Ok, I am going to post this at a risk...
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Ok, I am going to post this at a risk...
I do NOT want to be controversial. I do NOT want to cause any problem. I do NOT want to be negative or blame anyone else for my shortcomings. I don't want to cause any problem, but I do need help.
I went to two AA meetings today. The first one I felt safe at. I was with my friend Carol. The second one, in spite of a dear person on here offering to let me sit with that person, I still sat at the back of the room. I left after 15 minutes, as I did not feel safe. I almost starting crying and I left.
I have spoken with a dear and trusted person here tonight and it did help. However, I want to put a question out to all of you, as I now have guts.
However, I have a very straight and simple question at this point. I want to know how a person, with many years in this program, knowing of my issues...who speaks of God constantly, is a devout Catholic, does all the sacraments, goes to two churces three times a month, does confession with a priest monthly, could possibly send me the most vile emails I have ever read? This affected my ability to sit in that second AA meeting tonight, as every single person who walked in that door looked just like him.
I did see two people who hugged me and were happy to see me. There is a meeting tomorrow morning I may go to. One of the people who hugged me is chairing the meeting tomorrow. I may go and talk to him.
I just want some sort of explanation that goes beyond some are sicker than others. I want to know where this kind of malice comes from. I do not want to offend anyone, but there are certain things I need to understand in order to continue this fight. I honestly know in my heart and soul that I would never offer an addict his DOC for any reason. I'd walk away before that. Can anyone help me understand beyond the cliches?
I went to two AA meetings today. The first one I felt safe at. I was with my friend Carol. The second one, in spite of a dear person on here offering to let me sit with that person, I still sat at the back of the room. I left after 15 minutes, as I did not feel safe. I almost starting crying and I left.
I have spoken with a dear and trusted person here tonight and it did help. However, I want to put a question out to all of you, as I now have guts.
However, I have a very straight and simple question at this point. I want to know how a person, with many years in this program, knowing of my issues...who speaks of God constantly, is a devout Catholic, does all the sacraments, goes to two churces three times a month, does confession with a priest monthly, could possibly send me the most vile emails I have ever read? This affected my ability to sit in that second AA meeting tonight, as every single person who walked in that door looked just like him.
I did see two people who hugged me and were happy to see me. There is a meeting tomorrow morning I may go to. One of the people who hugged me is chairing the meeting tomorrow. I may go and talk to him.
I just want some sort of explanation that goes beyond some are sicker than others. I want to know where this kind of malice comes from. I do not want to offend anyone, but there are certain things I need to understand in order to continue this fight. I honestly know in my heart and soul that I would never offer an addict his DOC for any reason. I'd walk away before that. Can anyone help me understand beyond the cliches?
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Katie,
I'm sorry you are struggling with this.
The man who sexually assaulted me for years when I was a child was a monk. Incidentally, he was also having an affair with my mom.
This man was supossed to be the spiritual leader for the community I lived in.
So, I lost faith in the idea that a person's exterior trappings has any real significance when it comes to who they are on the inside and what they are capable.
You cannot look at a person, know their family, know their profession, read thier words, watch their interactions with other people -- none of that truly describes the character and the nature of that person.
The only way you find out whether a person is trustworthy or not is you allow them very small glimpses of you. You allow only very small and almost insignificant interactions. You go to get icecream together. You wait two days. You see them on the street and agree to get a cup of tea with them. You leave in 20 minutes to keep an appt you had. You agree to see them with 2 others to go to a movie. You don't let them hold you hand or put their arm around you.
In other words - you keep your distance and you force them to respect it. And if they don't, then you reject them completely. They are not safe. If they rush you, they are not safe. If they try to get in around you, coming to you door unexpected, emailing, etc - they are not safe.
And then you TRUST yourself and you do not even consider to let them in. Because you value what you've just learned. They are not safe.
That's my best explanation. I know this sucks. Keep yourself safe at all costs. Even if that means rejecting people who look like someone who you have determined is not safe. Reject them until you being to feel a loosening of that terror and ache. It gets better. I promise.
I'm sorry you are struggling with this.
The man who sexually assaulted me for years when I was a child was a monk. Incidentally, he was also having an affair with my mom.
This man was supossed to be the spiritual leader for the community I lived in.
So, I lost faith in the idea that a person's exterior trappings has any real significance when it comes to who they are on the inside and what they are capable.
You cannot look at a person, know their family, know their profession, read thier words, watch their interactions with other people -- none of that truly describes the character and the nature of that person.
