I guess i will never get it.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I guess i will never get it.
Well..I guess I will never get it.
I felt so strong in it this time.
It all started about 2 weeks ago. I was on my 40 something day. I woke up in the middle of the night and found myself just jumping out of bed and getting dressed. I knew what I was doing but it was like watching myself from outside . Kinda like watching myself on tv. Well the scary part is I dont remember finishing getting dress or walikng out my door and in to mytruck. I blacked out until I was already half way to the city. That to me is very scary.
So I have gotten high 3 or 4 times in the last 2 weeks. Spent all my money.
But I have also got a new problem. I have no idea why. but I feel the sudden urge to shoot heroine. I have never shot anything in my life. But I feel almost sick wanting to do it. It is all I think about. What is that all about?
It's like all my hard work over the past month and a half never happened.
All that working on my moods and personality all gone. Like it never happened.
I am not being to hard on myself this time. I am just going to brush my shoulders off and keep trying. But I just dont get the wanting to try the dog food thing. I mean I feel sick and masive urges to use that crap Why would I feel the urges and physical sickness to want tyo use that?
Anyone have any ideas? Last thing I need to do is to become a junkie.
Please someone shed some light on this for me?
I felt so strong in it this time.
It all started about 2 weeks ago. I was on my 40 something day. I woke up in the middle of the night and found myself just jumping out of bed and getting dressed. I knew what I was doing but it was like watching myself from outside . Kinda like watching myself on tv. Well the scary part is I dont remember finishing getting dress or walikng out my door and in to mytruck. I blacked out until I was already half way to the city. That to me is very scary.
So I have gotten high 3 or 4 times in the last 2 weeks. Spent all my money.
But I have also got a new problem. I have no idea why. but I feel the sudden urge to shoot heroine. I have never shot anything in my life. But I feel almost sick wanting to do it. It is all I think about. What is that all about?
It's like all my hard work over the past month and a half never happened.
All that working on my moods and personality all gone. Like it never happened.
I am not being to hard on myself this time. I am just going to brush my shoulders off and keep trying. But I just dont get the wanting to try the dog food thing. I mean I feel sick and masive urges to use that crap Why would I feel the urges and physical sickness to want tyo use that?
Anyone have any ideas? Last thing I need to do is to become a junkie.
Please someone shed some light on this for me?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MA.
Posts: 1,719
Chiy,
To be honest, I am let down about you...You were doing so well...
What is it going to take, your death, someone elses death?
You are cared for Chiy...We are here for you...BUT, you need to come here, go to an AA meeting, BEFORE picking up...
You are not a lost cause Chiy...Please try a little harder...
Thinking of you...
To be honest, I am let down about you...You were doing so well...
What is it going to take, your death, someone elses death?
You are cared for Chiy...We are here for you...BUT, you need to come here, go to an AA meeting, BEFORE picking up...
You are not a lost cause Chiy...Please try a little harder...
Thinking of you...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Colorado Prairie
Posts: 1,417
You shouldn't be struggling like you are. Here's what I see. I see you posting the same thing about your struggles over and over. You are being told the same thing over and over. There is a lot of people here with a lot of years of sobriety telling you what worked for them. They have found a way out and they are trying to pass it on to you. This good advise seems to be falling on deaf ears.
Here is some advise again. Go to A.A. Do a 90/90 for any number of reasons. First, a 90/90 will keep the solution fresh in your mind. Your thought pattern will shift the way of sobriety instead of the other direction. If you do a 90/90 and use the phone list instead of using something else, you will have 90 days of sobriety behind you and your system will be a lot cleaner. Find a meeting schedule and plot a course of meetings you can make. Secondly, if you do a 90/90 you will go to 90 meetings with an average of 10 people at them. That is 900 people you can help or get help from. Some of them you will have a lot in common with. Thirdly, it will keep you busy. Idle hands are the Devils workshop. I can't stress that enough. Stay Busy!!!
You ever notice that those on diets keep a picture of the naked fat lady on the fridge? Keep a picture of a bag lady on your fridge. That's where you're headed. I don't want to be the one to tell you that but it's a distinct reality. You're not going to wake up one day to find it was just a bad dream. Whatever you want in life isn't going to be handed to you. It just doesn't work that way. You need to set goals, desires and ambitions. I'm sure you have goals, desires and ambitions but you can forget about it if you don't get off the stuff.
Last but not least. Focus on the solution. If you focus on the answer, the answer increases. If you focus on a problem, the problem increases. That's why I suggest a 90/90 to help you with that.
