I'm new here and scared--terified of failing and feeling ashamed .
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: NYC
Posts: 2
I'm new here and scared--terified of failing and feeling ashamed .
Hi,
I'm new here. I have been hitting the wine really hard since 2001. Up until then I rarely drank. I went through a terrible assault and sexual harassment lawsuit resulting from the assault and began my relationship with copious amounts of wine at that time for reasons I' m not even sure of. Perhaps to numb-out or to alleviate the stress of hostile and monsterous defense attorneys blaming me for the assaullt, or perhaps just because my career was ended by the attack and I wanted to push the limits of someting just because I could. Since then I have maintained a love of wine. At some points up to two bottles a day--on occasion three in a 24 hour period. Too much for a 5'5 female at 105 lbs.
I must say, I am a highly functioning alcoholic. I went back to school, got straight A's, got accepted to an Ivy league school, all the while getting hammered to the point of blackout every night while still getting my homework done. I am currently employed at a high level job and I kick ass during the day. My problem is my evenings and weekends.
The main underlying theme of my every waking moment is shame.
I am a very successful professional in a great field right now, but I am tiring of trying to hide my "dark side". Perhaps that is why I identify with the show "Dexter" so much. I feel his burden of trying to hide a secret others would judge.
The worst thing is the "elephant in the room" feeling when I am with family and loved ones who know I have a problem. I feel their disapproval and disappointment and it is devestating. It is like the people in my life won't love me and approve of me until I concquer the monster. The problem is that the feeling only makes me feel worse about myself and causes me much distress and even more anxiety because I feel the pressure to instantly get "better" like everyone thinks it is so easy to do. It is not--it is insidious. It seems no matter how successful or accomplished I am, everything is overshadowed by my demon. The real me is insignificant compared to the monkey on my back. It's as if I am a pariah and until I fully overcome this and until then I am not worthy of love or approval.I am feeling the withholding of any approval from those close to me. It has become conditional.I am not downplaying the situation, but I am finding it so hard to lift myself up when I feel so judged and shamed by the people around me( and shamed by the crazy things I have done while drunk) Trust me--I feel shame and sadness and humiliation every waking moment. I feel like there is a big scarlet A emblazoned on me that everyone can see. I can't change this overnight. I am trying to find my way--starting here. I have gone through the night sweats and thought I was going insane. My doctor told me I was peri-menopaspual even when I told her about my alcohol issue. I only figured it out when I found this site.
Thank god I already take medication for anxiety and seizures--they probably saved me. Anyway, this must sound as long as war and peace, but after feeling so alone and shamed over my failures to quit, I am happy to find some nice people who understand. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
My life, as of now is great---I love my life, other than the monkey on my back I am happy and positive. I do some stupid-ass things when I am drunk, and have done MANY things I am ashamed of, but I hope I can get past that and move on.
Anyway,
Thanks for listening.
I'm new here. I have been hitting the wine really hard since 2001. Up until then I rarely drank. I went through a terrible assault and sexual harassment lawsuit resulting from the assault and began my relationship with copious amounts of wine at that time for reasons I' m not even sure of. Perhaps to numb-out or to alleviate the stress of hostile and monsterous defense attorneys blaming me for the assaullt, or perhaps just because my career was ended by the attack and I wanted to push the limits of someting just because I could. Since then I have maintained a love of wine. At some points up to two bottles a day--on occasion three in a 24 hour period. Too much for a 5'5 female at 105 lbs.
I must say, I am a highly functioning alcoholic. I went back to school, got straight A's, got accepted to an Ivy league school, all the while getting hammered to the point of blackout every night while still getting my homework done. I am currently employed at a high level job and I kick ass during the day. My problem is my evenings and weekends.
The main underlying theme of my every waking moment is shame.
I am a very successful professional in a great field right now, but I am tiring of trying to hide my "dark side". Perhaps that is why I identify with the show "Dexter" so much. I feel his burden of trying to hide a secret others would judge.
The worst thing is the "elephant in the room" feeling when I am with family and loved ones who know I have a problem. I feel their disapproval and disappointment and it is devestating. It is like the people in my life won't love me and approve of me until I concquer the monster. The problem is that the feeling only makes me feel worse about myself and causes me much distress and even more anxiety because I feel the pressure to instantly get "better" like everyone thinks it is so easy to do. It is not--it is insidious. It seems no matter how successful or accomplished I am, everything is overshadowed by my demon. The real me is insignificant compared to the monkey on my back. It's as if I am a pariah and until I fully overcome this and until then I am not worthy of love or approval.I am feeling the withholding of any approval from those close to me. It has become conditional.I am not downplaying the situation, but I am finding it so hard to lift myself up when I feel so judged and shamed by the people around me( and shamed by the crazy things I have done while drunk) Trust me--I feel shame and sadness and humiliation every waking moment. I feel like there is a big scarlet A emblazoned on me that everyone can see. I can't change this overnight. I am trying to find my way--starting here. I have gone through the night sweats and thought I was going insane. My doctor told me I was peri-menopaspual even when I told her about my alcohol issue. I only figured it out when I found this site.
