If not, please go, try some different ones. I think many people have misconceptions of what AA really is. For me, there was nothing more comforting than sitting in a room full of people from so many different walks of life who understood how I feel, what I am going through and have suggestions to help me work through my difficulties. At the first several Meetings I went to, I didn't say a word (no one has to unless they want to) but as I sat there listening to what others were talking about, I felt a sense of belonging for the first time in my life. I found that I wasn't some horrible person after all. I have a disease, the disease of addiction. And although there is no cure so to speak, this disease, like many others, can be put into remission. I now have different tools to use to face life's different situations that we all face on a day to day basis.
It takes time for others to see the changes that we are making, just like it took time for us to get to the point of where we were when we hit our bottom. We didn't get this sick overnight, so we can't get well overnight either. But it is possible to live your life without drinking/using and without the obsession. For the first time in my life, I can actually say that I do like who I am. I realize that just because I have this disease it doesn't mean that I am not a person with a big heart, who is worth being loved. I do have many positive qualitities, even if my past behaviors weren't so great.
Also, "normies" seem to think that once we stop drinking, we should be cured. But removing the alcohol is just a small part of changing your life to one that is happy,joyous and free. Hang in there, just take things One Day at A Time and whatever you do, just don't pick up today.
God Bless,
Judy
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
i'm a mom of an alcoholic. most of my anger towards my alcoholic daughter was based in fear. be patient with yourself, and with your mother the best you can. she can't make you drink, and you can't make her change either.
take care of YOU.
hugs, and congrats on your sober time! k
take care of YOU.
hugs, and congrats on your sober time! k
Next stop: real life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Madison, WI
Posts: 990
Congrats on your three weeks, and please don't give it up! It takes time to regain the faith our parents have lost in us. It took my family probably six months to let themselves believe I was serious. The clincher came when, this past November, my aunt asked my mother if it was okay to give me money for Christmas (in the past, my mother had asked her not to). Mom said yes, I think to her own surprise. I still don't have her trust back 100%, but we're getting there. It's taken time though.
learning
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Where I need to be
Posts: 310
Hey maz.
I didn't realize you and I have the same mum!
A friend of mine told me two things that really helped when I was complaining about her.
1. Normal people don't get congratulated for acting responsibly, so I shouldn't expect to be no matter how hard I've worked. In fact if I'm not being given credit I must be doing great.
2. Sober time = credibility time. The courts work that way and most normal people work that way. The longer I show them I mean business with this recovery stuff, the more they are going to believe it.
So do what I do. When it seems darling mum doesn't believe that you realy are going to go through with your recovery, look her dead in the eye and say "you will."
Then go prove it to her big old pain in the a$$!
Great job on 3 weeks!
I didn't realize you and I have the same mum!
A friend of mine told me two things that really helped when I was complaining about her.
1. Normal people don't get congratulated for acting responsibly, so I shouldn't expect to be no matter how hard I've worked. In fact if I'm not being given credit I must be doing great.
2. Sober time = credibility time. The courts work that way and most normal people work that way. The longer I show them I mean business with this recovery stuff, the more they are going to believe it.
So do what I do. When it seems darling mum doesn't believe that you realy are going to go through with your recovery, look her dead in the eye and say "you will."
Then go prove it to her big old pain in the a$$!
Great job on 3 weeks!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,782
Congrats on three weeks! THe person to whom it makes the most difference is YOU. YOU know you are moving forward in recovery and YOU know you are living a better life now that you are sober. Don't lose hope. It takes others a while to regain trust and faith in you, but it will come.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
maz congrats on 3 weeks first, keep in mind that what your mom said was in anger, we all say things in anger that are meant only to hurt.
At this point in your sobriety your primary focus really needs to be on you. This all takes time, it took me years of drinking to have my family feel the way they felt about me, but as I changed and stayed sober they slowly started to accept that I was working on changing the person I was.
Notice that I mentioned change? Drinking alcohol for me was simply a symptm of my problem, when I quit drinking I was still the same person I was before but sober, being sober meant that I had all of my issues before and absolutely no solution for them. This resulted in me being angry, irratable & discontent.
A program of recovery, in my case AA allowed me to work on who I was and provided me solutions other then alcohol to my problems. It took me time to become a person that I liked, which resulted in me ing a likeable person to others. My family & what friends I had left slowly accepted me back into the fold.
In AA we say and I have found this to be true, "Change I must, or die I will!"
At this point in your sobriety your primary focus really needs to be on you. This all takes time, it took me years of drinking to have my family feel the way they felt about me, but as I changed and stayed sober they slowly started to accept that I was working on changing the person I was.
