SelfSeeking

I have kinda been on an internet binge! But at least it's not damaging my internal organs

woooo... what a roller coaster....

SelfSeeking

HA... yes.

JustMe1972

I so feel you. My husband is definitely NOT getting sober with me and it's very hard. Our date nights still revolve around bars and friends that drink and every night he drinks in front of the tv. I was on the phone last night with a friend (across the country) and he asked if I had any friends around who didn't drink and it was very sad to have to say no. My biggest fear is that getting sober is going to break that last fraying cord holding my marriage together, and I have 2 young kids. :ghug3

SelfSeeking

Hey Justme. I ranted a whole bunch in another thread... I ended up having a very necessary and honest conversation with my SO, and I feel like he "gets it" now. No more alcohol around the house... for the foreseeable future.

I gotta say things were a bit tense around the ol' house today. I feel like trust needs to be reestablished. I did just own up to some sneaky behaviors. And he owned up to using drinking as a major way to relieve his stress; he is not real comfortable with that. I'm afraid he's going to resent me. He11 I resent me sometimes! We're about to be geologically separated too, for a number of months.

Isn't it weird that something as healthy as getting sober could STRESS a relationship? I guess I am naive. It seems like doing a healthy thing should make relationships more healthy. I wish we were in a position to go to therapy together. Is your husband open to that?

JustMe1972

My husband is NOT terrible open to therapy. He started therapy on his own, was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder and then just stopped going. He sees the problem as all mine.

txsar

Good morning everyone.

I talked with my husband over the weekend and although he is supportive, he doesn't "get it". He still doesn't think I have a problem. We also still have alcohol in the house. So far it hasn't bothered me. I have really been tested over the last few days too. My husband and I are supposed to testify in a trial in a couple of weeks. This case has been going on for close to a year with many starts and stops. It is so frustrating and overwhelming. We thought this trial would be a light at the end of the tunnel but found out yesterday that it may be delayed yet again!! I can't go into the details of what it's about but it is truly wearing me down.

Sorry, just had to vent a little.

Hope everyone is doing good today!

txsar

SelfSeeking

Good job toughing it out, txs. Sounds like you're having a stressful time on a few fronts. If you can do this with all that crap going on, so can I! Thanks, lady

JustMe1972

Day 15.

Feeling better the past few days physically at least!

spudida

Day 5 is almost over YEA!!!

SelfSeeking

I was doing fieldwork with a coworker today, a recent college grad. It was a looooong and kind of frustrating day, lots and lots of hitting some walls in our project. I drove... and man did I drive, I put over 100 miles on my car today. We stop at a gas station to get drinks before heading home, and she says, "This was a long day, mind if I get a beer and sip on it out of a paper bag in the car?" She said it laughingly, and I just laughed back, thinking surely she jested. I grab a dr pepper and turn to see her pulling a 40 off the shelf! I was like, "Oh, you're not drinking that in my car." She looked so surprised! Er?????

Kids today. See ya on SR sometime in the future (I hope), coworker.

TryingSoHard

I can totally see this being me.

I haven't told my husband about my drinking problem yet. I need to tell him... I know that... but I can't find the words or the strength to do it yet. And once I do? I won't be surprised at all if this is how things are.

So please, hang in there. Stay strong. For yourself. You know what he doesn't. We know what he doesn't. We understand what he doesn't.

I wish you the best.

I wish better for you than I have for myself.

Jules62

I get wanting your husbands to be supportive.We kinda expect it.But the hard reality is-often they don't.I guess I'm posting a warning to you about expecting too much.Ultimately?Your sobriety is up to you.You have to want it badly-to the point where what anyone else says/thinks doesn't really matter.Even your husband.

It's also important to remember that our partners have endured our drunken behavior(even when we thought we'd hidden it so well.We didn't.I'm telling you now) and they aren't always very forgiving in response to our admission.In a perfect world?Maybe.But we reap what we sow.

It's good to be honest-I am all for that.I'm just saying-remember that this is your journey-and if support comes along?Great.But don't expect a parade either.It takes huge courage and I'm not undermining that.But also remember we've done a lot of damage because of our drinking and it's a lot to ask of someone who isn't an alcoholic to just accept that and be kind about it.

TryingSoHard

sigh

Jules62

TSH-I'm sorry.I'm not trying to discourage you-but I am very much for saying what I believe to be true.I'd just hate you to expect so much and then feel even more defeated when it didn't turn out the way you hoped.This can be a lonely journey sometimes-which is why I thank god for SR.That's all.

I do feel for you and I DO understand.My husband doesn't get it at all-and I really thought he would.

It's just tough sometimes.But it's worth the struggle too.

Julesxox

TryingSoHard

You aren't discouraging me at all. Please don't think you are. I don't expect much because I don't want to expect failure, if that makes sense.

I also don't expect much because I am afraid of the change that will be necessary once I tell my husband of my problem... which makes me a total loser. This is part of what got me: Your sobriety is up to you.You have to want it badly-to the point where what anyone else says/thinks doesn't really matter.Even your husband.

I suck so much right now that I DON'T want it that badly. That's my problem, that's why I sighed. I want to change, I want to be better... but I don't want it THAT BADLY.

I suck.

TryingSoHard

Ok, fine... but what if we haven't?

I've been a good mom and wife all the while being an alkie. I make dinner. I make lunches. I unload the dishwasher. I wash clothes. I don't drive drunk. I help with homework. I PUT THEIR NEEDS BEFORE MINE.


Not saying I haven't done damage, because maybe I have and I just don't see it. But what if I haven't? What if I need them to accept me anyway? What if I need their kindness anyway?

Jules62

You don't suck.You remind me so much of myself a year ago. and look at me now-I'm possibly one of SR's listed serial relapses-LOL.I'm hardly an example to anyone.so please stop being so hard on yourself!

I've learned some things this past year though.I do GET not wanting it enough yet and I'm not judging you for it-at all!

It took me a year TSH.I think I do get it now-but only time will tell.But that's a year of sober/relapse/sober/relapse-and i'm not saying it has to be this way?I'm just saying that's how it was for me.

Just-don't give up okay?I know how hard it is but I also believe you can do it too.You'll get there.eventually you will want it that badly.In the meantime?Just stay here.We'll support you regardless.I thought I was hopeless once too.I thought I'd never get it-but I did.You will too.I believe that.

Julesxox

Jules62

P.S-just saw your latest post.I was the good wife/mother.I didn't think I'd done anything wrong either.But while I went through the motions?I was SO absent!Emotionally.I was drunk!I missed cues-I missed things I wouldn't have if I was sober.I didn't drive anywhere because I couldn't.I made dinner that were 'fine' but rather crappy in reality because I didn't care.I was trashed.I also neglected other things-but I can't talk about them here.

Superficially though?I was functioning perfectly.To me.But....they noticed.And it was going downhill.

I have to go for now-but I'll be back tomorrow.

Take care,

Julesxox

TryingSoHard

Thank you.

I hope that in the meantime you all WILL want me. WILL want to support me, WILL want to hug me, WILL want to watch me.

I hope that soon I will want it badly enough to quit. For them AND for me. But until then, I will be very thankful to have you all here for ME.

TryingSoHard

I honestly hope that's not the case with me, but I do recognize the fact that it is totally possible.

I try SO HARD to be there for everyone else. I try SO HARD for my teenager to not notice ( my youngest is not old enough to get it anyway, thankfully). I do my BEST each and every day for my husband to NOT have any reason to suspect me of anything.

I am probably stupid and irrational. If so, please tell me. Because no one in my family has and I need it pointed out to me. Otherwise, I try REALLY HARD. I swear I do.