My disease is not "cool" - Mom for xmas - Long Post
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Join Date: Oct 2008
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My disease is not "cool" - Mom for xmas - Long Post
I am a 51 yo recovering alcoholic addict. I completed an 8 week rehab after a rather sudden, then unexpected, dramatic and imposed intervention. It was, I am certain, God’s will. That was a little more than 3 months ago.
I am married to a wonderful non alcoholic wife and have four beautiful kids. My wife and I work together, live in the country and have a life that I am proud of. Boy Scouts, bicycling, skiing, church and community service. All in the same small Pennsylvania community for over two decades.
So why did I fall into alcoholism and addiction? Slow downward spirals that somehow just became sort of normal for me and my family... sleeping in the afternoons, drinking during nearly every activity, lots of short sudden trips to my closet for another pill and always the increasing isolation and unexplained moods. Why did I have to try and escape what should have been a life that so many dream of?
When did it start? Did it start when I was 12 years old? In 1969 - two years after the “Summer of Love”. My mom, then 29, and dad, then 34, embraced the counterculture. Peace marches at the university, civil rights demonstrations, swingers parties, good music and drugs and alcohol. We housed hippies from California in our garage at our small town midwestern home, on their way to Canada to avoid the draft, a speed freak who lived for a while in our back room because her drug addict boyfriend beat her, skinny dipping at the lake with my parents friends (grad students), that smell of pot rising up out of the living room to my bedroom accompanied by the music of Country Joe and the Fish coming from my father’s amazing Hi-Fi... “Give me an F ! Give me a U ! ....”
Did my disease start when I was 12, or maybe 13, when I was sitting in the living room with my parents and their cool friends, listening, for the very first time, to Carlos Santana play Oye Como Va? When my mom passed me the joint and told me how cool the music sounds, just like they are right there, in the living room! The music sounded cool, alright, everything was cool and everything stayed cool until 3 months ago. Now, thank God I am clean and sober and learning this new way of living, which can be hard and is, definitely, not always “cool”. Neither are the consequences of my disease, “cool”...
I am trying to accept my alcoholism and addiction. I am responsible for my recovery. No one is to blame, but I want so badly to understand it all....
My brother is in AA 24 years this month. My dad was 24 years in AA, since the divorce, until he died, suddenly, 10 years ago at age 63, I think, of a broken heart left over from when my mother left him. My mom has spent the last almost 30 years trying, seemingly, to get as far away from us as she could - California, Hawaii...
Now, in my early recovery, at Christmas, she wants to come and spend a couple of days with me and my family. Is this God’s will? What is the next right thing?
Mark
I am married to a wonderful non alcoholic wife and have four beautiful kids. My wife and I work together, live in the country and have a life that I am proud of. Boy Scouts, bicycling, skiing, church and community service. All in the same small Pennsylvania community for over two decades.
So why did I fall into alcoholism and addiction? Slow downward spirals that somehow just became sort of normal for me and my family... sleeping in the afternoons, drinking during nearly every activity, lots of short sudden trips to my closet for another pill and always the increasing isolation and unexplained moods. Why did I have to try and escape what should have been a life that so many dream of?
When did it start? Did it start when I was 12 years old? In 1969 - two years after the “Summer of Love”. My mom, then 29, and dad, then 34, embraced the counterculture. Peace marches at the university, civil rights demonstrations, swingers parties, good music and drugs and alcohol. We housed hippies from California in our garage at our small town midwestern home, on their way to Canada to avoid the draft, a speed freak who lived for a while in our back room because her drug addict boyfriend beat her, skinny dipping at the lake with my parents friends (grad students), that smell of pot rising up out of the living room to my bedroom accompanied by the music of Country Joe and the Fish coming from my father’s amazing Hi-Fi... “Give me an F ! Give me a U ! ....”
Did my disease start when I was 12, or maybe 13, when I was sitting in the living room with my parents and their cool friends, listening, for the very first time, to Carlos Santana play Oye Como Va? When my mom passed me the joint and told me how cool the music sounds, just like they are right there, in the living room! The music sounded cool, alright, everything was cool and everything stayed cool until 3 months ago. Now, thank God I am clean and sober and learning this new way of living, which can be hard and is, definitely, not always “cool”. Neither are the consequences of my disease, “cool”...
