TryingSoHard

Hi.

I need help figuring out how to tell my husband that I have a drinking problem. I'm sure that on some level he knows... or at least suspects... but he honestly has NO CLUE just how bad it is. Apparently I'm very mean to him when I'm drunk (but not to anyone else, just him) so we've gotten in a handful of fights about my behavior while drunk - but not about my actual drinking. Over the past couple months, after the last time I got really nasty with him while drinking, I've been working on "controlling" my behavior when I drink. I've been doing this for two reasons: 1. because I honestly DON'T WANT to be mean to him - ever and 2. because I don't want him to realize I'm drunk, or at least HOW drunk I am. So I've learned, little by little, how to act "normal" while I sit there and quietly get hammered.

Now I need to figure out how to come clean with him and admit just how bad things are. I've been trying to handle this on my own for months and months and I think I've finally realized that I can't do it alone. Especially since, even after I've gotten drunk and been mean to him, a few days later if I am really stressed out he will make me a drink or open a beer for me. I always feel like I can't turn the drink down because what would I say? "Thanks, honey, but if I drink that I'll spend the rest of the night sneaking sips from the bottle of Jack until I pass out."

I ALMOST told him a week and a half ago. Of course, at the time I was absolutely drunk... but lately that's when my feelings to ask for help are the strongest. I want someone to help pull me out of the hole I've dug. So we stayed up until 5 a.m., talking, me crying, but I never did tell him what was wrong. I just told him that I am more messed up that he realizes, and that I have some things to tell him but I'm just not ready yet. Once I assured him that I'm not cheating on him and I don't want a divorce, he said there's nothing else I could possibly say that he couldn't handle or that would make him feel differently about me. While that's reassuring, it's hard to believe. It has taken me over a year to admit to myself that I have a problem and I need help, and I feel HORRIBLE about myself. I am ashamed and embarrassed. How can I expect him to feel any differently?

Once I tell him... or anyone... everything is going to change. And that thought terrifies me.

parentrecovers

hey trying,

mom of alcoholic here. a few thoughts i have ...

i doubt he will be surprised or shocked about the extent of the drinking problem.

he sounds like he's trying to help you in the ways he can.

don't "awfulize" the outcome of telling him. it's gonna be what it's going to be.

change is part of recovery.

it's ok and HEALTHY to ask for support. especially from people who love you and that you trust.

you don't have the power to "expect" him to feel anything. he owns his own feelings.

and finally - remember - your actions over time speak much louder than your words. if you keep doing the next right thing, regardless of any outcomes - you will be able to look yourself in the mirror and know you did the best you could for yourself. and your marriage.

hugs, and i hope this helps. k

Toomutch

Trying.
My drinking was very much like yours, except I kept vodka hidden and would drink it when the wine was gone. My husband thought he was in control of my drinking by only allowing me 3 glasses of wine a night.

When I came clean with him about the vodka he said that he had suspected something, because I would be absolutely hammered by the time I went to bed.

I was ashamed and embarrased as you are, but that will ease with time. My husband holds no grudges, he did for awhile, but he understands how being an alcoholic made me dishonest around alcohol, and that the dishonesty is part of the disease.

My advise is to tell him, because you need his support.

TryingSoHard

I've been hiding vodka, too.

*hangs head*

Jomey

Hey Trying - It is hard to tell our partners about our drinking problems. But, I agree with K, and my own experience with telling my husband, tells me that yours will not be as surprised as you think he will be.

Maybe your husband is being truthful when he says that nothing will besides cheating/divorcing will make him feel differently about you. Think positive...he is opening the door for you to tell him! If you can't do it alone, maybe a family member can help?

I told my husband AFTER I quit drinking for a few days...he noticed I wasn't drinking, but since I wasn't always an every day drinker, that was no indicator that I was getting sober or trying for recovery. He was actually very happy for me, for him and our kids when I told him.

I also told my mother in law, whom I love dearly, and she will always be my hero, because she said exactly what I wanted to hear: "I'm glad to hear that. How can I help?" Nothing more, nothing less. And help she has!

I guess what I am trying to say is, dont' be afraid -telling can be very difficult, but nothing can get better until you do! THINK POSITIVE - what a weight it will be off your shoulders when your husband is in your corner, helping you towards recovery!

Hope this helps - jomey

bostonluv

I did the same things to my boyfriend - getting mean. Waking up in the morning with him glaring at me. I remember him showing me a huge wine bottle one morning and said, Do you relaize you drank this WHOLE thing?! He was so angry with me. I learned to control my mouth for a long time. But eventually I drank a bunch of tequila and the mean stuff came out again. I have no idea where that stuff comes from. The next day, a whole 24 hours later he said, Do you realize how much you drank last night?! NO! I didn't. I never do "realize" until it's too late. He's finally understanding more about my alcoholism and he takes every oppurtunity to tell me how proud is of me. He also stopped trying to control my recovery. He doesn't ask about it until I bring the subject up. Really important. Everything is going to change but that's a good thing, right? Aren't you unhappy and ashamed? You can change that. You can make a choice to change that. xxox - Kathleen

TryingSoHard

Any suggestions on what to say or how to bring it up? Every time I try to imagine myself saying the words to him, I get physically sick to my stomach.

Eclipse

The best thing I ever did was tell my husband. It was a huge relief!! I just came out and said "I have a drinking problem and I need you to help me." Of course he already knew, he saw the wine bottles and similar to bostonluv he had said before "You drank a huge bottle of wine last nite!" By telling him it will make you more accountable and think before you take that next drink. I just want my husband to be proud of me and love me and it isn't going to happen if I continue to drink.

