Do I tell her my suspicion
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 2
Do I tell her my suspicion
I'm a 50 year old man, and I have a good, female friend (46), who I've known for nearly twenty years. I'm not her "type" so we've never dated, but we're very close, almost like family. In fact, she, her kids and her parents think of me as family, and she will confide things in me that you would only confide to your closest friend.
She's someone I've always admired, because she's very well read and as long as I've known her, a hard worker who usually did whatever it took to get the job done. Her only faults, as far as I knew, was that, in her personal life, she had no sense of time, and that all too often when I saw her, a beer and a cigarette were part of the picture; but in all the time I had known her, I had never seen her drunk. I also knew that alcoholism ran in her family, as her mom had given up drinking years ago after acknowledging that she was an alcoholic.
Then, this past Summer, my friend got her first DUI.
Long story short, my friend's kids have told me that there mom is an alcoholic, and two months ago, I saw her sneak a drink -- probably vodka -- in a coffee cup. Couple that with what I think are withdrawal symptoms when (I think) she quits to go to court mandated DUI classes, I'm pretty sure that she was probably a low-level functioning alcoholic all of the time I've known her, but then, a long, stressful breakup with a boyfriend of three years probably pushed her into drinking more as she tried to cope.
The symptoms are getting worse, and I'm worried that some of them might be related to cirrosis, which means that this has been a problem for awhile. She's not sure what's wrong with her (maybe she's in denial), but she's scared that it might be something like cancer, and she doesn't have insurance. She's also down to less than 80 lbs, and her normal weight is about 100.
I wanted to tell her what I think is going on, and help her with rehab if she wants to do it, but there's a complication:
Six weeks ago, her daughter worked it out so that, if her mother traveled across the country to live with her, she could make my friend a "dependent parent" and get her on her health insurance. My friend wants to go, and is making the arrangements to go right before Christmas, but she keeps getting sick and weak, which puts her on the couch for most of the day. She's also concerned that, because her daughter has to go to Europe for her job in three months for a six month period, she will be alone on the East Coast.
What my friend doesn't know, is that her daughter is setting things up with doctors and a rehab center, so that once she gets to the East Coast, she will have the availability to quickly get evaluated and hopefully, agree to be put into a program.
I've told her that, depending on what the doctors find, she could be well enough to come back to California about the same time her daughter leaves, but that if it's something worse, she'll have to make the best of it. And even though she's moving out of her apartment to go East, if she comes back early, between her parents, her son and me, she will have a place to live until she gets a job and a place of her own.
So here is my quandry:
As her best friend, do I tell her before she leaves that I think her physical problems are most likely due to alcohol addiction, or do I just do my best to get her on a plane to the East Coast and let her daughter break it to her?
Part of me says to let the daughter deal with it, but then I think that, if I don't tell her, she might resent the fact that, in spite of what I knew, I didn't tell her.
OTOH, if I do tell her, she might get upset, and get more depressed and binge drink.
Somehow, I think that my friend is analytical enough, and scared enough, that if I gave her some info printed off the web showing the symptoms and told her of my concern for her health, she might be relieved, in a way, to know. And maybe she would be less apprehensive about going East.
How do you all think I should handle this?
She's someone I've always admired, because she's very well read and as long as I've known her, a hard worker who usually did whatever it took to get the job done. Her only faults, as far as I knew, was that, in her personal life, she had no sense of time, and that all too often when I saw her, a beer and a cigarette were part of the picture; but in all the time I had known her, I had never seen her drunk. I also knew that alcoholism ran in her family, as her mom had given up drinking years ago after acknowledging that she was an alcoholic.
Then, this past Summer, my friend got her first DUI.
Long story short, my friend's kids have told me that there mom is an alcoholic, and two months ago, I saw her sneak a drink -- probably vodka -- in a coffee cup. Couple that with what I think are withdrawal symptoms when (I think) she quits to go to court mandated DUI classes, I'm pretty sure that she was probably a low-level functioning alcoholic all of the time I've known her, but then, a long, stressful breakup with a boyfriend of three years probably pushed her into drinking more as she tried to cope.
The symptoms are getting worse, and I'm worried that some of them might be related to cirrosis, which means that this has been a problem for awhile. She's not sure what's wrong with her (maybe she's in denial), but she's scared that it might be something like cancer, and she doesn't have insurance. She's also down to less than 80 lbs, and her normal weight is about 100.
I wanted to tell her what I think is going on, and help her with rehab if she wants to do it, but there's a complication:
Six weeks ago, her daughter worked it out so that, if her mother traveled across the country to live with her, she could make my friend a "dependent parent" and get her on her health insurance. My friend wants to go, and is making the arrangements to go right before Christmas, but she keeps getting sick and weak, which puts her on the couch for most of the day. She's also concerned that, because her daughter has to go to Europe for her job in three months for a six month period, she will be alone on the East Coast.
What my friend doesn't know, is that her daughter is setting things up with doctors and a rehab center, so that once she gets to the East Coast, she will have the availability to quickly get evaluated and hopefully, agree to be put into a program.
