Day 3
A new dawn and new chapter
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Kansas City, Missouri
Posts: 298
Day 3
Welp here we are at day 3 after my relapse of 4 months sober. I've done gone past the stage of beating myself up over it. Actually now I'm looking at it as a blessing of sorts. First off nothing real bad came out of the experience other then blowing $25 that I shouldn't have, but it's pretty minor. About the most stupid thing I did was log into myspace account and start posting messages and sending emails that were real ****ed up. And I luckily enough by the time I woke up checked back in and all but 2 were read. I got ahold of one person and told them what was up and they sympathized with my problem and everything is cool. The other called here while I was still passed out wanting to check on me and see if everything is alright. I've yet to get back in touch with them but I plan on getting back on myspace today and restarting my account and letting them know what's up. As for the rest who are not in know of what happened I'll just say something else, they never need to know any way.
And my whole experience with the relapse played out to the letter. The sad thing is I could of stopped myself but I didn't. Granted the urge was really playing over in my head over and over again. But by the time I parked and went in it stopped. That's when the urge left and the voice saying just walk away, buy a juice, soda or whatever but just walk away from the beer was going. But I said fu*k it I'm already here might as well see this through. So I get my beer home feel half guilty and half excited and take that first drink. I wont lie it felt pretty good and refreshing, my old friend coming back in to say hello again. Started getting that warm tingling feeling and from there all I could think of was MORE!!! And I drank more! It did seem like fun, I had a few people over and we were having some laughs and having fun, I was thinking I'm back. I can handle getting drunk once a month and maybe on the weekend having a few beers. It felt exciting, kind of like that feeling when you get in a drought and don't have sex for a long time then you finally get some and it feels like it's the best you ever had.
But that feeling didn't last to long. My company left but I don't remember that to well and I took a quick nap. When I woke up I felt like I was under the light with the judge jury and executioner of my mind standing over me pointing a accusing finger. And any rational thinking I had was thrown out and it was time to get more beer and get away from this feeling. From there everything was foggy, my mind was a whirlwind of insanity. Luckily I didn't attempt to leave the house or start calling people up and just had to delete a myspace account and feel foolish to two people. Pretty minor damage compared to what I'm really capable of.
And the hangover...oh god the HANGOVER! Well honestly at first I felt not to bad. But like everything else it played out like I knew it would. As time went on and more alcohol was leaving my body it really kicked in. It was another living nightmare, my previous blog is a pretty good indicator of that. And that's when it was a bit milder to the point where I could handle sitting down and typing. Most other times I'm so wound up and freaking out I cant force myself to sit still. I spend the time pacing around and going insane for a little while it's a real mess.
All in all I drank about a case worth of beer on my relapse, all of my extras I dumped out and threw away all the evidence. Day 2 was alright I felt a little shaky through the first part of the day but by late afternoon after forcing myself to clean house and get some dinner I was alright. Had some quiet time to myself and started thinking about the whole relapse and trying to pin point where I went wrong at and what I've could of done to avoid it. First problem ex-girlfriends, there's a reason why they are a ex. We were no good for eachother then and nothing now is going to make us good for eachother now. Second problem was I allowed myself to get worked up. I was taking proper measures of avoiding it for those two weeks it was like a buzzsaw in my head. But on that day I was rolling with the idea to much if that makes sense? Kind of like re-enacting drinking in my head and having "fun" with it. Thinking about those good old days and what not. So I kind of lied when I said in a thread of mine I was doing everything I could to avoid the urge. Well I was except the day I had my relapse.
So I've identified what went wrong. But really I feel like maybe this was for the best. it was like the final piece of the puzzle to really get back up and do it for real this time. I've learned one crucial lesson from all of this it's that no matter how long we stay sober. Be it 4 months, 4 years, or 40 years nothing will change in the way I react to it. it was lying dormant just waiting for me to slip up again. Everything happened just the way I thought it would. And I'm glad that it was a bad experience. If it was somehow a fun experience I would defiantly disappear for who knows how long this time and probably wind up right back here if I was lucky enough to come back.
So today I feel is a new day. The urge will be back again, I guess there will never be a cure for that. But I feel as my last relapse was the final one. I've lifted my ban on AA and giving it another try. There's a meeting at noon I'll be going to and another one at 7pm I might hit. It would be good to do at least in the short term and get ahold of some fellow alcoholics in real life. It's a new dawn and a new chapter in recovery.
And my whole experience with the relapse played out to the letter. The sad thing is I could of stopped myself but I didn't. Granted the urge was really playing over in my head over and over again. But by the time I parked and went in it stopped. That's when the urge left and the voice saying just walk away, buy a juice, soda or whatever but just walk away from the beer was going. But I said fu*k it I'm already here might as well see this through. So I get my beer home feel half guilty and half excited and take that first drink. I wont lie it felt pretty good and refreshing, my old friend coming back in to say hello again. Started getting that warm tingling feeling and from there all I could think of was MORE!!! And I drank more! It did seem like fun, I had a few people over and we were having some laughs and having fun, I was thinking I'm back. I can handle getting drunk once a month and maybe on the weekend having a few beers. It felt exciting, kind of like that feeling when you get in a drought and don't have sex for a long time then you finally get some and it feels like it's the best you ever had.
