TryingSoHard

Thanks, least, I will go check that out and read about it. Physically, I've been feeling pretty good. My Diet Coke Addiction has gotten WAY out of hand, so caffeine is keeping me up at night... but other than that, I'm physically doing pretty well. My emotions are definitely all over the place, though... especially today.

I have a general lack of motivation going on, and I'm 100% sure that's related to the depression factor. It was one thing to lay in bed half the day because I was hungover/still drunk and wishing for a quick death... but lately I lay in bed half the day because I just don't feel like getting up! The stupid cold weather that's about to move in isn't going to help that, either.

I just need to get my head right... sigh.
Hugs backatcha, babe.

Jersey Nonny

I'm sure you will. One of the men in my home group was asked how he managed to stay sober for X number of years (it was a lot). He said, "Don't drink, make meetings, and don't die."

TryingSoHard

LOL! That's a great answer!

CarolD

I've been wondering how you were doing...

Let me remind you of PAWS....some of those elements
might be in place for you

Post Acute Withdrawl - Relapse Prevention Specialists - TLC The Living Center

I can absolutely tell you that by 2 months of AA
I was back in balance ...mentally and physically.
No more depression or PAWs or doubts that
I was chooseing to live sober.

Thanks for checking in...Yes! recovery is possible

SelfSeeking

Glad to see you're posting, TSH

Without opening the aa can o' worms, I just wanted to encourage you to keep going purely for the social aspect since that has been helpful, so you can physically see that you are NOT the only one fighting this fight. I went for a good bit with that being the only aspect of aa I participated in. It was no one's business but mine why I was there, you know?

38 days- or 39 now?? 8

TryingSoHard

November 7 is officially history, so Day 38 is in the books and Day 39 has begun.

I hear ya, sister. That was part of why I liked the meetings so much... the people were great, they really were. Unconditional acceptance, without a doubt! Pretty much instantaneously, too.

I actually think about some of the people I met there almost daily. Part of me is a little bit scared/ashamed to go back now. I went almost daily for a couple of weeks, and then I just STOPPED. Deep down, though, I know they'd welcome me back with open arms in a heartbeat.

SelfSeeking

The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking. It's in the allmighty bb

You're right, they would welcome you back. The fear and shame part, that's that alcoholic mindset... we get so lost in fear and shame, at least I do, when I'm left to stew (or choose to isolate, more like). One of those cutesy AA sayings is that "my mind is like a bad neighborhood at night, you don't wanna be in there alone!" or something along those lines. Meetings get me outside of myself in a way that being with regular people doesn't. Probably because AA's KNOW what kinds of things are running through my head, as the same thoughts are going, or have gone, through theirs!

bruce24

Hey Tryingsohard,

I can relate to all your emotions I am currently experiencing the same things right now. Its so hard because you feel like you are doing so great yet you always have that little voice in your head telling you everything you don't want to hear. I think alot of it comes back to years of abuse and retraining the brain to disassociate situations and emotions with drinking/drug abuse.

Life is too short for this crap. We all deserve better and a happier sober life. Just gotta keep working at it making positive changes and taking baby steps. These things won't change over night (On day 120something and still trying to get past these feelings).

Keep your chin up and be proud of how far you've come and embrace the challenges you still have ahead.

Bruce

newey

I understand exactly what you mean. Because I tried and did just that. Now I'm glad that I won't be a person that just stopped drinking. By participating in an active recovery process, I am becoming a better, stronger and healthy woman. How much more my life will be as a result instead of just stopping a symptom (drinking).
Newey (Marie)

LouLou629

Hi TSH Really hope that today you feel better..I can really relate to your feelings...I dont have alot of wisdom to offer, mostly empathy and understanding..I am only on three months..I am really proud dont get me wrong and it seems like 38 days was just yesterday However, I keep wanting to rush this whole experience and just be better..I associate a lapse of great time with a new and totally improved me and life , but logically I know thats not pssible..I have to do the work..personal maintnence ,inventory,clean out my lifes cluttered closet whatever you call it...because I too thought by just not drinking I would clear up all my issues..then I have realized I had lots of little issues that fed into my alchoholism and led me to drink..its a weird viscious cycle and I am sure you have heard it all before...but you are sooo not alone in feeling this way..In regards to AA...well this time around I am making myself do it..previous attempts always led to my drinking again..I could never say that I actually tried AA and gave it a good shot, it may not be for everyone, buut everyone I know that really works the program...swears by it, claims it saved their life and sanity..I see truly happy beautiful women who can look at their past and make sense out of it and all of its twisted loops and roads...without guilt and shame and depression..I want that..so this time I am going to do it, and see what happens. so faR so good, dont focus on God and your HP if you dont feel comfy with it..it will all fall into place, and the miracle will be revealed to you in time...but it takes time...thats what I am learning , so be kind to yourself today, and tomorrow and the next..one day at a time...is all you can do, and be proud of yourself! Good luck xoxo