Thank god I already take medication for anxiety and seizures--they probably saved me. Anyway, this must sound as long as war and peace, but after feeling so alone and shamed over my failures to quit, I am happy to find some nice people who understand. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
My life, as of now is great---I love my life, other than the monkey on my back I am happy and positive. I do some stupid-ass things when I am drunk, and have done MANY things I am ashamed of, but I hope I can get past that and move on.
Anyway,
Thanks for listening.
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
You can and will get through it if you want that more than anything. If you are chosing to get sober from this point on then there is nothing to be ashamed of. The past is the past and you can deal with that at another time, first you need to withdrawl and get to some meetings. Meetings give you knowledge to conquer these demons you speak of. Knowledge is power and key to recovery.
Thank you for coming here and posting. This is an excellant first step to your recovery.
Thank you for coming here and posting. This is an excellant first step to your recovery.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to our recovery community....
Checking with your doctor is a wise move
especially as you are taking meds.
De toxing is a medical situation.
Drinking made me into a woman I detested.
Depression is why I began AA recovery.
When I finished the AA Steps 4 & 5 all the
guilt and shame vanished. I forgave myself.
Certainly this took more than a week or two
but it can happen for you too!
Glad you are here with us...
Checking with your doctor is a wise move
especially as you are taking meds.
De toxing is a medical situation.
Drinking made me into a woman I detested.
Depression is why I began AA recovery.
When I finished the AA Steps 4 & 5 all the
guilt and shame vanished. I forgave myself.
Certainly this took more than a week or two
but it can happen for you too!
Glad you are here with us...
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome to SR! There is a lot of support here you have come to a great place!
Please keep posting and check out our other forums-We are glad that you found us ...
Please keep posting and check out our other forums-We are glad that you found us ...
Just another day...
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 274
Hi kungfu!
I am fairly new to this site myself. I was reading posts a couple weeks ago and finally when I reached 10 days sober I started to post. I feel that shame all the time too. I have done some horrible things, stupid things, while drunk. I hate it when I blackout and then there is always that one person that reminds u of what u did..omg...i want to bury my head in the pillow and hope to never see those people again...lol.. The feeling of failure when I quit and then give in and drink again..oh yes...im oh so familiar with that, as Im sure everyone here is. I have to tell myself that the drunk person I was, is not who I am. I have an addiction. If I let the guilt eat at me then I would be drinking. Eventually, you have to let it go. I havent let it all go, yet...its a work in progress...lol I wont judge you! And I dont think ur a bad person! I think u need to work on loving urself and taking care of u! (something we all need to do) just remember..that drunk person is not the person u really are. As u said, that damn monkey on ur back is taking control now its time for u to take ur life back...u have a great start. keep going! there are a lot of great people on this site. Good luck and keep posting!
I am fairly new to this site myself. I was reading posts a couple weeks ago and finally when I reached 10 days sober I started to post. I feel that shame all the time too. I have done some horrible things, stupid things, while drunk. I hate it when I blackout and then there is always that one person that reminds u of what u did..omg...i want to bury my head in the pillow and hope to never see those people again...lol.. The feeling of failure when I quit and then give in and drink again..oh yes...im oh so familiar with that, as Im sure everyone here is. I have to tell myself that the drunk person I was, is not who I am. I have an addiction. If I let the guilt eat at me then I would be drinking. Eventually, you have to let it go. I havent let it all go, yet...its a work in progress...lol I wont judge you! And I dont think ur a bad person! I think u need to work on loving urself and taking care of u! (something we all need to do) just remember..that drunk person is not the person u really are. As u said, that damn monkey on ur back is taking control now its time for u to take ur life back...u have a great start. keep going! there are a lot of great people on this site. Good luck and keep posting!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,782
Welcome to a great place for support and advice. Quitting drinking can be difficult, but it can be done. Consulting your doctor to detox safely would be a smart move. Once you get past the withdrawals you will begin to feel better physically.
I quit and relapsed many many times, but when I wanted to stay sober more than I wanted to drink, I was able to stay sober. You can do this!
I quit and relapsed many many times, but when I wanted to stay sober more than I wanted to drink, I was able to stay sober. You can do this!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Kunfu, you must stop with the shame, remorse, & guilt. You're holding yourself back with those useless emotions. I spent years stuck on those feelings and prevented myself from getting sober and moving forward. I'd walk the floors at night, wringing my hands, crying - all over things that can never be changed. This is a wonderful, uplifting place that has been my savior. The feeling of no longer being alone took a huge burden from me. It's wonderful that you are otherwise happy with your job and your life. (NYC-I'm jealous.) When you feel stronger you'll be able to look everyone in the eye and hold your head up - if they can't or won't understand, you must not allow it to hold you down. Be proud of yourself for reaching this decision. Some never do. Looking forward to hearing more about your journey. Love, Joanie
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
:ghug2 Welcome to SR!
