Hi and Welcome,
I do understand your love/hate relationship with alcohol. For me, I turned to alcohol at a time in my life when depression and anxiety were overwhelming, and briefly, it helped me. But, before I blinked, I was hooked and couldn't/wouldn't get away from it. And, it's such a viscious cycle.
My suggestion is that you will need to make some changes in your life. I had to get rid of a few people in my life and I couldn't be around alcohol at all, for quite awhile. It was just too stressful. There are often hard choices to make in early recovery, but know that you can do it, and that it's worth the effort.