Mtnmagic Mutterings
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Tahoe CA
Posts: 1,098
Mtnmagic Mutterings
Hi everyone.
I am currently on day 9 of my sobriety. I finally feel like I am somewhat human again.
I first joined this site in December 2006. Stayed sober for awhile then spent the whole year trying to stay sober and relapsing over and over more times then I can even count. In the past I had good solid sobriety for almost 12 years, but then fell apart in 1998. I was diagnosed with bi-polar and Disassociative Disorder and then began years of recovery, mixed in with multiple break downs, massive amounts of medications, and trips to the pysch unit, which I fondly refer to as the "Cracker Factory".
I had been married to a recovering alcoholic. Dealing with me more then he was dealing with his own recovery caused a massive relapse for him after 17 years. We are divorced now, have been since 2001, but we are friends.
Around 2004 our situation was horrible. He would relapse, then I would, then we both would. It got really ugly. Although we were divorced, we had no boundaries. I was in therapy, he refused and the end result was he ended up incarcerated for his fourth DUI and spousal abuse. I was hospitalized for my last time.
We have an incredible son together. He has tried to be a good dad to my older son. The older son's dad hasn't been in his life since he was three.
My two boys are complete opposites. The oldest is struggling very much right now. He is addicted to painkillers and is choosing a very hard road.
The younger is a Freshman in college. He is fulfilling his dreams.
I gave up a very good job when I couldn't function anymore. I am currently a server in a Hotel/Casino/Spa here in Tahoe. I have been able to hold down the same job for almost three years. Believe me, despite my relapses and set backs that is a miracle. I had been told by my doctors that I could never work again.
As I said earlier in my post I have relapsed many, many times over the last year. Part of the reason why is I have isolated, rendered myself silent and just would not let anybody get to know me at all. Another huge reason was my program in recovery was simply attending meetings and nothing else. Just doesn't work that way, ya know?
Yes, I have attended AA. I'm that quiet lady in the background. I show up for awhile...disappear and then pop up again later. Repeat over and over and over again.
Pretty much the same MO on SR. There was one thing different for me though, a couple of weeks ago. I showed up and reached out. People here responded. It made me feel so darned good. Rather then take it and run away, I have tried real hard to reach back out.
Believe me, I know that I have a long way to go. I'm an alcoholic and a codie. Tonight I am so grateful just to be sober. Tonight I am so grateful that I am talking and sharing. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted.
I am currently on day 9 of my sobriety. I finally feel like I am somewhat human again.
I first joined this site in December 2006. Stayed sober for awhile then spent the whole year trying to stay sober and relapsing over and over more times then I can even count. In the past I had good solid sobriety for almost 12 years, but then fell apart in 1998. I was diagnosed with bi-polar and Disassociative Disorder and then began years of recovery, mixed in with multiple break downs, massive amounts of medications, and trips to the pysch unit, which I fondly refer to as the "Cracker Factory".
I had been married to a recovering alcoholic. Dealing with me more then he was dealing with his own recovery caused a massive relapse for him after 17 years. We are divorced now, have been since 2001, but we are friends.
Around 2004 our situation was horrible. He would relapse, then I would, then we both would. It got really ugly. Although we were divorced, we had no boundaries. I was in therapy, he refused and the end result was he ended up incarcerated for his fourth DUI and spousal abuse. I was hospitalized for my last time.
We have an incredible son together. He has tried to be a good dad to my older son. The older son's dad hasn't been in his life since he was three.
My two boys are complete opposites. The oldest is struggling very much right now. He is addicted to painkillers and is choosing a very hard road.
The younger is a Freshman in college. He is fulfilling his dreams.
I gave up a very good job when I couldn't function anymore. I am currently a server in a Hotel/Casino/Spa here in Tahoe. I have been able to hold down the same job for almost three years. Believe me, despite my relapses and set backs that is a miracle. I had been told by my doctors that I could never work again.
As I said earlier in my post I have relapsed many, many times over the last year. Part of the reason why is I have isolated, rendered myself silent and just would not let anybody get to know me at all. Another huge reason was my program in recovery was simply attending meetings and nothing else. Just doesn't work that way, ya know?
Yes, I have attended AA. I'm that quiet lady in the background. I show up for awhile...disappear and then pop up again later. Repeat over and over and over again.
Pretty much the same MO on SR. There was one thing different for me though, a couple of weeks ago. I showed up and reached out. People here responded. It made me feel so darned good. Rather then take it and run away, I have tried real hard to reach back out.
Believe me, I know that I have a long way to go. I'm an alcoholic and a codie. Tonight I am so grateful just to be sober. Tonight I am so grateful that I am talking and sharing. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted.
Last edited by mtnmagic; 02-13-2008 at 11:52 PM.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 11
Hi mtnmagic - it's chirish from the alcoholism info board. I'm so happy that you're sober 9 days now and that you're posting here. It sounds like you've overcome a lot of obstacles. I look forward to reading more of your posts and seeing how you're doing!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Tahoe CA
Posts: 1,098
Thank you barb. Your reaching out to my has made an incredible world of difference in my life. Might seem silly, you a stranger in cyber space and all...
When one has been as isolated as I have allowed myself to become it meant so much to me.
When one has been as isolated as I have allowed myself to become it meant so much to me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Tahoe CA
Posts: 1,098
Ya know Negative Man, when I ended up in chat last week on the verge of hysteria, you really helped get me through it. I thank you so very much! I could choose to be embarrassed about how I was that night. I could pretend that it didn't happen and just slip away one more time.
I have a different response this time and that gives me hope. Thank you, thank you for being there. For whatever reason, I know I need to start inviting people into my life, rather then push them out because of the shame that I feel about myself.
