AWdesign

TSH, I truly believe that you and your son would benefit from a discussion about your addiction. I can't (yet) relate to having a 14 year old, my son is 16 months. I DO KNOW that when he is old enough to understand I will talk to him about my addiction to alcohol and drugs and give him as much of my experience as necessary to hopefully teach him to make better decision than I did. If he chooses to go the same route, I will make sure he know that there is help and a better life waiting for him. Thank you for your post and I hope that everything turns out great and beneficial for everyone involved.

Jersey Nonny

At age 77, there's very little that surprises me anymore...least of all what is available on the internet under the label "Adults Only". I had heard of the Kama Sutra, but never saw it until I got a computer and satisfied my curiosity. Whoah!!! Let's face it...the kids today are exposed to much more than you and I were.

Maybe the reason I don't surprise easily is because I have three adult children who tested the waters early and long...two sons started drinking at ages 10 and 11 (they're a year apart and did everything together; daughter started a 20-year pot addiction at the age of 12. One son and my daughter are in recovery...the other, not so much.

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My baby thinks he is addicted to internet porn.

I realize we tend to think of them that way, no matter how old they are...but, he's definitely not a baby...he's at a very difficult time in his life...neither a baby, nor an adult. His body is going through a lot of changes which naturally arouses his curiosity (among other things). Having raised a younger brother and two sons, I would bet anything he's spending a lot of "solitary time" locked in the bathroom. I think it's much easier to raise girls than boys.

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Talk about changing everything.

Nothing has changed...you're still in recovery, and he's still going through puberty, which fortunately doesn't last forever. My suggestion would be that you share the fact of your recovery, and find out with professional help whether or not this preoccupation with internet porn is an addiction or a phase. Above all...don't panic!!!

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I've always wanted my baby to be like me in a lot of respects. I NEVER thought he'd be like me in this respect.

And, why not? At least he's fortunate to have a mother in recovery with whom he is able to discuss such a sensitive topic. My own mother could never, ever discuss sexuality with me or my siblings. Whatever I learned was from books, my peers, or my first marriage (at 19).

I'm sure your son has many of your good traits. After all, my own children are attractive, intelligent, creative, artistic...just like their father and me.

This, too, shall pass...TSH...This, too, shall pass.

Eclipse

Hi my friend,

I am so sorry what you are going through...like life isn't hard enough!

But it is amazing what kids can get onto on the internet these days. Youtube has horrible stuff on it and I saw something that said you have to be 18, click here and I did and whatever the crap was popped right up...what I was looking at had nothing to do with sex....but there were lots of links that hooked you right up to bad stuff....

Please hang in there and be straight with him and just be honest. They appreciate that and need it.

Big hugs!

hllblnc

Hi TSH, I hope that everything works out for your son. I think that you're doing a great job as a mother, much more involved and alert than most parents are. As far as letting your son know about your own struggles, that's up to you, but like other people in this thread have said, it might help you and it might be easier for him to talk to you if he can relate, then again he might use it against you.

I myself have a pornography addiction, but mine started later than your son's. I'd say I was about 18 when I was fully engrossed probably because I didn't have unsupervised internet access until I was at that age. I'm only getting help now, I'm 31 and I did an assessment with a counselor last week and I'm supposed to start treatment soon.

You mentioned something about going to a counselor:

But yes, I've already picked out a counselor and will not hesitate to make an appointment for him if that's what's in his best interests.[/QUOTE]

I strongly suggest you go that route, fix the problem now, later he'll be more entrenched in his ways and the problem will be more difficult to get rid of.

I sincerely hope that everything works out the best for you two in your struggles with addiction.

nickishine

TSH,
My prayers are with you! My 20 year old had come home in August after being in rehab (men only) for 6 months. Upon his return I noticed that my computer began acting strange, and pop-ups and email solictation for porn sites were daily. After questioning him, he fessed-up immediately. Thank God!! It seemed to stop, and I more or less just swept in under the carpet. I don't know where he's at with it now since he moved out in November.

We don't want to see our children suffer as we have suffered with anything unhealthy in their lives. I beg of you to get help for him in this situation as it's something that is killing him in a different way than our disease does us, but none-the-less is an all consuming addiction.

My prayers are with you, your son and for all of us with children suffering with addictions!

Love to you, Nicki :praying

AnthonyV

I would have serious reservations about sending a 14 year old boy to a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting. The likely-hood of there being predators in such a meeting are probably fairly high.

I'm sorry to hear about your frustrating situation with your child, find a good adolescent therapist to help him hash this out. At 14, every young man has a torrent of hormones playing with their brain and sex is constantly on the mind, a good therapist can help him deal with those new and emerging feelings.

JBones77

At 14 I'm sure he's going through puberty big time. If I had access to the internet at 14 I would probably have found every way around any filters also. I would have been pretty embarrassed to "get caught" and have to talk about it. Is it possible that this could just be the natural curiosity of raging hormones and the addiction suggestion is based on his embarrassment of "getting caught" and not having an answer to give.

TryingSoHard

JBones, I am starting to think that's what it is. We made some very drastic changes to our computer situation after that discovery (it's been a couple months ago now) and have been very diligent in enforcing any and all computer-related rules with him. His mood has improved greatly, he interacts with the family more and in better ways, and overall just seems like a more relaxed version of himself.

