New to forum. Question - re: Wife
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
New to forum. Question - re: Wife
Hi
This is my first post here. Don't yet know all the lingo, etc... I am home on a weekend pass from my first (hopefully only) 8 week rehab stay. I am a cross addicted alcoholic whose sober date is 9/14/08. I'll be discharged in about a week.
My wife and I have been married over 20 years, we are soulmates and are relationship is strong. She is not an alcoholic and she still enjoys one drink at the end of the night. She is happy with that. She does not understand the alcoholic brain...but she's trying, god bless her, and with all I've put her through.
How do I begin to discuss with her that her evening drink is kind of rough on me, maybe she could give me more time in sobriety before having any alcohol around? She's a caring, giving wife and mother of our children.
I am sure we can discuss this with my counsellor at the rehab, but I am interested in knowing if there is anything I can read about this, any posts? sites?
She's not ready for al-anon yet and if I push too hard she'll resent it. (not that she doesn't already have enough to be resentful for!!)
Thanx
This is my first post here. Don't yet know all the lingo, etc... I am home on a weekend pass from my first (hopefully only) 8 week rehab stay. I am a cross addicted alcoholic whose sober date is 9/14/08. I'll be discharged in about a week.
My wife and I have been married over 20 years, we are soulmates and are relationship is strong. She is not an alcoholic and she still enjoys one drink at the end of the night. She is happy with that. She does not understand the alcoholic brain...but she's trying, god bless her, and with all I've put her through.
How do I begin to discuss with her that her evening drink is kind of rough on me, maybe she could give me more time in sobriety before having any alcohol around? She's a caring, giving wife and mother of our children.
I am sure we can discuss this with my counsellor at the rehab, but I am interested in knowing if there is anything I can read about this, any posts? sites?
She's not ready for al-anon yet and if I push too hard she'll resent it. (not that she doesn't already have enough to be resentful for!!)
Thanx
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,777
Do you mean for her not to have that one drink? Or just not to have it around you? If I was your soulmate in a strong marriage of twenty years I'd want to help my hubby's recovery any way I could. Why would she resent AlAnon? And why would you have to 'push it' on her? I"m not understanding the whole story here so forgive me for asking all the questions.
I can only speak from the perspective of someone who (tho I'm single) would want only to help my 'partner's' recovery. I would just say: ask her straight up. "Would it bother you to not have your evening drink around me?" Or whatever you're going to ask of her - just ask it. If I were the wife I would try to accomodate my partner's needs to strengthen their sobriety.
Welcome to a great place for support and info!
I can only speak from the perspective of someone who (tho I'm single) would want only to help my 'partner's' recovery. I would just say: ask her straight up. "Would it bother you to not have your evening drink around me?" Or whatever you're going to ask of her - just ask it. If I were the wife I would try to accomodate my partner's needs to strengthen their sobriety.
Welcome to a great place for support and info!
I'm just a little unwell
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
Hi there! Welcome to SR, and congratulations on your sober time so far.
If you've been married for 20 years and think as highly of your wife as it sounds like you do, why not just be honest and upfront with her? You can be honest with her without sounding "accusatory" in any way, or anything else she might perceive as negative. If you're in rehab she obviously knows you have a problem... I think you should just tell her how you feel. "Honey, I know that you don't have the problem with alcohol that I do, but I DO have a problem, and my recovery is going to be an ongoing effort that affects us both, whether that seems fair or not. It would really help me A LOT if, at least for this early part of my recovery, we could keep the house alcohol-free."
Don't make it about HER. Keep it about YOU. Own your issues, and let her know how important her love and support is to you.
Al-Anon would probably be a huge benefit to her, even if she doesn't think so right now. Make sure she knows that she never has to speak if she doesn't want to - it's perfectly acceptable for her to just sit and listen. I think she might not realize how much it will help her to know others have been in her position and felt the way she feels until she hears it from THEM.
Best wishes for you both!
If you've been married for 20 years and think as highly of your wife as it sounds like you do, why not just be honest and upfront with her? You can be honest with her without sounding "accusatory" in any way, or anything else she might perceive as negative. If you're in rehab she obviously knows you have a problem... I think you should just tell her how you feel. "Honey, I know that you don't have the problem with alcohol that I do, but I DO have a problem, and my recovery is going to be an ongoing effort that affects us both, whether that seems fair or not. It would really help me A LOT if, at least for this early part of my recovery, we could keep the house alcohol-free."
Don't make it about HER. Keep it about YOU. Own your issues, and let her know how important her love and support is to you.
Al-Anon would probably be a huge benefit to her, even if she doesn't think so right now. Make sure she knows that she never has to speak if she doesn't want to - it's perfectly acceptable for her to just sit and listen. I think she might not realize how much it will help her to know others have been in her position and felt the way she feels until she hears it from THEM.
Best wishes for you both!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Tahoe CA
Posts: 1,098
Hi Cubile75 - Welcome to the SR Forum. Sounds like you are doing really well
in your own recovery.
I too am single so I don't have any recent experiences to share about the questions you are asking. I agree with least however, why not just ask your wife not to drink around you for awhile until you feel stronger and more grounded in your recovery. Also I think it is a great idea to have a session with your wife and your counselor about your concerns. Hey that is what treatment is for. I think it is important to use every single tool available to you while you are there.
Keep posting. Hope to get to know you better.
in your own recovery.
