Do you think it's wise to stay out of relationships in early recovery?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
sorry to hear that rusty.
early relationships involve feelings........and i dont know about you but i had enough feelings to deal with as it was..all new and all intense.
My now wife was very understanding standing.........but boy was i an s...t for a good while..
My amends list was getting longer for a while........sober.
too sponsees i suggest wait..............most dont.......
And a few ended up in deep problems..............my experience anyhow.. if it helps...
early relationships involve feelings........and i dont know about you but i had enough feelings to deal with as it was..all new and all intense.
My now wife was very understanding standing.........but boy was i an s...t for a good while..
My amends list was getting longer for a while........sober.
too sponsees i suggest wait..............most dont.......
And a few ended up in deep problems..............my experience anyhow.. if it helps...
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Sweets some good stuff to ponder.
Another reason to hold off on a relationship is we change in sobriety, early sobriety I was all over the place emotionally and mentally, it took time for me to learn who I was, heck even my likes and dislikes in people changed and I changed as a person.
Early sobriety is a huge change in our lifes, why make it tougher by adding outside things into the mix. This not only includes relationships, but jobs, moving, divorces, etc.
Now if something is poison to our recovery then it has to go, but in as easy as possible manner.
Another reason to hold off on a relationship is we change in sobriety, early sobriety I was all over the place emotionally and mentally, it took time for me to learn who I was, heck even my likes and dislikes in people changed and I changed as a person.
Early sobriety is a huge change in our lifes, why make it tougher by adding outside things into the mix. This not only includes relationships, but jobs, moving, divorces, etc.
Now if something is poison to our recovery then it has to go, but in as easy as possible manner.
To thine own self be true
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 756
Originally Posted by Tazman53 
Sweets some good stuff to ponder.
Another reason to hold off on a relationship is we change in sobriety, early sobriety I was all over the place emotionally and mentally, it took time for me to learn who I was, heck even my likes and dislikes in people changed and I changed as a person.
Early sobriety is a huge change in our lifes, why make it tougher by adding outside things into the mix. This not only includes relationships, but jobs, moving, divorces, etc.
Now if something is poison to our recovery then it has to go, but in as easy as possible manner.
Another reason to hold off on a relationship is we change in sobriety, early sobriety I was all over the place emotionally and mentally, it took time for me to learn who I was, heck even my likes and dislikes in people changed and I changed as a person.
Early sobriety is a huge change in our lifes, why make it tougher by adding outside things into the mix. This not only includes relationships, but jobs, moving, divorces, etc.
Now if something is poison to our recovery then it has to go, but in as easy as possible manner.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dayton, OH.
Posts: 879
Tazman put it so well. I really like that! Especially when it comes to job situations. I had to remove myself from a decent paying job because it kept taking me to the side of town I copped on. It was an endless cycle. I'd be there at 2-3 AM, fixing someone's flat, getting their keys, or jump starting their car, and all I could think about was whether or not they were "holding", and you can tell who the dope boys/girls are and who are not. It's amazing the number of dope dealers who have roadside assistance on their insurance.. And can't do **** for themselves, ya know.. I can see the keys or jump start thing. Usually need two people for it, but can't change your own tire? Come on...
LOL. Anyway, being on the wrong side of town at the wrong hour was playing with fire, so I quit that job and for 30 days, focused on just my recovery, working my "life" around it. Boyfriend, mom, and friends.
And recently, I was offered my roadside job back, but turned it down. I know I want to be clean more than anything, but I still don't want to play with fire.
And man, I could really use the cash.. Ugh! hahaha
LOL. Anyway, being on the wrong side of town at the wrong hour was playing with fire, so I quit that job and for 30 days, focused on just my recovery, working my "life" around it. Boyfriend, mom, and friends.
And recently, I was offered my roadside job back, but turned it down. I know I want to be clean more than anything, but I still don't want to play with fire.
And man, I could really use the cash.. Ugh! hahaha
To thine own self be true
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 756
Originally Posted by CrackQuack
Tazman put it so well. I really like that! Especially when it comes to job situations. I had to remove myself from a decent paying job because it kept taking me to the side of town I copped on. It was an endless cycle. I'd be there at 2-3 AM, fixing someone's flat, getting their keys, or jump starting their car, and all I could think about was whether or not they were "holding", and you can tell who the dope boys/girls are and who are not. It's amazing the number of dope dealers who have roadside assistance on their insurance.. And can't do **** for themselves, ya know.. I can see the keys or jump start thing. Usually need two people for it, but can't change your own tire? Come on...
LOL. Anyway, being on the wrong side of town at the wrong hour was playing with fire, so I quit that job and for 30 days, focused on just my recovery, working my "life" around it. Boyfriend, mom, and friends.And recently, I was offered my roadside job back, but turned it down. I know I want to be clean more than anything, but I still don't want to play with fire.