I am trying to accept my alcoholism and addiction. I am responsible for my recovery. No one is to blame, but I want so badly to understand it all....
My brother is in AA 24 years this month. My dad was 24 years in AA, since the divorce, until he died, suddenly, 10 years ago at age 63, I think, of a broken heart left over from when my mother left him. My mom has spent the last almost 30 years trying, seemingly, to get as far away from us as she could - California, Hawaii...
Now, in my early recovery, at Christmas, she wants to come and spend a couple of days with me and my family. Is this God’s will? What is the next right thing?
Mark
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
It could be the start of a healthier relationship with your mom, you won't know unless you try it. Not knowing the ins and outs of your relationship I can't venture a guess as to how it will go. It could be the next right thing, only you will know. I wish you well this season and am glad you're sober to enjoy it with a clear head and no regrets.
Moving out of Limbo
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Today
Posts: 343
I am new to recovery, and all I can do is share my own experience.
I never have had a close relationship with my dad. I always felt I failed him, as he always expected so much. When my mom remarried, I was in a new family, a new household. An new, alcoholic household filled with abuse.
My dad never knew about this. He is a good person, but has his defects like the rest of us. I have never communicated alot with him because I don't feel comfortable doing so. I can still remember him yelling at my mom, and I remember my parents telling me bad things about each other when I was kid, after the divorce. I have some resentments to work through, but it will take time, because they are still buried in my soul.
I still see him occasionally, but right now I am not ready to see him alot. I am taking care of me. I will know when I am ready.
Good luck, and take care of yourself.
Much love to you.
I never have had a close relationship with my dad. I always felt I failed him, as he always expected so much. When my mom remarried, I was in a new family, a new household. An new, alcoholic household filled with abuse.
My dad never knew about this. He is a good person, but has his defects like the rest of us. I have never communicated alot with him because I don't feel comfortable doing so. I can still remember him yelling at my mom, and I remember my parents telling me bad things about each other when I was kid, after the divorce. I have some resentments to work through, but it will take time, because they are still buried in my soul.
I still see him occasionally, but right now I am not ready to see him alot. I am taking care of me. I will know when I am ready.
Good luck, and take care of yourself.
Much love to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
I have had intermittent occasional contact with her through the years. A visit here and there. I always anesthetized myself and white knuckled it through any and all contact.
But now, no chemical help. Clean and sober and fully equipped with all my emotions !!! I really don't want to talk about the last several months, my recovery or the past with her. Certainly not now, it's too early. I may never want to talk with her about those things.
But, this is why I need to keep working the steps. I know I have some amends to make. I have so much resentment over so many things she has done over my distant and not so distant past that I fear talking about it may result in me scorching the earth. Maybe someday I won't be afraid to go there, and will do so safely.
The next right thing is to have her visit, see her son, daughter in law (who, BTW, has absolutely no desire whatsoever to have her visit but wouldn't dream of not having her...) and four of her six grandchildren.
Her parents were active alcoholics when they were alive...
Mark
But now, no chemical help. Clean and sober and fully equipped with all my emotions !!! I really don't want to talk about the last several months, my recovery or the past with her. Certainly not now, it's too early. I may never want to talk with her about those things.
But, this is why I need to keep working the steps. I know I have some amends to make. I have so much resentment over so many things she has done over my distant and not so distant past that I fear talking about it may result in me scorching the earth. Maybe someday I won't be afraid to go there, and will do so safely.
The next right thing is to have her visit, see her son, daughter in law (who, BTW, has absolutely no desire whatsoever to have her visit but wouldn't dream of not having her...) and four of her six grandchildren.
Her parents were active alcoholics when they were alive...
Mark
Moving out of Limbo
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Today
Posts: 343
I know the right thing for me is to not force anything. My dad certainly doesn't make me feel any certain way, I do. And now I am coming to terms that its ok to feel that way. I would rather see my dad more often because I want to.
