Do you think it's wise to stay out of relationships in early recovery?
To thine own self be true
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Join Date: Apr 2009
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Do you think it's wise to stay out of relationships in early recovery?
I was wondering what everyone's opinions are about starting dating/ starting a relationship while undergoing treatment in early recovery...I would think it's wiser to concentrate on maintaining sobriety, learning more about oneself, before getting involved...Also, many people present themselves to be one way in the beginning and in many cases, that's not who they truly are...It's hard to find someone genuine...Just curious about everyone's opinion...I don't want anything to hinder my newfound sobriety...Dating can be stressful and confusing at times, especially with people who tend to play games (which is usually ofcourse the type I get involved with)...So what are your thoughts on dating/relationships while focusing on early recovery? Also, do you think it's important at this stage to rid myself of the toxic people in my life...It's hard because I grew to have feelings for them..and I am always one for giving second chances...It's like starting all over.
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Location: Baghdad
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Originally Posted by Sweets79 
So what are your thoughts on dating/relationships while focusing on early recovery?
You will be attracting people as healthy-or as sick-as you are, why cause yourself needless pain?
To thine own self be true
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York
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Originally Posted by sailorjohn
You should be focusing on recovery, difficult to focus on recovery when you've got other things going on.
You will be attracting people as healthy-or as sick-as you are, why cause yourself needless pain?
You will be attracting people as healthy-or as sick-as you are, why cause yourself needless pain?
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Smithfield, VA
Posts: 521
I've heard many different views and opinions on this from various people in various programs. But, my personal and humble opinion is focus on sobriety first and when you're confident in your sobriety and feel more comfortable around others it may be okay to try as long as it's done very carefully. I'd say something like casual dates in public places like a restaurant or something before anything too serious. And see where it goes from there. But, always put your recovery first and don't do anything you feel would jeporadize that. You have to look out for you first. But, this is just my opinion.
Wes
Wes
To thine own self be true
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York
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Originally Posted by CoF1984
I've heard many different views and opinions on this from various people in various programs. But, my personal and humble opinion is focus on sobriety first and when you're confident in your sobriety and feel more comfortable around others it may be okay to try as long as it's done very carefully. I'd say something like casual dates in public places like a restaurant or something before anything too serious. And see where it goes from there. But, always put your recovery first and don't do anything you feel would jeporadize that. You have to look out for you first. But, this is just my opinion.
Wes
Wes
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
Hi Sweets, The general rule of thumb is get a year of sobriety before making any big changes in your life, and that includes new relationships. Concentrate on your sobriety. That's the important issue in your life right now and that will take time and effort. And get rid of any relationship you feel is a threat. I wish you, once again, the best of luck. You seem to really want this. And as the Big Book says, "We will be amazed before we are halfway through..." Talk this over with your sponsor. She's there to guide you.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
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Going through what I'm going through right now, I absolutely advocate taking the first year and even more for yourself to work on you and get yourself right where you need to be.
I've been burned pretty badly so for me, I'm just not ready anyway, tons of walls, anger, trust issues, blah, blah, blah. I do hope that some day I'll find someone that I can "enjoy" spending time with but for right now I know that there is no other place that I need to be than right here, focusing on me and working through the things that are obviously still hurting me.
I believe that given enough time for myself I might end up with someone who is worthy of me and the good things I have to offer as a companion.
I've been burned pretty badly so for me, I'm just not ready anyway, tons of walls, anger, trust issues, blah, blah, blah. I do hope that some day I'll find someone that I can "enjoy" spending time with but for right now I know that there is no other place that I need to be than right here, focusing on me and working through the things that are obviously still hurting me.
I believe that given enough time for myself I might end up with someone who is worthy of me and the good things I have to offer as a companion.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
Originally Posted by Sweets79
Yes...I have been making alot of mistakes in my choices in the opposite sex for a long time...especially lately...and you're right I can't put anything in the way of my recovery..anything that would jeopardize that...the only problem is I've been doing that for so long...being involved with people who are bad for me, but I can't afford to do that anymore, especially when I'm trying to stay sober...I think it's seriously time to take a break...Great food for thought...Thank you
To thine own self be true
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 756
Originally Posted by joedris
Hi Sweets, The general rule of thumb is get a year of sobriety before making any big changes in your life, and that includes new relationships. Concentrate on your sobriety. That's the important issue in your life right now and that will take time and effort. And get rid of any relationship you feel is a threat. I wish you, once again, the best of luck. You seem to really want this. And as the Big Book says, "We will be amazed before we are halfway through..." Talk this over with your sponsor. She's there to guide you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dayton, OH.
Posts: 879
I had heard that people should wait at least a year before trying to start a relationship.
With that being said, I really think it is more up to the individual. If you are questioning whether or not you should, you might want to hold off for a while.
I am in a relationship, with a wonderful, non using, man. We started dating while I was in active addiction, so yeah, I was a totally different person then. When we became more serious and as I stay clean, he's seeing the real me. I am a stubborn mule. I, personally, won't allow anything to get in the way of my happiness. Game players aside, there are some wonderful people out there and I just don't want to miss out on finding that special someone, just because I am in recovery.
