I need some guidance
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 521
I need some guidance
Ok, Im going to be more open than usual. This is pretty hard...so bear with me please.
Ive been on the look-out for a sponsor. Because Im a woman, Ive been looking for another woman since that seems to be one of the unspoken "rules".
Heres my trouble: I dont trust women.
My marriage broke up because my ex-husband, while doing the step that requires you make ammends, confessed that he had an affair....with my mother.
~~gulp~~ I know, sounds too Jerry Springer-ish to be true doesnt it?
I cant believe thats part of my history. Im disgusted and appalled that its part of my history.
Besides the affair with my mother, he had many other affairs....with women who became my friends. Women who were in the program. I felt like such a stupid idiot after I found out what was really going on right under my nose.
Now...I want to work the steps, I want to study the big book....I want sobriety....but the only people I have felt safe talking to are men.
There is a man in the program who has many years of sobriety and I feel a special spiritual connection to. I want him to be my sponsor.
But I havent asked because of the male-female thing.
I dont know if I should just keep looking.....I just dont know.
Any thoughts?
Ive been on the look-out for a sponsor. Because Im a woman, Ive been looking for another woman since that seems to be one of the unspoken "rules".
Heres my trouble: I dont trust women.
My marriage broke up because my ex-husband, while doing the step that requires you make ammends, confessed that he had an affair....with my mother.
~~gulp~~ I know, sounds too Jerry Springer-ish to be true doesnt it?
I cant believe thats part of my history. Im disgusted and appalled that its part of my history.
Besides the affair with my mother, he had many other affairs....with women who became my friends. Women who were in the program. I felt like such a stupid idiot after I found out what was really going on right under my nose.
Now...I want to work the steps, I want to study the big book....I want sobriety....but the only people I have felt safe talking to are men.
There is a man in the program who has many years of sobriety and I feel a special spiritual connection to. I want him to be my sponsor.
But I havent asked because of the male-female thing.
I dont know if I should just keep looking.....I just dont know.
Any thoughts?
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,783
Perhaps you could talk to this man and explain, vaguely, why you trust men more than women. I know it seems to be a rule in aa but perhaps your unusual circumstances warrant that the rules be bent a bit. Ask him and see what his reaction is. CAn't hurt to ask.
It would seem that the women he had affairs with who were "in the program" weren't THAT much into the program or they wouldn't have been behaving so poorly. That kind of behavior goes against everything in the steps. Good luck to you.:ghug3
It would seem that the women he had affairs with who were "in the program" weren't THAT much into the program or they wouldn't have been behaving so poorly. That kind of behavior goes against everything in the steps. Good luck to you.:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
+ 1 sugErspun.
It's not a hard and fast rule. I've seen a few ooposite sex sponsor/sponsees.
I wouldn't let it stop you from working the steps. That should be your main focus right now. Use a temporary sponsor if you have to.
Lastly, just to let you know you're not alone, or different.......
My best friend slept with my Mom !
It's not a hard and fast rule. I've seen a few ooposite sex sponsor/sponsees.
I wouldn't let it stop you from working the steps. That should be your main focus right now. Use a temporary sponsor if you have to.
Lastly, just to let you know you're not alone, or different.......
My best friend slept with my Mom !
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Hi Julie,
I can understand how you feel like you don't trust women, but I can't offer any advice about the sponsor issue.
What I can tell you is that I never had women friends before I began recovery. I think I felt competitive with and inferior to other women and rarely liked them. I preferred men for friends. But, in early recovery, after removing a few toxic people from my life, two amazing women 'appeared'. I connected with both of them on a deep spiritual level and became close friends. Ironically, both of them have since died, but they continue to guide me.
I can understand how you feel like you don't trust women, but I can't offer any advice about the sponsor issue.
What I can tell you is that I never had women friends before I began recovery. I think I felt competitive with and inferior to other women and rarely liked them. I preferred men for friends. But, in early recovery, after removing a few toxic people from my life, two amazing women 'appeared'. I connected with both of them on a deep spiritual level and became close friends. Ironically, both of them have since died, but they continue to guide me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 521
Thankyou guys for the help.
