TryingSoHard

I leave on Thursday morning. I'm going to New York for 4 1/2 days with my mom. It will be just the two of us (which is a challenge in itself, but a different story!). She doesn't know about my drinking problem, and she also doesn't know that I have quit. We don't live near each other so we see each other once a year at best. This will be the longest amount of time we've spent around each other in at least 5 years.

I am worried about whether or not I will be able to resist the temptation to drink while I'm on this trip. Mostly because she doesn't know I've quit. I can already hear part of me rationalizing it: she doesn't know I have a problem and have quit, so if I have a drink with her it will not seem weird at all, and no one else will ever have to know! I'll be on vacation. No kids, no husband, no real life obligations or responsibilities... a drinker's paradise!

Part of me really views this as a "good opportunity" to test the waters now that I have 62 days sober, to see if it would be any different if I tried drinking again. And if nothing's different, then at least I wouldn't be exposing my husband and kids to it - they'd never even have to know!

God how sick is that? I'm disgusted with myself for even typing it.

But that's what part of me is thinking.

The other part of me thinks why ruin a good thing? I don't want to start all over. I don't want to come home and have to tell my husband that I drank in NYC, and I don't want to lie and not tell him. I've lied to him enough already about alcohol. And what if I have a few drinks in NYC and come home and the cravings kick back in again? Do I want to go back to hiding vodka bottles and sneaking drinks? NO, I MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT. So why push it?

Why can't I just NOT DRINK and be happy??

Dee74

Tell yr mom TSH. Tell her before the trip.
We'll take any escape clause we can get.

Why can't you just NOT DRINK and be happy??

You drank for years right? You haven't drunk for 62 days (congrats btw! )
It takes time to leave the old life and the old you behind...its hard to 'hurry up and wait'...but you're doing well.

Don't jump ship now, 'k?

and have a good trip!
D

TryingSoHard

Gawd, to be honest I can't imagine telling her. We just don't have that kind of relationship. It's difficult to explain. I'm not trying to use that as an excuse for anything - I seriously mean I can not imagine telling her. I don't tell her much about my life. I love her as my mom, and I respect what she went through as a parent and a woman while I was growing up, but I do not like her as a person and I do not consider her a friend. I can not lean on her or look to her for guidance and support. Sad, but true.

I don't wanna jump ship now, I really don't. But I'd be lying to myself if I didn't admit that the thought hasn't crossed my mind. 'Tis why I posted here... Trying to be proactive! LOL

Eclipse

You know what the answer is! I am so proud of you for 62 days!!! OMG!! That is amazing, it just shows how strong you are. Remember how good you feel now and why would you mess with that!!! BE STRONG and have a great time!

TryingSoHard

And man, did you hit the nail on the head. The 'hurry up and wait' game SUCKS.

hollyce

TryingSoHard-

I totally know how you feel. My brain tries to rationalize when a "good" time to have a drink will be. I have to force myself to go through the list of what happens after the first drink. Eventually the story ends with feeling depressed and trapped and lonely and awful. I imagine getting into a fight with my fiance and him saying something like, "give you a little booze and you're a mess". That's enough to keep me sober!


YOU can pass on the booze! Go through your list of what might happen after you start drinking, and end your imagined story with a hangover... LOL
I know you can stay sober. You'll be happier if you don't have to start counting your sober days over at day 1.
Good Luck.
Hollyce

Anna

Hi Trying,

I don't think you should push yourself to tell your mom about your addiction, if you don't want to. There's no need to add extra stress to your life, and I completely understand your relationship with your mom.

You're doing the right thing by posting about your concern and thinking thrings through and what it would feel like to lie to your husband. That's really going to help you to get through this.

Enjoy your trip!

Dee74

it does...yep.

I'll be honest back TSH - spending 4 days with someone who didn't know I was an alkie, and who I didn't feel I could tell, would be hell for me. I'd obsess.

I need to let ppl know I'm not drinking anymore.

If I felt that coming out as an alcoholic wasn't appropriate, I'd be using the old antibiotics standby or something...and telling her as soon as possible throwing it in casually to her beforehand. Close all escape routes.

You owe it to yourself and your family to stay sober. Be upfront about it if you can...if you can't, well...lie. LOL

D

TryingSoHard

At this point, I am still terrified at the thought of telling *anyone*. Only two people in my life know that I have a problem and that I've quit. And I don't discuss it with either one of them. Considering those two people are my husband and my best friend, it kind of sucks that I don't/can't talk to them about it. I'm working on being able to talk to my husband about it, but that's a different topic.

Yes, it's very weird and awkward for me to be around people who don't know I've quit drinking. It's not really been a big issue yet, but I know it will be. Maybe this week on this trip, maybe not. But sooner or later, it will come up and I have no idea what I will say.

My kids don't even know.

I'm still very ashamed of myself, and embarrassed.

Dee74

I do get that.
I drank past the point of being a secret drinker, so it didn't apply to me - everyone knew anyway - but I do get that.

Just stay focused. You're doing this for you, and by extension, your family. You can be anywhere, do anything, and remain sober - so long as you want to....and I think you want to

D

Dixie24

I agree Dee, I use other excuses for not drinking, like a new diet. Maybe it would help to think about all of the things that you can do in NYC that don't involve drinking. Visiting St. Patrick's Cathedral, museums etc. There are just so many ways to quench your thirst spiritually and emotionally. You have done so well so far...

