We take it all so serious and it is but.......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: roanoke va
Posts: 62
We take it all so serious and it is but.......
If I'm outta line, please delete this. I just thought it was funny and wanted to share. Thru all our hardships and struggles to not use whatever drug of our choice may be, we need laughter. So k, my attempt at makin' you laught.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket / purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to "retreat to safety"... . WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded 2, AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the front of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only 2, AAA batteries,. Right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with 2, itsy-bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond de*****ion, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad..
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION $&$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Tommy
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket / purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to "retreat to safety"... . WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded 2, AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the front of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only 2, AAA batteries,. Right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with 2, itsy-bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond de*****ion, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad..
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION $&$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Tommy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Des Plaines,IL
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by Rusty Zipper 
tommy, did'ja find um yet?
some odd look'n things flew by our window last night, too fast tho, i couldnt quite make um out!
some odd look'n things flew by our window last night, too fast tho, i couldnt quite make um out!
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: On a Beach Some Where
Posts: 103
Holly Tasers Batman, That was too funny.
They say curiosity killed the cat. I am so glad you didn't!
Now the key is not to make your wife mad at you.
As far as your unmentionables, Check your pockets.
Have a great day and thanks for the play by play.
They say curiosity killed the cat. I am so glad you didn't!
Now the key is not to make your wife mad at you.
As far as your unmentionables, Check your pockets.
Have a great day and thanks for the play by play.
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
OOOOH, MYYYYY!!!
If I ever thought God didn't have a sense of humor, all I'd have to do is look around an AA meeting (or the threads of SR)...And, you actually did this sober!?!
If I ever thought God didn't have a sense of humor, all I'd have to do is look around an AA meeting (or the threads of SR)...And, you actually did this sober!?!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: The morgue if I don't stay sober.
Posts: 38
I would say the stun gun works.
Humor has helped me immensely over the years. If I couldn't laugh at myself, at some of the totally DUMB **** and situations I have been in, I wouldn't have made it this far!
Good job keeping a sense of humor!
Humor has helped me immensely over the years. If I couldn't laugh at myself, at some of the totally DUMB **** and situations I have been in, I wouldn't have made it this far!
Good job keeping a sense of humor!
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