Notice that I mentioned change? Drinking alcohol for me was simply a symptm of my problem, when I quit drinking I was still the same person I was before but sober, being sober meant that I had all of my issues before and absolutely no solution for them. This resulted in me being angry, irratable & discontent.
A program of recovery, in my case AA allowed me to work on who I was and provided me solutions other then alcohol to my problems. It took me time to become a person that I liked, which resulted in me ing a likeable person to others. My family & what friends I had left slowly accepted me back into the fold.
In AA we say and I have found this to be true, "Change I must, or die I will!"
To thine own self be true
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 756
Originally Posted by maz09 
Just had a fight with my mum, she said why don't you just go and have a drink. That really got to me considering these past few weeks have been the toughest weeks for me. It doesn't matter to her that I haven't drank for a bit over 3 weeks she still sees me the same way and so probably does everyone else.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by maz09
...she still sees me the same way and so probably does everyone else.
AA's Big Book has a whole chapter on this called The Family Afterwards. Perhaps most pertinent is this section discussing step 9:
"The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, "Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin'?" Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. We must take the lead."
A number of responses focused on how unfair and inconsiderate your mom was. Some even intimated that her words were harmful to your sobriety. Poor me, poor me, pour me a drink. This is known as gathering one's army. Or in more blunt terms, getting others to co-sign my bullsh*t.
We, as alcoholics, don't need to be coddled and kept from the truth. Fact is, I was selfish, unreliable, undependable, quick to anger, and I damaged a lot of people on my way to where I am. Those people I harmed are not so concerned about my sobriety. I am not the center of everyone's universe. Those people may be, however, concerned about that damage I've done and damage I may do.
So, I take action to right my wrongs. I make demonstrations of new behaviors. I live differently and I don't worry about people giving me credit for becoming such a great guy.
Strange as it may sound, after a time of doing this with guidance through the 12 steps, I become closer to the person I would have others see me as.
Sober since 9th May 2008
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2,973
Normal people wouldn't get excited about not drinking for 3 weeks.
Only folks like us that have a problem understand what an achievement it is.
I'll be a year sober on saturday, not that big a deal really , haven't achieved anything most folks would understand, I know though, I know I'm such a better person sober.
Thats whats important, you do this for yourself, doesn't matter to a degree what your mum thinks, your on the right path and as long as your happier your doing fine.
Only folks like us that have a problem understand what an achievement it is.
I'll be a year sober on saturday, not that big a deal really , haven't achieved anything most folks would understand, I know though, I know I'm such a better person sober.
Thats whats important, you do this for yourself, doesn't matter to a degree what your mum thinks, your on the right path and as long as your happier your doing fine.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: in France
Posts: 393
Congratulations on three weeks. That's great and everyone on here knows how very hard it is. As for your mum well haven't we all said things we shouldn't have? we as alcoholics should understand of all people. I'm not excusing her but noone's perfect. Hope it doesn't make you want to go backwards. Keep doing it for you!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dayton, OH.
Posts: 879
Maz, give it some time. 3 weeks is not nearly long enough to show you've changed. People tried to give me a chance after I stopped doing my drug of choice, early on, within a month and I ended up going back out again. This cycle continued until no one thought jack about me having 30 days clean. NOR 60. Just now, finally, and luckily, I got congrats ALL AROUND for my 90 days. My loved ones are still a bit leery and don't let money lay around and I am OK with that. It took time to lose the trust, so it will take time to gain it.
What your Mom said was cruel and uncalled for in any situation. You should talk about that. Try to discuss with her how to have a proper argument without throwing you addiction in your face, but you will have to remember that it may get brought up and you need to be spiritually and emotionally prepared for it. Just in case.
Remember to stay clean for YOU, not anyone else. They will see the benefits in time. Some people may not. They may think of you in that way, for a long long time, others may come around quicker.
But it takes time. Hang in there. Just don't drink. Congrats on your 3 weeks. Keep up the fantastic work. I know it seems like a long time for us, but we live in a different world from the non-user. Try to keep that in mind. :ghug3
What your Mom said was cruel and uncalled for in any situation. You should talk about that. Try to discuss with her how to have a proper argument without throwing you addiction in your face, but you will have to remember that it may get brought up and you need to be spiritually and emotionally prepared for it. Just in case.
Remember to stay clean for YOU, not anyone else. They will see the benefits in time. Some people may not. They may think of you in that way, for a long long time, others may come around quicker.
But it takes time. Hang in there. Just don't drink. Congrats on your 3 weeks. Keep up the fantastic work. I know it seems like a long time for us, but we live in a different world from the non-user. Try to keep that in mind. :ghug3
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