It was about 2 months into our dating, that we discussed being in a relationship. I brought it up, because if we were both ready, he had to know. I wasn't going to let him go blindly into a relationship with a crack addict. And, of course, his reaction was that he wanted to wait, but he didn't wait long. As he saw more of the real me, the more he liked. We made it exclusive shortly after. I believe he thinks I am worth it. At least I hope so. He really is a great guy and he tries to help as much as he can, being a non addict.
I think the key there is being honest and upfront, if you decide to try a relationship. Not that I approve of telling a first date that you're an addict in recovery, but after getting to know one another better, approaching the subject might be in order.
I really can't say what is right for you, but I know what is right for me. Just my experience. As long as I keep working to stay clean and not make him my everything, yet still make him on the high end of the priority list, we are fine. We compliment each other nicely, and he keeps me busy during the hardest times, the weekends.
With that being said, I really think it is more up to the individual. If you are questioning whether or not you should, you might want to hold off for a while.
I am in a relationship, with a wonderful, non using, man. We started dating while I was in active addiction, so yeah, I was a totally different person then. When we became more serious and as I stay clean, he's seeing the real me. I am a stubborn mule. I, personally, won't allow anything to get in the way of my happiness. Game players aside, there are some wonderful people out there and I just don't want to miss out on finding that special someone, just because I am in recovery.
It was about 2 months into our dating, that we discussed being in a relationship. I brought it up, because if we were both ready, he had to know. I wasn't going to let him go blindly into a relationship with a crack addict. And, of course, his reaction was that he wanted to wait, but he didn't wait long. As he saw more of the real me, the more he liked. We made it exclusive shortly after. I believe he thinks I am worth it. At least I hope so. He really is a great guy and he tries to help as much as he can, being a non addict.
I think the key there is being honest and upfront, if you decide to try a relationship. Not that I approve of telling a first date that you're an addict in recovery, but after getting to know one another better, approaching the subject might be in order.
I really can't say what is right for you, but I know what is right for me. Just my experience. As long as I keep working to stay clean and not make him my everything, yet still make him on the high end of the priority list, we are fine. We compliment each other nicely, and he keeps me busy during the hardest times, the weekends.
To thine own self be true
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 756
Originally Posted by CrackQuack
I had heard that people should wait at least a year before trying to start a relationship.
With that being said, I really think it is more up to the individual. If you are questioning whether or not you should, you might want to hold off for a while.
I am in a relationship, with a wonderful, non using, man. We started dating while I was in active addiction, so yeah, I was a totally different person then. When we became more serious and as I stay clean, he's seeing the real me. I am a stubborn mule. I, personally, won't allow anything to get in the way of my happiness. Game players aside, there are some wonderful people out there and I just don't want to miss out on finding that special someone, just because I am in recovery.
It was about 2 months into our dating, that we discussed being in a relationship. I brought it up, because if we were both ready, he had to know. I wasn't going to let him go blindly into a relationship with a crack addict. And, of course, his reaction was that he wanted to wait, but he didn't wait long. As he saw more of the real me, the more he liked. We made it exclusive shortly after. I believe he thinks I am worth it. At least I hope so. He really is a great guy and he tries to help as much as he can, being a non addict.
I think the key there is being honest and upfront, if you decide to try a relationship. Not that I approve of telling a first date that you're an addict in recovery, but after getting to know one another better, approaching the subject might be in order.
I really can't say what is right for you, but I know what is right for me. Just my experience. As long as I keep working to stay clean and not make him my everything, yet still make him on the high end of the priority list, we are fine. We compliment each other nicely, and he keeps me busy during the hardest times, the weekends.
With that being said, I really think it is more up to the individual. If you are questioning whether or not you should, you might want to hold off for a while.
I am in a relationship, with a wonderful, non using, man. We started dating while I was in active addiction, so yeah, I was a totally different person then. When we became more serious and as I stay clean, he's seeing the real me. I am a stubborn mule. I, personally, won't allow anything to get in the way of my happiness. Game players aside, there are some wonderful people out there and I just don't want to miss out on finding that special someone, just because I am in recovery.
It was about 2 months into our dating, that we discussed being in a relationship. I brought it up, because if we were both ready, he had to know. I wasn't going to let him go blindly into a relationship with a crack addict. And, of course, his reaction was that he wanted to wait, but he didn't wait long. As he saw more of the real me, the more he liked. We made it exclusive shortly after. I believe he thinks I am worth it. At least I hope so. He really is a great guy and he tries to help as much as he can, being a non addict.
I think the key there is being honest and upfront, if you decide to try a relationship. Not that I approve of telling a first date that you're an addict in recovery, but after getting to know one another better, approaching the subject might be in order.
