I don't know what happened...
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I don't know what happened...
Right now the last few days just have my head spinning. You know the feeling of not knowing what happened and not knowing if you can even believe what someone told you happened and you just have this very bad feeling about everything and like you just know you came close to something very bad happening? Does anyone think that one can "will oneself" into a blackout? I have become just a solitary drinker in my house as it's felt safer that way. I realized this week I can get myself into a LOT of trouble.
My shrink told me I disrespected him yesterday by showing up at his office UTI. What was I thinking? I could have just cancelled but I wanted him to see my like that. I truly think part of me just wants to self-destruct at this point. I got a call from my GF of 35 years this morning telling me she can't take it anymore. She can't take me sober as I just sink into this huge depression when sober. She can't take the fact I don't have a life. It feels like everything is just spiraling downward whether I drink or don't drink. Of course, we do know alcohol doesn't fix anything, but I feel like sobriety won't fix anything either.
At any rate, I'm just saying this stuff out loud. I don't know if anyone out there can help me (and I guess I mean rehabs, Drs, therapists). The humiliation of what I almost considered doing is just astounding me. I cannot explain it. Those blackouts were not normal. I'm the opposite of who I am when that happens. Thanks for letting me vent.
My shrink told me I disrespected him yesterday by showing up at his office UTI. What was I thinking? I could have just cancelled but I wanted him to see my like that. I truly think part of me just wants to self-destruct at this point. I got a call from my GF of 35 years this morning telling me she can't take it anymore. She can't take me sober as I just sink into this huge depression when sober. She can't take the fact I don't have a life. It feels like everything is just spiraling downward whether I drink or don't drink. Of course, we do know alcohol doesn't fix anything, but I feel like sobriety won't fix anything either.
At any rate, I'm just saying this stuff out loud. I don't know if anyone out there can help me (and I guess I mean rehabs, Drs, therapists). The humiliation of what I almost considered doing is just astounding me. I cannot explain it. Those blackouts were not normal. I'm the opposite of who I am when that happens. Thanks for letting me vent.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
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Down...up and around....the misery go round of addiction continues.
I too was riding until I learned how to abstain.
Hope you will figure out how to quit It's not doing you an iota of good.
I too was riding until I learned how to abstain.
Hope you will figure out how to quit It's not doing you an iota of good.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
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You're in possession of this knowledge about yourself, Katie, but I think most of us would agree that self-knowledge alone doesn't change anything.
Has your psychiatrist ever suggested a hospitalization--not necessarily a rehab, though dual-diagnosis might be a good idea--in order that you can be safe from yourself for awhile while you work through some of these issues?
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Has your psychiatrist ever suggested a hospitalization--not necessarily a rehab, though dual-diagnosis might be a good idea--in order that you can be safe from yourself for awhile while you work through some of these issues?
Peace & Love,
Sugah
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Originally Posted by Katie09 
I don't know if anyone out there can help me (and I guess I mean rehabs, Drs, therapists)
Having a happy and fulfilling life without alcohol is possible, I wouldn't have stuck around for this long if there wasn't a payoff. Are you willing to do whatever it takes? I hope you choose life over the alternative.
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Originally Posted by Sugah
You're in possession of this knowledge about yourself, Katie, but I think most of us would agree that self-knowledge alone doesn't change anything.
Has your psychiatrist ever suggested a hospitalization--not necessarily a rehab, though dual-diagnosis might be a good idea--in order that you can be safe from yourself for awhile while you work through some of these issues?
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Has your psychiatrist ever suggested a hospitalization--not necessarily a rehab, though dual-diagnosis might be a good idea--in order that you can be safe from yourself for awhile while you work through some of these issues?
Peace & Love,
Sugah
What is weighing on me now is an email I went back and reread. The guy in AA is now saying he is going to put a video of me out on the Net and/or report me to the police department. Apparently, he videotaped me for 18 minutes while UTI or so he says. I know this sounds crazy, but it is for real. Today is NOT a good day and I am staying inside where it is safe. Thanks for your post.
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Of course, we do know alcohol doesn't fix anything, but I feel like sobriety won't fix anything either.
I know you have really been stuggling lately with many situations and I truly hope things turn around for you soon.
You can't expect to feel better by just having a day or so without alcohol and then drinking again. From what I remember reading of your threads, you will make it through a few days and then pick up again. If this is the case, you haven't even been able to get through the detox/withdrawals yet and no one can say that they didn't feel like things were out of control the first several days when we are struggling to get clean.
My thoughts and Prayers are with you. I will always remember how I felt when I was struggling to get through those first few days.
