Raising Teens While in Recovery
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kaneohe, HI
Posts: 2
Back in the Ring
I just ran across this thread and so glad i did. I am back in the program with 7 1/2 months sober. I gave up 18 years of sobriety to try crystal meth on a resentment against my x-husband. well, i dont have to tell you how that turned out... im now in the process of trying to get back custody of my two boys ~ ages 10 and 13. I can see the tell-tale signs of adolescense creeping into both of them, the 10 year old bouncing off of his big brother. it doesnt help that they've had so much "boys club" atmosphere with my x. i know that deep down inside they are good boys, fortunately i was only out 11 months (seems like eternity) but the rest of their precious lives ive been a sober mom. thanks for being a sounding board! 
heather in hawaii
heather in hawaii
I'm just a little unwell
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
My teen seems to live with a constant attitude of entitlement. Anyone else familiar with this? It's not even that he WANTS things, or HOPES for things... it's as if his silly little mind truly believes that he DESERVES things to be automatically handed to him, just as he wants them, at precisely the time he wants them, with no outside input or interference.
He does not have a clue about EARNING something - even though I've tried all his life to instill that in him.
Example: he will be 15 in May. At 15 in my state, you can get a Learner's Permit. In his mind, this means that on the day he turns 15 - no matter what else is going on in the universe - we will be 1st in line at the DMV and he will magically be handed a permit, no test of any kind required. He will then be allowed to drive my car (a stick, which he has no clue how to operate) whenever and where ever he wants, with me supplying gas and car insurance. Oh, and he thinks he won't have to have a job, either. And I should also mention that he has NO knowledge of directions or street names or anything like that, and thinks it's perfectly normal to try to tell someone where something is by saying, "You go down there and turn on that street, I think left, and then go for a little bit more till you see that house, then you turn again, I don't know which way, but then you'll see it."
When I burst this bubble, he was sincerely and honestly SHOCKED. He acted as if he could not believe the words coming from my mouth when I said that:
1. Driving is a PRIVILEGE, not a RIGHT
2. He MAY or MAY NOT get his permit right after he turns 15. His attitude will determine that, not his birthdate.
3. If he is serious about wanting to get a permit and learning to drive, he needs to get serious about - a) getting a copy of the state laws of the road and learning them, so he can pass the test and b) getting a job so he can pay for his own gas and a portion of his car insurance.
4. If he is serious about wanting to get a permit and learning to drive, he will also get serious about being more responsible, and that means learning directions and street names. He has gone completely insane if he thinks I'm going to turn him loose behind the wheel of a car without knowing where he is or where he's going.
Honestly, he looked at me like I was from another planet when I said all this. And then he didn't speak to me for the rest of the night. But you know what? Since then, every single time we drive somewhere together, he asks me what street we're on, and he looks at the compass on my rear view mirror to see what direction we're going in. He still doesn't understand why he has to bother to know whether he's going north or east but at least he's trying.
He does not have a clue about EARNING something - even though I've tried all his life to instill that in him.
Example: he will be 15 in May. At 15 in my state, you can get a Learner's Permit. In his mind, this means that on the day he turns 15 - no matter what else is going on in the universe - we will be 1st in line at the DMV and he will magically be handed a permit, no test of any kind required. He will then be allowed to drive my car (a stick, which he has no clue how to operate) whenever and where ever he wants, with me supplying gas and car insurance. Oh, and he thinks he won't have to have a job, either. And I should also mention that he has NO knowledge of directions or street names or anything like that, and thinks it's perfectly normal to try to tell someone where something is by saying, "You go down there and turn on that street, I think left, and then go for a little bit more till you see that house, then you turn again, I don't know which way, but then you'll see it."
