TryingSoHard

Hi y'all.

Today is (I think) day 38 sober for me. I thought I had been doing pretty well. I don't have cravings very often. I made it through a 5 1/2-day stretch when my husband was out of town (used to be that was prime time for me... I didn't have to hide anything while he was gone). I made it through halloween. We've hung out twice with some drinking friends (who don't know I've quit drinking) and I stuck with my Diet Coke without a second thought both times.

So why am I having such a freaking hard time? Why am I so depressed? Why do I feel lost, confused, and alone? Why does THAT VOICE still kick in every 3 or 4 days, trying to tell me that maybe it's not as bad as I "remember"... maybe, if I just wait long enough, I can go back to drinking "normally"? Maybe, just maybe, some day I can drink again and it won't be a problem.

I have a journal. I do go back and read what I wrote the last time I drank, and it DOES help. When I do get cravings, I DO "play it through" and imagine EVERYTHING about how it will be if I choose to drink... the guilt, the shame, the disappointment, the upset stomach, the potential for another blackout, etc, etc, etc. That helps, too. Sometimes I even get good and rational and try to examine what exactly I think I miss, what exactly I think I'll be "getting back" and "enjoying" if I have a drink. That usually works the best for me.

But you know what, that's all I'm really doing to try to get BETTER. I quit going to meetings. I quit reading my recovery books. I even quit checking in here every day, and when I DO check in I most often feel like nothing I have to say would matter or be relevant to anyone.

None of those things are helping me, I know. Simply NOT DRINKING is not getting me BETTER. Today I am suffering because of it.

I guess I don't really have a point in all this rambling... I think it's just that I just realized this today. Until now, I truly thought that NOT DRINKING was enough. Because, after all, that's what I'm trying to do, right? Not drink?

Well, I'm not drinking and I still feel like crap. Nothing has changed. I'm still a sad, sad person on the inside who is smiling and faking it on the outside so no one can tell what's really going on with me.

Jomey

Do you know why this is? Have you been able to figure out what is making you lose interest in trying to get better? Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to a doctor about possible depression if you are losing interest in things that used to matter a lot to you.

I remember feeling some resentment when I realized about 3 months or so into my sobriety that a lot more was going to be required of me if I was going to recover than just stopping drinking.

The whole time I was drinking, I held onto the idea that my life would become magically wonderful if I stopped...I would feel better immediately, I would be able to cope with problems better, the extra weight I was carrying would melt away without effort, etc....FANTASY LAND!

The way I got past the resentment was realizing it was my life and my choice. I went through a couple of weeks of forcing myself to keep working on it, and then things started to flow again, I got past the resentment of needing to change more than my drinking and I have been improving ever since.

I am sorry you are going through this. Try hitting a meeting, even if you have to drag yourself there.

Good luck!

Dee74

I struggled with this too TSH....I quit drinking...what more did I have to do, ferpetessake?

For me, I always went back to drinking, because I didn't understand then...I'm an alcoholic...when I took away the drink...I was just an alcoholic who didn't drink....but I still lived like I did, and thought like I did. Nothing else changed.

It's only this time that I've realised what a twisted little existence I used to live in order to make sure I had to deal with nothing, and to make sure I had ever increasing room for drinking.

You can return to 'normal' - but it needs self analysis and introspection, stringent honesty, and a commitment to discipline, to responsibility, and to trying new things, new ways of living and new ways of thinking, all of which will be uncomfortable. You may find you need counselling or some kind of programme - at the very least I recommend regularly posting and reading in here, and reading anything else recovery related you can get your hands on.

And perhaps most of all we need patience.

I dunno about you but I drank for 15 years - I can't expect to feel right in a month or even 2 months - but yeah, I did expect that LOL.

It's tough TSH - if it wasn't, we wouldn't need SR.

Use this place - there are some good hearts and great minds here.....

and trust me - for all the struggle?
recovery - the ongoing process of full recovery, not just 'not drinking' - *is* worth it

D

TryingSoHard

Yeah, I know why it is. Because for at least 2 solid weeks I felt good, I had a good attitude, and I felt like things were getting better. I thought that quitting drinking WAS enough. I started thinking I didn't NEED those other things to help me, because I felt GOOD! I woke up sober and (most days) happy and didn't even miss drinking. It was a good 2 weeks before I even had a craving this time around. WTF did I need meetings for when I had a good attitude and no cravings? That was my thinking, anyway.

