StandFast

Not sure, all that I remember is when I was 14/15 yo, we drank beer on the corner in the ciyt I grew up in. I also rem. going to a tavern and buying beers for a quarter. I loved that feeling and never ever stopped drinking on weekends. My whole life up to this past month I don't think since then that I was alcholol free to 2 weekedns in row.

Yet I am relecuctant and/or afraid to go to aa and don't know why!

Jomey

Hey Standfast, I was scared to try AA also.

At first, I blamed it on social anxiety (which truly is the case for many people, I believe), but the longer I am sober, the more clear it is becoming to me that I was afraid of AA for two reasons...it always seemed like the "last stop on the train" in my mind...like if AA couldn't help me, I was doomed to be a drunk for the rest of my life and..........much more importantly, in terms of recovery, I wasn't humble enough to listen to anyone else tell me how to quit drinking and I, like you, "loved the feeling" of being a little bit high, and I didn't truly *want* to go in front of a bunch of people and declare that I had a desire to stop drinking. I was afraid of the commitment of AA because I couldn't imagine the rest of my life without alcohol.

Hope this share helps you discern what is holding you back if you want to go. There are tons of others here with alot more experience than me. I'm sure they will be along to share their stories too.

serenityqueen

I had times throughout my search for Recovery where I too had a fear of going to meetings. As I look back, I can remember my feelings at the time.

No matter how much I said I wanted to stop drinking and using, I now know deep down that I was still holding on to the thought that maybe I could get this drinking thing under control. I was jealous of the people who could drink socially. I thought that I could do things my way, I didn't need meetings. After all, I was going to get this Recovery thing on my own. I also wanted to be in control of every aspect of my life. How embarressing it would be to walk into a room full of strangers and admit that I don't have things under control. I also didn't want to have to repeat'the story' of why I hated myself, why I had no one's trust, why I lied, cheated and stole from everyone in my life, why I had a very low self esteem, feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, depression, health problems, family members who were embarressed of me. Also, I did not want to be honest. I thought if I told these people all of the horrible things I did, they would ask me not to come back. They would look at me as though I had some kind of disease. Little did I know that all these people had the same symptoms of the same disease. Once I got the courage up to go to meetings, I realized that I'm not the only one who felt his way. And also I had been to a few meetings here and there and saw how people would cry in these meetings and have to talk about all the garbage of their past. I didn't want to feel the pain. But in order to release the pain, I had to feel it. And change is a very scary thing for me.

I highly encourage you to try some meetings. Do you know anyone in AA/NA/ that you could ask to go with you the first few times.

Have Faith for Faith is confidence in God when you do not understand.

Jersey Nonny

Once I had gone to detox and been introduced to meetings through their program, I was more afraid of not being able to stay stopped than of continuing to go to meetings. My life and friends eventually evolved around meetings, much as it had around the bars...instead of going out to drink, I got dressed up and went to meetings. I'm not able to attend meetings anymore, and I truly miss them.

I hope you come to love the meetings and people as much as I do.

SF69

I know that fear. Before my first meeting a couple of weeks ago, I sat in my car at least 10 min. before I pushed myself out. I'm not sure why I was afraid. Was it the fear that by going to a meeting others would know that I have a problem? I don't know.

I'm glad I did go. I felt such a relief after my first meeting, and gave me hope that I could beat alcohol.

If you can, I'd suggest checking out a couple of different meeting groups (each one is different) to find one that you're comfortable with.

Emimily

i think, for the most part, everyone is scared of their first meeting. if not scared, then at least uncomfortable. no one is ever like "yeah, i think i'll go to my first aa meeting, sounds good!" not quite what the general consensus is. my mom used to say "you go because you have to, and you keep going until you want to." she'd tell me stories of picking up the phone saying "no, i can't go out, i've gotta go to this AA crap", and it would morph into "hey, i gotta run, i'm on my way to a meeting." that's what happened for me...

which is why we say, keep coming back.