Here is some advise again. Go to A.A. Do a 90/90 for any number of reasons. First, a 90/90 will keep the solution fresh in your mind. Your thought pattern will shift the way of sobriety instead of the other direction. If you do a 90/90 and use the phone list instead of using something else, you will have 90 days of sobriety behind you and your system will be a lot cleaner. Find a meeting schedule and plot a course of meetings you can make. Secondly, if you do a 90/90 you will go to 90 meetings with an average of 10 people at them. That is 900 people you can help or get help from. Some of them you will have a lot in common with. Thirdly, it will keep you busy. Idle hands are the Devils workshop. I can't stress that enough. Stay Busy!!!
You ever notice that those on diets keep a picture of the naked fat lady on the fridge? Keep a picture of a bag lady on your fridge. That's where you're headed. I don't want to be the one to tell you that but it's a distinct reality. You're not going to wake up one day to find it was just a bad dream. Whatever you want in life isn't going to be handed to you. It just doesn't work that way. You need to set goals, desires and ambitions. I'm sure you have goals, desires and ambitions but you can forget about it if you don't get off the stuff.
Last but not least. Focus on the solution. If you focus on the answer, the answer increases. If you focus on a problem, the problem increases. That's why I suggest a 90/90 to help you with that.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Ah Trish. I figured you had gone back out when I didn't hear from you. I won't bore you by repeating my past advice, I'll just say Welcome Back, and I hope and pray that you listen this time, that you become willing to listen and to take action.
ONE piece of advice - if you tell yourself that you'll never get it - guess what?
You never will.
Row
ONE piece of advice - if you tell yourself that you'll never get it - guess what?
You never will.
Row
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
Trish
you know what you need to do...if you truly want to stop...do what needs be done...
you can't fight this with one hand tied behind your back, and you obviously can't fight this alone.
Give in, surrender...and get help, hon.
D
you know what you need to do...if you truly want to stop...do what needs be done...
you can't fight this with one hand tied behind your back, and you obviously can't fight this alone.
Give in, surrender...and get help, hon.
D
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hmm...I am totally confused
Trish...I never heard of anyone having a sober blackout.
Blackouts occur when one drinks. Period.
I see members talking about AA to you.
In earlier post...you mention drug dealers and houses.
I never met an alcoholic who yearned for heroine.
Hennessey yes heroine no.
Why AA instead of NA?
AA's primary purpose is to stay sober
and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety.
Perhaps NA is where you can find recovery.
I sure hope so..
Blessings
I blacked out until I was already half way to the city. That to me is very scary.
Blackouts occur when one drinks. Period.
I see members talking about AA to you.
In earlier post...you mention drug dealers and houses.
I never met an alcoholic who yearned for heroine.
Hennessey yes heroine no.
Why AA instead of NA?
AA's primary purpose is to stay sober
and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety.
Perhaps NA is where you can find recovery.
I sure hope so..
Blessings
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Relapse TRIGGER........TRIGGER...........TRIGGER.......... ..TRIGGER.................TRIGGER
Hi Chyi,
From what all I have read it almost seems like you are setting yourself up for a relapse. It is scary to think you got up, got dressed, and went where????
I don't know if the desire for Heroin is a wish to have something that will give you a stronger high or if you just desire a different type of drug taken a different way.
I am not able to give you advice about drugs since I didn't use them but I consider alcohol a drug same as a drug is a drug in my book. I just finished watching a documentary on TV about Meth and how fast it takes a person down to nothing...being unable to do anything...rotting teeth...sores from itching and picking..infections..vomitting...you all know more than I do but it only showed one man that had been clean a year and the change in his appearance was a miracle. It also showed young women in jail still showing the effects of Meth use. It is so sad
The Police Department in Portland, I think, showed how easy it was to make a batch of Meth with all the poisons in the mixture that has to cook down. They also showed pictures of young people all burned over their body from the cooking process blowing up....need I say more. I know an addiction is very hard to deal with.
With my addiction to alcohol I worked in hospitals that treated alcoholics and many of them died. Was it something that would be in my future of drinking? Of course! But I didn't think I was THAT bad!
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,789
hi Chiy,
Surrender and do what is suggested by others that have been where you are and have been clean for some time. I agree with Carol and Anna.
By the way you don't have to shoot up smack to be an addict. Get some help.
Kevin
Surrender and do what is suggested by others that have been where you are and have been clean for some time. I agree with Carol and Anna.
By the way you don't have to shoot up smack to be an addict. Get some help.
Kevin
not a greeter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: padmasana
Posts: 13,927
Maybe Chiy meant she was like on auto pilot and not an actual black out? That's how I read it anyway.
In either case, I hope you start listening to the advice people give you... you will get it when you really want it.
In either case, I hope you start listening to the advice people give you... you will get it when you really want it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
I read it that way too...I've been on auto pilot..getting dressed, leaving the house, catching the bus, (in my case) going to the liquor store...I think most of us have....
check in Chiy
D
check in Chiy
D
JUST DO IT!!