I really can't say what is right for you, but I know what is right for me. Just my experience. As long as I keep working to stay clean and not make him my everything, yet still make him on the high end of the priority list, we are fine. We compliment each other nicely, and he keeps me busy during the hardest times, the weekends.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
One thing I learned while taking the steps and getting sober was that there was a common denominator in all of my failed and f**ked up relationships with other people. One thing in common with all the people who I felt had hurt me.
That common denominator was me.
That common denominator was me.
To thine own self be true
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 756
Originally Posted by keithj
One thing I learned while taking the steps and getting sober was that there was a common denominator in all of my failed and f**ked up relationships with other people. One thing in common with all the people who I felt had hurt me.
That common denominator was me.
That common denominator was me.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Good topic, well, topics really.
As far as the relationships, I think it's best to concentrate on your Recovery early on. As far as how long? I honestly think that depends on the person and how much they have surrendered, are willing to go to any length in order to stay clean and sober, their levels of support from family, friends, ect. There are a lot of factors that I feel play into it.
For a great deal of us, we tended to get involved with the wrong kind of people. I usually got involved with the guys who were in need of fixing and I just knew I was the one who could make them all better. Hah! When I got into a relationship, I threw myself completely into that relationship that I neglected everything that I needed to do for me. Now that I'm in Recovery, that has to come first. If I pick up again, I won't have anything else in my life. I won't have my life to be quite honest.
As far as toxic people, cut them loose! There were friends that I had for a long time that even though they used, I thought I would always stay close to but after I had some time in Recovery, all that changed. I saw very clearly just how unhealthy these friendships were for me, how once the drugs and alcohol were removed from the friendship, there was not much of anything else. I haven't seen or spoken to these people in years, we just didn't have anything in common anymore because I wasn't in that world any longer. I never realized just how much of our friendships actually revolved around using.
Don't try to go changing everything in your life at this second. It's going to take time. But if you are feeling that someone is unhealthy for you, then they probably are. Just don't rush yourself to be all better right away. It took us a while to get to the point where we knew we had to make some serious changes in our lives so it takes times to make them.
God Bless,
Judy
As far as the relationships, I think it's best to concentrate on your Recovery early on. As far as how long? I honestly think that depends on the person and how much they have surrendered, are willing to go to any length in order to stay clean and sober, their levels of support from family, friends, ect. There are a lot of factors that I feel play into it.
For a great deal of us, we tended to get involved with the wrong kind of people. I usually got involved with the guys who were in need of fixing and I just knew I was the one who could make them all better. Hah! When I got into a relationship, I threw myself completely into that relationship that I neglected everything that I needed to do for me. Now that I'm in Recovery, that has to come first. If I pick up again, I won't have anything else in my life. I won't have my life to be quite honest.
As far as toxic people, cut them loose! There were friends that I had for a long time that even though they used, I thought I would always stay close to but after I had some time in Recovery, all that changed. I saw very clearly just how unhealthy these friendships were for me, how once the drugs and alcohol were removed from the friendship, there was not much of anything else. I haven't seen or spoken to these people in years, we just didn't have anything in common anymore because I wasn't in that world any longer. I never realized just how much of our friendships actually revolved around using.
Don't try to go changing everything in your life at this second. It's going to take time. But if you are feeling that someone is unhealthy for you, then they probably are. Just don't rush yourself to be all better right away. It took us a while to get to the point where we knew we had to make some serious changes in our lives so it takes times to make them.
God Bless,
Judy
To thine own self be true
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 756
Originally Posted by vegibean
Going through what I'm going through right now, I absolutely advocate taking the first year and even more for yourself to work on you and get yourself right where you need to be.
I've been burned pretty badly so for me, I'm just not ready anyway, tons of walls, anger, trust issues, blah, blah, blah. I do hope that some day I'll find someone that I can "enjoy" spending time with but for right now I know that there is no other place that I need to be than right here, focusing on me and working through the things that are obviously still hurting me.
I believe that given enough time for myself I might end up with someone who is worthy of me and the good things I have to offer as a companion.
I've been burned pretty badly so for me, I'm just not ready anyway, tons of walls, anger, trust issues, blah, blah, blah. I do hope that some day I'll find someone that I can "enjoy" spending time with but for right now I know that there is no other place that I need to be than right here, focusing on me and working through the things that are obviously still hurting me.
I believe that given enough time for myself I might end up with someone who is worthy of me and the good things I have to offer as a companion.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
sweets, you mentioned some good reasons to stay out of dating early on...
so all i can add to whats been shared, it its so easy to make the other person one's Higher Power!
i have first hand info on that!
been there, done that...
then she dumped me!
a paradox on that one was,
i hurt so bad, that i finaly reached out, and found strenght in a power greater then me, and her...
then she came back, we grew, i grew, she picked up, she died, and i'm still alive, and happy!
so all i can add to whats been shared, it its so easy to make the other person one's Higher Power!
i have first hand info on that!
been there, done that...
then she dumped me!
a paradox on that one was,
i hurt so bad, that i finaly reached out, and found strenght in a power greater then me, and her...
then she came back, we grew, i grew, she picked up, she died, and i'm still alive, and happy!
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