odaat

Chiynita, I feel a lot of sadness reading your post. You've written a lot of things which I've felt recently. I know how hard recovery is, and some days it doesn't feel worth it. My Mum told me to give AA my everything for 6 months, and after that if I don't like it, I can have my misery back. Could you get to some NA meetings, and give it absolutely everything for 6 months? You've got to be willing to go to any lengths nessercary to recover - thats one thing I'm struggling with. My sponsor suggests allsorts of good things for me to do, and I whinge, and cry and fight and complain - but I do get on and do them. Ain't easy, but its getting easier.

I hope you will keep talking to us, and keep posting. Your posts help me.

Anodyne

I see a lot of people saying black outs don't happen sober, when in all actuality, they do. There are things called Dissociative fugue states, wich can range from minutes to hours to months, where a person literally blacks out, or loses their memory, or forgets who they are.

They can be caused by a personality disorder, post traumatic stress, or generalized stress in general.

This is quite rare, however, as studies suggest it appears in .02% of the populance.

But, Chiynita, anything is worth looking into.
I know when I was drinking I would say all sorts of things, all sorts of lies, even to myself, to the point where I believed them myself, just to get my drunk on. Either way, I'm sure it is scary, and it makes me sad for you that this went on.

I hope you look into all your available options..I'm new to this myself, but I do know that a lot of things are said repeatedly because they have years and years of truth behind them..the 90/90, and the "you have to be willing to do ANYTHING to stay sober/clean for this to work."

You'll be in my prayers, yesterday is over, today is just begun

Jomey

Hey Chiy - I'm sorry. I don't have any words of wisdom, and I never was much good at tough love, so....I'm gonna settle with plain ole I love you, friend, and I hope you do what you need to do. Listen to the folks here. Praying for you

Rowan

Trish,

Have you checked online to see what drug addicts look like after using for years?

Rowan

Or .. maybe they won't be so 'lucky'

Rowan

Hope

Chiy, you can get it but you have to be willing to do whatever it takes for the sake of recovery even if you don't want to do it. Even if you don't want to do it, do it anyway. A clean life is worth the hard work.

If I never listened to any of the suggestions that people gave me, I'd probably be spiraled down in an alcohol and drug-induced haze right now. I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to be drunk/high. The cost of continuing was way higher than the cost of doing what it takes for recovery.

Follow suggestions. Find recovery. Live the beautiful life that you were meant to live.

We're here for you Chiy. Don't give up!

GrouchoTheCat

Chiy,

There is an awful lot of love here. Some tough, some gentler.

The people here care deeply about you, as do I.

Go to AA, go to NA, venture out in your world and find the people that care about you in person. They are already there, and they already care for you deeply, even though they have not yet met you.

Look at the love here and bring it into your life in person.

Save your life.

Dee74

I'm hoping some of this gets through.
You've got a hard head, Trish, but you're not dumb.

Your old life will kill you.

Time to let go.

Time to give in, and surrender.

D

chicago

All the responses have been dead on. Atleast a half-dozen times I've told you the suggestions people gave me that have worked (sponsorship, steps, meetings, etc). Seeing this disease institutionalize, kill, and put people in prison tears at my heart. Do you even want to be sober?

Hope

I just want to tell you Chiy that I really care about you and that is why I am telling you to take the suggestions. I hate seeing this disease hurt you and make you feel so bad. I know how much it tears you up inside after you use.

Pick yourself back up and keep going. Don't stop and stay stuck in the lies of this disease. Your life is worth it... you hang in there hon please don't ever give up.

There is always hope. Don't ever let hope go. Hold on to it with all you got.

Missymae737

This is tough love...

This is reality...It is frightening to think that a chemical can destroy your appearance, destroy your mind as well...The end result can be death with a life lived in misery...

Come on Chiy, don't go down that road... You are worth much more...

wiscgirl30

I see you haven't posted since yesterday....I hope you are doing okay.

