Confused757

Hi all.

I only joined this group yesterday & this morning I got some interesting news from my dad. My husband who is still in New Orleans with the USMC (I'm in Va w/our 2 girls) got arrested last night while with my brother & another Marine. Apparently, they went out to dinner where my husband wanted a bloody mary but my brother told him no. He had one anyway & then a beer. They left (my husband was driving) when a cop pulled up behind him because my husband was speeding. Instead of stopping, he floored it with my brother & the other guy yelling at him to stop. He yelled at my brother to grab the wheel before letting go & taking his pants & boots off throwing them out of the window. He was going about 140mph. He slammed on the brakes, then went in the other direction to a trailor park where he jumped out & ran from the cops. They tackled him & arrested him.

He just got out of in-patient rehab on the 4th of this month for alcoholism & I hate to say it, but I knew he would fail. I didn't tell him that, but I've been married to him for 5 yrs. I know how he is. I also recieved this email from him this morning...

"i just got arrested and jeff in plaquenines parish. i ran from the sirens cause i am scared of the cops out here. they beat my ass!!!! no charges yet. jeff is talking to them now and i am on threir computr. becky, iwill die 1 day but before that, i love u"

*He hasn't said I love you to me in months*

I want so badly to tell him exactly how I feel but I also want him to get better & me yelling at him again would not be a good thing. But, honestly he's a huge disappointment & I hate him for doing this to me & the girls. I hate the fact that this is who they have as a father. It's really sad & they deserve so much better.

Becky

gypsytears

Hi and welcome to the forum Confused757 . I hope you find some support here... it's important for your own piece of mind.

I'm sorry you have to go through this with your husband. It must be difficult enough being a military wife without him having a drinking problem + being far away. Maybe this might be the wake up call he needs though to get on the road to recovery? I don't know if yelling at him will do any good but it might make you feel better.

Tazman53

Becky I am sorry you are in this boat, I highly reccommend 2 things:

1. Go to Alanon, these are folks who have been right where you are at now and can help you find ways to deal with this, your focus now needs to be on you and your kids getting through this.

2. Since your husband is in the Marines I would suggest also seeing your base Chaplain, I am sure the Corp has things in place to help you and your children as well and your base Chaplain will be able to guide you in this..

Make you and your kids your number one priority.

In regards to you husband....... well he is going to need to make his self and his sobriety his number one priority, he needs to deal with himself and the consequences of his latest actions.

Confused757

I plan on going to Al-Anon but unfortunately, all of the local meetings so far have been on nights that I have to work.

The deal with the Marines is that they almost kicked him out twice because of his drinking & unautherized use of the gov't travel card. He already had his last day of work but is still technically in the Corps until the 18th of this month.

Yes, telling him how I feel would make me feel GREAT! I know that my girls & I deserve so much better. No one can change my husband but him & so far, he doesn't seem to care too much about anything. I am really disgusted with him. More than ever now.

Becky

MagicMan08

I can only see it from the persons side doing the relapsing...it hurts us too. But this disease is crazy. My ex simply said, I am yours if you don't drink, if you do, I am gone. 3 relapses later....and all kind of other crap....she left me. I am hurting to this day....

Confused757

I'm sorry that you're hurting, Magic. But I have to ask you, did that help you in any way? I know it sounds cruel but I want my husband to hurt after putting me & our girls through all that he has for the past 5 yrs. I want him to see that he had a family who loved him. I want him to miss us & I want him to really trully hurt. To feel what I felt every night he was out at a bar & not home with us. I want him to feel like I did on the night of our last anniversary when he spent it at a bar & didn't come home until 5:30am.
After hearing what I heard this morning, I hate him so much right now & I don't want to support him anymore because I don't believe that he will ever stop drinking. He had just sent me an email yesterday saying that he was going to get a job (after the Marines), go to college & get better for his family. Yet, another lie.