I've told her that, depending on what the doctors find, she could be well enough to come back to California about the same time her daughter leaves, but that if it's something worse, she'll have to make the best of it. And even though she's moving out of her apartment to go East, if she comes back early, between her parents, her son and me, she will have a place to live until she gets a job and a place of her own.
So here is my quandry:
As her best friend, do I tell her before she leaves that I think her physical problems are most likely due to alcohol addiction, or do I just do my best to get her on a plane to the East Coast and let her daughter break it to her?
Part of me says to let the daughter deal with it, but then I think that, if I don't tell her, she might resent the fact that, in spite of what I knew, I didn't tell her.
OTOH, if I do tell her, she might get upset, and get more depressed and binge drink.
Somehow, I think that my friend is analytical enough, and scared enough, that if I gave her some info printed off the web showing the symptoms and told her of my concern for her health, she might be relieved, in a way, to know. And maybe she would be less apprehensive about going East.
How do you all think I should handle this?
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Welcome to SR
Your her friend...just be her friend as you have been doing.
Let her daughter handle things for now. Just be her friend.
She will visit with her daughter with the comfort of knowing she is not stepping out off the world to be alone in 3 months.
While she is gone... Al Anon meeting will gain you much info and support on how you can be an even better friend for when she returns.
Your her friend...just be her friend as you have been doing.
Let her daughter handle things for now. Just be her friend.
She will visit with her daughter with the comfort of knowing she is not stepping out off the world to be alone in 3 months.
While she is gone... Al Anon meeting will gain you much info and support on how you can be an even better friend for when she returns.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
As her best friend, do I tell her before she leaves that I think her physical problems are most likely due to alcohol addiction, or do I just do my best to get her on a plane to the East Coast and let her daughter break it to her?
As long as she's leaving soon ... my personal experience is it's best to let it happen along with all the other 'new' your friend is going to be experiencing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 2
She told me this morning
Thanks Best and Barb for your thoughtful responses.
My friend called me this AM, and told me she hadn't slept all night because she had had a lot to think about. I asked her what she had been thinking about, and she talked about how horribly messy her apartment was (since she moved back six months ago, she's never let me enter).
Eventually, after a little more probing about her thoughts, she swore me to not tell anyone, but that she had been drinking too much (ostensibly to help her get to sleep) since July of this year.
I thanked her for telling me, and kind-of got choked up, then told her that I had been waiting for her to tell me that for the past couple of months.
She contested some of the symptoms I told her I'd observed, mainly because she thinks there's only been a serious problem for the past six months, but overall, she's aware that the drinking has made whatever symtoms she's been seeing worse, and said she's been trying to slowly cut back, and plans to talk to the doctors about it when she's on the East coast.
I agreed with her that part of her overall problems are due to depression caused by her breakup, and continued strong guilt over the DUI (though she was pulled over for speeding and there was no accident or injuries, she feels very bad about the idea that she COULD have injured someone), but that she shouldn't underestimate the effects on her body of the two - three beers plus glass of wine that she probably drank every day during the year while she was still living with her boyfriend as their relationship was coming apart.
But this is a great start, as far as I'm concerned, and I'm really amazed of the coincidence that less than 12 hours after I posted here, she confessed a problem.
I told her that I would do everything I can to help her get out East, and hopefully, will be going to her apartment later today to help her and her son to pack and clean.
Thanks again for your advice and help!
My friend called me this AM, and told me she hadn't slept all night because she had had a lot to think about. I asked her what she had been thinking about, and she talked about how horribly messy her apartment was (since she moved back six months ago, she's never let me enter).
Eventually, after a little more probing about her thoughts, she swore me to not tell anyone, but that she had been drinking too much (ostensibly to help her get to sleep) since July of this year.
I thanked her for telling me, and kind-of got choked up, then told her that I had been waiting for her to tell me that for the past couple of months.
She contested some of the symptoms I told her I'd observed, mainly because she thinks there's only been a serious problem for the past six months, but overall, she's aware that the drinking has made whatever symtoms she's been seeing worse, and said she's been trying to slowly cut back, and plans to talk to the doctors about it when she's on the East coast.
I agreed with her that part of her overall problems are due to depression caused by her breakup, and continued strong guilt over the DUI (though she was pulled over for speeding and there was no accident or injuries, she feels very bad about the idea that she COULD have injured someone), but that she shouldn't underestimate the effects on her body of the two - three beers plus glass of wine that she probably drank every day during the year while she was still living with her boyfriend as their relationship was coming apart.
But this is a great start, as far as I'm concerned, and I'm really amazed of the coincidence that less than 12 hours after I posted here, she confessed a problem.
I told her that I would do everything I can to help her get out East, and hopefully, will be going to her apartment later today to help her and her son to pack and clean.
Thanks again for your advice and help!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 127
I don't have any advice to add to Best's and Barb's, but I just feel like commenting that you sound like a really compassionate and wonderful friend. I think your friend is lucky to have you in her life! I hope everything works out for her, and for you.
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