The only way you find out whether a person is trustworthy or not is you allow them very small glimpses of you. You allow only very small and almost insignificant interactions. You go to get icecream together. You wait two days. You see them on the street and agree to get a cup of tea with them. You leave in 20 minutes to keep an appt you had. You agree to see them with 2 others to go to a movie. You don't let them hold you hand or put their arm around you.
In other words - you keep your distance and you force them to respect it. And if they don't, then you reject them completely. They are not safe. If they rush you, they are not safe. If they try to get in around you, coming to you door unexpected, emailing, etc - they are not safe.
And then you TRUST yourself and you do not even consider to let them in. Because you value what you've just learned. They are not safe.
That's my best explanation. I know this sucks. Keep yourself safe at all costs. Even if that means rejecting people who look like someone who you have determined is not safe. Reject them until you being to feel a loosening of that terror and ache. It gets better. I promise.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,141
Originally Posted by mle-sober 
Katie,
I'm sorry you are struggling with this.
The man who sexually assaulted me for years when I was a child was a monk. Incidentally, he was also having an affair with my mom.
This man was supossed to be the spiritual leader for the community I lived in.
So, I lost faith in the idea that a person's exterior trappings has any real significance when it comes to who they are on the inside and what they are capable.
You cannot look at a person, know their family, know their profession, read thier words, watch their interactions with other people -- none of that truly describes the character and the nature of that person.
The only way you find out whether a person is trustworthy or not is you allow them very small glimpses of you. You allow only very small and almost insignificant interactions. You go to get icecream together. You wait two days. You see them on the street and agree to get a cup of tea with them. You leave in 20 minutes to keep an appt you had. You agree to see them with 2 others to go to a movie. You don't let them hold you hand or put their arm around you.
In other words - you keep your distance and you force them to respect it. And if they don't, then you reject them completely. They are not safe. If they rush you, they are not safe. If they try to get in around you, coming to you door unexpected, emailing, etc - they are not safe.
And then you TRUST yourself and you do not even consider to let them in. Because you value what you've just learned. They are not safe.
That's my best explanation. I know this sucks. Keep yourself safe at all costs. Even if that means rejecting people who look like someone who you have determined is not safe. Reject them until you being to feel a loosening of that terror and ache. It gets better. I promise.
I'm sorry you are struggling with this.
The man who sexually assaulted me for years when I was a child was a monk. Incidentally, he was also having an affair with my mom.
This man was supossed to be the spiritual leader for the community I lived in.
So, I lost faith in the idea that a person's exterior trappings has any real significance when it comes to who they are on the inside and what they are capable.
You cannot look at a person, know their family, know their profession, read thier words, watch their interactions with other people -- none of that truly describes the character and the nature of that person.
The only way you find out whether a person is trustworthy or not is you allow them very small glimpses of you. You allow only very small and almost insignificant interactions. You go to get icecream together. You wait two days. You see them on the street and agree to get a cup of tea with them. You leave in 20 minutes to keep an appt you had. You agree to see them with 2 others to go to a movie. You don't let them hold you hand or put their arm around you.
In other words - you keep your distance and you force them to respect it. And if they don't, then you reject them completely. They are not safe. If they rush you, they are not safe. If they try to get in around you, coming to you door unexpected, emailing, etc - they are not safe.
And then you TRUST yourself and you do not even consider to let them in. Because you value what you've just learned. They are not safe.
That's my best explanation. I know this sucks. Keep yourself safe at all costs. Even if that means rejecting people who look like someone who you have determined is not safe. Reject them until you being to feel a loosening of that terror and ache. It gets better. I promise.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
katie...When others' actions continue to bother me in any way I have to look at what I can do about keeping my sanity and serenity intact.
If someone I knew sent me any kind of inappropriate email- it would be the last contact of any type that I would allow. This is about setting boundaries and making changes in how I do things.
It's good that you went to the first meeting with a friend.
May I suggest that you find an all women's meeting and when you attend mixed meetings stick with the women?
I hope that you won't let what others do keep you from getting the help that you need.
If someone I knew sent me any kind of inappropriate email- it would be the last contact of any type that I would allow. This is about setting boundaries and making changes in how I do things.
It's good that you went to the first meeting with a friend.
May I suggest that you find an all women's meeting and when you attend mixed meetings stick with the women?
I hope that you won't let what others do keep you from getting the help that you need.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,141
Originally Posted by cmc
katie...When others' actions continue to bother me in any way I have to look at what I can do about keeping my sanity and serenity intact.