Becky

Missymae737

Hi Becky,

If it will make you feel better, tell him how you feel...I am sure he knows how you feel but maybe he needs to hear it from you.

Thinking of you...

Tazman53

Becky except for short term satisfaction what purpose will it serve for you grind salt into his wounds? I am not saying you are wrong for feeling the way you do right now, your not!

What I am trying to say is what good will it do you and your kids to give him the hell he so rightly deserves? You may say something you will regret later, let the dog sleep.

I have been where he is at, trust me when I say there is probably not one thing you can say to him that he has not said to himself already. I have been in his shoes, I hated myself and every thing I had done. The best thing you can do for him is to let him wallow in his own misery.

Hon you need to focus on your recovery for the sake of your children and your self. Sitting around filling your self full of hate for him and his actions will lead you to nothing!

You really need to work on getting past getting revenge and focus on taking care of you and the kids.

First things first is going to be seeing that chaplain ASAP, you need to find out what the Marines can do for you and your family as far as relocation and the like. You really should focus on that right now the 18th is coming very soon!!!

Look once you can PM which I think takes 5 posts send me a PM, there may be something my wife and I can assist in, maybe not, but we live in Fredericksburg and may be able to help you all out in some manner.

See the Chaplian now, please.

wooforever

Becky,

It is not good for you to hold in how you feel. You have to tell him even if it is an email. If you do not feel like telling him then write it down and get it out of your system. Holding in how you feel and the anger is not good for the sole. Who cares if he is going to get hurt by it, this could be the wake up call and make him see he really needs to get help for himself.

ImJulie

I was married to a chronic relapser for 8 years. I know how tough it is.
Something I learned to do that helped me alot was to "hate the addiction...not the addict".I hated everything his addiction brought into our home. It ruined our family, our finances, our trust. It ruined everything.

You didnt cause it, you cant control it and you cant cure it.
You can only take care of you.:praying

Confused757

Oh wow! They are talking about alcoholics on The View right now! Weird....

Anyway, right now the girls & I are living with my parents & I have started working part-time. (Hubby didn't want me to work when I was with him so I didn't) I have to say that I am much happier here with them than I was with him although there is obviously that anger & hurt still there.
I thought that by supporting him & letting him know that I was here for him even from states away that it would help. I wanted him to know that I wasn't that evil person he always said I was & that I'm not the reason for all of this (he always blamed me). But you all are right. I need to let him deal with himself & I need to work on me. I thought he hit his rock bottom earlier in the year, but I was wrong.
I am also thinking that maybe I should just cut ties with him altogether. By this, I mean not answering his calls or returning them. Not sending emails, etc... I have given up this time. I thought I had before but had a change of thought for some dumb reason. Now, I know I was right. I should have stuck with my gut!

Becky

Anna

Hi Becky,

Taking care of yourself and your children is the priority.

I think there is very little you could say to your husband that he hasn't already said to himself. In my opinion, no contact is the way to go.

Tazman53

Becky if this is it, you may want to talk to a lawyer and get things in writing, because legally he can come and get the kids any time he wants to right now.

Confused757

I spoke to a lawyer about a month ago & I cannot file for seperation until we have lived here 6 mos in a row or when my husband moves back here. So, I have to wait until June before I can do anything legally. As far as the girls, I know he can see them & that's fine. But I will be there when he does.

Some back story on why I went to a lawyer... He sent me seperation papers in Feb (that he printed off line & the lawyer I took them too said not to sign them) He told me only yesterday that he sent them because he was tired of me griping at him for the life he thought he wanted & that he saw that I was happy here & thought I would be better off without him.

Becky

Tazman53

Becky is he coming back?

Confused757

I don't know. He's told me that he was before. Then, he said his councelor told him he shouldn't be here (Va) because his uncle is here & he drinks too (and smokes weed). So, my husband said that he wants to go to Florida where his "foundation" is (his rehab was there) & stay at a halfway house, work & go to school.