And man, I could really use the cash.. Ugh! hahaha
LOL. Anyway, being on the wrong side of town at the wrong hour was playing with fire, so I quit that job and for 30 days, focused on just my recovery, working my "life" around it. Boyfriend, mom, and friends.And recently, I was offered my roadside job back, but turned it down. I know I want to be clean more than anything, but I still don't want to play with fire.
And man, I could really use the cash.. Ugh! hahaha
That's great that you were able to do that...I know I need to do the same...put my sobriety first..I just hate being lonely..I feel very empty if there isn't someone in my life, which is another problem in itself...Not sure if that's a Co-dependency issue, I'm just learning all about it now.....I don't think being in volved with someone is the answer, never has been...I always went to drinking after being disappointed and that's definitely not the answer...Thanks for your input
Karma Amputee
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Among The Living
Posts: 769
Yes, I think new relationships should be avoided in early recovery.
Same for trying to mend relationships shattered under the weight of insobriety.
Big (common) mistake, IMO.
Unless you're in a committed relationship or married when going through recovery, you have no business being with anyone during this time and you should be focused on YOU and your recovery. I think maybe it was Drew Pinsky who said, in the first year of sobriety get a plant and if if does not die in the first year, get a pet for your second year and if after two years the plant and pet are alive and well taken care of, and you're still sober...MAYBE think about getting in a relationship with another human being, lol..
Same for trying to mend relationships shattered under the weight of insobriety.
Big (common) mistake, IMO.
Unless you're in a committed relationship or married when going through recovery, you have no business being with anyone during this time and you should be focused on YOU and your recovery. I think maybe it was Drew Pinsky who said, in the first year of sobriety get a plant and if if does not die in the first year, get a pet for your second year and if after two years the plant and pet are alive and well taken care of, and you're still sober...MAYBE think about getting in a relationship with another human being, lol..
To thine own self be true
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 756
Originally Posted by getr345
Yes, I think new relationships should be avoided in early recovery.
Same for trying to mend relationships shattered under the weight of insobriety.
Big (common) mistake, IMO.
Unless you're in a committed relationship or married when going through recovery, you have no business being with anyone during this time and you should be focused on YOU and your recovery. I think maybe it was Drew Pinsky who said, in the first year of sobriety get a plant and if if does not die in the first year, get a pet for your second year and if after two years the plant and pet are alive and well taken care of, and you're still sober...MAYBE think about getting in a relationship with another human being, lol..
Same for trying to mend relationships shattered under the weight of insobriety.
Big (common) mistake, IMO.
Unless you're in a committed relationship or married when going through recovery, you have no business being with anyone during this time and you should be focused on YOU and your recovery. I think maybe it was Drew Pinsky who said, in the first year of sobriety get a plant and if if does not die in the first year, get a pet for your second year and if after two years the plant and pet are alive and well taken care of, and you're still sober...MAYBE think about getting in a relationship with another human being, lol..
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
I look at myself today 20 months(?) sober and I am almost a completely different person than I was 2 years ago and it would have taken someone who loved me unconditionally to have gone through the changes with me that I've gone through since stopping drinking. Stopping drinking was like losing a loved one to me, alcohol was my "best friend" (yes I know now it was no friend) and so I had to go through a period similar to grieving which is definitely not a time for new relationships. Just this morning at a business event I ran into a man whom I had very briefly dated while drinking, nothing serious and we had gone our separate ways about 4 yrs ago but had kept casually in touch. A year ago we had gone to dinner together (I was only 6 months sober then) and I remember being very very scared at the time because I was so uncomfortable with my sobriety and I felt inferior; well today I went out of my way to say hello to this man and had a nice conversation--he said he could see right away that I had gained a lot of confidence in the past year and I have. I think to have a a legitimate chance at sobriety you must focus on yourself as much as possible, spend time figuring out why you had the problems in the first place--and it's difficult to make yourself top priority if you're starting a new relationship.
Judy
Judy
To thine own self be true
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 756
Originally Posted by jamdls
I look at myself today 20 months(?) sober and I am almost a completely different person than I was 2 years ago and it would have taken someone who loved me unconditionally to have gone through the changes with me that I've gone through since stopping drinking. Stopping drinking was like losing a loved one to me, alcohol was my "best friend" (yes I know now it was no friend) and so I had to go through a period similar to grieving which is definitely not a time for new relationships. Just this morning at a business event I ran into a man whom I had very briefly dated while drinking, nothing serious and we had gone our separate ways about 4 yrs ago but had kept casually in touch. A year ago we had gone to dinner together (I was only 6 months sober then) and I remember being very very scared at the time because I was so uncomfortable with my sobriety and I felt inferior; well today I went out of my way to say hello to this man and had a nice conversation--he said he could see right away that I had gained a lot of confidence in the past year and I have. I think to have a a legitimate chance at sobriety you must focus on yourself as much as possible, spend time figuring out why you had the problems in the first place--and it's difficult to make yourself top priority if you're starting a new relationship.
Judy
Judy
Last edited by Sweets79; 05-06-2009 at 03:53 PM.
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