I too am single so I don't have any recent experiences to share about the questions you are asking. I agree with least however, why not just ask your wife not to drink around you for awhile until you feel stronger and more grounded in your recovery. Also I think it is a great idea to have a session with your wife and your counselor about your concerns. Hey that is what treatment is for. I think it is important to use every single tool available to you while you are there.
Keep posting. Hope to get to know you better.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Indpls. IN
Posts: 11
I have the same problem. I am a recovering addict and my boyfriend drinks. I was recently released, August 18th, and don't want this to interfer with my sobriety. Most advise that people give me is...you can't change him, and things like that. I don't want to change him, I just want him to respect me in my sobriety. The thing is if they love us then they'll do what it takes to help us stay clean and sober.
I'm just a little unwell
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
Least asked some of the questions I was thinking but didn't type. 
LOL!!
FYI, my husband voluntarily offered to get rid of all the booze in the house and quit drinking around me as soon as I was honest with him about my problem. That was a HUGE load off my shoulders. I was going to ask him if we could keep the alcohol in the (locked) liquor cabinet upstairs - and him put the keys in a secret place, and I was NOT going to ask him to stop drinking, just because I didn't think it was fair of me to ask that of him. So it was a huge relief to me when he thought of it all on his own and very willingly said, "I'll do whatever I can to make this easier on you and to support you. I just want you to get well."
I would imagine your wife will probably be much more willing to help keep you sober than you might expect. Good luck, and keep coming back!
LOL!!FYI, my husband voluntarily offered to get rid of all the booze in the house and quit drinking around me as soon as I was honest with him about my problem. That was a HUGE load off my shoulders. I was going to ask him if we could keep the alcohol in the (locked) liquor cabinet upstairs - and him put the keys in a secret place, and I was NOT going to ask him to stop drinking, just because I didn't think it was fair of me to ask that of him. So it was a huge relief to me when he thought of it all on his own and very willingly said, "I'll do whatever I can to make this easier on you and to support you. I just want you to get well."
I would imagine your wife will probably be much more willing to help keep you sober than you might expect. Good luck, and keep coming back!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Being on home pass and the rehab being some distance, this conversation that we must have is proving elusive, what with kids, her work, etc...
I wanted to go out to dinner tonight and talk about it before she sat down with her glass of wine at the end of the night, but she had to stay late at the office. So when that time came around, she detected that I was uncomfortable and asked if she should go into the other room. I said, well this is really hard for me, and she did.
We tried to talk about it some when we went to bed. I think there is ALOT of buried resentment surrounding my alcoholism and the rehab stay that will take a long time to work out. She has sacrificed ALOT for my rehab and it is costing us ALOT - insurance covered only half of the eight weeks and we are self employed with a disability policy that will not cover my stay.
She doesn't understand why, since my disease will kill me, I don't just stop drinking and move on. She doesn't yet understand these urges, heck I don't. I can't just stuff them and expect to be OK.
I think that this will work out, she'll help me anyway she can. She just doesn't know how yet.
I wanted to go out to dinner tonight and talk about it before she sat down with her glass of wine at the end of the night, but she had to stay late at the office. So when that time came around, she detected that I was uncomfortable and asked if she should go into the other room. I said, well this is really hard for me, and she did.
We tried to talk about it some when we went to bed. I think there is ALOT of buried resentment surrounding my alcoholism and the rehab stay that will take a long time to work out. She has sacrificed ALOT for my rehab and it is costing us ALOT - insurance covered only half of the eight weeks and we are self employed with a disability policy that will not cover my stay.
She doesn't understand why, since my disease will kill me, I don't just stop drinking and move on. She doesn't yet understand these urges, heck I don't. I can't just stuff them and expect to be OK.
I think that this will work out, she'll help me anyway she can. She just doesn't know how yet.
I'm just a little unwell
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
Originally Posted by Cubile75 
We tried to talk about it some when we went to bed. I think there is ALOT of buried resentment surrounding my alcoholism and the rehab stay that will take a long time to work out.
She doesn't understand why, since my disease will kill me, I don't just stop drinking and move on. She doesn't yet understand these urges, heck I don't. I can't just stuff them and expect to be OK.
I think that this will work out, she'll help me anyway she can. She just doesn't know how yet.
She doesn't understand why, since my disease will kill me, I don't just stop drinking and move on. She doesn't yet understand these urges, heck I don't. I can't just stuff them and expect to be OK.
I think that this will work out, she'll help me anyway she can. She just doesn't know how yet.
Alcoholism is "cunning, baffling, and powerful", and those who do not suffer from it just plain and simple can not understand it. They need to LEARN about it so that they can then make informed decisions and help themselves to heal and move on in a healthy manner.
Try to enjoy your home time. Finish out your rehab, then sit down for a good old fashioned heart-to-heart.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Thanx - I will follow your suggestions
It's just sad right now. Even after all these years, and all that's happened, we still really enjoy each other's company, and with me clean and sober it's going to be so much better. And for tonight (well, last nite now) I guess I need to remember "Easy Does It..."
It's just sad right now. Even after all these years, and all that's happened, we still really enjoy each other's company, and with me clean and sober it's going to be so much better. And for tonight (well, last nite now) I guess I need to remember "Easy Does It..."
I'm just a little unwell
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
Exactly. Baby steps! Get past the first "baby step" (rehab) before you try to tackle the next one. You're on the right track!! And you're right... things will be BETTER with you sober and healthier.
Baby steps! Get past the first "baby step" (rehab) before you try to tackle the next one. You're on the right track!! And you're right... things will be BETTER with you sober and healthier.
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