Jomey

Hey Suze - Is there a chance that she could double up on chores in the summer, or when she is not so busy with basketball? My sons are all involved with different activities, and there seems to be ebbs and flows in their schedules. We have always gone with the theory that it all comes even in the end. Sounds like tho, if your sons and your husband are getting mad about you "covering" for her, it's time for a family meeting and an open discussion about it.

Evanna

Thanks for pointing me in the direction of this thread Toomutch. I am finding it very tough being a parent to my 16 yr old son at the moment. He is a great kid but has been a little moody for a few years now. Recently he has stepped it up a notch and has decided he cant stand to be near me and stays in his room all the time. This then taps straight into my guilt about what a terrible mum i have been. It is really quite awful.

Toomutch

Evanna - You're not at all a terrible mom because your son stays in his room all the time. I think almost all teenagers like to spend time in their rooms without siblings and parents bothering them. It is just what teens do. Whether we like it or not they need to learn to seperate from us and this is the beginning stages.

May I suggest that you find a time that works well each day and spend some time with him, even if for only 15 minutes. Let him know that you are there for him if he needs you - which of course he does.

Allowing disrespect is an issue I am working on. My daughter talks to me and bosses me and I am learning to make it stop by taking privledges away.

Bottom line teens are a different species than us... lol, and we can only do the best we know how to raise them. Love, guidance, structure, responsibility, independence and mutual respect are all very important when raising teens. Just my 2 cents worth.

Evanna

Thanks Toomutch. I get really torn between 'this is normal teen behaviour' and 'this is my teen hating me cos i was such a lousy drug addicted mum for much of his life'.

Your post helped me see that there are a few issues here....
......staying in his room which isnt really an issue at all and reading your words could perhaps be construed as normal, healthy developmental stage. Maybe i will start enforcing us all eat together again though so we at least get that 15mins you talk of.

.....and then there is the disrespectful way he talks to me lately. I end up allowing it because my guilt at past says its what i deserve anyway. I have read what you said about working on not allowing it and gonna give that a try.

.....my own feelings about the past.

Thanks so much for pointing me to this thread and for your reply which was more helpful than you will know.

lifeinchaos

Suzette,

Thanks for starting this thread! I posted one myself earlier because I was exasperated and someone mentioned this to me. (thank you)

Reading these makes me realise I am not losing my mind after all. Well, what's left of it anyway.

Please keep posting!!

mamabin

Thank you so much Suzette. I remembered seeing this thread but never reading it. I need it right now. Here's what's going on. I work nights so my daughter is alone here with her friends until my husband gets home around 7. So she's here with her friends from 3-7. I allow it because she has shown no signs of using drugs or getting into trouble. She doesn't have a steady boyfriend, and I don't allow her to have just guys over. Back to tonight. She has asked for therapy in the past off and on. One time I had to cancel the day of the appointment (which took a month to get) because her coke head father wouldn't sign.

Ok, now back to tonight. I came home from work early because I was sick. She was here with 2 guys who are her friends. I didn't have a second thought about it. I turned on my computer and after a little while, she comes and sits next to me crying. The 2 guys are standing there. She asks if I now believe she needs therapy. One of the guys tells me to look at her arm and hands me 3 razor blades and one of those box cutter things. There are marks on her arm, nothing deep. We talked about her problems and the guys even joined in talking about a guy who won't leave her alone because she won't go out with him.

I had a huge headache so I took my night meds and went to bed. My husband was in his office (he hides in there when kids are over but he can hear what they're saying.) He's her stepfather and there is alot of stress between them. Anyway, I wake up to Chelsea telling one of them to get out of the house and take the others with him. So I listen at the top of the stairs. She came up to use the bathroom and I asked her if she wanted me to go down there, she said no, so I stood at the top of the stairs and listened.

