dancinggirl

As some of you know, I drank after something like 50 days sober. I drank wine one night and vodka the next. That was two days ago. I had no reason to drink...no stresses...just "missed" it. It wasn't fun at all...ruined my sleep, made me feel crappy the next day....complete guilt.

I am now incredibly depressed. I don't know if even those stupid experiences will stop me from drinking again. I get NOTHING out of drinking!!! Why does my body want it so much?! Or my brain?! Or whatever is running this ship...

What if I'm the person who NEVER gets to the bottom?

BUTTERFLY-7

Hy Dance Girl I'm so sorry for what you are confronting
my best advice is if you really want this nightmare to End
you my Dear: Can't do this on your own Do you Have a Doctor
talk to your Doct,and he will Help you to get your self star it
for a Detox But you must first see the Doct, tell him your Episodes
and how you are struggling I'll B :praying

ANGELINA243

You never want to get to the bottom--that would mean death (in my opinion). Each person has their own recovery bottom though--mine certainly was lower than what some of the others had. I was stubborn, self-centered, and completely in denial for a really long time. I hope you get it before I did...my disease almost killed me...on more than one occasion. Just keep moving forward. Today is a brand new day--can be the beginning of a brand new life. Hang in there! You are not alone.

adore79

Ive asked myself the same questions. I've hit bottoms before, but sometimes I wonder if an alcoholic death will be my final bottom. Coming to SR and reading is what gives me hope. It takes different people different amounts of time to "get it." I trully think I will get sober, I recognize myself in so many posts here, from newcomers trying to get sober, and those who have years of sobriety who describe what they used to be like. Hope springs eternal, as long as we keep coming back we will make it.:ghug3

HeavyJ

Hi DG,

I think that you dislike it enough now. Make this be the bottom. Now get up and never ever look back. Think about how you will wake up feeling better physically and better about yourself tomorrow. That keeps me going, I can always find something to feel good about in the morning.

Good luck, and feel good about this. Your posts have helped me tremendously!

Heavy

CarolD

DG...

Please read these excerpts from the book
that finally convinced me to quit.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

I then used that information....re connected to my God and AA
and have not had another drink.

Yes! You too can recover...

Jersey Nonny

In Chapter 5 of the AA Big Book, it describes "How It Works":

Quote:

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.

There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

If you want what we have, and are willing to go to any lengths to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps.

Then, it goes on to list the 12 Steps as a program of recovery.

From what I've read of your posts, you impress me as being an honest person. But, then, I always thought of myself as honest, until I realized I was really more concerned with trying to reconcile with my husband than I wanted to quit drinking.

Once I made up my mind I wanted to stay sober more than I wanted to drink, and threw myself wholeheartedly into AA and working the steps, it gradually became easier for me. But, it didn't happen overnight...it took many meetings and lots of work.

You were able to stay away from the drink for 50 days...so, you know it can be done. What you must remember is that the disease is cunning, baffling, powerful...and, it lies in wait to trip us up when we least expect it. Your own personal bottom is when you finally say, "That's it...that's enough"...and, follow through with whatever it takes. We'll always be here for encouragement and support.

TryingSoHard

What she said, sweetie.

I didn't have nearly as much sober time built up as you did, but I had a week... and that's a week longer than I've had in at least 6 months, probably closer to a year. So yeah, today I am depressed and kicking myself and saying, "WTF were you thinking?" I have no one to blame but myself and I'm struggling with WHY I drank last night. Like you, there was no real "trigger"... nothing HAPPENED. I just chose to do it. I don't know if I wanted to see if it would be any "better" now that I had a week under my belt or what. Once I've had a few sober days I'm really good at convincing myself that things aren't as bad as I thought... that I don't REALLY have a problem (or else how could I go 7 days without a drink??)... that this time will be different.

But it's not different. It sucks. I hate being back at square 1. I felt like I was really doing well and I had to go and screw it all up.

So, I am right here with you. I get it. I understand. And I want to help you, if that is within my power AT ALL. I don't want anyone else to feel like I feel today.

Dean62

What you missed was the way it used to be. The insane obsession of every alcoholic is to think we can have those "good" days of drinking back. YOU CAN'T. That part of your life is over. When you admit this to your deepest innermost self you will be done drinking. What you missed is now an illusion.