Hugs,
Judy
You can't expect to feel better by just having a day or so without alcohol and then drinking again. From what I remember reading of your threads, you will make it through a few days and then pick up again. If this is the case, you haven't even been able to get through the detox/withdrawals yet and no one can say that they didn't feel like things were out of control the first several days when we are struggling to get clean.
My thoughts and Prayers are with you. I will always remember how I felt when I was struggling to get through those first few days.
Hugs,
Judy
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Originally Posted by Astro
There are plenty of people willing to help Katie, I've found limitless amounts of support in recovery. But I had to be willing to reach out and take it with both hands. It started with abstinence, and progressed from there. Recovery is a slow process, sometimes difficult and painful. But take a look around SR and I think you'll agree there are success stories.
Having a happy and fulfilling life without alcohol is possible, I wouldn't have stuck around for this long if there wasn't a payoff. Are you willing to do whatever it takes? I hope you choose life over the alternative.
Having a happy and fulfilling life without alcohol is possible, I wouldn't have stuck around for this long if there wasn't a payoff. Are you willing to do whatever it takes? I hope you choose life over the alternative.
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Originally Posted by serenityqueen
I know you have really been stuggling lately with many situations and I truly hope things turn around for you soon.
You can't expect to feel better by just having a day or so without alcohol and then drinking again. From what I remember reading of your threads, you will make it through a few days and then pick up again. If this is the case, you haven't even been able to get through the detox/withdrawals yet and no one can say that they didn't feel like things were out of control the first several days when we are struggling to get clean.
My thoughts and Prayers are with you. I will always remember how I felt when I was struggling to get through those first few days.
Hugs,
Judy
You can't expect to feel better by just having a day or so without alcohol and then drinking again. From what I remember reading of your threads, you will make it through a few days and then pick up again. If this is the case, you haven't even been able to get through the detox/withdrawals yet and no one can say that they didn't feel like things were out of control the first several days when we are struggling to get clean.
My thoughts and Prayers are with you. I will always remember how I felt when I was struggling to get through those first few days.
Hugs,
Judy
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
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Of course, we do know alcohol doesn't fix anything, but I feel like sobriety won't fix anything either.
These are conclusions only you can make: nobody else can tell you that you can't control your drinking, or if your drinking is a problem, nobody else can convince you that sobriety will change things.
You have to come to conclusions yourself.
I finally made the decision that none of my problems in life would be solved until I stopped drinking. I put the rest of my problems on hold. Becoming and staying sober became my number one priority.
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Originally Posted by Katie09
What is weighing on me now is an email I went back and reread. The guy in AA is now saying he is going to put a video of me out on the Net and/or report me to the police department. Apparently, he videotaped me for 18 minutes while UTI or so he says. I know this sounds crazy, but it is for real. Today is NOT a good day and I am staying inside where it is safe. Thanks for your post.
This guy is BAD news and a DRAMA queen. Disengage, disentangle, get out.
Let him post videos, let him go to the police... he's probably bluffing anyway... but if he does, then simply face the consequences... pick yourself up, dust yourself off and I'm quite sure the people here will support you no matter what it is you did. Use the people here to get through it.
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Oh my gosh, Katie, reading your post, I totally feel for you, and then tag it onto the whole other thread ordeal and just whoa, you are going through a lot of emotions and events right now.
First thing I want to say is that when you put down drinking you don't automatically become happy like a magic wand has been waved. Nothing is wrong with you that you felt super depressed when you stopped drinking. In fact you were probably just feeling feelings that you had used alcohol to numb. My last few months of sobriety have been filled with more depressing days than happy ones. I posted this in another post. It is a quote from a book I am reading and the author says some really interesting things about early recovery— things to dispel this I think dangerous myth that sobriety=happy feelings all the time and if you don't feel that way you are somehow doing it wrong.
The other thing it seems and I have no experience in this at all but I would imagine that you would really benefit from an inpatient rehab. I always sort of wished I would have gone, sometimes I even wish I could still go, it seems like super vacation (albeit with the same exorbitant price tag) by the beach and you get to spend all the time on yourself without feelings of guilt or distractions (like your GF) of others. And I would want to be far away from that AA guy with the video who if you haven't already I would cut all communication with completely.
First thing I want to say is that when you put down drinking you don't automatically become happy like a magic wand has been waved. Nothing is wrong with you that you felt super depressed when you stopped drinking. In fact you were probably just feeling feelings that you had used alcohol to numb. My last few months of sobriety have been filled with more depressing days than happy ones. I posted this in another post. It is a quote from a book I am reading and the author says some really interesting things about early recovery— things to dispel this I think dangerous myth that sobriety=happy feelings all the time and if you don't feel that way you are somehow doing it wrong.