You are in a great community of addicts! We are not perfect but we are compassionate.
I'm glad you are reading. Tons of great info here. I read the excerpts from "Under the Influence" that are posted on this site and went out and bought a copy.
I am still reading the book. It has helped me to get my head and my heart in agreement on why I have a problem with alcohol and why I can never safely drink again. It helps to have one less internal battle.
Hang around, it can be habit forming!
You are in a great community of addicts! We are not perfect but we are compassionate.
I'm glad you are reading. Tons of great info here. I read the excerpts from "Under the Influence" that are posted on this site and went out and bought a copy.
I am still reading the book. It has helped me to get my head and my heart in agreement on why I have a problem with alcohol and why I can never safely drink again. It helps to have one less internal battle.
Hang around, it can be habit forming!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 50
Kung Fu P,
I can relate- I too am in a high profile job and had the same issue- kicking tush all day and then drinking each night and all weekend and feeling like I am living a double life. I am now 15 days off the booze and feel amazing. If I can do it- you can do- you just need to want it and know that without it you can kick ass even more- life becomes richer and more fabulous than you have ever known. I know I needed support- this site has been a life saver. I tried on my own so many times, but after this last bender, I woke up with such anxiety I wanted to pull my hair out- that was one too many times- and that was 15 days ago. Yes I am taking one day at a time, but put it this way- you couldn't pay me to go back to that living hell.
You can do this- if you kick butt during the day at work - you can do the same at night and weekends- by not drinking the vino. Keep posting- we are here for ya!
Best,
R
I can relate- I too am in a high profile job and had the same issue- kicking tush all day and then drinking each night and all weekend and feeling like I am living a double life. I am now 15 days off the booze and feel amazing. If I can do it- you can do- you just need to want it and know that without it you can kick ass even more- life becomes richer and more fabulous than you have ever known. I know I needed support- this site has been a life saver. I tried on my own so many times, but after this last bender, I woke up with such anxiety I wanted to pull my hair out- that was one too many times- and that was 15 days ago. Yes I am taking one day at a time, but put it this way- you couldn't pay me to go back to that living hell.
You can do this- if you kick butt during the day at work - you can do the same at night and weekends- by not drinking the vino. Keep posting- we are here for ya!
Best,
R
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Hi kunfu!
I can SO relate to everything you posted.
I was also living a dual life. I am a professional woman with a good paying, high profile position. I am a wife, mother, student (on hiatus at the moment), Girl Scout leader, Soccer team Mom, etc. And I was a wino. After I got off of work, I would start drinking and I would be at least good and buzzed by 9pm. No one at work knew my secret, nor most of the other Moms I dealt with and many of my friends. But my husband, my family and my kids knew. I was so ashamed that every morning I would wake up cringing and panicking trying to fill in the black spots from the night before or trying to remeber who i drunk dialed and what I said. Every morning on the way to work I would swear I was not going to drink today and by 330 I was planning my first drink.
Today I am almost 5 months sober and I feel better than I have in a decade. The freedom and the peace I feel today is indescribable (sp?). Anyway, today I am blessed with a very large support system that knows exactly what I was going through and what Igo through now on a daily basis. I joined AA and I have a sponsor and am working the steps. I feel very blessed today and I do not miss drinking.
I used to tell myself that I was drinking because I deserved to relax or unwind. But it only made my worries and stresses bigger and badder. Today it is amazing how calm I can react to so many situations. I have dealt with some pretty big consequences as a result of my last drunk and I can do it with serenity. It is truly amazing.
I am now on my way to becoming the woman I wanted everyone to believe I was. You can too. One day at a time. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk.
Welcome to SR!!!
I can SO relate to everything you posted.
I was also living a dual life. I am a professional woman with a good paying, high profile position. I am a wife, mother, student (on hiatus at the moment), Girl Scout leader, Soccer team Mom, etc. And I was a wino. After I got off of work, I would start drinking and I would be at least good and buzzed by 9pm. No one at work knew my secret, nor most of the other Moms I dealt with and many of my friends. But my husband, my family and my kids knew. I was so ashamed that every morning I would wake up cringing and panicking trying to fill in the black spots from the night before or trying to remeber who i drunk dialed and what I said. Every morning on the way to work I would swear I was not going to drink today and by 330 I was planning my first drink.
Today I am almost 5 months sober and I feel better than I have in a decade. The freedom and the peace I feel today is indescribable (sp?). Anyway, today I am blessed with a very large support system that knows exactly what I was going through and what Igo through now on a daily basis. I joined AA and I have a sponsor and am working the steps. I feel very blessed today and I do not miss drinking.
I used to tell myself that I was drinking because I deserved to relax or unwind. But it only made my worries and stresses bigger and badder. Today it is amazing how calm I can react to so many situations. I have dealt with some pretty big consequences as a result of my last drunk and I can do it with serenity. It is truly amazing.
I am now on my way to becoming the woman I wanted everyone to believe I was. You can too. One day at a time. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk.
Welcome to SR!!!
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