If someone I knew sent me any kind of inappropriate email- it would be the last contact of any type that I would allow. This is about setting boundaries and making changes in how I do things.
It's good that you went to the first meeting with a friend.
May I suggest that you find an all women's meeting and when you attend mixed meetings stick with the women?
I hope that you won't let what others do keep you from getting the help that you need.
If someone I knew sent me any kind of inappropriate email- it would be the last contact of any type that I would allow. This is about setting boundaries and making changes in how I do things.
It's good that you went to the first meeting with a friend.
May I suggest that you find an all women's meeting and when you attend mixed meetings stick with the women?
I hope that you won't let what others do keep you from getting the help that you need.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,141
Originally Posted by flutter
Maybe change your email address.. just a thought
Yeah, it goes beyond this, as all the shame and hurt is there. My question was valid. Futhermore, you sound somewhat righteous.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Some are sicker then others
I'm not going even ponder what the e-mails were about.
I would go to mass with my ex, we'd no sooner get into the car and she'd start cussing like a sailor.
Some got to church to make an appearance, others go for spiritual conditioning.
It's best for me anyway, to distance myself from sick people and stay with people that , help me stay positive in my life
I'm not going even ponder what the e-mails were about.
I would go to mass with my ex, we'd no sooner get into the car and she'd start cussing like a sailor.
Some got to church to make an appearance, others go for spiritual conditioning.
It's best for me anyway, to distance myself from sick people and stay with people that , help me stay positive in my life
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,141
Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000
Some are sicker then others
I'm not going even ponder what the e-mails were about.
I would go to mass with my ex, we'd no sooner get into the car and she'd stat cussing like a sailor.
Some got to church to make an appearance, others go for spiritual conditioning.
It's best for me anyway, to distance myself from sick people and stay with people that , help me stay positive in my life
I'm not going even ponder what the e-mails were about.
I would go to mass with my ex, we'd no sooner get into the car and she'd stat cussing like a sailor.
Some got to church to make an appearance, others go for spiritual conditioning.
It's best for me anyway, to distance myself from sick people and stay with people that , help me stay positive in my life
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Originally Posted by Katie09
Ok, but I have alway revered Catholics, FWIW. I guess I'll have to take your word on this. As far as sick people, I am defined as a sick person, yet I know the difference between good and bad, so maybe I am not so sick afterall.
I went to mass for the first time since my divorce 17 years ago last Sunday.
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Originally Posted by flutter
I know it goes beyond that, it seems like you got some answers and advice you were looking for.. I was just adding on. good grief.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
At the risk of being the bad guy(well-girl)-I have to ask you-what exactly do you want here?
You post crisis after crisis but for all the help you've been offered?You just seem to ignore it and create more drama in your life, and then what?Expect us to pick up the pieces and feel sorry for you?
Blame the Catholic Church, A.A, hell anything...your inability to choose trustworthy people to relate to?For heaven's sake-this is ridiculous.
I do feel for you?But I don't see one iota of willingness in you to help yourself or change.You just post about what everyone else is doing to you and seem comfortable remaining a victim and posting new threads about it.And you have been given some very sound advice here, which you then choose to resent?
I'm sorry if I sound mean but honestly-DO something.
Jules.
You post crisis after crisis but for all the help you've been offered?You just seem to ignore it and create more drama in your life, and then what?Expect us to pick up the pieces and feel sorry for you?
Blame the Catholic Church, A.A, hell anything...your inability to choose trustworthy people to relate to?For heaven's sake-this is ridiculous.
I do feel for you?But I don't see one iota of willingness in you to help yourself or change.You just post about what everyone else is doing to you and seem comfortable remaining a victim and posting new threads about it.And you have been given some very sound advice here, which you then choose to resent?
I'm sorry if I sound mean but honestly-DO something.
Jules.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 63
I'll post you some quotes from a website "doorknob" directed me to today. It really spoke volumes to me about what I'm in control of and what I'm not in control of and about accepting that **** just sometimes happens to people and lifes not fair and that's just the way it is.
You can't control that guy and it is pointless trying to figure him out. Anyway here's some of the quotes I liked:
• Whining and screaming about the injustices and unfairness of the past will only take a bad situation and make it worse.
• I don't have to be the one person in the universe to have been treated with total fairness and kindness — and I don't have to moan and groan about the fact that I wasn't.
• Feeling sorry for myself, angry toward others, guilty, or ashamed for getting the short end of the stick in the past will only continue to keep me from achieving happiness in the present and future.