Originally Posted by sfgirl
I have been devouring recovery books in my early recovery because books have always made me feel connected and given me information which makes me feel safe. It is getting to a point where they are all starting to blend together. However, the book that I am reading right now describes early recovery really well, definitely the best of all the books that I have read so far. This book is called A Place Called Self: Women, Sobriety, and Radical Transformation by Stephanie Brown, PhD.
I really wanted to share a passage because I think that reading this board and also in general, people in early recovery think that they are moving from a bad place to a good place and that their feelings will reflect that instantly and singularly. As in I will quit doing drugs or drinking and suddenly I will be happy or quickly I will be happy. I know I at one point felt that way. And when it doesn't happen that way we ask ourselves what is wrong with me? Do I not "get" recovery? Why am I not happy? So I just wanted to share a quote from the book which basically likens the beginning of recovery to being a newborn out of the womb (maybe a slightly cheesy image but quite apt if you ask me) and that all sorts of feelings are normal— extreme depression, complete numbness, and happiness:
p38
"New recovery is painful on several levels. First, newly recovering women must deal with the normal feelings that most women have but which they ahve buried under addiction. Second, they have to face the ambivalence they feel as they bring their own recovery needs into balance with meeting the needs of others. Third, they experience shame and guilt, loss, sadness, and other difficult feelings as they face the sometimes outrageous, irresponsible, and even dangerous things they did during their addiction. Fourth, they may find themselves threatened by new, or more intense, memories of trauma during their childhood and adult life.
Unfortunately, many women don't know that it's normal to feel a full range of emotions in sobriety, from anxiety to sadness to pleasure. What's more they don't want this kind of 'normal.' They want to feel better. They don't want to hear that this is what you get when you stop using.
It's very hard to hear that recovery is about learning to accept problems, conflicts, and emotional pain as normal and then learning different ways to cope. Women may conclude that they are doing something wrong if they are having problems in recovery. Quite the contrary. The fact that they are having problems and emotional pain is a sign that they are in recovery.
....
Whether you feel a lot, feel a little, or feel nothing at all, it is normal. You just don't want to start using in order to stop the feelings or in order to start them."
I really wanted to share a passage because I think that reading this board and also in general, people in early recovery think that they are moving from a bad place to a good place and that their feelings will reflect that instantly and singularly. As in I will quit doing drugs or drinking and suddenly I will be happy or quickly I will be happy. I know I at one point felt that way. And when it doesn't happen that way we ask ourselves what is wrong with me? Do I not "get" recovery? Why am I not happy? So I just wanted to share a quote from the book which basically likens the beginning of recovery to being a newborn out of the womb (maybe a slightly cheesy image but quite apt if you ask me) and that all sorts of feelings are normal— extreme depression, complete numbness, and happiness:
p38
"New recovery is painful on several levels. First, newly recovering women must deal with the normal feelings that most women have but which they ahve buried under addiction. Second, they have to face the ambivalence they feel as they bring their own recovery needs into balance with meeting the needs of others. Third, they experience shame and guilt, loss, sadness, and other difficult feelings as they face the sometimes outrageous, irresponsible, and even dangerous things they did during their addiction. Fourth, they may find themselves threatened by new, or more intense, memories of trauma during their childhood and adult life.
Unfortunately, many women don't know that it's normal to feel a full range of emotions in sobriety, from anxiety to sadness to pleasure. What's more they don't want this kind of 'normal.' They want to feel better. They don't want to hear that this is what you get when you stop using.
It's very hard to hear that recovery is about learning to accept problems, conflicts, and emotional pain as normal and then learning different ways to cope. Women may conclude that they are doing something wrong if they are having problems in recovery. Quite the contrary. The fact that they are having problems and emotional pain is a sign that they are in recovery.
....
Whether you feel a lot, feel a little, or feel nothing at all, it is normal. You just don't want to start using in order to stop the feelings or in order to start them."
The other thing it seems and I have no experience in this at all but I would imagine that you would really benefit from an inpatient rehab. I always sort of wished I would have gone, sometimes I even wish I could still go, it seems like super vacation (albeit with the same exorbitant price tag) by the beach and you get to spend all the time on yourself without feelings of guilt or distractions (like your GF) of others. And I would want to be far away from that AA guy with the video who if you haven't already I would cut all communication with completely.
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Originally Posted by Katie09
I am not willing to go to AA, if that is what this question meant. But I would be willing to stick myself in some psych ward at this point. I figure there are trained professionals who might be able to help me.