29a

When I was in the car on the way to my first AA meeting i was so afraid I couldn't speak. I didn't know what to expect or what would be expected of me. I didn't know what types of people would be there etc. I was never good with dealing with the unknown.
Thank god the pain I had caused myself with drugs and alcohol was greater then the fear I felt. It was enough to carry me into the meeting.
It was the best thing I've ever done for myself and my life has changed in ways I never could have imagined.
I owe it all to AA and the people I've met there.
Along my journey of sobriety, I've had to face many fears. The rewards are always amazing.
The great thing about the program is that everyone there was as messed up or worse as you are. They were all liars. They were all afraid. Their way of living failed, and they had to ask for help. We've all been right where you are.

Good luck my friend.

Tazman53

Oh I was scared crapless the first one I went to after detox.......... sober!!! I wnet to my first meeting drunk on my arse!!!!

What was I scared of? The unknown!!! I was scared because after 40 years of drinking I had absolutely no idea how to function sober!

Funny thing, once I walked through that door I was convinced I was in the wrong place, these people were smiling, laughing, joking around!!!! No way this was a bunch of sober alcoholics, I was still in a fog, I was still confused, I was still shaking a bit!!! These people had clear smiling eyes!!!!!

Well once the meeting began and I started to hear them speak I for the first time in my life felt like I belonged, that these people really had been where I was at, they knew what it was like to have no choice but to drink, they knew the self hatred, the shame, the guilt, the fear!!!!

But most important of all! They were sober and happy!!! They gave me hope, and they gave it freely and from thier heart!

I would suggest maybe to start of with one of 2 types of meetings, a speakers meeting, just walk in sit down and listen to one person share their Experience, strength and hope, or go to a beginners meeting.

Go to the meeting about 15 minutes before it starts, the person making the coffee at a minimum will be there, just walk up and say "Hi. I'm (Name), this is my first meeting, need any help?" If you don't feel up to that, just walk in and sit in the back, you do not have to say a single word or do a single thing. If they ask you to share and you don't want to....... no big deal, just say "No thanks, I am new and just would like to listen." They will thank you and move on to the next person.

aasharon90

Welcome to SR StandFast.

Its so nice to see u reaching
out here wanting to share
and asking questions.

AA is a place to belong so u
never have to be alone.

That was one thing I use to
hear early on in recovery was
that i never had to face anything
in life alone ever again.

AA is a place to be surrounded
by others who are exactly like
me....people that understand me
for who i am with no questions asked.
No judging.

Being afraid full of fear anxiety has
been with me all my life....i learned
later on in life long after i was sober
that i had a chemical imbalance in
my system....

When i finally addressed that then i
was able to settle down and feel a
sense of calmness in recovery....
meetings.

Im not a talker in meetings and that
very much disturbed me....however
my spinsor explained to me that
in meetings they had to have talkers
and they had to have listeners and
that not saying anything was ok.

When the time was right to speak
then i would know it....so i listen
and continue to listen and absorb
the message of recovery at each
meeting i attend....

Like breathing....u breath in and
u breath out millions a time a day
to keep the blood flowing and
heart beating in order to stay alive
each day,,,,,once u stop breathing
then everything shuts down and u
die. The end.

With AA/recovery....its the same.

Each time u attend a meeting...its
like take a dose of AA medicine for
the day to stay sober.

You go, u listen, u absorb information
on how to stay sober or clean one
day at a time. Each day u take ur
AA/NA medicine then u are getting
into a healthy routine to help u stay
clean and sober.

Listening to others share their own
experience, strengths and hopes
on a daily bases allows u to absorb
the knowledge to help u pass it
on to another person suffering
with alcoholism or drugs.

What is freely passed on to u,
u in turn will pass it on to another
and that is how u stay sober
and clean.....

Try it sometimes....when u share
here on SR about what happened
to u before during and after
alcohol and drugs and u get a
response from another letting
u know u have just told his own
story.... then come back
and share with me and
others how that made u feel.

