StandFast

Hello everyone. Today is day 30 for me. But my question to you all out there is how big of a change did you feel from here to 90 days.

I am up and down which every one tells me is normal.

What is not normal imho is the double messages that I am hearing; on one side is my relationahips with my hp and related spiritual leaders. They have a message of triumph, overcoming obstacles, turning the things we can't control over to God but a winning and hope attitude.

On the other hand my aa cohorts keep reminding me how hard is too stay sober, how painful it is, and how utterly impossible and fruitless it will be to improve your situation while y1ou are in early stages of sobriety.

I am sorry, but that doesn't put food on the table nor tide for the future.
I did not agree to put my career on hold while I plod thru the steps (on my sponser'schedule). I am 30 days sober and have not worked any steps except in my head.

I feel that my relationship with Jesus is for the first time in my life,real. I feel totally okay with putting my situation in God's hands.

I believe that God and that relationship are the keys (not the only thing as I still need my meetings - not dening that) to avoiding relapse.

I am frustrated with my situation, I dont have much time, and I belive that I can turn my situation around - Which is the incorrect thouht pattern. - okay I get it - my life is unmanagealbe. I am giving it over to God- What am I supposted to do? Stop trying , stop striving?.

And my spiritual leaders are instructing me that God wants me to be happy, Christ like, abundant while I live out his purpose / plan for me.

Maybe it is God's plan to withold the abundance until I prove my ability to manage those recsources more responsibly.

If I told you the details I think that you would see that God has lead me to this spot; 14 months w/o smoking cigs, 30 days w/o booze. I will not drink today and not drinking will not be my main objective in life. I will get my finances in order. I will get a new job. I will get a customer this week for my business. I will think positive and be the person that God intended me to be.

I just think that people in my aa meetings are bit to doom and gloom. I think and I could be wrong that they are making it harder (brainwashing) to never drink that maybe it is for me otherwise.

IF this sounds stupid and rediculous to you , I am sorry that you wasted your time.
If on the other hand you have one ioda of how to suppress this crazinees do tell.

Thank You

least

I wish I could tell you what to do and when to do it. I have no clue. I've been trying to live my life "sober" but found out, today, that I was no match for the cravings.... I'm afraid of trying over again tomorrow, as all the info I've rec'd so far says that if I can't make it this far, so much for my efforts. I'm afraid of trying again as I was told that withdrawal is only worse the more you try it... well I've tried and failed too many times this year. Have I worn out my welcome sofar??? Aren't I one of the "failed experienments?. I've done with asking forgiveness. I'm a loser, I'm used to that. God doesn't care for us "losers". he wants winners, finally. I'm not one of those...I'm ashamed to be posting here at all, seeing as how I had accumulated ELEVEN DAYS of sobriety up up until now. I'm ashamed of having to admit defeat. when does this end?? I'm sick of being on the losing team...

StandFast

hi least:

I am definetly not an expert on sobriety. But you are here and that puts you in a different league, and imho a much higher one, that all those still out there without a clue (I was part of that team 11 weeks ago).

I quit for 28 days on my own and then went out of my way to find old friends and places that made it a natural to pick up.

I have been going to meetings the last 30 and this was one of keys to success (finding my hp another). The first time I used was 3 glasses of Wine which ordinarily would do nothing. The next day I was a mess, I felt it. I didn't want to live like this anymore so when I got back I stopped, picked up again and found the same result.

I have come to surrender and realize that drinking will never make anything better. I can never go back to the way it was and maybe that is what you are experieincing as well.

You know, before I finally but the nicotine down for the last time, I failed twice before (in the same 6 month period).

Point is, as long as you don't quit you are not a loser. You just having a bumpy recovery - which is the norm from what I hear in the meetings.

Perhaps we both need to focus in on the gentler way of life that sobriety gives us.

I hope you find peace, love and happiness in your life. But remember, we need to love ourselves and God first.

Anna

Standfast,

I agree with you that you cannot put everything in your life on hold while you are recovering. At the same time, I believe recovery has to be a priority.

I am not an AA person, but I do focus on recovery every day. When I first stopped drinking I made a long-distance move because of my husband's job. It turned out to be a good thing for me. In the first few weeks of sobriety I was trying to get my bearings and read a lot. I realized I needed more in my life than focusing on me and my recovery. Since I didn't speak the language in the place we had moved to, I couldn't work and fortunately was 'led' to a fantastic volunteer opportunity. I thought I could give something back to the community and it turned out that I received far more than I could give. I guess my point is, that it was all about recovery, my recovery, in the broad sense of the word.

reed

Standfast,

Sometimes I think it is a good idea not to look into some things too deeply. Try to let recovery come naturally to you (if that even sounds rite), just stay sober. There is so much in life to question and ponder. AA can go deep spiritually, use the tools provided that apply to your life at the moment. Use certain tools to maintain sobriety and strive for your goals in all aspects of your life.

nogard

We got sick one day at a time and guess what we get well one day at a time. I didn't wake up on a specific day and go wow I'm done life is now great!

It takes time. Try asking your sponsor why they won't start taking you through the steps.