The past two weeks haven't been as easy. The past two weeks I've been spending more and more time thinking about the fact that I can't drink, and, yes, building up resentments. Resenting myself for having a problem, resenting normal drinkers for NOT having a problem, resenting my husband for never asking me how I'm doing, resenting him when he DOES ask for butting in... you get the idea.

Today is honestly the first day that it occurred to me that maybe I feel this way because quitting drinking just isn't enough. I guess I thought that it should be.

TryingSoHard

And yeah, I should probably try to find a counselor or something. Depression has been a problem with me since 1999 - long before my troubles with drinking started. It's just that finding someone good is so freaking hard. I hate going to a new shrink.

justforme

It sounds like you are being really hard on yourself. It's only been 38 days, ya know? I think that's wonderful progress - congrats on your sober time.

There is also a term called dry drunk - those who are not drinking, but are still doing all the behaviors and having the same feels as when they were drinking.

Please consider going back to meetings. Not drinking is simply not enough in order to beat this disease.

TryingSoHard

Dee, I don't want to quote your whole post just to say thank you... so, thank you. What you said made a lot of sense. I appreciate it.

Jomey

TSH - Man, I can relate to your resentment thing...I could have written that paragraph about myself!

It seems like quitting drinking should be enough. But, as tough as it is to face, most of us were drinking to fill a void. My void was knowing no other way to cope with my anxiety. As part of getting better, I have had to find new ways to cope. It stinks, it's hard, and I was able to work through a lot of stuff with my pastor, who is a psychologist and a trusted friend. Having to go out and find someone new to talk this stuff over with will make it harder, but it will NEVER be less worth it.

Anna

I was so far down when I started drinking, and even further down when I stopped drinking. So, there was no question in my mind that I needed changes in my life. I do believe that drinking is a symptom of the issues within. I always say it's about balance and that doing something physical, mental and spiritual, every single day, is crucial for me.

I'm so glad that you recognize this!

Philly

TSH

I could have written that paragraph also. I resent myself as well as other for the drinking but also want to laugh again and be happy. I have 107 days and this is the first time I have quit. I will never be totally convinced unless I try to control it and I don't think I would be able to and I am afraid to try so I won't but it is like not having closure.Today is Friday when my drinking usually began after work and I really looked forward to Friday now I sort of dislike them too. I want to stop being obsessed with not drinking and enjoy life. I was fine for 40 years of my 49 year life and all I can remember is the drinking years. Sorry for rambling but I too wish I had some answers.

Jersey Nonny

You've learned there's more to sobriety than just "putting the plug in the jug".

You mention having gone to meetings and reading the literature...but, you didn't say anything about having joined a group, gotten a sponsor, started working the steps. Do you remember hearing the part about,

Quote:

If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it -- then you are ready to take certain steps.

Chapter 5 - Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

The Steps are written in such a way that you can't help but change... often the change is so subtle, you don't even realize it's happening. It sounds to me like you're experiencing what is known in AA as a "dry drunk"...

Quote:

"Dry Drunk" has been described as "A condition of returning to one's old alcoholic thinking and behavior without actually having taken a drink." Or as one wise old drunk put it, if a horse thief goes into A.A. what you can end up with is a sober horse thief. Or a personal favorite: you can take the rum out of the fruit cake, but you've still got a fruit cake!

...you've quit drinking, but maybe you really need more than even Sober Recovery can offer.

My suggestion would be to get back to basics, just as though you've taken the very first step...and PLEASE go to meetings again.

TryingSoHard

Nonny, while I certainly did enjoy the meetings that I went to and found them useful, I'm still not convinced AA is for me. I think, until I figure out what WILL work for me, that I can at least use those meetings to help me - because they DO help. I just don't know if I can work 12 steps that revolve around a concept that I don't embrace.

I'm not opening up the whole AA can of worms again, so please - let's not go there. I just thought that info would be relevant to why I'm doing or not doing certain things right now.

One of the books I have is Rational Recovery, and when I first started reading it, I thought - WOW! This is it! This is what's going to help me! And then 2 days later I quit reading it. :P WTF?!

I know I have to do *something*. I just have to figure out what my *something* is.

p.s. Yep, I have the Big Book, too. I haven't read it cover to cover... I more "pick and choose" the chapters I want to read, or feel I need to read at a given time. Again, I tend to take what I can use and leave the rest. I just often feel like I'm leaving more than I'm taking.