I hope you get your feelings sorted out when you are ready.
I hope you get your feelings sorted out when you are ready.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
Well, Mark, I have what some consider a cold regard towards some "accidental" connections such as birth. I have chosen to be a part of my parents' lives (my father has since died), though I have chosen to distance myself from my six siblings for the most part. I can't really say that what I feel for (some of) them is love. It's not resentment, and even those for whom I really have no feeling at all, I don't wish them ill. I just don't think that because we share a parent (I have no "full" brothers and sisters) that I should feel obligated to invite their chaos into my family.
What do you feel for your mother? Obligation or love? You don't say if she's still actively in the life. What habits of hers do you want her to leave behind in California or Hawaii? Regardless of whether you feel you owe her an amends, you and your wife do have every right to set boundaries and ground rules for your home, and those things should be stated before she comes, if you choose to include her, rather than hoping for unspoken compliance. If something that she does threatens your sobriety, why not tell her that and ask if she can refrain while she's with you?
Peace & Love,
Sugah
What do you feel for your mother? Obligation or love? You don't say if she's still actively in the life. What habits of hers do you want her to leave behind in California or Hawaii? Regardless of whether you feel you owe her an amends, you and your wife do have every right to set boundaries and ground rules for your home, and those things should be stated before she comes, if you choose to include her, rather than hoping for unspoken compliance. If something that she does threatens your sobriety, why not tell her that and ask if she can refrain while she's with you?
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
Hi,
I'm glad you're doing well.
One big thing I had to learn in early recovery was how to say 'No'. If you want to see your mother, and the time is right, then go for it. If it makes you uncomfortable or you don't want to, then, think it over. You're right about making amends. Forgiveness is really hard and it's something you should do for yourself. I have found that forgiveness doesn't always come in one swoop. For me, it's been a little at a time, getting better over time.
I'm glad you're doing well.
One big thing I had to learn in early recovery was how to say 'No'. If you want to see your mother, and the time is right, then go for it. If it makes you uncomfortable or you don't want to, then, think it over. You're right about making amends. Forgiveness is really hard and it's something you should do for yourself. I have found that forgiveness doesn't always come in one swoop. For me, it's been a little at a time, getting better over time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Hi Mark
My opionion is that you must do what is right for you. I havent seen or spoke to my Dad for 7 years and only been sober 9 weeks. I'm thinking of ringing him this xmas more for me than him, I recently got in touch with my brother whi i had not spoke to for 3 year and now he is on facebook as a friend but when i spoke to him we had nothing in common. My mum i speak to every so often but to be honest at this early stage of my sobriety i feel it is none of their business so i am not talking to them about it, it's my small victory and my daily challenge and i don't want anyone to belittle that in anyway or put myself in a position to take some dumb ass comment from a family member that may hurt me.
I come from a long line of alchies on my dad's side, it's difficult and i hope you make the decision for you that has the best outcome for you and your family.
I feel obligated to make contact and if you could see my face whilst i am writing this i must look like i am sucking a lemon at the prospect, if i thought this would hurt me though i wouldnt ring him but it isn't worth hanging onto the resentment for me and i am going to contact him for my own selfish reasons...i don't see a oprah moment in the near future is what im saying lol
can't even make my own mind up really so good luck with making up yours:-)
My opionion is that you must do what is right for you. I havent seen or spoke to my Dad for 7 years and only been sober 9 weeks. I'm thinking of ringing him this xmas more for me than him, I recently got in touch with my brother whi i had not spoke to for 3 year and now he is on facebook as a friend but when i spoke to him we had nothing in common. My mum i speak to every so often but to be honest at this early stage of my sobriety i feel it is none of their business so i am not talking to them about it, it's my small victory and my daily challenge and i don't want anyone to belittle that in anyway or put myself in a position to take some dumb ass comment from a family member that may hurt me.
I come from a long line of alchies on my dad's side, it's difficult and i hope you make the decision for you that has the best outcome for you and your family.