When I burst this bubble, he was sincerely and honestly SHOCKED. He acted as if he could not believe the words coming from my mouth when I said that:
1. Driving is a PRIVILEGE, not a RIGHT
2. He MAY or MAY NOT get his permit right after he turns 15. His attitude will determine that, not his birthdate.
3. If he is serious about wanting to get a permit and learning to drive, he needs to get serious about - a) getting a copy of the state laws of the road and learning them, so he can pass the test and b) getting a job so he can pay for his own gas and a portion of his car insurance.
4. If he is serious about wanting to get a permit and learning to drive, he will also get serious about being more responsible, and that means learning directions and street names. He has gone completely insane if he thinks I'm going to turn him loose behind the wheel of a car without knowing where he is or where he's going.
Honestly, he looked at me like I was from another planet when I said all this. And then he didn't speak to me for the rest of the night. But you know what? Since then, every single time we drive somewhere together, he asks me what street we're on, and he looks at the compass on my rear view mirror to see what direction we're going in. He still doesn't understand why he has to bother to know whether he's going north or east but at least he's trying.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Attica, MI
Posts: 465
As I said in my earlier post, I was raised up to be grown up early. However, my mom was and still is a very affectionate mom. Til I was a teenager I would lay down with my head on her leg and watch tv at night (2 fuzzy stations 
), and I was supposedly a "tough" farm boy. My father wasn't physically affectionate, but none the less a very loving parent. I think he thought it admirable that his son's would treat their mother, and his wife, with adoring affection. So I guess I'm some where in the middle. I know I was comfortable with my mom showing public affection toward me and taking the 'ribbing' from my pals at school when she showed it.
I think that your son, Toomutch, is a fortunate young man to have a mom that was like mine. He'll be better off knowing your not afraid to show him affection your way, and very respectfully, their dad can be proud that they love their mom so much.
), and I was supposedly a "tough" farm boy. My father wasn't physically affectionate, but none the less a very loving parent. I think he thought it admirable that his son's would treat their mother, and his wife, with adoring affection. So I guess I'm some where in the middle. I know I was comfortable with my mom showing public affection toward me and taking the 'ribbing' from my pals at school when she showed it.I think that your son, Toomutch, is a fortunate young man to have a mom that was like mine. He'll be better off knowing your not afraid to show him affection your way, and very respectfully, their dad can be proud that they love their mom so much.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: MN
Posts: 528
Originally Posted by shezbak 
I just ran across this thread and so glad i did. I am back in the program with 7 1/2 months sober. I gave up 18 years of sobriety to try crystal meth on a resentment against my x-husband. well, i dont have to tell you how that turned out... im now in the process of trying to get back custody of my two boys ~ ages 10 and 13. I can see the tell-tale signs of adolescense creeping into both of them, the 10 year old bouncing off of his big brother. it doesnt help that they've had so much "boys club" atmosphere with my x. i know that deep down inside they are good boys, fortunately i was only out 11 months (seems like eternity) but the rest of their precious lives ive been a sober mom. thanks for being a sounding board! heather in hawaii
heather in hawaiiMember
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kaneohe, HI
Posts: 2
Thank you for your loving support. You can really get lost in here. Ive spent the better part of my morning "cruising around". It is sooo nice to have sober support on-line; it is like being a member of a cyber-homegroup.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Several of the people I work with, at the restaurant, are originally from Mexico. One of my buddies, Chris, has listened to me vent about my 15-year-old niece, Brit. He says that poor kids in Mexico, sell Chiclets on the street, so his standard reply, when I tell him of Brit's latest antics is "send her to Mexico to sell Chiclets".
Today, she's been home less than 24 hours, after spending days with her best friend (she's home schooled). She just woke me up, screaming, crying and cussing, because dad told her she couldn't do something. I reminded her I work nights, sleep days, but it didn't slow her down a bit.
I see a trip to Mexico in her future
Just kidding.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Today, she's been home less than 24 hours, after spending days with her best friend (she's home schooled). She just woke me up, screaming, crying and cussing, because dad told her she couldn't do something. I reminded her I work nights, sleep days, but it didn't slow her down a bit.
