UGH, here I go again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 42
UGH, here I go again
I managed to stay sober for all of six days. I honestly believe I am losin my mind. Why do I keep drinking poison when I know what the outcome will be. I am lost.
I have used every resource I know except aa, so this morning I am going to my first meeting. I'm not scared or nervous because I am too tired for those emotions.
Please send good thoughts my way because I need them.
I have used every resource I know except aa, so this morning I am going to my first meeting. I'm not scared or nervous because I am too tired for those emotions.
Please send good thoughts my way because I need them.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,243
Fantastic Relief,
I just might add that I too tried everything under the sun and then finally tried AA. The good news is that is worked I have been sober since and have absolutely no desire or cravings for alcohol. The thing that really works is just getting a Sponsor and working the steps. Otherwise I probably would have been very casual and drinking months ago.
Keep Posting My Friend!
I just might add that I too tried everything under the sun and then finally tried AA. The good news is that is worked I have been sober since and have absolutely no desire or cravings for alcohol. The thing that really works is just getting a Sponsor and working the steps. Otherwise I probably would have been very casual and drinking months ago.
Keep Posting My Friend!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: edmonton, alberta
Posts: 88
Hi Relief!
I definately relate to what you say. My mind has been constantly racing lately. It keeps telling me that I am overreacting to this "drinking problem" and that there is no problem. The farther I get away from my last drunk the more the denial creeps back in. It is insane! I don't know what I'd do without SR right now. I have also tried a couple AA meetings and now have a temporary sponser. I really think I need to be around people who know where I am coming from and can help keep me on track when I start double guessing my decision.
Keep coming back!
I definately relate to what you say. My mind has been constantly racing lately. It keeps telling me that I am overreacting to this "drinking problem" and that there is no problem. The farther I get away from my last drunk the more the denial creeps back in. It is insane! I don't know what I'd do without SR right now. I have also tried a couple AA meetings and now have a temporary sponser. I really think I need to be around people who know where I am coming from and can help keep me on track when I start double guessing my decision.
Keep coming back!
Life is Grand
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,039
Hi Relief and welcome.
Please don't be to hard on yourself for slipping, recovery is hard in the beginning, I relapsed too many times to count, then one day, it just sort of stuck. For me, it helped to remember, that it is only the first drink that takes away my sober time, if I don't take the first one, I get to add another 24 hours sober, sounds simple, but it took a long time to penetrate my hard head!
Cathy
Please don't be to hard on yourself for slipping, recovery is hard in the beginning, I relapsed too many times to count, then one day, it just sort of stuck. For me, it helped to remember, that it is only the first drink that takes away my sober time, if I don't take the first one, I get to add another 24 hours sober, sounds simple, but it took a long time to penetrate my hard head!
Cathy
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Hi Relief. Please let us know how the meeting went.
I don't know why we keep trying to recreate the euphoria of our early drinking years. It's not coming back. Please trust me on this. I tried for so long to use willpower to moderate. Each time I binged there were horrible consequences - so why even consider picking up again? A good question.
I know exactly the feeling of desperation you're having right now. Learning to live again without our buffer is very hard - yet we can't go back to that life ever again without facing an early death. I can promise you that if you keep walking forward you will get to a place where the joy and hope will return. Some people feel it right away. I didn't. I was in danger of relapsing because I, too, thought - "If that's all there is, I may as well drink." (Thank you, Peggy Lee
) Give yourself a chance to get past the negative thoughts. Remember, in your first post you said you'd fight to the death to conquer this thing...... Thinking of you.
I don't know why we keep trying to recreate the euphoria of our early drinking years. It's not coming back. Please trust me on this. I tried for so long to use willpower to moderate. Each time I binged there were horrible consequences - so why even consider picking up again? A good question.
I know exactly the feeling of desperation you're having right now. Learning to live again without our buffer is very hard - yet we can't go back to that life ever again without facing an early death. I can promise you that if you keep walking forward you will get to a place where the joy and hope will return. Some people feel it right away. I didn't. I was in danger of relapsing because I, too, thought - "If that's all there is, I may as well drink." (Thank you, Peggy Lee
) Give yourself a chance to get past the negative thoughts. Remember, in your first post you said you'd fight to the death to conquer this thing...... Thinking of you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 42
Thanks to everyone for writing in -- your wishing me well means a lot.
I did attend the meeting, and it went well. It happened to be an anniversary meeting. It felt liberating to hear people speak after having 20 and 30 years sober. For the first time ever I believed I may be able to do this.
There is a beginners meeting this morning. I am attending that as well. I am fortunate to live within two blocks of a location that has frequent meetings. I can even go before work.