Try other meetings, they differ a lot. I go to meetings with a strong message and not with continous drugalogs.

Staying sober/clean is great, working a program is great. Day by Day we get well. Plan for the future and live in the day.

Kevin

gravity

Hi StandFast,

I'm at 98 days sober and am using the AA program for the first time. I go to two meetings per week (career, small kids to consider), I'm on step 8, and talk to my sponsor once or twice a week.

I do know what you mean about the doom & gloom but I would say it's about 50/50 with positive messages in the meetings I attend. Focus on your own recovery - AA is a positive program. I know I shouldn't 'take peoples inventory' but I sometimes think that some people just don't get what AA is about - angry, self-centered, petty shares. But hey! If it keeps them sober it's alright by me.

One thing that my sponsor told me early on is that what life throws at you is not going to get any better but how you react will. I have to agree. As I work through the steps, I am now able to forgive myself (way less guilt), can better identify why I feel the way I do, can identify what I can & can't do (turn it over to the Creator) in a given tough situation, and I have the Creators guidance. My eyes were opened. This was mainly through steps 4 to 7. Compared to where I was at at day 30, I believe that I am much more calm & I have a way better perspective on things including my alcoholism. But I had to move through the steps. Am I happy? Depends what's going on in my life but in general I feel pretty darn good. Had some major curve balls thrown my way in the past 98 days too. And I absolutely do not want to drink (I'm still kind of amazed at that).

I was also told that steps 1, 2, & 3 are steps you work out in your head (you may be done these already). Step 4 is the first 'action' step. This is where my changes really started happening - things being revealed to me.

In my case, I do try not to look into things too deeply. Keep it simple, including the step work. Don't rush but at the same time don't put the work off (paralysis by analysis comes to mind - I hate cliches by the way but that one seems to fit what I am trying to say). I also do other important things for my sobriety - fitness, developing strong bonds with my family, Sober Recovery, reading recovery related books, healthier diet (trying anyway!). It all fits together.

Well thats a small snapshot of my experience so far. If this is life in recovery, I'm good with it. Hope it helps.

Stay positive! D

CAPTAINZING2000

The first few months of my sobriety, all I did was not drink. That's the only thing, I gave thought to. My best thinking, put me into AA. My worst thinking had me drinking and taking an occasional drug.

I was told, to start my day in prayer, don't pick up that first drink and when, I went to bed that night say a prayer for staying sober that day.

We open up the floodgates after suppressing our emotions for years. Make you a gratitude list, write one every day of the things that, you have in your life that you're grateful for.

If, you're not grateful for the day that was given to you, you're chances of staying sober diminish !!

tesquizito

I'm almost 2 weeks into AA (with almost that many meetings), and once and a while I do find the doom and gloom off-putting. Although, most of the time I get a lot out of seeing people like myself F2F and being able to interact with them.

I'm having a hard time of putting myself into AA's hands completely. I still don't have a sponsor (I've had offerings) because I'm not exactly willing to surrender my life to a program I'm not entirely convinced is for me.

I'm still starting out, I still go to daily meetings (almost), read the big book, works steps out in my head, talk to as many people as I can. It's working so far, I think.

CarolD

When I hear a member share with doom and gloom
I silently say a quick prayer for them.

How do I stay positive in recovery?
God and by living the AA Steps.

SandFast...Step work was the key
that opened the door of solid recovery for me.

Well done on your 30 days...

SkippyD

Hi least, please don't be too hard on yourself, we all mistakes the hard thing is admitting it and then coming back. I was thinking about you this morning so glad that you are back here posting, you posts are an inspiration to me, don't go away!

SkippyD

Standfast, congratulations on your 30 days, things should be getting better soon. Feeling weird is normal in early recovery, don't forget to take things one day at a time.

indigo

It does get better really!. congrats on 30 days.

nodrinkingzone

Standfast! I'm glad you're still here mate, it's good to see.

For me, the first 60 days were great - everything got a bit hairy after that, but I'm still here, 100 Days, not drinking today.

I think what you're experiencing is what we all go through, and has been said already - we're feeling emotions that have been numbed for a long time, or pushed away with drink and/or other substances.

Those emotions and that baggage seems amplified, because we're not used to them - or at least, that's what I feel like. I've found that I've really needed time to step back, count to 10, take a deep breath and sort my head out. I know that I'm better off without a drink, even though I've had a few close calls.

One day at a time, and know that life will get better - this too shall pass - is what keeps me sane.

I'm proud of you and everyone else here, for your honesty and strength of character.

ndz

Tazman53

Standfast first congrats on the 30 days, there is nothing wrong with making getting a customer a high priority, but you really need to keep sobriety your number one priority. I found that I did very well by simply spending as much time on my recovery as I did drinking!!!

Now you said your were working your steps on your sponsors schedule and you felt things were going to slowly.

A couple of things, first wanting to work the steps is great, you do not want to drag your feet, that is good, one shouldn't drag thier feet on the steps.

Have you spoken to your sponsor and told him you want to get started? If you have and he is holding you back then there is nothing wrong with finding a sponsor that will get you started on them. A sponsors primary purpose is to take you through the steps.