Jomey

Hun - My suggestion is to be straightforward. Ask to speak to him at a time when he is relaxed, and you won't be interrupted. Unplug the phone, turn off the tv, ask someone to take the kids out of the house if you have any.

Then, just tell him the truth. You feel you are drinking too much and it is affecting you, him, your marriage and your self esteem. Tell him you want to change, and that you are afraid of losing his respect because of this problem. Ask him to help you. Tell him what you need - for example "Please don't offer me any more drinks", etc.

I really feel that you will be pleasantly suprised by how glad you will both feel once this is all out in the open.

Good luck and keep posting
Jomey

TryingSoHard

I also want to tell my best friend, but I think my husband deserves to be told first. I still don't know what to say to either of them... I keep imagining possible reactions and I can't decide which will be worse: to have them be totally shocked and surprised, or to have them say, "Yeah, I figured as much. I was just waiting for you to admit it."

So how much should I tell my husband? Should I admit to things like keeping a secret stash of vodka in my dresser, or should I just leave it to the bare minimum?

All of your comments and suggestions are greatly appreciated. It feels really good to at least be able to discuss this. I've been holding it all inside for so long that it was beginning to drive me back into depression.

Eclipse

I personally didn't tell my husband all the gory details. I was afraid he would loose ALL respect for me, because I was disgusted with myself. But he knows I have a drinking problem and is on high alert. Before I told him, he used to bring me home a bottle of wine and I would be shocked thinking, why is he doing this? He has to know how much I am drinking. But once I told him that I felt I had a problem and asked him not to buy me wine, he more than obliged. Things are great!

TryingSoHard

I guess that means now I need to get a plan, huh?

Eclipse

Yep!

22NGONE

Hello,

I agree with Jomey, your husband was leaving the door open for you to tell him by reassuring you that nothing other than cheating or divorce would make him feel differently about you.

The second step of your plan, after getting rid of all of your alcohol should be to go to an A.A. meeting, you'll find all the love and support you will need there.

John

TryingSoHard

Well, the first thing I did yesterday morning was pour out the remaining vodka I had stashed. We just about finished off our JD last weekend (together) so that can't be a temptation, and there's only 1 beer left (and I'm sure he'll have it with dinner tonight).

I'm kind of scared to go to a meeting, but I will give it a try if it will help. I don't know what else to do.

I almost feel like I've been living a double life for the last year. I still take care of all my responsibilities, I cook dinner, I do household chores, I shuttle the kids around, etc... but at night I sneak vodka into my Diet Coke until I pass out. I still watch movies/tv with the family, I sign school papers, I chat with friends online... and then I wake up the next morning wonder what all happened the night before that I can't remember. I check my phone for texts I may have sent, I check online networks for drunken posts I might have written, and I cringe every time someone says, "We talked about that last night, remember?"

I just don't know how to break it to ... anyone... how truly screwed up I am.

txsar

Hi Tryingsohard,

I too had a hard time admitting to my husband that I had a problem. The first time I quit (yes there have been multiple), I wrote him a letter and handed it to him one night after the kids had gone to bed. I've done that with a few things that I have had a hard time confronting him with. It's easier for me that way and has usually started a good conversation. I felt a tremendous relief once I told him too.

Good luck! You can do it!!

txsar

LogCabin

Hi Trying. You have already gotten so much good advice. You don't have to tell the whole world. But I agree that telling your husband that you at least feel that you have a problem with drinking too much is a good start. And I also feel it is so important to get all the alcohol out of the house. And to ask him to not drink in front of you.

We need to have a safe alcohol-free place to work on this problem. To build the strength and time of recovery.

LOL at the plan statements above! I agree...a plan is a great place to start. But please don't beat yourself up if you have a hard time following the plan. Just don't give up. I understand how scared you are. And I understand how ashamed you feel. I was right there with you.

Getting honest about what is happening is a way to freedom and joy.

Anna

I can only tell you my experience.

My husband and kids were frustrated with my drinking. When I stopped, I didn't say anything to anyone. I just kept focusing on my recovery. They noticed.

Ananda

It was really tough when I never knew what I had heard or said the night before. My mom told me well your aunt is out of intensive care adn I had no idea what had happened. Had to bluff my way through it.

Today I find life much easier in that respect. If I don't remember, they probably didn't tell me (happens quite often). and if they remember it differently, thats just how people are...no big deal or reason to doubt my sanity.

My son drinks. Our rule is he can't drink or have alchohol in the upstairs and I don't go downstairs. And he can't come up and talk to me when he is drunk.

This rule has been broken (about not talking to me drunk) twice in one year. So I don't do it perfect and neither does he...but things are way better and he really tries to follow the rule so that he can support my sobriety.

nayster

oh yes. oh yes. completely identify with your post. It's so easy to sneak alcohol (whiskey for me...) in cans of Diet Coke. I have so been there. And my husband doesn't know the true extent of my drinking.

I just said, "I have something to tell you that's really difficult for me to say. But I have a drinking problem." I don't want him to fix it. He CAN'T fix it for me. But I did ask for his support and I asked him to limit the amount of alcohol that he brought home.

He was very supportive.

I also wonder if my parents, my in-laws, and my friends suspect I have a problem based on the phone calls or emails they received from me.

TryingSoHard...I'll be watching and supporting your sobriety. We are in much the same boat.