Where/How do I begin - Living with a Dry Drunk
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 9
Where/How do I begin - Living with a Dry Drunk
Hello my name is Dora,
I am so glad to have found this site.
I know I am not the cause for my husband's behaviour.
I need advice please.
I am not handling his 'crazy making' very well.
He is no longer 24/7 drinking.
He is however sliding back into the ATTITUDE & BEHAVIOUR that goes with it.
He can be loving attentive husband & father when he chooses to be.
However if WE are NOT doing as he wishes, or offer alternatives to his suggestions he simply blows up, name calling, derogatory statements, then apologises.
I am not satisfied allowing this happen to me or our children.
Yet I am told by my husband if I did xyz, he wouldn't have to behave that way.
I here this as controlling & threatening. That he is holding me responsible for his negative actions & behaviours.
I have not joined Al-anon yet. My husband went to 2 meetings & decided that 'those people' are not like him, so has not been since 2002.
He has cut down on his drinking, & is home everynight.
It feels like he lives for our Friday night out & his old friend the pint.
I believe this because I have on numerous occassion set up alternative dates that did not involve alchohol, this lead to he become anxious, angry to the point I would suggest that maybe we stop for one, The calm that comes over him is tangible at the suggestion of going for a drink, without even actually having drank it yet.
My question is how do I cope?
Your thoughts & advice greatly received.
Dora.
I am so glad to have found this site.
I know I am not the cause for my husband's behaviour.
I need advice please.
I am not handling his 'crazy making' very well.
He is no longer 24/7 drinking.
He is however sliding back into the ATTITUDE & BEHAVIOUR that goes with it.
He can be loving attentive husband & father when he chooses to be.
However if WE are NOT doing as he wishes, or offer alternatives to his suggestions he simply blows up, name calling, derogatory statements, then apologises.
I am not satisfied allowing this happen to me or our children.
Yet I am told by my husband if I did xyz, he wouldn't have to behave that way.
I here this as controlling & threatening. That he is holding me responsible for his negative actions & behaviours.
I have not joined Al-anon yet. My husband went to 2 meetings & decided that 'those people' are not like him, so has not been since 2002.
He has cut down on his drinking, & is home everynight.
It feels like he lives for our Friday night out & his old friend the pint.
I believe this because I have on numerous occassion set up alternative dates that did not involve alchohol, this lead to he become anxious, angry to the point I would suggest that maybe we stop for one, The calm that comes over him is tangible at the suggestion of going for a drink, without even actually having drank it yet.
My question is how do I cope?
Your thoughts & advice greatly received.
Dora.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome to SR Dora! So glad that you found us-there is a forum Friends/Family you may want to post over there as well-
Take a look at the stickie posts at the top of the forum it a great source-
Please keep posting-I'm sorry you are going through this but you are not alone!
It sounds like you know what you want for your children and yourself and that is a step in the right direction! And you realize you are not the cause and that is a PLUS!
We all have choices in our lives....
Be well
Take a look at the stickie posts at the top of the forum it a great source-
Please keep posting-I'm sorry you are going through this but you are not alone!
It sounds like you know what you want for your children and yourself and that is a step in the right direction! And you realize you are not the cause and that is a PLUS!
We all have choices in our lives....
Be well
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,589
Hi,
Welcome!
Stopping drinking doesn't necessarily stop all the problems that exist in a relationship. I'm glad you are taking care of yourself. Check out our Friends and Families forums for more support, if you like.
Welcome!
Stopping drinking doesn't necessarily stop all the problems that exist in a relationship. I'm glad you are taking care of yourself. Check out our Friends and Families forums for more support, if you like.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Welcome Dora
Al Anon can help you find understanding and guide you to use some solid boundaries.
A hard lesson for him to learn (find the answers he needs)... If he treated you like he should in an unselfish way... he just may find that all "his" problems go away.
Just about took a 2 by 4 off the back of my head to learn that. Till such time that life deals him the same 2 by 4... Boundaries that keep your space at a state of peace can help you greatly.
As you look about... read the posts at the top of the forums (above the blue line) that say "sticky" beside them. You will find much info there as well.
Al Anon can help you find understanding and guide you to use some solid boundaries.
A hard lesson for him to learn (find the answers he needs)... If he treated you like he should in an unselfish way... he just may find that all "his" problems go away.
Just about took a 2 by 4 off the back of my head to learn that. Till such time that life deals him the same 2 by 4... Boundaries that keep your space at a state of peace can help you greatly.
As you look about... read the posts at the top of the forums (above the blue line) that say "sticky" beside them. You will find much info there as well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 9
Rella thank for the welcome & direction, you are a God sent.
Have been reading & reading, did I say reading.... Friends/Family is exactly what I needed thank you. Those sticky's oooooohhhhh God do they hit home!
BTW love the Turkey Sauna LOL
Anna you are sooooo soooo right, stopping the drinking doesn't necessarily stop the existing problems in the relationship. That's where I am at. Time to step up to the next challenge, don't know how to begin, am here to learn & do. Thank you. & most especially Preserve what sanity I have & maybe introduce some to my H
Best jeekers a 2x4, was contemplating introducing his head to daylight again soon.
Guidance on how to reinforce solid boundaries with liveable consequences is where I am at.
.
I love this "If he treated you like he should in an unselfish way... he just may find that all "his" problems go away" ahhhh how to say that without raising his hackles:caveman because he is nearly perfect don't I know, seriously though it's those beautiful nuggets that help me, but if I share em with the one I love he sinks
I use the phrase, if you think I'm a b1tch, that is because you want to see me as 1, to justify your behaviour ... oops didn't truly hit the mark intended, more like fuel to stroke his wounded esteem!
Thank you Dora feeling understood here X
Have been reading & reading, did I say reading.... Friends/Family is exactly what I needed thank you. Those sticky's oooooohhhhh God do they hit home!
BTW love the Turkey Sauna LOL
Anna you are sooooo soooo right, stopping the drinking doesn't necessarily stop the existing problems in the relationship. That's where I am at. Time to step up to the next challenge, don't know how to begin, am here to learn & do. Thank you. & most especially Preserve what sanity I have & maybe introduce some to my H
Best jeekers a 2x4, was contemplating introducing his head to daylight again soon.
Guidance on how to reinforce solid boundaries with liveable consequences is where I am at.
.
I love this "If he treated you like he should in an unselfish way... he just may find that all "his" problems go away" ahhhh how to say that without raising his hackles:caveman because he is nearly perfect don't I know, seriously though it's those beautiful nuggets that help me, but if I share em with the one I love he sinks
I use the phrase, if you think I'm a b1tch, that is because you want to see me as 1, to justify your behaviour ... oops didn't truly hit the mark intended, more like fuel to stroke his wounded esteem!
Thank you Dora feeling understood here X
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