The quicker one gets through the steps the quicker the pain will go away, but by the same token one should have a solid grasp on a step before moving on to the next one. All I am saying really is make sure when working the steps you do them thouroughly, it is not a race, nor is there a graduation, step 9 is one that can take years to finish if ever, steps 10-12 are never done.

I really suggest you sit down with your sponsor and talk with him, let him know you want to start on the steps, if he balks at it, then it may not be a bad idea to find another sponsor. In the early days a person was taken through all of the steps in less then a week in some cases.

StandFast

I talked to my sponser and he thinks that I should only do steps 1 to 3 in the first 90 days then proceed to step 4. I suppose I can start reading and thinking about step 4 anytime during the first 90 days.

He said that the best foundation laid is do steps 1 to 3 slowly. Although, I meditate and refelect on my drinking days and things that we just remember. I will read steps 1 to 3 two more times during during the next 45 days and then start reading step 4.

I am okay with this.

GreatEscape

I did 42 days just after Christmas, but then talked myself into going back to alcohol. I wish I had had some strong messages at that time to warn me away from the self delusion. Can you believe that I am right back to Day ONe all over again. The difference this time is that I know my recovery is going to have to about years not days, weeks, or months. But even in the few days I did last time I had begun to have glimpses about how good a different type of life could be. Keep posting, because we are all learning from each other.

tennis71

Hope this helps - My step 1 occurred when I was forced from my couch to my parents home for Thanksgiving. In the 2 hour car trip I reflected on my non stop 2 week binge after totaling my car. I realized that I was powerless over alcohol, could not stop drinking, and my life was unmanageable. Not only did I realize it, but I accepted it. I became willing to do anything including outpatient treatment, AA and relocating to detox my body to recover.

Good luck and may day 31 be better than today!

sugErspun

I can only share my experience -and mine is pretty similair - other than my sponsor never realy said what step I was on, until we were on our knees saying the third step prayer - and immediately (that same night) start writing out the first column of the inventory,

I think it was important to let step one really sink in = I was sober and feeling worse, step on (title page to page 43) takes a lot of time to go through since we were trying to be thorough from the very start.

Eary sobriety is very much more up and down and tends to level off as you go through the steps,

Take it easy,

~a

NoelleR

Hey StandFast ---

As sugErspun said....all I can do is relate my personal ES&H, especially my experience with working the steps....I guess you could say I'm from the old, old, old ..... school of ..... get in and get to those steps (it's not the only time you'll work them, so there's no worry if you forget something the first time.....except don't forget to NOT pick up).

When I FINALLY walked through the doors of AA, I HAD that 1st Step down cold -- 110+%..... Being an atheist, I had some thinking to do regarding Steps 2&3, but I had some time as just as I asked someone to be my sponsor, I had to go out to California (I'm in Houston, TX), and I was there for a little over two months.

I had a close friend out in CA (also in recovery), who I called my 'long distance' sponsor, and we spent a lot of time discussing the steps.....she was/is an atheist, and so was the woman I had asked to sponsor me. I also called my sponsor a few times (from CA to TX, back when it cost $$....lol). What helped me the most early on was something she told me.....yes, many folks see the BB as an instruction book on how to work the steps, but she, and I also, see it as....: pages 59-60 are the steps (the Program) and most of the pages surrounding those pages contain how the founders (most of the first 100) worked those steps, BUT NOT necessarily how I had to work them.....

When I finally returned to TX, my sponsor and I had a nice Sunday afternoon chatting, and I got through Steps 1-3, and a good portion of Step 4....a few weeks later it got through to Step 5.....then Steps 6&7 (which for me are continuous....even today things come up....lol)....and ready for Steps 8&9.....woooohoooo

When I was first starting the steps, my sponsor told me that, as a newcomer, regardless what step I was working 'ON', I could always work 'AT' all the steps that start with '1'.....ie: 1, 10, 11, and 12. Lemme tell ya....working 'at' a Step 10 every day sure helped keep Step 4 shorter than it could have been...... lol

Nobody can/should tell a person to 'get another sponsor'....and far be it from me to be a first.....(not this time anyway...lol). As someone else said in another thread recently.....: (paraphrased here) our sponsors sponsor us as they were sponsored. Sometimes this is right for us, and sometimes there can be a better way.....be comfortable in your recovery..... (o:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All that being said, I just wanted to address one more thing. Yes, there can be some (sometimes, a lot of) negativity, doom 'n gloom, etc. in AA (just remember -- take what you NEED and leave the rest.....you kin leave the negativity, doom 'n gloom, etc. lol).

I see you have a relationship with God and with Jesus Christ.....and yes, I too, believe He wants us to have an abundant, prosperous, victorious.....etc. life. Have you checked into Celebrate Recovery or Alcoholics Victorious? They're Christ-based recovery programs, and lots of churches have them.....My suggestion, if you haven't already checked them out....Celebrate Recovery is more wide-spread....check them out at your earliest convenience....you might find just what your're looking for.

Hope this helps a wee bit..... (o:


NoelleR

P.S. and BTW ..... congrats for your 38 days (as of today).....!