Hmmm...where to start?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: My Head
Posts: 9
Hmmm...where to start?
Ok,
So I used to post on this board, but haven't for a long time. Why because I screwed up and the embarrassment was too great. Hence the new account and username. I'm not really sure how many days of sobriety I had - I never really kept track. I know that it was well over 100. Well, those 100+ days felt good. I coasted through them with ease. Life was good, so I thought, and there were no cravings to speak of.
I was doing so well in fact that I decided that I could start dating again - wow was that a dumb mistake. I had taken stock of past relationships and realized that pretty much all of them were based on booze or ended/never really went anywhere because of booze. So I met this girl, and on her suggestion, we decided to go out for a drink one night. What in the world was I thinking. First I thought, ok, you can just tell her that you don't really drink, and still go out with her. Well, the day came and I arrived first and ordered a Heineken. I mean, come on, I didn't want to give her the impression that I might have "problems", and what would one beer hurt?? That was probably the longest beer I've ever had. It took almost three hours for me to finish it. Aha, I thought, I had licked it. I really could drink like a normal person, if I really put my mind to it. In fact, afterward, on my way home, I decided to pick up a 12 pack to celebrate (???). Well, her and I really hit it off and we started to see each other, and the 12 packs on the way home became more regular. And, of course, with time I screwed it up. Ha...go figure right.
So that one ended rather abruptly, but I decided, give it another go. You can be a charming, charismatic person if you choose to be. So I did. Well, of course, the cycle repeated itself a few more times, with each budding relationship becoming increasingly shorter and shorter, while my alcohol intake became increasingly greater and greater. Which is where I find myself today. I'm not really sure how much I drank last night; I'm pretty sure it was alot - probably enough to cause the average person a great deal of pain. But, again, this morning I woke up bright and early and felt nothing. No hangover - nothing, which I think really sums up everything. Even when I was sober, while I was happy that I was sober, I really didn't "feel" anything. I wasn't angry, I wasn't upset about my past, nor was I looking to blame anyone for what I was. I mean, come on, I knew that I was an alcoholic 4 years before I had my first drink.
Anyway, my first attempt at sobriety was by myself. I've never been to a meeting, and sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had. A friend of mine who has been sober (in AA) for about 4 years, was told that she shouldn't even consider dating until she had at least one year under her belt. I don't know if that's standard or not, but I do know that I was clearly looking for something that would fill a void in my life. Clearly, I wasn't ready. Right now, I guess I'm just trying to figure out what my next step is going to be. In all of my years of drinking, I can honestly say that I've never caused anyone harm, just robbed everyone of me - robbed them of a brother, a son, a friend, and a partner. So...I'm not really sure why I'm writing this. Maybe I'm hoping that if I write this out, it may inspire me, or maybe something will become more clear this time around. I know everyone says that its greener on the other side, that sober eyes are clear eyes - ready to see the world in all its wonder. But, then again, like everything in life, there has to be an exception. It's funny the thing that caused me to drink is loneliness and all that drinking brings me is loneliness. Hmmm...where to start?
So I used to post on this board, but haven't for a long time. Why because I screwed up and the embarrassment was too great. Hence the new account and username. I'm not really sure how many days of sobriety I had - I never really kept track. I know that it was well over 100. Well, those 100+ days felt good. I coasted through them with ease. Life was good, so I thought, and there were no cravings to speak of.
I was doing so well in fact that I decided that I could start dating again - wow was that a dumb mistake. I had taken stock of past relationships and realized that pretty much all of them were based on booze or ended/never really went anywhere because of booze. So I met this girl, and on her suggestion, we decided to go out for a drink one night. What in the world was I thinking. First I thought, ok, you can just tell her that you don't really drink, and still go out with her. Well, the day came and I arrived first and ordered a Heineken. I mean, come on, I didn't want to give her the impression that I might have "problems", and what would one beer hurt?? That was probably the longest beer I've ever had. It took almost three hours for me to finish it. Aha, I thought, I had licked it. I really could drink like a normal person, if I really put my mind to it. In fact, afterward, on my way home, I decided to pick up a 12 pack to celebrate (???). Well, her and I really hit it off and we started to see each other, and the 12 packs on the way home became more regular. And, of course, with time I screwed it up. Ha...go figure right.
So that one ended rather abruptly, but I decided, give it another go. You can be a charming, charismatic person if you choose to be. So I did. Well, of course, the cycle repeated itself a few more times, with each budding relationship becoming increasingly shorter and shorter, while my alcohol intake became increasingly greater and greater. Which is where I find myself today. I'm not really sure how much I drank last night; I'm pretty sure it was alot - probably enough to cause the average person a great deal of pain. But, again, this morning I woke up bright and early and felt nothing. No hangover - nothing, which I think really sums up everything. Even when I was sober, while I was happy that I was sober, I really didn't "feel" anything. I wasn't angry, I wasn't upset about my past, nor was I looking to blame anyone for what I was. I mean, come on, I knew that I was an alcoholic 4 years before I had my first drink.