allport

Ive done eighteen months sober before and after the initial happiness i very quickly began to suffer with depression again. While im determined at the moment to give up drinking and do something about my low self esteem and depression, im frightened that i am too far gone to live a productive and happy life.

bugsworth

allport, It is natural to have fear, and it is never too late to change your life. The biggest change you can make right now is to stay focused on the future, which includes not drinking today. Happiness is so much a matter of attitude...keep it simple...keep it in the day and believe in your ability to change.

allport

Thanks i know you are talk real sense but i guess im feeling a bit illogical and negative today.

bugsworth

We all have days like that...the important thing is to remember is that you lose your chance at change if you make a decision to drink. All is not lost...sobriety proves this to be true.

TryingSoHard

Wow, Lou... just WOW! Thank you so much!

Empathy and understanding will never be turned away... Thanks

TryingSoHard

Bruce, newey, LouLou, and everyone else out there... thank y'all so much. It helps more than I can say to know that I am not alone, and that others understand what I'm thinking and feeling and experiencing. It gives me back just a little sense of sanity in this mess that is my mind.

Today's not really been better, unfortunately. I had a really weird, powerful, and negative dream about my husband and alcohol (very hard to explain, let's just leave it at that) so the morning was weird. Then I went to work and started having a panic attack just like yesterday. I'm having to deal with holiday discussions with my ex now, too, and that's always a huge source of stress for me.

So, I'm trying, but so far today is just like yesterday. Except at least now I have y'all to talk it through with and that's a step in the right direction.

Now if LSU would just beat Alabama...!! LOL!!!

Boleo

For the person who was uncomfortable in their own skin to start with, not drinking or drugging does not treat their bigger malady (anxiety, frustration, guilt or despair). The individual who is merely abstinent must go on to face these obstacles long after obtaining their short term goals or getting their stuff back.
There are a series of “simple to grasp” slogans used within recovery groups designed to get the newcomer through the next day/week/month or whatever short-term goal that particular program has. In all fairness to any counselor/teacher/sponsor these psychological tricks and tips are essential in the first few months of any kind of recovery and there is no practical way around them. The danger for the person in recovery comes when they continue to rely on these “band-aids” permanently and fail to heal the wound.
The limitations and weaknesses of abstinence typically do not show up until sometime later-on in the recovery process, when the now sober mind starts to realize that only a few things get better while most “life challenges” go on. They begin to recognize that most of the slogans they heard were simply not true or were gross exaggerations. One such slogan is; “just don’t drink, go to meetings and life will get better”. Your parole officer might think your life is better but he is looking at the situation from the perspective of a baby-sitter who is responsible for cleaning up your mess. The reality is that if you can’t sleep at night because of worries and fears, your life may in fact get worse and the 4 horseman of the Apocalypse may even move in with you. Peace of mind is a precious commodity to the soul living a sober life. Drugs and alcohol may have been a “rock” comfort-wise, but life without them may prove to be the “hard place” for the person who was caught in the middle and must now choose one side or the other. Now where does he or she find refuge?

TryingSoHard

I have the book Learned Optimism; a friend recommended it to me years ago and I started reading it but never finished and it's been sitting on my bookshelf ever since. I saw it referenced in one of the sobriety books I recently bought, so I've pulled it down and plan on reading it soon.

I'm also contacting a local therapist to see about beginning counseling.

LouLou629

I have thought alot lately about getting therapy or a counselor too, I think it may help "organize my mess"..I think its awesome you are exploring any options available, be it professional help or self help books, whatever works for you , you never know until you try..and lord knows help is a good thing when you are going through recovery..it seems like we get all mighty powerfull at first in sobriety..we are so proud " I CAN DO IT"..then the novelty wears off and we are left alone with ourselves, in rare form, so raw and open to the big picture...eeek, it can be so very uncomfortable..but I am super proud of you and just remember to be patient and kind to yourself and dont put any expectations on the moment at hand, except of course doing whatever you can to stay sober XOXO