What you got is your reallity.
Get used to it because that's what drinking now is for you. It will never get better dancinggirl. I know because I tried for a number of years and it slowly gets progressively worse.

There is no longer any reason for you to even think about taking a drink again. When the fantasy of what alcohol used to be like enters your mind simply don't entertain the idea. Accept right now the truth. You will get the crappy feeling part every time.

Drinking = misery.

For today just get back up and keep working at sobriety. No matter what keep coming back. Whatever it takes, however many times it takes. Don't give up.

Surrender the fight and rest in recovery.

littlefish

Sorry to hear you are so frustrated Dancing girl!

I'm real close to my 50 days....
It helps me to keep a diary. Today was my son's birthday. I read what I was doing last year this day.

Last year at this time, I was on a binge for the entire week and made no diary entry for this date. I do remember that I spent this day, September 3rd last year, drinking and doing nothing because (my husband) was away on a business trip. I was on the sofa watching TV in the evening after a day of steady drinking. (my son) walked into the room and looked at me. I wondered why he was looking at me. I am assuming I had a glass of wine in the corner of the window, hidden from view. Or, I might have been keeping my stash in the kitchen. I had no dinner, cake or card prepared, no present. The next day I remembered it was his birthday; I had completely forgotten about it.

This year was different, I made a special dinner for him, (all his faves) bought him a present and made a cake. And, although I didn't say it, I was sober.

I'm not really sure what I can say to cheer you up, but, one of the best parts of my recovery has been reflecting on the past, (like reading what I was doing last year), and feeling strong and in a state of healing today, and not repeating my behavior of last year.

I guess all I can say is that it really does take time. Sometimes I feel like I am hanging around at the bus station and the recovery bus is late and I keep wondering when it will arrive.
But it also helps when I remind myself that I really am on a journey and there are always delays on any journey and frustrating moments. The unknown factor. But, there have already been some (very positive) unexpected turns of events that have happened since I quit, that I never would have imagined happening.

I think when you stop once you have planted a seed in your mind. Maybe you might go back to drinking for a day, or two, or more. A lot more days. But the seed is there. And it wants to grow, and you want it to grow.
Good luck and keep coming back!

Jersey Nonny

That big sign at the meetings is there for a reason: THINK

THINK before you pick up the drink. THINK the drink through. Sometimes, they even hang the sign upside down...that really makes one THINK about how topsy-turvy things get when we trade sobriety for "just one more". Trouble is, it's never just one more, as well you know.

Aysha

Just keep trying.

August78

I wish you the best dancinggirl. I've only been sober 9 days, 50 days is a long time but I think you can do it. Talk to your doctor. This is hard and I'm praying for you.

TryingSoHard

WOW. See, this is why I come here so many times during the day. This was exactly what I needed to read right now. THANK YOU.

Hevyn

Dean62 you are so right - drinking=misery, yet I tried for years to recreate the fun & relaxation it once was. In the process, I almost killed myself & most certainly almost went insane. You're getting it, Dancinggirl, or you wouldn't have come back here to tell us what happened. Hold your head up & keep marching forward - you are going to do this thing. Love, Joanie

rurdy2rk

Hey DG,

First of all don't beat yourself up. I suggest you read page 30 of the big book. I read it every night. Go ahead and check it out and let me know what you think...

Hang in there, and start again. I may have 61 days right now, but I am only 10 seconds away from a relapse myself if I don't "watch it". We are all, and will continue to be vulernable. It's part of the disease...

AW2486

I agree with Jersey.. every day that we drink can be a new bottom.

AA and the steps are what freed me of the obsession of the mind. I know that route works.

Your in my prayers tonight DG..

Andy

SelfSeeking

Hi, DancingGirl I have found a lot of inspiration in your posts, this slip doesn't take that away. I echo butterfly, maybe think about seeing someone? Have you ever tried antabuse? I have a contact in Women For Sobriety who told me that it was a lifesaver for her. (note: NOT giving medical advice- just passing on some ES&H )

Anna

DancingGirl,

You can do this.

Learn from this experience and make a plan so it doesn't happen again.

Rusty Zipper

DG bottoms schmotums...

its the rat of addictions run'n ya...

time to do some serious battle!

ya want it, ya work for it, ya will get it...

good wishes DG, never give up that hope or the fight...

i lost one that gave up, and you can do it...

rust