I feel obligated to make contact and if you could see my face whilst i am writing this i must look like i am sucking a lemon at the prospect, if i thought this would hurt me though i wouldnt ring him but it isn't worth hanging onto the resentment for me and i am going to contact him for my own selfish reasons...i don't see a oprah moment in the near future is what im saying lol
can't even make my own mind up really so good luck with making up yours:-)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
cubile, your question is one thing for shure...
its not your will...
and that a baby step towards spiriual growth...
the next right thing?
pray on it, and be honest...
the next right things are found in our soul...
Is this God’s will? What is the next right thing?
its not your will...
and that a baby step towards spiriual growth...
the next right thing?
pray on it, and be honest...
the next right things are found in our soul...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
Is your mom still someone who smokes pot or uses other substances? I think I would lay some ground rules down in advance that there is to be no drinking, smoking etc. while visiting. May clear the situation for you. Then again maybe not.
I'm sorry I don't have any good advice. I have a similar situation with my dad. He is very much an alcoholic, something I didn't know until I had grown up to be just like him. Wasn't because of his influence because he was never around. But now that I'm 4 years sober and he's still drinking it makes it even more uncomfortable. I make the obligatory phone calls around the holidays and try to do it early to catch him sober so he might remember it and I don't get so upset. That's about all I can do.
For your mom, do what is right for you and your family right now and if she comes and you feel there is a reason to believe she is going to bring stuff with her that is a trigger to you inform her straight up that it's not allowed. If she does it anyway, ask her nicely to dispose of it or leave.
I hope this helps in some small way.
Kellye
I'm sorry I don't have any good advice. I have a similar situation with my dad. He is very much an alcoholic, something I didn't know until I had grown up to be just like him. Wasn't because of his influence because he was never around. But now that I'm 4 years sober and he's still drinking it makes it even more uncomfortable. I make the obligatory phone calls around the holidays and try to do it early to catch him sober so he might remember it and I don't get so upset. That's about all I can do.
For your mom, do what is right for you and your family right now and if she comes and you feel there is a reason to believe she is going to bring stuff with her that is a trigger to you inform her straight up that it's not allowed. If she does it anyway, ask her nicely to dispose of it or leave.
I hope this helps in some small way.
Kellye
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Thanks to all of you for your heartfelt and sincere posts.
She won't bring anything that would threaten my sobriety, she knows better. Though a part of me wants to have a big bottle of gin around so she'll just go off to bed early...LOL
I feel obligated to have her visit, but the obligatory feelings I have are as much for my kids as for her... And I am sucking on a lemon myself
...
I wrote to her while I was in rehab, just so I would be the one to give her the news. But, I really didn't talk about my feelings, and I am most certainly not ready to over the holidays. I don't trust her with them yet, I may never...
Forgiveness will come... I have not been able to find that in my heart for years, but the life altering events of the last 3 months, my new way of thinking and the need to forgive myself may lead to my forgiving her. I don't know how to love her but maybe I'll find a way to in the future, hopefully before one of us dies...
There will be no Oprah moments, I am not ready, she may not be either.
I have prayed on it, I am hopeful that I will see God's will for me and that I may do the next right thing.
Really, All of you that responded, you've given me much to think about and your insight has made a real difference - Thanx...
:ghug2
Mark
She won't bring anything that would threaten my sobriety, she knows better. Though a part of me wants to have a big bottle of gin around so she'll just go off to bed early...LOL
I feel obligated to have her visit, but the obligatory feelings I have are as much for my kids as for her... And I am sucking on a lemon myself
...I wrote to her while I was in rehab, just so I would be the one to give her the news. But, I really didn't talk about my feelings, and I am most certainly not ready to over the holidays. I don't trust her with them yet, I may never...
Forgiveness will come... I have not been able to find that in my heart for years, but the life altering events of the last 3 months, my new way of thinking and the need to forgive myself may lead to my forgiving her. I don't know how to love her but maybe I'll find a way to in the future, hopefully before one of us dies...
There will be no Oprah moments, I am not ready, she may not be either.
I have prayed on it, I am hopeful that I will see God's will for me and that I may do the next right thing.
Really, All of you that responded, you've given me much to think about and your insight has made a real difference - Thanx...
:ghug2
Mark
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