I see a trip to Mexico in her future
Just kidding.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Mexico... Not a bad idea... I will be the one going, and I wont be selling chiclets. I will be sunning on the beach. The kids will be home keeping up with all the household duties...
Ya Right! In my dreams...
Ya Right! In my dreams...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
You started a good thing, Suzette. My son is grown, but I just want to say I have so much respect for all of you who are trying to deal with children, other health issues, job problems - I think it's remarkable that you've been able to focus on getting well. I've only had myself to worry about while getting sober, and I could barely manage it. You're way stronger than me & I commend you - be proud of yourselves. 
OMG everything's real
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: England
Posts: 4,020
Originally Posted by Impurrfect
Today, she's been home less than 24 hours, after spending days with her best friend (she's home schooled). She just woke me up, screaming, crying and cussing, because dad told her she couldn't do something. I reminded her I work nights, sleep days, but it didn't slow her down a bit.
I see a trip to Mexico in her future
Just kidding.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
My twins were premature and roughly the size of footballs once wrapped up, so I used to carry them one tucked under each arm!! And I thought those days were hard !!! ha, ha! Lucky I didn't know what I was in for!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Kaylee has actually been very sweet the last few day, none of the disrespect
Today she went to school early to decorate her basketball coach's white board in the class room where she teaches math.
Coach has the boy that Kaylee is asking to the seethearts dance in coaches math class during Kaylee's free hour.
Kaylee brought confetti, streamers and other fun stuff to make the board look cool...
Coach is going to act like she can't get the projector screen to raise, and ask for assistance from the kid Kaylee's asking. When he raises it he will have a big surprise as the confetti fall's, and he see's what she has written on the board asking him to the dance.
Next coach is going to tell him to go out into the hall where Kaylee will be standing with a heart shaped box of chocolates.
Oh to be 15 again...
Just wanted to share this...
Today she went to school early to decorate her basketball coach's white board in the class room where she teaches math.
Coach has the boy that Kaylee is asking to the seethearts dance in coaches math class during Kaylee's free hour.
Kaylee brought confetti, streamers and other fun stuff to make the board look cool...
Coach is going to act like she can't get the projector screen to raise, and ask for assistance from the kid Kaylee's asking. When he raises it he will have a big surprise as the confetti fall's, and he see's what she has written on the board asking him to the dance.
Next coach is going to tell him to go out into the hall where Kaylee will be standing with a heart shaped box of chocolates.
Oh to be 15 again...
Just wanted to share this...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Originally posted by lostbutterfly:
I refuse to bring my kids dirty laundry down out of their rooms... So until a couple weeks ago, it would be 8:00 p.m. and Kaylee would ask "mom... can you have this shirt washed and dried by tomorrow? At that point all the laundry would be done for the day and I would tell her absolutely not. She would proceed with a remark like " you never wash my clothes". She was right, if they were in her bedroom, unless the got up and walked down the stairs on their own. Or even less likely she brought them down on her own, 
they were not going to be washed.
Now if she needs a shirt, or jeans washed at 8:00 at night, she does it her self. So were making progress on this particular issue.
This sounds just like my daughter!! She has been trying so much harder lately to get her behaviour a bit more reasonable. No more tantrums about shirts not coming out the laundry instantaneously!!
they were not going to be washed.Now if she needs a shirt, or jeans washed at 8:00 at night, she does it her self. So were making progress on this particular issue.
I'm just a little unwell
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
I taught my son to do his own laundry when he was 10 and he's been on his own since then. Yes, I will HELP him if he has an issue or has to wash something he's never washed before, and yes I will do it for him if something odd comes up (he's sick, he's out of town, something unexpected comes up that interferes with his usual laundry day) - I am not mean and unreasonable. But I figured there was no reason NOT to teach him to do it himself and it was a good habit to get him into. Plus, now when he goes away to college, he'll already be used to doing his own laundry.