FizzyWater

I've been fine for the last couple of weeks, no real cravings or thoughts of drinking, then tonight, sitting on my wee lads bed reading him a story ( The Wombles, the one where oranoco puts a sheet over himself and pretends he's a ghost ) I suddenly thought, god I'd love to go get some vodka down me after this. Thought was there for a good few minutes and I really did intend to come downstairs and get a drink as soon as he was asleep.

Anyway's, Uncle Bulgaria realised it was just Oronoco pretending and Tobermoray made a machine out of an old washing machine to stop the other wombles being scared, Wee lad went to sleep, I went for a shower and needless to say didn't have a drink and here I am.

Dee is so right in what he says, I drank from approx age 17, from age 25 probably every day and by age 30 definately acoholicly, by then I was drinking purely to stop the symptons kicking in and was spending my days longing to drink.

I'm now 36 and on sunday will have been sober 6 months, am I happier,yes, Is my life suddenly perfect, course its not, I've only stopped drinking for christs sake !!!!!!!

Took me years to get myself and my habit in the state it was in, it was something I practised every single day, thats now why you find me on here for a while most nights. I know it may appear I don't take it very seriously and mess around a lot, I'm also practising trying to save my life at the same time.

Thanks for the thread TSH

TryingSoHard

I saw Ellen (DeGeneres) take a swig out of a vodka bottle on the show this morning (she thought it was water and not really vodka) and I could just about TASTE it. It was the same stuff that i used to buy, Smirnoff 90 proof. Maybe that's what got this stinkin' thinkin' started today. Who knows.

least

I'll bring in a whole 'nother animal here: you may be having symptoms of PAWS - Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. Paws happens after you're withdrawn from the physical aspect of alcohol addiction but your brain is still trying to get back to normal. Emotions are all over the place and there can be problems with things like clumsiness or forgetfullness. (tho I can't still blame PAWS for that, can I? I hope so!)

The info on PAWS is in the sticky on Quitting in the Alcoholism forum. Check it out. Counseling is an excellent way to help you help yourself. A counselor is a third party who can help you think things thru from a different perspective. I hope you can find one, a good one, soon.

I will keep you in my thoughts!:ghug3

Jersey Nonny

Quote:

I just don't know if I can work 12 steps that revolve around a concept that I don't embrace.

I'm sorry, TSH...I don't understand what "concept" you mean. The mention of God? (Only four times in the 12 Steps.) And, then there are the 12 Promises, once you've gotten to Step 9 (God is only mentioned once). I absolutely love The Promises...I used to get chills when I heard them read at meetings.

I'll be celebrating 29 years of continuous sobriety this month, and I have yet to read the Big Book from cover to cover. These are what are considered to be "important" places in the Big Book:

The 12 Steps
How It Works
Third Step Prayer
Seventh Step Prayer
The Promises

Quote:

I tend to take what I can use and leave the rest. I just often feel like I'm leaving more than I'm taking.

And, there's nothing wrong with that.

TryingSoHard

Yep, the god concept. I know, I know... it's "god as you define it"... HP... whatever. But I just am not there, and I don't know if I ever will be. And 4 out of 12 steps? That's 33%. Should I only do 67% of the work? :P Can I be 67% sober/recovered? LOLOL!!!

I'm not trying to start a debate or anything, I was just trying to explain that that's why I'm not more involved in AA than I have been. I really do try to take what I can use and leave the rest, and I will keep doing that. There definitely are positive aspects to AA.

But other things will help, too. I just need to get off my duff and figure out what they are, and then DO them.

TryingSoHard

p.s. Nonny, 29 years of sobriety is absolutely fabulous and I sincerely congratulate you on it. I hope one day to be able to say the same thing.

bugsworth

Tryingsohard you are doing great...38 days is wonderful, try to see that for what it is...a new you, a chance at a new life...freedom!

Don't confuse the issue with the "solution"....don't drink and keep doing the next right thing and it will all fall into place. Remind yourself it is ok to hurt, take a moment each day to feel the pain without the guilt...you are human.

Sobriety is an inside job, no one or no program can fix you...only you can do that and it seems you are succeeding!

TryingSoHard

Wow. So simple, and yet I couldn't see it. Thank you!

Amen to that! Thank you AGAIN!!