But that feeling didn't last to long. My company left but I don't remember that to well and I took a quick nap. When I woke up I felt like I was under the light with the judge jury and executioner of my mind standing over me pointing a accusing finger. And any rational thinking I had was thrown out and it was time to get more beer and get away from this feeling. From there everything was foggy, my mind was a whirlwind of insanity. Luckily I didn't attempt to leave the house or start calling people up and just had to delete a myspace account and feel foolish to two people. Pretty minor damage compared to what I'm really capable of.
And the hangover...oh god the HANGOVER! Well honestly at first I felt not to bad. But like everything else it played out like I knew it would. As time went on and more alcohol was leaving my body it really kicked in. It was another living nightmare, my previous blog is a pretty good indicator of that. And that's when it was a bit milder to the point where I could handle sitting down and typing. Most other times I'm so wound up and freaking out I cant force myself to sit still. I spend the time pacing around and going insane for a little while it's a real mess.
All in all I drank about a case worth of beer on my relapse, all of my extras I dumped out and threw away all the evidence. Day 2 was alright I felt a little shaky through the first part of the day but by late afternoon after forcing myself to clean house and get some dinner I was alright. Had some quiet time to myself and started thinking about the whole relapse and trying to pin point where I went wrong at and what I've could of done to avoid it. First problem ex-girlfriends, there's a reason why they are a ex. We were no good for eachother then and nothing now is going to make us good for eachother now. Second problem was I allowed myself to get worked up. I was taking proper measures of avoiding it for those two weeks it was like a buzzsaw in my head. But on that day I was rolling with the idea to much if that makes sense? Kind of like re-enacting drinking in my head and having "fun" with it. Thinking about those good old days and what not. So I kind of lied when I said in a thread of mine I was doing everything I could to avoid the urge. Well I was except the day I had my relapse.
So I've identified what went wrong. But really I feel like maybe this was for the best. it was like the final piece of the puzzle to really get back up and do it for real this time. I've learned one crucial lesson from all of this it's that no matter how long we stay sober. Be it 4 months, 4 years, or 40 years nothing will change in the way I react to it. it was lying dormant just waiting for me to slip up again. Everything happened just the way I thought it would. And I'm glad that it was a bad experience. If it was somehow a fun experience I would defiantly disappear for who knows how long this time and probably wind up right back here if I was lucky enough to come back.
So today I feel is a new day. The urge will be back again, I guess there will never be a cure for that. But I feel as my last relapse was the final one. I've lifted my ban on AA and giving it another try. There's a meeting at noon I'll be going to and another one at 7pm I might hit. It would be good to do at least in the short term and get ahold of some fellow alcoholics in real life. It's a new dawn and a new chapter in recovery.
Soft & Silky & Manageable
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Radelaide
Posts: 148
Everything you said I can totally relate to.
You are a very cluey Bard. And very self-aware. You recognise everything going on and you're able to be up front and honest with yourself about everything going on.
Well done mate
keep up the good work.
:ghug3
You are a very cluey Bard. And very self-aware. You recognise everything going on and you're able to be up front and honest with yourself about everything going on.
Well done mate
keep up the good work.:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
I'm not sure why or how this got bumped, but let's just say it was a good reminder for me. I hope that my last relapse was also my last. Drinking now really scares me. I felt SO awful, both mentally and physically, for days. I can't kid myself any longer that I can control it. I KNOW I can't, and that's what scares me. It is totally predictable that I will blackout and the next 2 days will be gruesome. I don't know why, but even if we don't drink, the disease seems to progress. In other words, the hangover is worse, the mental despair deeper. So, (at least, so far, and I pray forever), I don't DARE chance it again. As I said, I'm afraid of the consequences. Resigned, or relieved, or somewhere in between, I guess. The other thing I noticed the last time, is that I felt disgusted with myself almost immediately (not even at the buzz stage), but like Bard, at that point, I thought, well, I might as well continue. Stupid, I know. But my point is that I am too aware at this point. I know where it will lead and frightened out of my wits.
I know that fear is not the best motivator for sobriety, but I will take whatever works. I relish each sober day and can see the change in me as well as the change in my loved ones towards me. That is far more precious than a drink could ever be.
So, whoever is my guardian angel, thank you for reminding me that drinking isn't an option for me anymore. Period.
I know that fear is not the best motivator for sobriety, but I will take whatever works. I relish each sober day and can see the change in me as well as the change in my loved ones towards me. That is far more precious than a drink could ever be.
So, whoever is my guardian angel, thank you for reminding me that drinking isn't an option for me anymore. Period.
Last edited by HideorSeek; 06-18-2009 at 06:22 PM.
Soft & Silky & Manageable
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Radelaide
Posts: 148
Wow how embarrassing - looking at the dates on all the posts.
TBH I found this thread in the 'Newcomers to recovery' on the front page. I never bother to check dates on forums, but I might have to learn to do so to avoid further embarrassment.
You wouldn't be able to produce words of such beauty without a guardian angel.
PS - Whatever works for you
TBH I found this thread in the 'Newcomers to recovery' on the front page. I never bother to check dates on forums, but I might have to learn to do so to avoid further embarrassment.
I know that fear is not the best motivator for sobriety, but I will take whatever works. I relish each sober day and can see the change in me as well as the change in my loved ones towards me. That is far more precious than a drink could ever be.
PS - Whatever works for you
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
SB, I have done the same thing...respond to a post that I think is recent, only to discover it is months or even YEARS old. The thing is, wisdom is wisdom, and I don't know who is the mysterious "bumper", but invariably it is something I need to hear.
Check out his more recent post,, which I will confess, I bumped...
Check out his more recent post,, which I will confess, I bumped...
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