The LAST thing I wanted was for my boys to grow up with the typical "southern male mentality" that women are put on this earth to do everything for them. MY boys are going to be polite, respectful, and self-sufficient, darn it!! Well, at least I will be able to say I TAUGHT them to be those things. Whether or not they actually DO it is up to them, I suppose...
The LAST thing I wanted was for my boys to grow up with the typical "southern male mentality" that women are put on this earth to do everything for them. MY boys are going to be polite, respectful, and self-sufficient, darn it!! Well, at least I will be able to say I TAUGHT them to be those things. Whether or not they actually DO it is up to them, I suppose...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Well, Kaylee asked the boy she likes to the dance 2 days ago. He is already getting all clingy acting... PLEASE...Hopefully he's not going to be the jealous and controlling kind.
My first boyfriend was a senior when I was a sophmore. He always seemed to know what I was doing after he graduated, he brought a letter to my house each day that was atleast 5 pages long. He would secretly tell my parent's when I was out partying with my friends, so that they would ground me from everyone but him. Meanwhile everytime we were out he was giving me cocaine and high proof alcohol. Long after we had broken up he showed up at my college 5 hours away. Then believe it or not I ran into him while out to dinner with my family when I was pregnant with Cameron. He still had my picture in his wallet... He asked for my number so we could catch up, Then preceeded to call day and night until we had to change and unlist our phone number. I attracted crazy men throughout my entire life... more about that latter.
OMG - Why am I getting so worked up? I already have it in my head that this kid Kaylee likes is going to be a future stalker. Meanwhile I am pacing...
My first boyfriend was a senior when I was a sophmore. He always seemed to know what I was doing after he graduated, he brought a letter to my house each day that was atleast 5 pages long. He would secretly tell my parent's when I was out partying with my friends, so that they would ground me from everyone but him. Meanwhile everytime we were out he was giving me cocaine and high proof alcohol. Long after we had broken up he showed up at my college 5 hours away. Then believe it or not I ran into him while out to dinner with my family when I was pregnant with Cameron. He still had my picture in his wallet... He asked for my number so we could catch up, Then preceeded to call day and night until we had to change and unlist our phone number. I attracted crazy men throughout my entire life... more about that latter.
OMG - Why am I getting so worked up? I already have it in my head that this kid Kaylee likes is going to be a future stalker. Meanwhile I am pacing...
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hicktown, PA
Posts: 1,479
OMG Suze!!! We have a dance coming up at the end of February and my oldest son is getting stalked...again!!! I had to call the parents of two girls in his class and tell them to put their daughters in a cold shower!!! LOL Now, of course besides being a cute, nice guy (all mothers think that, right?) my son has 16 girls and 8 boys in his class, so the odds are rather in his favor, but really, these girls were calling my house at all hours,pesting him at school, pesting my niece who is in their class also about who my son is going to take to the dance (the answer, BTW, is NO ONE! He would rather go on his own, without the pressure of a date!), and having absolutely no respect for the fact that the girl my son took to the first dance of the school year (his first dance ever) passed away in her sleep a few months back, and the memories of his friendship with her are hitting my son hard right now. SHEESH!
Sorry, I'm venting, but I am all for staying on top of potential future stalkers!!! We are prolly making too much outta nothing, but it can't hurt to be cautious!!
Jomey
Sorry, I'm venting, but I am all for staying on top of potential future stalkers!!! We are prolly making too much outta nothing, but it can't hurt to be cautious!!
Jomey
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
I need some feedback on this please...
Ther has been an argument within my family for the last few months. My daughter plays competitive basketball in High School, she loves it and is working so hard that the coaches are moving her straight up to varsity next year (her sophmore year). She practice no less than 2 hours after school each day including Sat. On game days she is gone for 5 hour after school. She doesn't even get home until 9:00pm. She has never missed a practice or a game, she is dedicated.
Okay... here's where the problem is. One of my son's goes to school each day and that's it. He never has to study and still get's good grades. So after school all he has to do is his chore and the dishes on his dishes day. Next I have a son who is 18 and living at home who is only working 4 hours a day and did not get his butt back in school this semister. All he has to do is come home do his chore and the dishes on his day.
