HT3000

Day 2. So today was a really really nice day out and I spent as much of it outside as I could. I also talked over the phone with A Doctor. So now I am takin Benidrill...not a lot and its being regulated by my dad (seeing how hes my boss and is always around). I know the opiates are the ones I am most addicted too. As I keep getting the urge to get high. But have so far I am getting through. I have been working on my car lots to keep busy. I am happy I am finally doing this. Thank you all for you kind support and the topics around to read really helps too.


Thanks Much
HT

Anna

I'm glad you're having a good day and feeling positive.

Keep reading and posting.

KenL

HT,

What strikes me about your posts is that you are so honest. Without the honesty you'll have a really hard time getting clean. So, way to go on that front.

The part that concerns me is how you feel about yourself. You say you did it to yourself and that you hate yourself for it. Addiction is not something we choose to do.

We addicts have something wrong with our brains that makes us want to find alternative ways to feel good. In everyone's heads there is a thing called a dopamine reward system and it makes us feel good when it does what it should. But when it doesn't, then we come upon stuff like drugs and alcohol that gets the dopamine moving. We feel good and eventually get hooked. There are other neurotransmitters in addition to dopamine that do the same type of thing.

This is where addiction begins. Our brains are hard wired for it. There is no need to blame ourselves for our addiction. I see many other posts from people who will say the same thing you did. I feel bad for people who berate themselves for something that they did when they couldn't help it in the first place. Like I've said to others like you, and I wonder if other SRs are getting tired of me saying this, the answer lies in the knowledge of addiction. There are some really useful books that explain why people become addicted to drugs and alcohol.

So please stop blaming yourself, for your own sake. Leave that all behind. You're on a new journey that requires you to feel good about yourself. We will support you and it sounds like you have lots of support from your friends and family. You are not alone.

By the way, you can still go to college. You're getting clean and sober now. So maybe when you're ready you can begin planning on taking a class or two next fall.

HT3000

KenL- thanks for the info. I will keep it all in mind for future days. After this is all over and I think I can handle going to school I will. I just thought I would go to college a little earlier with all my friends. (not the ones who are on drugs)

Creekryder

Hang in there HT, the road is going to be tough, but if you take time to look at the scenery along the way, the journey will become a joy instead of a pain. There are a lot of people here to walk with you.

Live in the present, it's the only reality.

Padraic

heidicldwll

HT glad you found us. We are here to help and support you through this. Keep coming back, and take it one day at a time.

Heidi

lostbutterfly

Me too! Ecstacy (my love), speed, cannabis, alcohol and opiates (still struggling with that last one). And altho the physical withdrawals suck, the mental hold these things have on you is just so much stronger than I ever could have imagined.

Have you considered any NA meetings?

HT3000

Well I would but I am gonna try this first and if I relapse I will do it a different way, buutttt I am not gonna relapse. I think honesty will get me farther and it also helps to talk about it and not have to lie or hide something. Today was a great day! I was calm all day. I ate some real food for a change. (kinda wish I didn't). When I got home I couldn't help I got mad because I don't like what my sisters and brother are doing. but went down stairs and got online and now I am here. Again I thank you all for your kind support and will return the favor anytime.


HT

HT3000

I just went through hell. I just got so mad again and threw my computer keyboard and mouse and monitor...... I tried just to be quiet and chill. I punched a pillow and nothing. I still feel very upset. I cant cry My eyes burn. I am in a rut! Today was such a good day too. tomorrow is another day.

Matt- yeah i have had days like that but now I have no girlfriend. due to this issue.