trakin

Oh! There you are....whew! I posted before seeing the end of this thread. I'm sorry you had a bad day yesterday...I did too. But it will get better. There will always be ups and downs. You're doing great.

trakin

I agree that that might be helpful. One book I read called The Tao of Sobriety is written from an Eastern perspective. One of the things it emphasizes is essential innocence. And we all are innocent -- from a cosmic perspective -- regardless of what we may have done in the past. Self hatred is just a sneaky way your disease has of trying to get you to cave in.

Creekryder

No great words of wisdom to pass on to you, Kevin, many are on this thread. I simply wanted to say I'm glad you're back with us. I hope we can be of help to the rest of the situation.
I realized a few months ago, although I had stated the recognition, the real consequence of sobriety...the alcoholism never really goes away. Of course we all know that, but to feel that effect deep within your being and to have the beast rear it's head is earthshaking to many, causing a drop in resolve. As a result a sense of hopelessness and despair fills the void left by self-doubt. What is left if unabated is the alcoholic self, covered with the slime of self-pity and shame, and shackled by the enslaving bitch once again. I had that happen last May and it took until December to regain my dignity, hold my head up, an shout, "Enough!!" Now I work on the repair from the damage I have received from my actions. But I am here...and so are you.

Peace, my friend,
Padraic

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Kevin,

:ghug3

Karen

vashti45

I'm pretty new here (joined a while a go, and went through a period of trying to be "normal" drinker, failed multiple times, so here I am again). I don't know that I have any wisdom to offer, but I can tell you that all of the posts demonstrate that we are all connected in a way that's more profound than the computers we're using to communicate. There are so many people here who love and respect you, and are grateful to you for your contributions. All that affection, respect and gratitude is making its way to you as a source of strength and solace. I think that positive force is a resource for you to fight your self-hatred.

I also want to echo the suggestions of others that you seek help--spiritually, psychologically, through friends ...

Take care,

Jana:ghug

Time2Surrender

Kevin, I have known you a while. I remeber when you first came here. Been a while. You mentioned nothing here about actually working the steps? Have you actually worked the steps? All 12? If you havent it would defineatly explain why you are feeling this way. I dont believe you have. Reading your words here tell me you havent. Its obvious many people here care about you. You are not alone. We all have felt this way at times. Going to meetings, helping newcomers, talking with your sponsor. I did all that myself. Did service work, went to AA/NA functions, hanging out with other members, etc. I did all that too. I read the books cover to cover. More than once. I came to SoberRecovery. And oh yeah, I prayed. I also sat on my 4th step for 2 yrs. What happened? I felt exactly the same as you. In the end I was miserable. I was full of hatred and resentments and was the last one to know it. I also gave up 2 1/2 years!!!!! Luckily by the grace of God I made it back. What has changed for me this time? Im on step 9. Working on 10, 11 and 12 right now. I have done a 4th and 5th step with my sponsor. I did all that in less than 30 days. The financial amends of step 9 will take years and thats OK. I feel better about myself then I ever have. Work the steps bro. When you are done. Work them again.

Anna

Hi Kevin,

This is such an outpouring of love, caring and great advice for you. :day4

I hope you are feeling better today.

grateful2b

Awww, sweetie....thank you for letting us know you are okay,...I am sorry you are struggling. Kevin, I understand what you are going through, because I had struggled as well in my younger years in much the same way, and every where I turned there I was. Somehow I knew I was a good person, and my image of myself was keeping me from loving myself and moving forward in my life, and because I knew God loved me, I finally realized I needed to find the courage to look deep within myself and I couldn't do it alone because I was too terrified that what I found would comfirm my worst fears; that I was RIGHT about who I thought I was and that inside I would find a sign that said "loser"
I went into counselling, kevin, and long story short, I discovered someone I liked!! what a shocker, I wasn't prepared for that but I fell in love with the person I found. The picture I had of myself, given to me by my environment from a very early age, was not who I really was.
Kevin, how we feel about ourselves is, sometimes not based on who we truly are, but rather who we have been told we are from a very early age, by the world around us.
You are a wonderful person with a compassionate heart. :ghug3
sending you prayers and God Bless, my friend,
grateful

lostmdboy

Hardest part for recovery for this alky was to forgive my self. Doing that step nine was not easy, but a lot easier then doing it to my self. Hope you are feel better.