Dont rush, keep things in ur
life simple....one step at a
time....one day at a time.

Thanks for letting me share.

theonlyway

StandFast, I so can relate to what you're saying...

I went to AlAnon meetings for years -- same format for the most part, same or similar teachings... but getting through the doors to my first AA meeting 2 weeks ago was PAINFUL!

I knew I had to go, I had spent all day that day on this very board, clinging to my computer for dear life --seriously, paralyzed, crying, just trying to hold on....

My husband got home and I told him I need to go to a meeting, he replied 'you can go with me tonight'

I said, I'm afraid and I don't know how... His reply 'you don't have to do anything, just say 'I pass'" --

well, duh! i knew the 'format' -- i knew WHAT to do.. just didn't know HOW to BE there, GET there, you know? it was AA -- it was the line that needed to be crossed... I'd alread crossed the line to being an Alcoholic, now I had to cross the line of ADMITTING it -- and DEALING with it... I just didn't know HOW to do that...

I did go, full of tears, PUSHING my legs across that threshold... clinging to that cup of coffee for dear life, listening, crying, wishing I could be invisible...

BUT --by the end of the meeting, this shy, scared, introvert somehow found the courage to SPEAK!! Now, I tell you, I didn't speak at an AlAnon meeting for months ! I hate public speaking, I am shy to a fault when not drinking... but the stories I heard, the people I somehow related to... I had an urge to purge just a LITTLE...

I walked out of there feeling a little relief. Glad I'd went, amazed that I no longer felt alone or quite as ashamed... By my 4th meeting -- I left going ... 'i actually LIKE going to these things, that's WEIRD'

Anyhow, know that when you decide to go, we go with you. You can do it. You're worth doing it. You have to go THROUGH it, to get to the other side. The trip is worth it, I promise.

HuGGGGGGGGs and best of luck....... Keep posting, ok?

~C

Pilgrim

I was scared too. I came to realise that people in AA get help from newcomers. You are helping people if you go to a meeting. Just by turning up you are doing a great service to everyone in your meeting. It took me a while to grasp that by asking for help, I was helping people.

nolonger

Hi Standfast,
kind of sounds like you are more afraid of stopping drinking than you are of the meetings. Or not exactly afraid, like you are mourning it - the way you are remembering back to a time when you drank and could still love the feeling, back when you were a kid and booze was still all about freedom and being grown up and all the rest.

But if you want to stop, if you really feel and know you can't go on drinking, you have to face it that alcohol is not like that for you anymore and that it won't ever be again. You have to let go of that old dreaming.

AA is a place where people try to face up to that together, where they try to dis-illusion themselves about alcohol. It's not easy. I think you know that and thats why your scared of AA.
NL.

nodrinkingzone

This sums it up for me - much like everything else in this thread. I was scared of going to AA because it meant that I had to deal with my problem. I knew I was an alcoholic, I am an alcoholic, and I always will be. I just didn't want to fix the problem.

Walking through that door was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I have done a lot of scary things, and that was by far the scariest.

Here I am, 7 weeks sober, enjoying meetings, with a huge feeling of relief, and a massive burden off my shoulders. I went to AA because I couldn't stop drinking on my own, and after I got there I realised I didn't have to, and that a bunch of strangers would help me stay sober and support me, and ease my burden.

Good luck, please let us know what you thought (if you made it!). All the best, hope you're ok,

ndz

Rusty Zipper

SE the disease of alcoholism doesn't want you to go!

give it your better then best shot SF

wad'a ya got to loose?

good wishes

rz

sidarnold

standfast,

I just went to my fist aa meeting the other night and didnt know what to expect. One thing that I did notice is that nobody judges you. They almost make it uncomfortable because they are all so happy to see you if anything. They know what it is like they all had to go there the fist time like you. You just have to want to do it for yourself more than anything. Good luck