I dont know you (have read a few of your posts) but makes me so sad to hear your hopelessness. It is obvious to me these people care about you immensely, and thus the "tough love." I hope you will listen to their advice.

I think an inpatient program would be the best for you. Get in a place where you absolutely cannot use. With your "sober blackout", I hope you will get in touch with a psychiatrist as alcohol or drugs my not be your only issue here, there may be an underlying psychiatric disorder that some meds may be able to help you with.

No one knows what you are feeling inside, but I for one am happy you are posting...

carl11

you have to keep trying.....you have to..I have relapsed 3 times…..it sux, but you cannot let the guilt of the disease convince you it’s not worth trying to get to the solution….I am sitting here after drinking the last 2 days….pitying myself….I am not sure if I can stop right now, but I have to keep trying….you have to keep trying….I tell myself that if not this time, maybe next time, I will finally find the real will to not drink….for the long term….when I went to my home grp. meeting, a couple of weeks ago, I admitted I had fallen and the folks in the room, were impressed that I came right back…I wasn’t impressed…just desperate….they said; “keep coming back…it will eventually work”….well, I fell again this weekend...but so what....we have to keep trying…one day we will get truly sick and tired of being sick and tired and realize that the reason is plain….its using ……….keep trying..please…

parentrecovers

chiy...recovery is possible. hugs and support, k

Luckyv2

This is one of my daily readings that I do every morning and I thought of this thread when I read it. Hope it helps those who struggle and those of us who don't today.







Carefully consider your choices. But don't get so consumed with making the perfect choice that you fail to make any choice at all.

Most choices will involve some degree of compromise. In the real world, the perfect option may not be available to you.


Instead of holding out for a perfect choice that never does come, make the best choice from the options available to you. It's better to move forward with a slight degree of disappointment than to be endlessly stuck on making a decision.


Carefully and wisely consider your options, then go ahead and choose one. Take what you have to work with and begin actually working with it to create real value in your world.


Remember that the fulfillment of your dreams is a journey and not a single step. It is unrealistic and counterproductive to expect that a single choice will solve all your problems or instantly bring you everything you ever hoped for.


Over time, careful, intelligent choices will get you precisely where you want to go, even though each individual choice will involve a little compromise. Keep choosing the best every chance you get, and those dreams will indeed become real.


-- Ralph Marston

leeside

It might help you if you right click your mouse on one of those before and after photos Missymae posted from Rowans post and set it as "Desktop Background".

PaperDolls

Chi, I hope you check back here soon.

I suggest getting yourself to the nearest hospital/treatment center for inpatient treatment. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Get there. Yesterday.

We all care about you and want you to succeed. You ARE worth it.

Aysha

OK..The pity party is over.
Although this last relapse didnt affect me nowhere near like the last one..Thank God. I will never do that again.
I just cant seem to get past a month and a half.
After waking up and sorta "autopiloting" to the city the first time. I felt like it didnt matter after that.
But it does and I can stop after one slip. It doesnt have to be "Oh I messed up once..might as well make it count and go all the way." BULLS***!!!
I am not a quitter! And I dont know what all that heroin talk is. Maybe it's me wanting to give up and really wanting to do damage to myself. I dont know. But I will never and I mean NEVER touch that stuff. I get self destructive. Especially when I disappoint myself. I didnt lose everything I learned over my little clean time. I will not make it worse. And I am going to just pick up where I left off and keep trying. I didnt do too much damage the few times I went out. But thats not saying the next time wont be different. So I am going for no next time.
You know I wanted to be all feeling sorry for myself and let this get me to where maybe in the back of my mind it could be an excuse to say forget it and keep using.
I WILL NOT DO THAT.
YES...I WANT TO BE CLEAN AND SOBER. I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF THE DRUGS AND THE LIFESTYLE THAT GO WITH IT.
I want to live a normal happy clean life.
If I fall a million times thats ok..Because I will never stop trying.
Thank you all for your support and your responses. Absolutely amazing. I get so much strength from this board.
I love you all. Hopefully my internet will be back on in a couple weeks.
You guys are the best!!!