So Thanks again...and I'm glad to read that things are getting easier for you too my friend.
I have a different response this time and that gives me hope. Thank you, thank you for being there. For whatever reason, I know I need to start inviting people into my life, rather then push them out because of the shame that I feel about myself.
So Thanks again...and I'm glad to read that things are getting easier for you too my friend.
8
small and orange
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: austin, Texas
Posts: 14
im new, and my opinion may not matter, but nine days is nothing to laugh at. its incredible. and your history and what you've lived through makes it all that more amazing. i know it means close to nothing, but im proud of you and im glad to have had the chance to read your story. thanks for sharing it with me. i don't know if its helped you or not, but its helped me. thanks again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Tahoe CA
Posts: 1,098
Hey Blitzen - What you have to say matters very much. In fact, I was just reading your thread and your dilemma of being in a new place, wanting a new life and a new start. I was trying to think on how to respond to you when you encouraged me here.
I have no words of wisdom for you, just ask yourself if you can get through the situation without drinking. Right now, IMHO that is most important for you. What if you just checked out everything else around you without drinking? Let me know how it goes, I'm looking forward to hearing about it.
Now all, this is a first in my early sobriety. It is before 4:00AM and I'm feeling
exhausted. Guess what? I may just fall asleep easily for once. Thanks again all...Good night!
I have no words of wisdom for you, just ask yourself if you can get through the situation without drinking. Right now, IMHO that is most important for you. What if you just checked out everything else around you without drinking? Let me know how it goes, I'm looking forward to hearing about it.
Now all, this is a first in my early sobriety. It is before 4:00AM and I'm feeling
exhausted. Guess what? I may just fall asleep easily for once. Thanks again all...Good night!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: somewhere, SD
Posts: 177
Nine days is nothing to sneeze at, at all.
I was there before I got afraid of life and hid behind a bottle for a couple days ago.
And honestly...I hadn't felt better in a long time.
You've certainly had some hard times go on in your life,
I'm proud of you for being nine days into it now.
As far as the many relapses and false starts...I know exactly how you feel,
I think a lot of people here do. But it just gets so, so tiring, doesn't it?
I was there before I got afraid of life and hid behind a bottle for a couple days ago.
And honestly...I hadn't felt better in a long time.
You've certainly had some hard times go on in your life,
I'm proud of you for being nine days into it now.
As far as the many relapses and false starts...I know exactly how you feel,
I think a lot of people here do. But it just gets so, so tiring, doesn't it?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((((Mtnmagic)))
Congratulations on 9 days!!!
I'm glad to see you posting here and on pennies thread. I was clean for a while (over a year) and lurked around SR but never joined. I relapsed. THIS time I jumped in and have met some wonderful friends here. I haven't had anything come up that someone here hasn't been able to help me get through it clean! I'm a codie, too. In fact, I feel like I fit in so many forums, I just jump in everywhere!
Keep posting and reading....there is a tremendous amount of ES&H, as well as humor here!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Congratulations on 9 days!!!
I'm glad to see you posting here and on pennies thread. I was clean for a while (over a year) and lurked around SR but never joined. I relapsed. THIS time I jumped in and have met some wonderful friends here. I haven't had anything come up that someone here hasn't been able to help me get through it clean! I'm a codie, too. In fact, I feel like I fit in so many forums, I just jump in everywhere!
Keep posting and reading....there is a tremendous amount of ES&H, as well as humor here!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 25
9 DAYS!!!!!! That rocks.
For one thing, I want to say: thank you so much for sharing your story. For all of us here and for you. (Maybe you'll want to share in your next AA meeting? I'm working up to that myself, as another sits-in-the-back-chick.)
I, too, am bipolar and I do feel that exacerbates my addiction. I know my doctor did not adequately inform me of the consequences of combining huge quantities of alcohol with my meds and that just sent me in a downward spiral: my meds weren't working because of the alcohol, so I drank more and more.
Hang in there and KEEP POSTING!
For one thing, I want to say: thank you so much for sharing your story. For all of us here and for you. (Maybe you'll want to share in your next AA meeting? I'm working up to that myself, as another sits-in-the-back-chick.)
I, too, am bipolar and I do feel that exacerbates my addiction. I know my doctor did not adequately inform me of the consequences of combining huge quantities of alcohol with my meds and that just sent me in a downward spiral: my meds weren't working because of the alcohol, so I drank more and more.
Hang in there and KEEP POSTING!
InnerWinner
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Milwaukee
Posts: 22
Great JOB! Doctors don't know everything. Get to know yourself moutain. I think recovery is a great time for addicts to really get to know who they really are inside.
Stay strong and as a new friend, I'M PULLING FOR YOU!!!!
Stay strong and as a new friend, I'M PULLING FOR YOU!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Tahoe CA
Posts: 1,098
Thanks!
Thank you for your replies.
I am on day 11 now. It really is getting a bit easier every day I am able to stay sober.
There are times that I feel like my brain just goes out the window. Trying to put a couple of sentences together seems hard. I went to a meeting yesterday before I went to work. I tried to say something more then my name and for no reason that I could think of, just broke down in tears. I think they were healing tears. My group was kind and understanding. I guess I don't have to figure it out right at this moment. I just need to know that people care and accept me as I am. There is no greater gift then that IMO.
I am on day 11 now. It really is getting a bit easier every day I am able to stay sober.
There are times that I feel like my brain just goes out the window. Trying to put a couple of sentences together seems hard. I went to a meeting yesterday before I went to work. I tried to say something more then my name and for no reason that I could think of, just broke down in tears. I think they were healing tears. My group was kind and understanding. I guess I don't have to figure it out right at this moment. I just need to know that people care and accept me as I am. There is no greater gift then that IMO.
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