I think maybe I will tell this man my story and see what he thinks. I just hate telling that story though...its gross. Weird, huh? Its not my sin....yet I feel ashamed and guilty that it is part of my past.
I guess Im as sick as my secrets....and Ive held that one for a long time!
I think maybe I will tell this man my story and see what he thinks. I just hate telling that story though...its gross. Weird, huh? Its not my sin....yet I feel ashamed and guilty that it is part of my past.
I guess Im as sick as my secrets....and Ive held that one for a long time!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
You've gotten a lot of good suggestions here.....and your idea of speaking with this man sounds like a good one to me.....but then I've had both a male and a female sponsor....go figure.....
You're right.........it's NOT your sin; I understand your feelings, but you were/are NOT guilty, and have nothing for which to be ashamed.
One thing did catch my eye, tho.....I don't know whether your ex-husband was working the steps with a sponsor, but if so, it would appear to me he had a very poor one....
The step that involves amends states that we make direct amends to such people (those we have harmed) wherever possible, EXCEPT when to do so would injure them or OTHERS (and YOU would fall into that latter category)...shame on him.....and his sponsor too....
But it does sound like you're well rid of him.....and all his affairs.... (o: Now you can work on YOU (the most important person in your life.
Give the 'thing' with women some time.....I never put much stock in women, even being one myself.....but with time I've found some good ones.....as the saying goes......: my picker got better (and I picked better folks for my recovery/sobriety/support circle).......I believe you'll find the same.... (o:
NoelleR
You're right.........it's NOT your sin; I understand your feelings, but you were/are NOT guilty, and have nothing for which to be ashamed.
One thing did catch my eye, tho.....I don't know whether your ex-husband was working the steps with a sponsor, but if so, it would appear to me he had a very poor one....
The step that involves amends states that we make direct amends to such people (those we have harmed) wherever possible, EXCEPT when to do so would injure them or OTHERS (and YOU would fall into that latter category)...shame on him.....and his sponsor too....
But it does sound like you're well rid of him.....and all his affairs.... (o: Now you can work on YOU (the most important person in your life.
Give the 'thing' with women some time.....I never put much stock in women, even being one myself.....but with time I've found some good ones.....as the saying goes......: my picker got better (and I picked better folks for my recovery/sobriety/support circle).......I believe you'll find the same.... (o:
NoelleR
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
i have to say, as a man in recovery, the one that showed me the gifts of spirituality, was a women!
grateful to her...
also, at the time when i was looking for a new sponsor, i was given the hairy eyeball because i wanted her to be my sponsor, i was 51, she was 78...!
motives were in order...
as i know now, the roots of A.A.
it did not matter who sponsored who!
recovery from subsances, from dopey thinking, and a spiritual path was what, and does matter...
grateful to her...
also, at the time when i was looking for a new sponsor, i was given the hairy eyeball because i wanted her to be my sponsor, i was 51, she was 78...!
motives were in order...
as i know now, the roots of A.A.
it did not matter who sponsored who!
recovery from subsances, from dopey thinking, and a spiritual path was what, and does matter...
Today's Muse
Join Date: May 2007
Location: West end
Posts: 1,081
I wouldn't advise it. I had a very bad experience with a male sponsor. There is a reason why they recommend men with men and woman with woman. I know, my experience doesn't mean that all male/female sponsorship will be bad, but how can you really tell what someone else's motives really are? I thought I knew, but was way off base. I was interested in sobriety, but he was interested in much more. My judgment was marred because I was still in a fog, but I was definitely being played, manipulated and boundaries were crossed. Fortunately, I was smart enough to nip it in the bud, but the results could have reeked havoc on my sobriety. Good luck...
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
women not trusting other women is a fairly common thing in AA,and I believe it is a part of our illness..I would suggest you get a woman sponsor.I know a great AA lady in Ottawa.I don`t know where in Canada you are,if you are close to her or not. If you need help,she will help you.
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