• I am an active stewing-in-my-own-juices participant in my present victimization and can choose instead to make plans to move forward with my life.
• Going on an archeological dig of my past in an effort to explain my present difficulties is like trying to find a needle in a haystack and will only divert me from present problem-solving.
and this one I really liked:
• Everything that has happened in my life happened. Therefore, I'd better get off my high horse and stop pigheadedly demanding that it should not have occurred, when in truth it did occur.
You can't control that guy and it is pointless trying to figure him out. Anyway here's some of the quotes I liked:
• Whining and screaming about the injustices and unfairness of the past will only take a bad situation and make it worse.
• I don't have to be the one person in the universe to have been treated with total fairness and kindness — and I don't have to moan and groan about the fact that I wasn't.
• Feeling sorry for myself, angry toward others, guilty, or ashamed for getting the short end of the stick in the past will only continue to keep me from achieving happiness in the present and future.
• I am an active stewing-in-my-own-juices participant in my present victimization and can choose instead to make plans to move forward with my life.
• Going on an archeological dig of my past in an effort to explain my present difficulties is like trying to find a needle in a haystack and will only divert me from present problem-solving.
and this one I really liked:
• Everything that has happened in my life happened. Therefore, I'd better get off my high horse and stop pigheadedly demanding that it should not have occurred, when in truth it did occur.
.
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: chicago
Posts: 148
Originally Posted by Katie09
Ok, but I have alway revered Catholics, FWIW. I guess I'll have to take your word on this. As far as sick people, I am defined as a sick person, yet I know the difference between good and bad, so maybe I am not so sick afterall.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Originally Posted by Katie09
Flutter, you still do not seem to demonstrate much compassion. Perhaps you have forgotten a few things... just sayin'
I'm sorry you're in whatever heap of a situation you're in, but really? Take some action here, you're not completely a victim. I honestly don't understand what you're looking for.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Katie - thousands of people have been helped here. I'm sorry you feel you haven't been, but I rather suspect you're not gonna like the answers you'll get anywhere else either.
I'm with Jules on this one - you can focus on the past until it consumes you, or you can act to make sure these situations don't happen again. I know in which direction recovery lies.
Like I said last time - you need to be focusing on yourself - you should be examining why you repeatedly put yourself in these situations, and examining why you look to blame everybody else for your bad decisions.
The only areas you can change are those within you. Anything else needs a line in the sand drawn. It belongs to old Katie and yesterday.
I'm not entirely sure what you wanted from us to be honest, but you've got good answers here and good straightforward support and advice, IMO.
If the answers aren't to your liking, maybe you need to take a deep breath and look at why you're out of step?
I wish you luck.
D
I'm with Jules on this one - you can focus on the past until it consumes you, or you can act to make sure these situations don't happen again. I know in which direction recovery lies.
Like I said last time - you need to be focusing on yourself - you should be examining why you repeatedly put yourself in these situations, and examining why you look to blame everybody else for your bad decisions.
The only areas you can change are those within you. Anything else needs a line in the sand drawn. It belongs to old Katie and yesterday.
I'm not entirely sure what you wanted from us to be honest, but you've got good answers here and good straightforward support and advice, IMO.
If the answers aren't to your liking, maybe you need to take a deep breath and look at why you're out of step?
I wish you luck.
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 16
Katie I understand you. I don't know the whole story but I do know you are feeling frustrated... and I sympathize. Hang in there and never give up! You have friends here and it seems they all want to help even though sometimes it doesn't seem that way.
Just take a very deep breath and swing your neck around in a figure 8 movement.
Chuckle, smile maybe or not, but at least take the time to stop and think. Count
your blessings on this board and know that you are in good company.
Just take a very deep breath and swing your neck around in a figure 8 movement.
Chuckle, smile maybe or not, but at least take the time to stop and think. Count
your blessings on this board and know that you are in good company.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,141
Originally Posted by bosoxbunny
Katie I understand you. I don't know the whole story but I do know you are feeling frustrated... and I sympathize. Hang in there and never give up! You have friends here and it seems they all want to help even though sometimes it doesn't seem that way.
Just take a very deep breath and swing your neck around in a figure 8 movement.
Chuckle, smile maybe or not, but at least take the time to stop and think. Count
your blessings on this board and know that you are in good company.
Just take a very deep breath and swing your neck around in a figure 8 movement.
Chuckle, smile maybe or not, but at least take the time to stop and think. Count
your blessings on this board and know that you are in good company.
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