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
Originally Posted by chiynita 
But I have also got a new problem. I have no idea why. but I feel the sudden urge to shoot heroine. I have never shot anything in my life. But I feel almost sick wanting to do it. It is all I think about. What is that all about?
That my dear is the progression of this sh!tten disease that we have to deal with on a daily basis no matter how much time we have clean we will always have to deal with the dis-ease of it.
Anyone have any ideas? Last thing I need to do is to become a junkie.
Please someone shed some light on this for me?
That my dear is the progression of this sh!tten disease that we have to deal with on a daily basis no matter how much time we have clean we will always have to deal with the dis-ease of it.
Anyone have any ideas? Last thing I need to do is to become a junkie.
Please someone shed some light on this for me?
My recovery is the most important gift that I have. I WILL NOT let anything or anyone come between me and my RECOVERY! I don't care who it is or what it is.
Here recently I was pretty much propositioned by a lovely lady. Yes I am lonely a lot but I will stay that way if that is what it takes for me to stay clean. This gal and I used to shoot dope together, now we are clean. Can I hang with her? NO NO NO
The reason is because this is my own opinion that one day out of no where we will justify using together. I will not allow that to happen. But if I would to focus on well maybe we wouldn't let's give it a try or focus on using period I would and could be high before the night is over. I have all my bills paid, I get another check here is less than a week and still have about $400.00 right now on me. It would be so easy for me to go seek death but I choose not to.
Just do it darlin. No one or nothing can do it for ya. Yeah you will hear that God will do it but I will tell ya just like my mom told me "God only helps those who help themselves" so it is up to us to recovery NOT GOD That is my opinion as of right now
of course willing to change if I see something that might spark some other side. Take care and since I don't pray that much I will keep ya in my thoughts.:ghugOh BTW I have turned in my key to NA I get tired of all the BS that goes on there. I am still clean and in AA. They are all the same steps that is where recovery starts and of course than on step 12 we can carry the message. A place in the Big Book says "you can not give away what you don't have" paraphrasing here. Take care. I LOVE YOU!
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I never heard of sober blackouts either. But I have no memory of leaving my house up until I was already half way there. Blackout..auto pilot..whatever you want to call it. It freaked me out. After that it was just the same ole routine without even thinking about it.
This sucks. Sometimes I just want to say forget all this wanting to recover crap and just do what I've done for so many years. It so much easier and alot less confusing. Sometimes I would rather die or end up in jail than try and keep figuring out this whole road to recovery. It is stressful. Yes alot more stressful than using. I am tired. Tired of trying and failing. Tired of the disappointment and the let down. The frustration. I am so sick of having to make this an everyday struggle. I am tired of my life having to revolve around whethter I get high or not.
I know alot of you are going to give me **** for this post. I am sorry. But that is how I feel RIGHT NOW.
I dont want to give up the good fight. But I am sick of losing. I am sick of the weakness. I am just sick of it all. I want to kill the person that gave me my first crack hit. My family has had it. I have had it. I dont think I will be on here again for awhile until I get my thoughts and priorities together.
You all are the best and always will be. But I know my mentality right now has no benefit to this board. Thanks for all your posts.
This sucks. Sometimes I just want to say forget all this wanting to recover crap and just do what I've done for so many years. It so much easier and alot less confusing. Sometimes I would rather die or end up in jail than try and keep figuring out this whole road to recovery. It is stressful. Yes alot more stressful than using. I am tired. Tired of trying and failing. Tired of the disappointment and the let down. The frustration. I am so sick of having to make this an everyday struggle. I am tired of my life having to revolve around whethter I get high or not.
I know alot of you are going to give me **** for this post. I am sorry. But that is how I feel RIGHT NOW.
I dont want to give up the good fight. But I am sick of losing. I am sick of the weakness. I am just sick of it all. I want to kill the person that gave me my first crack hit. My family has had it. I have had it. I dont think I will be on here again for awhile until I get my thoughts and priorities together.
You all are the best and always will be. But I know my mentality right now has no benefit to this board. Thanks for all your posts.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MA.
Posts: 1,719
Originally Posted by chiynita
This sucks. Sometimes I just want to say forget all this wanting to recover crap and just do what I've done for so many years. It so much easier and alot less confusing. Sometimes I would rather die or end up in jail than try and keep figuring out this whole road to recovery.
Chiy,
The road to recovery is no mystery...ONCE you make up your mind to STOP using, admit you are powerless, and grab onto all the support that is waiting for you, life does become easier, a day at a time...
My first month of sobriety was very challenging but, I USED the tools of recovery to stay sober no matter what...
I see a lot of self pity in your post which in early recovery I struggled with along with anger...