There will be night's when my daughter has nothing left to give of herself, she may be getting home at 9:00 and is still expected to do a chore and the dishes if it's her night. I will often times do the dishes that night or her chore and it makes my husband and son's so mad...
What do you think? Am I giving special treatment to my daughter in not always making her pull her load around home, or do I sound reasonable?
Ther has been an argument within my family for the last few months. My daughter plays competitive basketball in High School, she loves it and is working so hard that the coaches are moving her straight up to varsity next year (her sophmore year). She practice no less than 2 hours after school each day including Sat. On game days she is gone for 5 hour after school. She doesn't even get home until 9:00pm. She has never missed a practice or a game, she is dedicated.
Okay... here's where the problem is. One of my son's goes to school each day and that's it. He never has to study and still get's good grades. So after school all he has to do is his chore and the dishes on his dishes day. Next I have a son who is 18 and living at home who is only working 4 hours a day and did not get his butt back in school this semister. All he has to do is come home do his chore and the dishes on his day.
There will be night's when my daughter has nothing left to give of herself, she may be getting home at 9:00 and is still expected to do a chore and the dishes if it's her night. I will often times do the dishes that night or her chore and it makes my husband and son's so mad...
What do you think? Am I giving special treatment to my daughter in not always making her pull her load around home, or do I sound reasonable?
Too far from the beach
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 387
Originally Posted by Toomutch
I need some feedback on this please...
Ther has been an argument within my family for the last few months. My daughter plays competitive basketball in High School, she loves it and is working so hard that the coaches are moving her straight up to varsity next year (her sophmore year). She practice no less than 2 hours after school each day including Sat. On game days she is gone for 5 hour after school. She doesn't even get home until 9:00pm. She has never missed a practice or a game, she is dedicated.
Okay... here's where the problem is. One of my son's goes to school each day and that's it. He never has to study and still get's good grades. So after school all he has to do is his chore and the dishes on his dishes day. Next I have a son who is 18 and living at home who is only working 4 hours a day and did not get his butt back in school this semister. All he has to do is come home do his chore and the dishes on his day.
There will be night's when my daughter has nothing left to give of herself, she may be getting home at 9:00 and is still expected to do a chore and the dishes if it's her night. I will often times do the dishes that night or her chore and it makes my husband and son's so mad...
What do you think? Am I giving special treatment to my daughter in not always making her pull her load around home, or do I sound reasonable?
Ther has been an argument within my family for the last few months. My daughter plays competitive basketball in High School, she loves it and is working so hard that the coaches are moving her straight up to varsity next year (her sophmore year). She practice no less than 2 hours after school each day including Sat. On game days she is gone for 5 hour after school. She doesn't even get home until 9:00pm. She has never missed a practice or a game, she is dedicated.
Okay... here's where the problem is. One of my son's goes to school each day and that's it. He never has to study and still get's good grades. So after school all he has to do is his chore and the dishes on his dishes day. Next I have a son who is 18 and living at home who is only working 4 hours a day and did not get his butt back in school this semister. All he has to do is come home do his chore and the dishes on his day.
There will be night's when my daughter has nothing left to give of herself, she may be getting home at 9:00 and is still expected to do a chore and the dishes if it's her night. I will often times do the dishes that night or her chore and it makes my husband and son's so mad...
What do you think? Am I giving special treatment to my daughter in not always making her pull her load around home, or do I sound reasonable?
It sounds like she is a good kid and a hard worker. My son is the same, a national champion at his sport and I know he works so so hard to get where he is. Great grades and alot of focus. There are so many times that I don't even make him clean his room cause I know how hard he works and how exhausted he is after practice.
Just thank goodness she doen't sit on her butt all day and play those stupid video games. If the other kids feel its unfair, too bad. She could be a role model for the rest of them. She sounds like a winner to me.
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