Anyway, my first attempt at sobriety was by myself. I've never been to a meeting, and sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had. A friend of mine who has been sober (in AA) for about 4 years, was told that she shouldn't even consider dating until she had at least one year under her belt. I don't know if that's standard or not, but I do know that I was clearly looking for something that would fill a void in my life. Clearly, I wasn't ready. Right now, I guess I'm just trying to figure out what my next step is going to be. In all of my years of drinking, I can honestly say that I've never caused anyone harm, just robbed everyone of me - robbed them of a brother, a son, a friend, and a partner. So...I'm not really sure why I'm writing this. Maybe I'm hoping that if I write this out, it may inspire me, or maybe something will become more clear this time around. I know everyone says that its greener on the other side, that sober eyes are clear eyes - ready to see the world in all its wonder. But, then again, like everything in life, there has to be an exception. It's funny the thing that caused me to drink is loneliness and all that drinking brings me is loneliness. Hmmm...where to start?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,584
Hi DW,
It sounds like you have learned quite a bit about yourself.
I'm not an AA person, but I do think that getting into a new relationship, before you have worked on yourself, is destined to be a problem. For me, the bottom line was, I didn't like myself at all. So, I had to start with the basics and begin find a comfortable place with myself. I think when you expect to find something or someone, outside of yourself, to fill you, it won't work.
I hope you keep posting and reading.
It sounds like you have learned quite a bit about yourself.
I'm not an AA person, but I do think that getting into a new relationship, before you have worked on yourself, is destined to be a problem. For me, the bottom line was, I didn't like myself at all. So, I had to start with the basics and begin find a comfortable place with myself. I think when you expect to find something or someone, outside of yourself, to fill you, it won't work.
I hope you keep posting and reading.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Glad you came back again...
I do agree with Anna
About AA....
I ask my AA sponsees to not start a new relationship
until they have finished their formal Step work.
That does not have to be a year.
Those who do...seemingly have a smoother path.
In AA...there are so many things to do.
it gives me a positive way of living without alcohol.
AA may not be for you....but please explore the
program before you decide . Why not?
Hope you find answers...I certainly have...
I do agree with Anna
About AA....
I ask my AA sponsees to not start a new relationship
until they have finished their formal Step work.
That does not have to be a year.
Those who do...seemingly have a smoother path.
In AA...there are so many things to do.
it gives me a positive way of living without alcohol.
AA may not be for you....but please explore the
program before you decide . Why not?
Hope you find answers...I certainly have...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Welcome back DW....
I am a recycled alchoholic...had some time then went back out and now am sober again.
From what I have seen and expereinced there isn't a formula for staying sober that works for everyone...other than don't drink.
For me I use AA and my buddhist practice and SR. Look around at all the others here and listen and watch....then look at your own expereince. be open to try different things. (OK that was advise...sorry).
My expereince is that I had to keep searching for tools to deal with life sober even when I have periods where drinking doesn't come to mind.
I went to meetings drunk and outpatient treatment drunk...it was hard to go back and admit that, but you know...few were suprised...I mean...they see alchoholics all the time...its not something new :ghug3
I am a recycled alchoholic...had some time then went back out and now am sober again.
From what I have seen and expereinced there isn't a formula for staying sober that works for everyone...other than don't drink.
For me I use AA and my buddhist practice and SR. Look around at all the others here and listen and watch....then look at your own expereince. be open to try different things. (OK that was advise...sorry).
My expereince is that I had to keep searching for tools to deal with life sober even when I have periods where drinking doesn't come to mind.
I went to meetings drunk and outpatient treatment drunk...it was hard to go back and admit that, but you know...few were suprised...I mean...they see alchoholics all the time...its not something new :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 33
Thanks for this post! I am 98 days sober but decided to start dating. Funny thing is I met another person in recovery (not in AA) but think he is only a dry drunk. Has had relapses since we have started dating...not on alcohol but on other substances. Great! I said just exchange one addiction for another...I am sure that will work! Our bottems are so different. The things I like about him are he does bible study with his Mom, the majority of the people at his work are in recovery, he prays, he loves his children and knows he is a better person sober. He is extremely honest and always tells me about his mistakes...even if the actual event comes in episodes. For instance, this last relapse was over an injured knee. He took some oxycotin he got from a friend. No bought from a friend. Took one pill for three days. No scrapped of the the top layer of the pill and smashed and snorted it for a better high. Great high the first day, not so good the second and just felt plain ****** by the third. I knew there was something wrong and he admitted it right away but how the story comes to an end took a week. He knows it was a bad idea. I guess why I am posting this is because I haven't even tried dating a normie yet. Crazy of the 5 people I have met over the last 6 weeks 3 don't drink. They have showed me I can have fun in sobriety at least. That has been my gift so far
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