Nowhere to turn
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 138
Nowhere to turn
Hi. I am married to a substance abuse counselor who is substance abuser. I knew that he had a history with drugs and alchohol when I met him but that was 10 years ago. The other night I caught him using heroin! I woke up and walked in on him right before he started to cook it. Because I busted him, he ended up mixing it in a cup of water and drinking it before he could shoot it. I kicked him out for a week. The week he was gone, I found needles, envelopes from the herion and damn near every spoon in my drawer bent. I tracked the ATM withdrawals back about 3 weeks the morning I kicked him out. At first he denied using but I had it tested by a cop friend and confirmed my worst fears. He made no attempt to correct me when I accussed him stealing money out of the account for 3 weeks. I have since found it, it's been going on for while.
I let him back in when he told me he hadn't used since I kicked him out. He said he had it, it was a bad time and he never wanted to even think about it again - that he had clearly used bad judgment and could not be a good substance abuse counselor if he was actively engaged in shooting heroin. I beleived him.
As bad luck would have it, I was doing laundry and found a spoon in the leg pocket of some pants. He said that was from before. I found an empty envelope under the seat of his car. I checked his cell phone and figured out who his dealer was. He and the dealer exchanged several calls last night according to his call history (he says the guy called him and he called him back to say "no thanks") and this morning, based on those series of calls, I came back home an hour after leaving for work. He was getting dressed and I noticed blood spatters on his undershirt. When I pointed out the blood stains, he said that was from before too cause blood doesn't wash out. I have been doing his laundry for a long time and I have NEVER noticed blood stains on his shirts (tabasco sauce yes, blood, no).
I don't know what to do. He cannot go into a treatment program without loosing his certification, he cannot go into treatment because he'll loose his job. He knows EVERYBODY in the field and apparently I cannot talk to anyone about how I'M feeling because it could damage his reputation but I feel like I'm living a lie. I have two children from a prior marriage and a one year old with my husband. I don't want her to grow up with a junkie as a daddy and I don't want my older children to catch him. I don't want police at my house or to get a call telling me he's been found dead in the car with a needle hanging out of his arm!
I really have nobody to turn to. All my friends say to get out dodge and leave him immediately. He is jeapordizing our life, our family, his career and potentially mine as well since I work with the law. He is mad cause I can't let it go and just cart blanche trust him. Why can't he understand that he has stolen from us, lied to us and betrayed us in the worst way and although I let him back in, I am hyperaware of every move, every behavior, every inconsistency, every dollar spent. He says I'm invading his privacy by going through his phone or crawling into bed in the middle of the night with a flashlight to look at his arm. I think I'm being careful. I keep telling him he can show me better than he can tell me that he's clean but these unfortunate series of events keeps me from beleiving him. Plus, he has told me a million times that he's good at his job cause he's been there and he knows all the lies, all the cons, all the excuses that a doper will use to cover themselves - so why, please tell me, should I believe him? Is it bad luck or evidence?
I let him back in when he told me he hadn't used since I kicked him out. He said he had it, it was a bad time and he never wanted to even think about it again - that he had clearly used bad judgment and could not be a good substance abuse counselor if he was actively engaged in shooting heroin. I beleived him.
As bad luck would have it, I was doing laundry and found a spoon in the leg pocket of some pants. He said that was from before. I found an empty envelope under the seat of his car. I checked his cell phone and figured out who his dealer was. He and the dealer exchanged several calls last night according to his call history (he says the guy called him and he called him back to say "no thanks") and this morning, based on those series of calls, I came back home an hour after leaving for work. He was getting dressed and I noticed blood spatters on his undershirt. When I pointed out the blood stains, he said that was from before too cause blood doesn't wash out. I have been doing his laundry for a long time and I have NEVER noticed blood stains on his shirts (tabasco sauce yes, blood, no).
I don't know what to do. He cannot go into a treatment program without loosing his certification, he cannot go into treatment because he'll loose his job. He knows EVERYBODY in the field and apparently I cannot talk to anyone about how I'M feeling because it could damage his reputation but I feel like I'm living a lie. I have two children from a prior marriage and a one year old with my husband. I don't want her to grow up with a junkie as a daddy and I don't want my older children to catch him. I don't want police at my house or to get a call telling me he's been found dead in the car with a needle hanging out of his arm!
I really have nobody to turn to. All my friends say to get out dodge and leave him immediately. He is jeapordizing our life, our family, his career and potentially mine as well since I work with the law. He is mad cause I can't let it go and just cart blanche trust him. Why can't he understand that he has stolen from us, lied to us and betrayed us in the worst way and although I let him back in, I am hyperaware of every move, every behavior, every inconsistency, every dollar spent. He says I'm invading his privacy by going through his phone or crawling into bed in the middle of the night with a flashlight to look at his arm. I think I'm being careful. I keep telling him he can show me better than he can tell me that he's clean but these unfortunate series of events keeps me from beleiving him. Plus, he has told me a million times that he's good at his job cause he's been there and he knows all the lies, all the cons, all the excuses that a doper will use to cover themselves - so why, please tell me, should I believe him? Is it bad luck or evidence?