When you have suffered enough, maybe you will come to your senses and see that there is no other way but to live sober...
Come on Chiy, You can do this is if you really WANT to...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Chiy -
I was worried this is why we haven't heard from you.
I can't offer any advice that hasn't already been offered. I can only tell you that the last time I used crack, it was all I could think about. Today (almost 8 months later) it is the LAST thing I want to do. As far as the heroin, it reminds me of when I figured I'd already screwed up my life, so might as well REALLY screw it up (never shot up heroin, but did a lot of other heavy duty opiates).
To me, it sounds like you're wanting to do more "research". I hate it, but I can't make you reach your bottom any more than anyone could make me reach mine. You know where we are, PM me anytime (I work nights but am here most mornings).
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I was worried this is why we haven't heard from you.
I can't offer any advice that hasn't already been offered. I can only tell you that the last time I used crack, it was all I could think about. Today (almost 8 months later) it is the LAST thing I want to do. As far as the heroin, it reminds me of when I figured I'd already screwed up my life, so might as well REALLY screw it up (never shot up heroin, but did a lot of other heavy duty opiates).
To me, it sounds like you're wanting to do more "research". I hate it, but I can't make you reach your bottom any more than anyone could make me reach mine. You know where we are, PM me anytime (I work nights but am here most mornings).
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Welcome back Chi.
I hadn't seen you post for a while and I kinda thought...well... you know.
Not much else for me to say either. But I will repeat what I've said to you before.
I couldn't do this thing alone. I don't think you'll be able to either. 12 stop programs (AA.NA.GA.OA, whatever) have helped millions.
I was confident that I was different. That this is for most people, but not me. I was wrong,
Do like I did. Swallow your pride, walk into the rooms, listen, do what they suggest, and recover.
I hadn't seen you post for a while and I kinda thought...well... you know.
Not much else for me to say either. But I will repeat what I've said to you before.
I couldn't do this thing alone. I don't think you'll be able to either. 12 stop programs (AA.NA.GA.OA, whatever) have helped millions.
I was confident that I was different. That this is for most people, but not me. I was wrong,
Do like I did. Swallow your pride, walk into the rooms, listen, do what they suggest, and recover.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Well.. I have no clue why I would be going to
AA unless drinking was my addiction.
Dually addicted?
I suggest you concentrate on your primary addiction.
Go to meetings where that is the focus.
AA is not for everyone nor is it for social contacts
or crack addicts ...or eating disorders...or ???
Please read the book Alcoholics Anonymous
for instructions on how to recover from alcoholism
The first 164 pages are the key.
Go to AA meetings to learn about and grow in your
recovery from alcoholism
Meetings are the doorway.
That has been my experience and is my opinion
Blessings
AA unless drinking was my addiction.
Dually addicted?
I suggest you concentrate on your primary addiction.
Go to meetings where that is the focus.
AA is not for everyone nor is it for social contacts
or crack addicts ...or eating disorders...or ???
Please read the book Alcoholics Anonymous
for instructions on how to recover from alcoholism
The first 164 pages are the key.
Go to AA meetings to learn about and grow in your
recovery from alcoholism
Meetings are the doorway.
That has been my experience and is my opinion
Blessings
JUST DO IT!!
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
Originally Posted by chiynita
I want to kill the person that gave me my first crack hit. My family has had it. I have had it.
In NA no where in the Steps or The Traditions does it mention DRUGS! It mentions addictions and the definition of that is simple. Obsessive/Compulsive Behavior is what we suffer from. Most of us can get addicted to anything that we touch and one of the blessings (if you will) is that we can also become addicted to RECOVERY!
I always thought that Vic had it harder than anyone! That this was OK for you all but I was different. I had it worse, my wife left me, My kids hated me, My Dog bit me,
: I could go on and on with excuses. But when I finally started to look at ME and what MY part was than I didn't have to live in the river of DENIAL. I wasn't no different than anyone else here and I am no different than most normal folks. They even have confusion from time to time.They say in the program that this is for people who want it not for people who need it. Well I don't have to believe everything that I hear either because I am not so sure that I really wanted it either. I think that it is for people who just DO IT!
No one could make Vic go to meetings, to work the steps, to try to live a different life. With all the suggestions and stuff that kept being passed my way, I was the only one that could take the action on them. This is a program of ACTION (Do IT) nothing more nothing less. Pretty simple but the hardest thing that I have ever had to do.
Right now I have a choice, there was a time when I didn't have a choice, my addiction kept me trapped. Not today. It says in the BB a) WE were Powerless. As long as I don't pick up I am not powerless today. I have tools that were freely given to me and they are being freely given to you also my friend. But the tools will not work unless we pick them up and DO IT Hugs
One more thing, it is the first one that kills us just don't pick up that first one.
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