cmc

nogie,
Alot of people here are quite fond of you- here's to learning how to add yourself to the list.

tanyapmc

Hi Kev, I am sorry I didn't see this sooner. Well, actually I am glad b/c I would have been worrying about you. I totally can relate to the self-hatred problem. I am right there with you. I am working on it but it is difficult. Just know that your not alone. Sending you love and strength.

Robzoloft

Hey nogard- I hope you're OK...I need your supportive posts....I look forward to what you have to say...please clarify

WLDKATZ

Kevin, I just bawled to see this post, honey seeing ourselves is the worse and in our recovery it is just compounded by the fact we dont have our addiction to protect us from the truth and it is a SOAB........Honey I can promise you this you are not the man you were, you ARE stronger and wiser than before, I know this because you gave up the insanity and ran away like the rest of us did we all got away from it, dont give up your mental health to that desire to be the man you THINK you were, instead find out who this new Kevin is and if no one likes it OH WELL just as long as you are happy, I wish I knew what to do or say to make it better I cant even take a picture of my Aussie outback hat and me so I can show ya the CORKY side of me.........lol ( think maybe Dee and Kev will get it a bush hat has all of these bobbing corks you shake your head or move and the bounce and sway to keep the bugs at bay!)

Stand strong just for the moment you read this and if need be come back here and look at everyone who cares because we do!

Hugs and Prayers,
Pamm

gypsytears

I saw this only just now. I'm sorry you're struggling Kevin. Is there anything I can do for you ? Just ask.

PaperDolls

I'm SO glad you checked in.
Self-hate, I can understand it.
Do you do counseling or therapy? ...... besides meeting and talking to your sponsor, it could really help.

Luckyv2

((((Kevin))))

It isn't easy to learn how to get over that stuff if we ever do. But you know that it is a lot different today than it was or could be.

One simple prayer that I use is

"HP don't let me think like that"

Have someone with about the same amount of clean time as you yesterday say that they are missing the drama, the romancing part of the using. God I hope that she gets that out of her head quick. I know all to well where that leads.

One thing that I am learning and that is all this is in our journey is a learning experience, is that

It is the hardest thing that any of us have to do.

Compared to our pioneers of AA

Recovery rate isn't like it was back than

But we can make a difference, we all just need to hang on and let it happen.

I heard a guy once tell me

"Go to the mirror and repeat this 30 times each morning and look yourself in the eye and after 30 days you will come to believe it."



LMAO it works

"I am a child of God in whom he/she is well pleased."

wiscgirl30

(((Hugs))))
Hope all is better with you by today..... Will say a prayer for you....

Hope

May today there be peace within you. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. 'I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.'

nogard

Thanks for all your words of support and encouragement, its overwhelming.

T2S I have done the steps and continue to work the program although recently I have not done any step work, I will take your advice and do them again as I feel like a newcomer again in some ways. I see this as peeling another layer away and looking at what there now.

I also see a counsellor for grief after my father died, she is on a long holiday but I will take this up with her too.

I know the NA program works but have seen for myself that it works at different paces for different people. I had already looked at myself and seen the self loathing and believed that I had let it go and was in the process of building a new me and I guess that’s true, the shock and despair was about how much self hatred I had missed and how sick I still am. I know this is true as all of the posts moved me except those that told me what to do, I re-qualified again as an addict J but not for a second did I think of myself as a dry addict.

For me recovery/getting well is a process and I have no control over what heals next or at what speed, I intend to simply keep handing this over and will think on Stone’s suggestion that I do something different.

Thank you all so much, still shaken here but back on the road and continuing the journey.

Kevin

WLDKATZ

all I know is I am so glad to see ya!



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