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
nice to meet you, djp - sorry you are struggling. my daughter is an alcoholic/addict and alanon meetings and private counseling really help me.
take care of yourself and your children. and know that you have no control over his addiction, only how it affects your life and that of your kids..
keep posting! blessings, k
take care of yourself and your children. and know that you have no control over his addiction, only how it affects your life and that of your kids..
keep posting! blessings, k
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 138
I'm seeing a counselor on Thursday but that's soooo far away when this is in my face right now. I really resent him for bring his hardship into our lives. It makes me feel so dirty!
I am SO angry and so obsessed with trying to catch him in a lie. He says that is not normal behavior on my part. Why isn't it?
I am SO angry and so obsessed with trying to catch him in a lie. He says that is not normal behavior on my part. Why isn't it?
Last edited by DevastatedJP; 10-16-2007 at 10:31 AM. Reason: to add
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
I can't imagine what you are going through. I just wanted to welcome you, and assure you that you will meet others here who will have a good idea what it's like living with an addict.
Please feel free to check out our Friends and Family of Substance Abusers forum.
Please feel free to check out our Friends and Family of Substance Abusers forum.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 138
Thanks
I never thought I would get so many responses so soon!! It is so nice to talk to people who don't pass judgment. I love this man but he is NOT the man I married. I want him back. Every day I'm afraid that the love is going to diminish.
I don't know what it's like to addicted nor do I know what it's like to battle those types of demons. Without trust, there is nothing and I can't just give it back because he says it's over.
I already found out that this has been going on for longer than I initially thought and I told him that trying to accept that is like trying to get over a one night stand vs. a long term affair. One time is a mistake, a long time is more like love. I want to be the one to give him that feeling! I resent the money he's spent and the loans I've gotten to try and cover bills because he missed work due to being "sick" from the antibiotics a doctor prescribed. I feel very very stupid.
I don't know what it's like to addicted nor do I know what it's like to battle those types of demons. Without trust, there is nothing and I can't just give it back because he says it's over.
I already found out that this has been going on for longer than I initially thought and I told him that trying to accept that is like trying to get over a one night stand vs. a long term affair. One time is a mistake, a long time is more like love. I want to be the one to give him that feeling! I resent the money he's spent and the loans I've gotten to try and cover bills because he missed work due to being "sick" from the antibiotics a doctor prescribed. I feel very very stupid.
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
hi there and welcome
I'm sorry for your pain - imho you have more than enough 'evidence' - but I htink you know that...point is what are you going to do?? He is sounding v selfish saying you can't share about it! Can you look up an al-anon meeting?? There should be one today . tonight so you don't have to wait for yoru counsellor...you are not stupid, addicts are MASTER manipulators! look after YOU - your husband must sort himself out make suyre you don't get dragged down too....
good luck keep posting
cathy31
x
I'm sorry for your pain - imho you have more than enough 'evidence' - but I htink you know that...point is what are you going to do?? He is sounding v selfish saying you can't share about it! Can you look up an al-anon meeting?? There should be one today . tonight so you don't have to wait for yoru counsellor...you are not stupid, addicts are MASTER manipulators! look after YOU - your husband must sort himself out make suyre you don't get dragged down too....
good luck keep posting
cathy31
x
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
Oh...can I ever relate and feel your pain. My live-in addict was my oldest son...for 10 years I suffered through the lost jobs, detoxes, rehabs, jail time, hoping "this time" would be different. Believing the lies...having to actually walk in on him with the shoelace tied around his arm and the needle going in before I could confront him with the truth. Being a recovering alcoholic myself, I could never understand the pull of the heroin...how could anyone go through such tortuous detoxing only to return to that garbage?
Facing eviction because he had systematically ATM'ed me into such debt I was forced to make a life-changing decision that would seriously affect both our lives.
I gave him two weeks to check into the VA hospital while I immediately checked into a nursing home. The apartment furnishings had to be disposed of and notice given to the landlord that we were vacating. That was eight months ago, and this is the longest he's been clean and sober in almost thirty years.
However you're able to do it, my best advice to you would be :codiepolice In the meantime, seek support through Nar-Anon (friends and family of addicts). Keep us posted.
Facing eviction because he had systematically ATM'ed me into such debt I was forced to make a life-changing decision that would seriously affect both our lives.
I gave him two weeks to check into the VA hospital while I immediately checked into a nursing home. The apartment furnishings had to be disposed of and notice given to the landlord that we were vacating. That was eight months ago, and this is the longest he's been clean and sober in almost thirty years.
However you're able to do it, my best advice to you would be :codiepolice In the meantime, seek support through Nar-Anon (friends and family of addicts). Keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: McKean, PA
Posts: 2
Sorry to hear that you are having trouble. I have some concerns about you wanting to catch him in a lie again... I mean you already have. He is going to continue to lie whether you catch him or not, at least until he get clean again. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself and your kids! Maybe you could call the counseling center that you have an individual appointment with and ask them if there are some support groups meeting prior to your individual appointment. I know someone to talk to in person can be a big help when there is a crisis in life that just does not seem to end. Make sure you take care of yourself, he obviously isn't going to. I was married to an addict for twenty years before I escaped. I really wish I had left sooner.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