He's also been emailing 2 other women (one of them he met in rehab). He told one yesterday that he can't wait to get to Fl. That he is working out, is tanning, got a new tattoo & his nipple pierced. He also sent her a picture. But, he didn't tell me those things or send me any pictures. He's MY husband. I have HIS children & yet I'm the last to know anything. I don't even know why he sent me the last email about him dying one day & "I love you."

Oh. I forgot to mention he also has PTSD from his childhood (abused by his step-mom from 6 yrs on & his mother left him at 6 yrs old) & he's threatened suicide several times before.

Becky

gypsytears

I don't know about how it is in Va but here in NJ if you're not physically together the children are entitled to child support and he is allowed visitation. Is he still taking care of the children? You may want to ask a lawyer about visitation and custody now even if you haven't filed yet.

reed

Run.

BUTTERFLY-7

Confused757I'm about what you and your little Girls are Facing But If is of any comfort I'm going to let you in on something that I'm pretty sure you already probably heard, "Listen Things Happened for a reason we mite not understand at the Present moment because we are all clodded up with so much grief, and Pain, and overwhelmness, and physical, mentally, emotionally, and spiritual tiredness, that we can't comprehend the Big Why?"Why me," everything works for a reason, and I know this is the last thing you want to hear, and It's O.K. I could understand you Trust me, and if you can't bring your self to even continuing to read this I understand, just breath in, and out, and when you are ready you could finish reading it, in the last thread I remember following up about your situation and now this is the out come, but Remember Be careful for what you "Might Wish" for cause you might just get it, what I'm trying to say is that we might not had told the Man above to make it Go away, but with our energy's, and Thinking, the Universe Holds us Responsible for what at that Moment in our state of Mind, and Emotions, are sending out It's and Energy We as Humans Have, We are actually Spiritual Beings, Living Human Experiences, so you see Dear the Universe It's Working in your Behalf, But not the way we "Humans Think" it will be Done, but the way It Has to Be Done, so your Husband could Face once more Hes Down fall, and at the same time to keep him from Harms way, or from Harming, or hurting himself, or any one else, It's weird How Life Teaches us Our Lessons of Life But Hey It could of Been Worse, Please by any means Cry if you must, scream if you have to, Talk about It, but Remember,The Universe It's Depending on you to Trust, and Believe, and most of all Have "Faith,"Let Go and Let God.Bless& B-Bless

Confused757

I spoke with him tonight when I returned his phone call after I got home from work. I had to ask him, because I had always had the feeling, if he had done anything that I didn't know about. He admitted to a lot! He has had sex with 3 women, almost had sex with one (was half naked in the passenger seat of my car & if my brother hadn't drove up beside them, would have had sex with her too), received oral sex from another, only kissed one girl a few seperate times & liked another one. This was a lot to hear!
He read a lot to me from his AA book which he said helped him a lot. He told me that he loves me so much & that the alcoholism started after he had sex with the 1st girl right after we got married. He said he felt so guilty that he kept drinking, treated me bad & was with more women. He said that he couldn't face me, hated that I was so nice to him, hated when I said he was perfect & called him "the best." He didn't want to be around me because of what HE did.
I cried on the phone although I tried not too. It's disgusting what he did. He said that everything he's done has hurt him more than he hurt me. He said beiing an alcoholic hurts so bad & is very hard. He opened up more than he has the entire time I've ever known him. He said he brought his childhood up a lot (not a good one) because he could talk about that to me & not about the real problem which was the cheating.
He said he wasn't ready to tell me all of that yet even though he had said it many times to other people in rehab. He wasn't ready to hear me hear that. He said he'll make amends to me, but not now. He has to start his 12 steps over. I told him not to drink again because of tonight. I feel better that I know. He said he doesn't. It didn't help him & that he wanted to get wasted. I thought he was being sarcastic, but he said he wasn't & that he isn't going to drink. The halfway house where he will be staying had been calling his other line so he was going to call them when he got off the phone with me.

Sorry so long!
Becky