I also bought the Big Book yesterday. I started reading it and have had a tough time putting it down. I am not a religious person at all, so I may struggle with the higher power. However, conceptually, I understand a higher power does not have to be God per se.
I find myself wishing the process could be easier, a switch to turn off the cravings and the negative looped thoughts would be ideal. But, that's not reality and I am willing to work diligently.
Again, thanks everyone. I am off to my second meeting.
I did attend the meeting, and it went well. It happened to be an anniversary meeting. It felt liberating to hear people speak after having 20 and 30 years sober. For the first time ever I believed I may be able to do this.
There is a beginners meeting this morning. I am attending that as well. I am fortunate to live within two blocks of a location that has frequent meetings. I can even go before work.
I also bought the Big Book yesterday. I started reading it and have had a tough time putting it down. I am not a religious person at all, so I may struggle with the higher power. However, conceptually, I understand a higher power does not have to be God per se.
I find myself wishing the process could be easier, a switch to turn off the cravings and the negative looped thoughts would be ideal. But, that's not reality and I am willing to work diligently.
Again, thanks everyone. I am off to my second meeting.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
Hey Relief. I feel ya on the higher power thing and the cravings. I have faith in me. What I need comes from the inside and when I need to "pray" I do meditating instead which for me is really having some quiet time and doing some serious self-talk.
As for the cravings, I think a lot for me was the whole habit thing. I had picked up as a reaction to everything that it was hard to get away from. Time helps with that. If you can remind yourself that you just have to get through right now, today.......that helps me.
Good luck!!
As for the cravings, I think a lot for me was the whole habit thing. I had picked up as a reaction to everything that it was hard to get away from. Time helps with that. If you can remind yourself that you just have to get through right now, today.......that helps me.
Good luck!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 42
Meeting number two was a success. Met a lot of great people and gathered a lot of phone numbers. I am feeling quite a bit better than yesterday, but I am sure the great feeling will come to an end, but until then I want to enjoy this moment and this feeling.
I hope everyone has a sober day!
I hope everyone has a sober day!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I am so excited for you.....Congratulations
on beginning your new life......
You might want to check in on our
Class of April thread for additional daily support
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-april-6.html
Yes....we can and do recover....
on beginning your new life......
You might want to check in on our
Class of April thread for additional daily support
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-april-6.html
Yes....we can and do recover....
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Relief,
I am glad that your hope is renewed. Never give up hope.
And, yeah, lots of us wish the process could be easier, but I think we need to go through this for a reason. There are things we need to learn, and though it's very hard, it's also very worthwhile.
I am glad that your hope is renewed. Never give up hope.
And, yeah, lots of us wish the process could be easier, but I think we need to go through this for a reason. There are things we need to learn, and though it's very hard, it's also very worthwhile.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
Sounds like you're on the right track. Don't worry too much about this higher power stuff. Just keep up with the meetings and call your sponsor. It'll all fall into place. Remember "Seldom have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path."
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Originally Posted by Relief 
Meeting number two was a success. Met a lot of great people and gathered a lot of phone numbers. I am feeling quite a bit better than yesterday, but I am sure the great feeling will come to an end, but until then I want to enjoy this moment and this feeling.
I hope everyone has a sober day!
I hope everyone has a sober day!
Judy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 42
I need to re-focus my energy, but I am not sure how. Is early recovery always like a roller-coaster? Anger, frustration, contentment, sorrow, happiness . . . repeat?
I have the angries right now. The most simple things throw me into a mental rage. all before 9:30 this morning . . . wanting to skip my aa meeting, walking to my aa meeting behind pedestrians creeping along at the clip of a three legged bedbug, getting to my meeting only to learn the topic was "anger and resentment", trying to hear those sharing at the meeting over a jack-hammer being manned by a construction worker up the street, finishing the meeting and riding the subway to work with a stranger's elbow crammed uncomfortably in my lower back and finally, getting to work and being angry because I cannot figure out why I am angry.
Most of yesterday was a great day, but today this roller-coaster is making me motion-sick.
I have the angries right now. The most simple things throw me into a mental rage. all before 9:30 this morning . . . wanting to skip my aa meeting, walking to my aa meeting behind pedestrians creeping along at the clip of a three legged bedbug, getting to my meeting only to learn the topic was "anger and resentment", trying to hear those sharing at the meeting over a jack-hammer being manned by a construction worker up the street, finishing the meeting and riding the subway to work with a stranger's elbow crammed uncomfortably in my lower back and finally, getting to work and being angry because I cannot figure out why I am angry.
Most of yesterday was a great day, but today this roller-coaster is making me motion-sick.
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