Horselover

I did a trip back with my in laws and my Dad and his wife. I didn't come out and say I was an alcoholic (until recently, with my Dad), but did let them know they didn't need to buy alcohol for me because I had given it up. Trying to be healthier for my family, I said. I felt like I HAD to stomp out the temptation before I got there because I am very uncomfortable around my in laws and they have wine every night. A glass would be poured for me and it would be more awkward trying to come up with an off the cuff comment in the moment versus in advance.

Just try to plan on how to avoid turning to that old crutch and maybe have a plan on how to provide relaxation while you're there and dealing with an uncomfortable situation. You can do it. You proved you could do it by having so much sober time already. Just plan, plan, plan and not on a relapse, but on a victory. :ghug3

TTOSBT

Hey there honey!

While I do think that having reservations is dangerous, and the best idea would be to tell your Mom I understand why you can't. I was a closet drinker as well. I had SO much shame and guilt that I would still cringe and stop breathing when my husband brought it up but I did start to tell people a couple of months ago. It does not concern me so much who knows anymore. Though I must say that I my 8 year old knows that I do not drink but I have never said the word alcoholic around her. She has a mouth and that is all I need to be going around the school, lol.

Too bad you can't get your hands on some antabuse. That would keep you from drinking!

Since you are starting to be able to talk to your husband about it I might suggest that you share with him your concerns and ask him if he would mind calling you every night and asking you if you have had a drink. Then you will know that he will be calling to ask and it might keep you from caving. I suggest this because my husband went out of town on business when I had around 90 days and after I dropped him off at the airport I thought, I can drink and he would never know. I could hide it from the kids, etc. So I called and told him my fear and asked him to check up on me. It helped and it brought us closer because it was the first time that I had asked for his help with my recovery.

You are doing great! Don't stop now! :ghug

lovinmenow

I was a closet drinker for a long time and when I finally hit bottom my husband finally knew how bad it was. I realized how important it was to come out of the closet. My family knows. Now when I go to family get togethers there is no way in hell I will drink in front of them since they KNOW! The best thing I ever did was tell my husband and also tell him all my favorite hiding places for bottles and I told him under what circumstances I drank,..all my habits to be on the look out for. Now I can't get away with anything. Isn't that great?

The more people that know, the more you will be held accountable for your actions. Do it soon.

sicilia1414

hello trying so hard,

I want you to know how awesome that is that you are 62 days sober..you don't sound too proud of yourself! goodness, i can't remember when i went a week without drinking...

i know this is my first day on here and i probably shouldn't be giving out advise, but i wouldn't worry too much about telling your mom. I have tried telling a few of my close friends and i am realizing that some people just cannot grasp the concept how how we can't just stop.

i wish you the best of luck, please contine to let me know how you are doing, you give me hope!

TryingSoHard

TTOSBT - my hubby was recently out of town for about 5 days and that was my first real test. Previously, that would have been HEAVEN to me! No one to hide it from! Sure, the kids were still here, but hiding it from them is much easier than hiding it from him (and they go to bed earlier). I admit that I searched the house for something to drink that wouldn't be noticed if it disappeared, but 1) there was nothing that wouldn't be missed and 2) I didn't consider going to the liquor store, either to buy my own stash OR to replace something I might drink. That in itself is progress to me! LOL

God I'm pathetic. At least I'm trying not to be anymore.

Ya know, the more I think back on how things were and the more I sit here and type responses to y'all, the more I realize I really and truly have NO desire to drink on this upcoming trip. I do not want to open that Pandora's Box. I want to stay on the sober path I'm on, even if I'm not where I want to be just yet. It's still better than where I have been.

Thank you, each and every one of you.

TryingSoHard

And thank you, sicilia. I guess I don't sound too proud of myself yet because I don't FEEL too proud of myself yet! I'm not drinking, but I'm not in an active state of recovery, either. I wrote a thread a few days ago called Dialogue With Myself (I think it's a few pages back now) and it really made me feel better to hear that lots of other people here have the same conversations with themselves! I swear I feel like I'm the only one sometimes. It helps so much just to know we're not alone in this.

63 days ago I wouldn't have believed you if you told me I'd be 62 days sober today. I'm glad I am, though.

TTOSBT

You go girl!
Yeah for me, I am scared that if I were to even have one drink I would be right back out there. THAT scares the hell out of me!! No way do I want to be back there ever again!

coffeenut

You're going to be okay, really you are. You've got a good base.

FWIW, I'd tell your mom. You don't need to tell her you are alcoholic, just that you don't drink. Other people don't care half as much, as you think they are going to.

2 weeks into my sobriety I had to spend a week in a house with an Aunt who drank EVERY DAY. I didn't. Made me stronger, too. Often times I remember how much strength I gained from that. At the time I did NOT think that, though!

You're okay. The stress of being with your mom (whom you haven't seen for awhile) is getting to you! Take good care. Stay in the moment. Don't drink for THAT moment, because if you do, YOU will know. And you really are the most important one, you know.

TryingSoHard

Thanks, coffee.

I think I AM going to tell my mom I've quit drinking. I can always say that I just don't want to do it anymore, and don't need the extra calories/health risks. I've lost 40 pounds in the past year and a half and breast cancer runs in my family, and she's a nurse so she understands all that stuff. It would at least make sense to her and be an "acceptable" reason.