And for the record, I checked myself into a behavioral center after two weeks of sobriety, wanting to know what was wrong with me. They told me I was an alcoholic, and suggested I try AA.
I did, it's just what works for me, I'm not suggesting it's the only way.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
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I've also read the book that sfgirl quotes from: A Place Called Self: Women, Sobriety, and Radical Transformation by Stephanie Brown, PhD. It has a companion workbook that is very helpful too.
Katie, I don't think anything else matters right now except you not picking up. It doesn't matter what your girlfriend feels about you. It doesn't matter what kind of stupid threats this man in your life is making against you. It doesn't matter that you wanted your therapist to witness you drunk so you went in drunk. It doesn't matter that you find yourself spiraling into depression when you quit drinking for a week or two.
Okay. Let me rephrase that. ALL of that stuff matters. But it is so deeply SECONDARY to the primary task you have in front of you. And when I read your posts, you are talking all around the real issue.
The real issue is that you must, if you want to live, reach down deep inside yourself and find the strength to stop drinking. Most people do not do this alone. (Some do.) MOST people realize, in a deep way, that they are unable to stop drinking on their own. And then they ask for help. From God as they experience him, from a program, from an institution, from friends and family.
When you truly accept that you are unable to control your drinking, and you truly make that the most important fact of your life right now - everything else will fall away. You will get up in the morning and recommit yourself to sobriety and recovery. You won't be thinking about what some awful man who deserves to be taken out back and stomped on is doing. You won't be able to let your mind wander into the unknown passages of depression. Because you will be BUSY working on recovery. You will be here. You will be in meetings or groups. You will be writing your thoughts out. You will be crying. You will be talking to your sponsor or a therapist. You will be going for a walk and letting the breeze renew your spirits. You will be praying. You will be BUSY with the work of recovery.
It sounds like you are undecided about entering that place in your life. And I feel for you. Where you are right now - that in between living hell and the first few steps of recovery - is truly awful. It doesn't get better if you stay there. It gets worse. I know from experience. It does, however, get better if you take the next courageous steps into recovery. If you let the other distracting things in your life fade to their appropriate levels of importance, and you put NOT DRINKING at the absolute top of things that are important and get your attention.
Katie, I don't think anything else matters right now except you not picking up. It doesn't matter what your girlfriend feels about you. It doesn't matter what kind of stupid threats this man in your life is making against you. It doesn't matter that you wanted your therapist to witness you drunk so you went in drunk. It doesn't matter that you find yourself spiraling into depression when you quit drinking for a week or two.
Okay. Let me rephrase that. ALL of that stuff matters. But it is so deeply SECONDARY to the primary task you have in front of you. And when I read your posts, you are talking all around the real issue.
The real issue is that you must, if you want to live, reach down deep inside yourself and find the strength to stop drinking. Most people do not do this alone. (Some do.) MOST people realize, in a deep way, that they are unable to stop drinking on their own. And then they ask for help. From God as they experience him, from a program, from an institution, from friends and family.
When you truly accept that you are unable to control your drinking, and you truly make that the most important fact of your life right now - everything else will fall away. You will get up in the morning and recommit yourself to sobriety and recovery. You won't be thinking about what some awful man who deserves to be taken out back and stomped on is doing. You won't be able to let your mind wander into the unknown passages of depression. Because you will be BUSY working on recovery. You will be here. You will be in meetings or groups. You will be writing your thoughts out. You will be crying. You will be talking to your sponsor or a therapist. You will be going for a walk and letting the breeze renew your spirits. You will be praying. You will be BUSY with the work of recovery.
It sounds like you are undecided about entering that place in your life. And I feel for you. Where you are right now - that in between living hell and the first few steps of recovery - is truly awful. It doesn't get better if you stay there. It gets worse. I know from experience. It does, however, get better if you take the next courageous steps into recovery. If you let the other distracting things in your life fade to their appropriate levels of importance, and you put NOT DRINKING at the absolute top of things that are important and get your attention.
Today's Muse
Join Date: May 2007
Location: West end
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With all do respect, the trained professionals have been unable to get or keep you sober thus far. I'm not saying that they haven't helped you, but I do believe you may want to stick with people who can understand what you are dealing with first hand when it comes to alcoholism.
It takes willingness, an open mind, accountability and acceptance before we can find sobriety. When we set limitations on what we are willing to do to get sober, we are standing in the way of our own recovery. The choice is up to you.
Best wishes and never give up the fight. There is a solution.
It takes willingness, an open mind, accountability and acceptance before we can find sobriety. When we set limitations on what we are willing to do to get sober, we are standing in the way of our own recovery. The choice is up to you.
Best wishes and never give up the fight. There is a solution.
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