Searching80

Hi all...wish I could have come up with some witty title, but I guess that's not really important.

I found these forums today while searching for some kind of help strategies online this morning, after waking up to yet another all too familiar, depressing moment of realizing that alcohol's superhuman grip proved too strong for me again last night.

I am very tired of it, and just really want advice from people who've done it. To me the most ironic part of this disease is that I bet most folks who've never suffered from it think we alcoholics (or recovering ones) love alcohol. Quite the contrary. I hate it and its grip on me. If it were something I could just smash so that it would once and for all leave me the hell alone, I would. I despise what it has done and continues to do to me. But that language makes it sound like I blame alcohol entirely--I do not. I realize my own culpability in my struggles with this. Just want to be clear there.

At times I've kicked it for a bit. I just need some help or tips on how to make that permanent, on how to tell myself no when those evenings roll around and it's "drinking time."

I'd be happy to give more background info if people want that. The short, short version is I realize I've basically been an alcoholic for the better part of a decade. When I drink, I drink myself into an absolute mess. Rarely do the brakes come on before I've drank enough for three people, done something stupid, and doomed myself to another--it's an endless, self-feeding cycle--depressing "next day" where I feel totally shutdown and of very little worth. I feel nothing but depressed and powerless the next day. The "next day" is always the worst part, and I'd bet a lot of you can relate. I'm very sick of waking up wondering what I did, what I said, how I hurt my girlfriend's feelings, and so on.

In my head there can be no debate about the negative effects alcohol has had on my life. The list is long, and sad to think about. It has hurt my career, my education, my family, my wonderful and amazing girlfriend, and my own happiness so many times that I've simply lost count. I know, absolutely know that my drinking has reached the point of slow, deliberate suicide. I do not write that line lightly; in fact, reading it made me tear up a bit. But I need to be honest or I cannot get the help to move on.

I'm here to stop lying to everyone and myself, and drop the damn pride (sorry for my language there, but I'm finding this rant/release quite cathartic as I write it) and just ask people for help. That's what I'm here to ask. For that and for general strategies to be more positive about life.

I thank you all for listening.

- I don't want to share my name, but I will say that I am a man in my late-twenties from New York.

ImJulie

Hi man-in-late-20's-from-NY.

Im happy you found your way here.
:ghug

Toomutch

Welcome searching.
Glad you are here...
Keep posting, you will find a great deal of support at SR.

Searching80

Hi Julie, and thank you. : )

I'm sorry for not wanting to share my real name, but I've had experiences before with mistakenly sharing too much personal information on the internet and having people use it to hurt or embarrass me. My first name is not common, so sharing it might be all they need to link this to me. Some people are just really cruel, I guess.

But on a more positive note just writing my introduction and story feels like a bit of a load has been removed. I think tonight I'll try to take "drinking time" and make it into "gym time." That's one of the things that seems to help me.

Thanks for your reply!

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I do understand your love/hate relationship with alcohol. For me, I turned to alcohol at a time in my life when depression and anxiety were overwhelming, and briefly, it helped me. But, before I blinked, I was hooked and couldn't/wouldn't get away from it. And, it's such a viscious cycle.

My suggestion is that you will need to make some changes in your life. I had to get rid of a few people in my life and I couldn't be around alcohol at all, for quite awhile. It was just too stressful. There are often hard choices to make in early recovery, but know that you can do it, and that it's worth the effort.

ImJulie

Dont you worry one little bit about not wanting to share your name.
NOBODY here will be offended, I guarantee you.

Katecan

Welcome Searching. It's nice to meat you.

Searching80

Toomutch, Anna and Kate...thanks for taking the time to read and reply.

Anna I think you're right on when you call it a love/hate thing. It definitely seems to be. I definitely need to make some changes and get more positive. Your tips are very much appreciated.

warrens

Searching

Welcome! You have found a great place to share and work toward wholeness. There is nothing atypical about your story. Most of us could have written it.

But you come here with honesty and insight and genuine desire. Not everyone does. Thus, you begin with a great advantage. I hope you will visit and share frequently. You will soon have many friends.

warren

1963comet

Hi and Welcome

I felt like you do when I quit drinking. Woke up one day and said to myself "Why am I so self destructive"??? Felt like I was slowing killing myself.

But it was at that point that I wanted to change my life. It has been over 7 years now since I had a drink. And I would not change a thing today.

At the end of my drinking I hated alcohol to. I guess I still pretty much hate it today. I am taking that as a good thing for me. Hope it never looks good again for me.

Glad you are here Mr. NY

Katecan

Your welcome. I said "meat you", hang on, I'll get the BBQ sauce. Sorry! sheesh, guess I'm hungry.

least

I'm glad you found us! Strength in numbers, I say! Everyone here has been helpful to me in achieving my 19 days sober - the longest period in a year. Keep coming back and share as much as you like. Don't worry about your name - we're all having the same struggles as you are, your name doesn't matter. What's important is that you are here.:ghug3

Searching80

Hey thanks Warrens and Comet. Yes I agree that there seems to be so much similarity in the stories when you talk to others who've struggled with this. And Comet, you helped me say what I was trying to say. I think alcohol is a love/hate thing until you get to a point where you pretty much only hate it. Or at least to where the "love" for it is all but gone.

Speaking of the shared, common threads that run through the stories of those who struggle with alcohol addiction - there's a great song by the Gin Blossoms ( the band member who wrote it was an alcoholic who ultimately ended his own life ) called "Hold Me Down." When I hear/read the lyrics, it's like it could be my own story. Amazing.

"So I guess I must have been dreaming, when I thought I heard myself say no" is how it opens. Man, I bet we all know how that feels.

Thanks again all! Have to work for a bit, but I'm definitely going to check back in here later.

Searching80

:rof

Hey don't worry...I made my own typo when I said I'm in need "if" your help in my thread title.

Katecan

Oh ya. lol Have a great day Searching.

Searching80

Thanks Least!

Yes that sad feeling of "I don't want to do this but here I go again" is what I need to beat for good.

I'm with 'ya man...day 1 here. Congrats on going 10 days...in this battle that is an accomplishment for sure!

BrixtonBear

Hi Searching80,

Welcome! I'm quite new around here too. I think SR is a great place. Today I am 16 days old in my new sober life - the longest period I've gone without alcohol for 13 years. It's only been possible because of coming here to SR - there's lots of great support and encouragement here. Glad you're here. Please keep posting!

All best wishes
PB