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UGH, here I go again

Old 04-27-2009, 08:25 AM
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Hi,

As others have said here please, don't be hard on yourself...I found it was very difficult to forgive myself after a relapse, but you must...

Keep trying, keep positive, you can do this...
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Old 04-27-2009, 09:18 AM
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Heck Relief, Monday mornings always seem to suck, but I have found that Monday mornings are a lot brighter since I've not been drunk all weekend and suffering a major hangover. I think anger is very common in early recovery from any substance alcohol/drugs/nicotene/ and from food issues as well because we have programmed ourselves to turn to the substance any time we have an issue, whether good or bad and we don't know how to deal with life w/o the substance so our body reacts in anger as if to say "give me the 'drug'" not necessarily as a craving perhaps just a habit; and then there is often sadness because we have given up our "friend" the drug of choice...It's not a whole lot different than when a friend or family member dies, people feel anger/sadness/denial (not necessarily in that order) and finally acceptance. Our problems didn't become our problems overnight and they won't go away overnight either.

Be strong you deserve it.

Judy
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Old 04-27-2009, 12:08 PM
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Most of my anger has fallen away. What concerns me most is finding the origin of the rage I felt this morning. It was the worst. I actually fantasized about stuffing the jack-hammer up that construction worker's a$$! Maybe it's a control thing, maybe it's lack of sleep, maybe jack-hammers are just annoying?

I found some good news . . . despite the urge to smack a couple of strangers on the street, no one was harmed and I wasn't craving alcohol because I was too concerned with my anger
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Old 04-27-2009, 12:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Relief View Post
I managed to stay sober for all of six days. I honestly believe I am losin my mind. Why do I keep drinking poison when I know what the outcome will be. I am lost.

I have used every resource I know except aa, so this morning I am going to my first meeting. I'm not scared or nervous because I am too tired for those emotions.

Please send good thoughts my way because I need them.
Hey Relief, it's great to see you here posting. Congratulations on your six days clean, and your desire to attend meetings. An answer to your question of why you keep drinking poison when you know what the outcome will be is because of addiction. The addicted brain keeps saying GO, when your common sense tells you not to. Addiction is a mental obsession. You seem to be doing all the right things to stop. Only you can control if you put a drink in your body or not. AA is a wonderful program with alot of support. Recovery is possible. You have to want it, and work for it. It's possible. Your on the right track. Keep moving forward.
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Old 04-27-2009, 12:30 PM
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Thanks Angelic, but I need to point out that it's only been three days sober for me . . . the six days was before a lapse I had on Friday.

Again, thanks for the encouragement!
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Old 04-28-2009, 06:47 AM
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Ok, day four is off to a better start. No unexplained anger this morning. Did my thing and went to a meeting. It was a good meeting. Thank goodness for AA is all I can say at this point. I am still uneasy with the higher power/spiritual rebirth requirement, but as others spoke in the meeting today it became clear a lot of people struggled with that for a very long time. So I guess I don't need all the answers today. I am ok with that. I'll continue my work and if it takes me 10 years to get through the first three steps, then it takes 10 years.
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Old 04-28-2009, 05:23 PM
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Hi Relief,
I had reservations galore about AA in general and especially on the higher power concept having anything to do at all with my drinking problem. I finally had enough with my drinking and was willing to do anything to be done with alcohol. So I quit trying to figure it out, got a Sponsor and worked the steps and found out that the process really does work. I just have no need to drink today under any circumstances, good day, rotten day, whatever, my mind no longer thinks I need to drink. It is so wonderful to be done. You can get there also!

The emotional ups and downs are very common in early sobriety by the way. Hang in there it takes a while longer for the heavy duty physical WD stuff to run its course.

Congrats on staying sober!! It does get a lot easier.
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Old 04-29-2009, 01:28 PM
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Day five has been rough, but I'm still here and still sober (just by the hair on my chinny chin chin).