I have not explored the counseling option yet (but neither have I ruled it out). I also have not shared my alcohol problems with him, and am unsure if and when I might do that.

I want to discuss this all again with him since it's been a while and *I* am perceiving things to be better but I'm not sure how *he* perceives things. I just don't know how to bring it up out of the blue - I realize that it is very embarrassing and awkward for him. I just want him to know that I am here for him and he can discuss anything, anytime with me, and I will support him however I can. And if he has problems that are too big for me, I will help him however I can - including finding him a counselor.

But I really have been thinking lately that it's probably just normal teenage boy stuff and it's compounded by the internet. He no longer has the freedom and privacy with the computer that he used to have and it doesn't seem to be harming him in the slightest, so I take that as a good sign.

Thanks, y'all.

JBones77

I just threw it out there as a suggestion. I don't want to make light of it because I can understand why you wouldn't want him to view that material.

But, I was after all, once a 14 year old boy and if I could have gained access to material like that I would have tried to view it. Breaking my Mom's rule or disobeying my parents wouldn't have entered into it much if I thought I'd be able to get away with it. When I was 14 it was my friend bring a dirty magazine to school or sneaking some of his Dad's VHS tapes.

If I got caught I wouldn't want to explain to my Mom about "why I was looking at it"
Going through puberty is crazy for boys. It's non stop "down there". He'll likely be spending a lot of time in the bathroom and in his bedroom with the door closed. Becoming a man isn't pretty

Just my thoughts with the limited info, not as a parent, but as a former 14 year old boy...
Keep the computer in a "family room"....make sure he learns about sex from a healthy source. My parents gave me a good book to read when I was that age. I can't remember the title...but something simple like "My body - book for boys" and it explained all the changes I'd be going through and explained sex. There's lots of books out there like that.

If he's not overly obsessed with it...if it's not consuming most of his free time...it's likely nothing to worry about and perfectly normal that he'd be curious to see what it's all about. Good luck.

Mark75

You did the right thing by making the computer not so private. We have 4 kids and for some time we had just ONE computer for all of them, and myself. (The college kids have laptops now.). That one computer is in the family room, the monitor faces the entrance to that room.

We respect their privacy, but they know at anytime we can walk in. What is interesting is the testing of boundaries that takes place... Like just how edgy can they get with YouTube?, for example, without us complaining. Sometimes everybody surprises each other and it becomes a group experience.

Glad it's working out. That was a couple of months ago and I had forgotten about your post.

Mark

TryingSoHard

JBones and Cubile - yeah, I think that it's a combination of raging hormones and access to porn that we just didn't have when we were 14. I mean, when I was growing up, kids were lucky to snag their dad's Playboy, and if you got your hands on a Hustler or Penthouse you'd hit the REALLY nasty stuff! These days the SI Swimsuit Edition is pretty much Playboy material, and a very quick and not-too-specific Google search will SHOCK you.

It's amazing just how much INCREDIBLY explicit stuff is so EASILY accessed.

I had his computer totally bogged down with filters, passwords, time limits, all that stuff. But where there's a will there's a way, especially when no one's standing over your shoulder watching you. But now we ARE standing over his shoulder watching him, and we have software that logs every single site he visits - or ATTEMPTS to visit - so we know not only what he's looking at but what he is TRYING to look at. And he's well aware that we can and do check up on him, so there's no privacy argument.

YouTube definitely tests the boundaries. But with the computer being in such a public place now even that's not been too much of an issue.

I gotta say, I'm not a huge Vista fan because of compatibility issues, but I've gotta brag about the built-in parental controls. BIG improvement over XP.

And like I mentioned - he doesn't seem distracted or withdrawn or preoccupied at all. His grades are good, he socializes just like he always has, and his interaction with the rest of the family has pretty dramatically improved since we implemented all these changes. This combination of factors leads me to believe that he really was just testing his boundaries while exploring his curiosity. It just freaked me out a bit when I saw exactly how curious he was...

I'm going to try to find the positive in this and use it as a learning experience! After all, I've got another son who'll probably be in the same spot in about 8 years... *cringe*

JBones77

Yes, we're all curious at that age.

I didn't realize that your original post was over 2 months ago. Well I'm glad everything seems to be normal.

I like your signature BTW...it rings very true for me. Over the past few years I think I've become an expert in "me" and the things I need to do with my life. But inaction has resulted in nothing much being accomplished. Now it's time to apply those things.

Fubarcdn

I agree with Jbones that is most probably a part of going up but you better give me the name of those sites to make sure. Just kidding.
On a more serious note by admitting your affliction to your son you will be strengthening your commitment to resolve it. Keep that in mind when you ponder that course of action.

ashamedagain

Perhaps you should set your computer filters to keep those sites from being accessed. After you have worked through this you could slowly lift the restrictions. I don't believe in prying too hard into my childs life but we have talked about this and I occasionally check the history of his computer but I will not purchase software to spy on him and I don't check his myspace page. Part of parenting is allowing a child choices. I think a moderate approach is more effective at building trust. His admission to you is a good first step and I think you are taking the right path but you should be honest with you children. They are smarter than we give them credit for. And It is possible to accidentally go to a site that would make the account holder criminally liable.

TryingSoHard

Computer filters WERE set. They didn't work, or he found a way around them.

And he doesn't have a MySpace page, but if he did, you can bet your bottom dollar I'd be checking it. Regularly.