She stuck to her guns and demanded them to leave even though they kept apologizing. The one with the car was the one trying to calm things down. Finally, they leave. Turns out, the guy she's been having a tough time with had shown up and the argument started. She was mad at her friend with the car because he made a comment on this guy's side. Apparently, the argument was about the fact that this kid who's giving her a hard time won't leave her alone because she won't go out with him.

Right now she's up in her room with a girl friend, and I'm down here drinking coffee thinking it might be a long night. Of course, I'm making her therapy appointment for tomorrow.

I'm so thankful I'm not drinking right now.

Tommyh

good thread
toomuch,my son is 26,my daughter is 20.Both have moved out from home.
My daughter played a lot of softball and a lot of basketball before high school.She was young,always busy and came home tired.We let her off the hook sometimes with chores around the house because she was wore out.She kept her grades up during this too and always made the honor roll.When it came time for high school sports,she declined,saying she did n`t want to get caught up in all that "crap",and around here,thats about the way it is.
Letting them ride on a chore or two is ok,but to excuse them from doing all chores is something I never did.She is doing good today by the way.She keeps her apartment cleaner than her old bedroom..
As far as the cuddle bug,my son is a big 26 yr old guy who comes up and hugs me and tells me he loves me anytime I see him,in the grocery store,or wal mart,just where ever.
We showed our kids a lot of love and they responded well to it.No matter what,we tried to let them know we loved them and we tried to show them.He is doing fine today.

We also took a active part in their lives,by going to ball games and other school things etc.We never let them go anywhere there was not a responsible sober adult there.Never would we let them go somewhere there was drugging or drinking.Out of the question.If we dropped you off at the skating rink,you better stay there,if you leave,I`ll hunt you down and you won`t go back.I told them that and they did good too.
We had to let them have some slack during the teen years too,so they could earn trust and give them chances to make good decisions.All in all,they did pretty good.

Once we had some problems and they was rebellious.They was rebelling against authority.So we had a "group conscience meeting" like we do in AA.We all sat down at the kitchen table,I presented the problem,we all went around and had our say about the problem and solution,one at a time.No criticism of the other.When it was over,we voted on the solution.Majority won.
they won
they did good,and there was no rebelling for a quite a while.That day I learned another tool.Give them a chance for their voice to be heard in family matters.That gives them a chance to help with the family,to gain experience with family matters,and a feeling of "this is my family too,and not just Mom or Dads".When we was done with the meeting,we all stuck behind each other.
I realized some things too,it built unity within the family and they had some pretty good ideas.By having that meeting and to let them have a say,it destroyed the rebellion.I would never had known the kids ideas if I had kept on like I was at the time.This may not work in any family or situation,but it sure helped ours and we did it on quite a few occasions.

Tommyh

my reply double posted so I`ll remove this one

Eclipse

I have 4 kids and are all really good kids. The worst my oldest ever did was she and a friend jumped into a group they did not belong to that was getting pictures taken for the year book. They range in age from 11 to 17...The 3 oldest are daughters, all with the attitude one day or another. They all have chores around the house. They each have a dish day, they take care of their rooms and their bathroom. Like Suzette I don't bring their laundry to the laundry room. If they bring it to me in a timely manner (not 11PM) I will do it. They also have to sort it and turn it right side out. Otherwise they are on their own for washing clothes. Our big fight right now is they think they need to use a clean towel everyday ---one for head/one for body--that's 42 towels in a week. I told them I was just going to throw them back in the drawer and not rewash a towel that you had on your head for 5 minutes. Hasn't quite fazed them. If things get piled up around the house I just put a big pile in the living room floor and tell them they have 5 minutes to pick it up or I am selling it on ebay--one mom really did that!

CAPTAINZING2000

SENDING THEM OFF TO A MILITARY SCHOOL SEEMS LIKE A GOOD IDEA


Well, my 18 year old daughter moved back up with her older sister. My 19 year old son's in Afghanistan where, I worry less about him at night then, when, he's home tearing around.

I think, what I put my mother thru has come back to haunt me two fold.

I had 3 kids all lose their lic. in a the same year for drinking.

I understand why some animals eat their young now