My boozing has ripped a gigantic hole in my 14 year relationship with my partner. He's giving serious consideration to moving out, and in my gut I know he will. We had a long conversation last night that continued this morning. At 5:10am he was leaving, but at 5:35am he wasn't. I can't remain sane not knowing if and when the movers will arrive to take half of my life to some other apartment. I feel unsafe and insecure. Will he be there when I get home this afternoon? If not, then what? If so, then what?

I know I have caused tremendous stress and worry, I have repeatedly lied about drinking, I have manipulated situations, I have broken promises and taken back my word. And, I hate what I have done. Seeing him hurt causes enormous guilt and heavy pain, but I can't take it back. That's frustrating.

I don't want him to move out, and just the thought of the economic strain the move will cause makes me dizzy and sick to my stomach. I am afraid of what might happen . . . will I drink when he leaves . . . will the relationship end for good?

At the same time, I can't blame him. If I were merely a friend of his, I would advise him to leave my a$$ too. I'm dead weight and have caused agony for the majority of the past 4-5 years.

The stress of last night and today leaves me so very close to running to alcohol. I don't want to go home, but I don't want to stay here at work. The walk from my office to the subway involves passing no less than four liquor stores, and I think if I just stay here at work he won't be able to tell me to my face that he's moving, then I won't have to deal with the financial complications of moving -- breaking a rental lease, losing several thousand dollars of the deposit, being dragged into court and forced to pay for an apartment neither one of us are living in -- NYC is a bear when it comes to housing.

There is no room on my plate, every brain cell I have is already occupied with worry. I am trying my best to accept whatever comes and deal with the nightmare when it arrives. Live life on lifes terms, blah blah blah. So much easier said than done.

One thing has changed . . . my sobriety is for me, not him. I need me back more than he does. But, I keep thinking, if I drink I could always just start over again, right? I mean I did that last week. It didn't feel good, but drinking is the only way I know how to get out of my own head and find just a little bit of RELIEF today.

It's not good, it's not easy, it's not pretty. And, it's only day five and the worst hasn't even arrived. UGH.
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Old 04-29-2009, 01:42 PM
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Can't believe noone posted this yet. Sort of a rephrased version of your question.

Originally Posted by Relief View Post
Why do I keep drinking poison when I know what the outcome will be.
"Why does he behave like this? If hundreds of experiences have shown him that one drink means another debacle with all its attendant suffering and humiliation, why is it he takes that one drink? Why can't he stay on the water wagon? What has become of the common sense and will power that he still sometimes displays with respect to other matters?"

And the AA answer is:

"The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink."
-both quotes from Ch. 2 AA Big Book

If that resonates any with you, maybe AA is the place to be. Keep your ears open.
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Old 04-29-2009, 01:58 PM
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Thanks Keith. I've been to AA everyday for the past five days -- including this morning. Do you have times when nothing inspires or resonates? That's me now. Not sure what to do about it. Still clutching the sides of my desk trying not to leave . . .
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Old 04-29-2009, 02:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Relief View Post
Do you have times when nothing inspires or resonates?
Ha! Not since taking the steps and having a spiritual awakening.

Nah, that's not entirely true. I can get still get my head up my arse on occasion. But I sort of self-right quickly at times like that. I sort of know what to do. And you will develop that also if you go all the way and do the deal. Life still happens, and not always the way I want, but I know how to live it today.

I'm guilty of not really remembering all that well the beginning of sobriety. My brain was kind of shut down for a while. Turned out to be a good thing for me.

I'm loathe to give advice, but, knowing what I know now, I would without further hesitation call one of those people in AA who seems to have a solution. Not one of the cool folks that talks a good game and spouts off simplistic slogans. But one those ones that talks about taking the steps as a means to a spiritual awakening. Don't care what your spiritual leanings are at the moment. It doesn't matter. If you don't know one of those folks yet, then call anybody. It doesn't matter what you talk about. Even better if you talk about them instead of yourself.

I've seen a lot of people get drunk feeling exactly the way you describe. I've seen a lot of people stay sober and on the path of recovery by picking up that phone.
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