Pilgrim

In February/March this year I realised I needed to stop drinking. I was very sick. It wasn't working any more so I had to drink enormous amounts for any effect. My life was unmanageable. I wanted to die.

So I had to stop. In order to do that I came here for help and I went to AA meetings and I did the steps.

BUT - and this is kind of embarrassing to admit - until today, I never had the desire to stop drinking. I knew I musn't drink but I still wanted to be able to. I was working so hard on accepting the fact that I couldn't drink. Like someone who is in an accident and loses a leg. We never grow one back.

Except not having alcohol in my life is not a handicap. I haven't lost a leg in reality. Sure - it sometimes feels like my solution has been taken away from me and it's bloody hard but the truth is more that I have been given a new leg. It's a miracle and I want it to stay.

So I have made a decision today. It's not a reaction to a situation - it's a full blown decision.

I don't want to drink alcohol any more. I have a desire to stop - not a deisre to find a way to deal with something I was forced into.

The stuff isn't nice for me. I don't want to touch it. I don't want it in my body any more. It's a wierd thing to be - drunk. I am sure there will be days when I want oblivion -when I remember the old effects of the stuff before it became hell.

With AA, SR and my higher power behind me, I have faith that I can stick to this decision.

What a relief.

74 days sober today.
2 days codie free.

Anna

Hi Pilgrim,

I can totally relate to your statments. When I stopped drinking, it was because of my health and I knew I had to stop. At some point, I realized I that wanted to not drink and that I liked living a sober life. So, now you've made that decision, you can move forward and live the life you were meant to live.

Justme57

Good morning Pilgrim,

WOW! that is fantastic ! it IS a relief isn't it ? I know, that it wasn't until I actually "conceded to my innermost self" that I was an Alcoholic , that I began to grow in my recovery .

I used to hear all the idioms ,at meetings " let go", throw in the towel" ect, and never really understood , but when I just accepted, and stopped fighting, the obsession left me , i no longer think about drinking, nor do I think about not drinking, it has given me the freedom to work my steps, and grow in my recovery

Congratulations on your 74 days , well done !


HUGX
Leigh

Room1

Hi, I am glad you have made that decision, it must feel like a weight has been lifted off your mind?

Myself, I am at 20 days sober and don't know what I think yet. I know I HAD to stop. I am not sure if I wanted to or not. Hopefully the more sober time I get, I will feel the same as you because I can't go back to where I was.

Sax

Pilgrim

Hi Leigh. You are up early hun!!

Hi Sax. Yeah - it does feel good right now. And that's all we have. Well done on 20 days!

Hi Anna. That made me cry. The life I was meant to live part I mean. Thank you.

I have to go to work now. Daily reading first. I'll be back!!

mike_mass

Pilgrim,

I like your thinking!

Missymae737

Pigrim,

Yup, that STUFF is poison...It is a born killer!!!

GlassPrisoner

Actually, I wanted to stop. I just couldn't ! Well, I couldn't stop and stay stopped at least.

I had tp stop. That was obvious. The little Angel on my shoulder was saying "Ty,this is bad, you have to do something". Even the little devil on the other shoulder was saying 'Umm, dude, I'd listen to the Ange if I were you".

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

I'm feel that the desire to drink was lifted from me when I did my 3rd step recently. I hope and pray that it stays that way! I've just realized this past week or so when I've had a few things going on, and its weird (and a blessing) that even at my most tearing-my-hair-out-worrying-to-death moments, I still don't have that thought that I could have a drink (or seven) and it'll all go away for a bit.

I'm happy for you Steph!

Karen

Pilgrim

Thanks Karen and GP and Missy and Mike.

I thought I wanted to stop too until today.

Somewhere deep down though, I feel different. Before now "I wanted to stop wanting" to drink because I knew I had to stop.

By staying in the programme long enough, the desire to drink left me long enough for me to see what being sober is like. Now I want to not drink. I have a desire to stop instead of a desire to cope with a horrible situation.

paulmh

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!

Pilgrim, you're doing great. I love the way you share so honestly about what you're feeling. PLease bear in mind that it seems to be pretty widely accepted within AA that for the first year in recovery we're quite, quite barking. There are bound to be ups and downs, and they feel wild because we're not doing what we've always done which is hammering them flat with a bottle.

I look back fondly on my first year or so because I was completely unstable in comparison to today (and of course, life still happens, and they say five years is a tricky time...), but during the first year all I was really able to get into the habit of was -

Don't pick up that first drink, just for today.
The Serenity Prayer.
Keep it in the day.
This too shall pass.

Everyone's experience is different and I just relate mine, y'understand!

Pleased that something "clicked" for you. Get used to the sound. The longer you practice the programme the more "clicks" you'll probably hear - until one day you read the Promises and you'll go - wow. They're talking about me.

Rusty Zipper

congrats on day 2 codie...

thats at time harder to stop then D'n D'n lol

a honest desire to a way better life...

my, how you've grown steph!

xxoo, rz

Tazman53

Steph I love your post, I would love to hear you share! That is a fantastic feeling, I expereinced it for the first time at about 7-8 months, the night before doing my 4th/5th step with my sponsor, I was in a state between sleep and awake, I can not describe it, but WOW!!!!

I was totally shocked, I thought there was no way that the miracle would come to this old drunk that quickly, but it did.

I had something about 3 weeks ago happened that reaffirmed the miracle of it all to me. My wife asked me as we were leaving an open speakers meeting she goes to with me once a week "Martin if you were told you only had 6 months to live would you drink again?", it really struck home for me again, because without hesitation I replied "No hon I wouldn't, I enjoy being sober to much."

Keep sharing Steph, we all love to see your growth and joy.

wylielass

Pilgrim, thanks so much for this post. It really hit home with me. Right now I'm where you were... I've quit drinking because I NEED to quit. My health is suffering, my finances are wrecked, and my personal and professional life are strained to near the breaking point.

And yet... I don't really WANT to quit!!! I'm resentful that I can't hang out at my old haunts and party like I used to. I can only hope and pray that at some point I will be sober out of desire, not fear.

Thanks for putting it into words and sharing.

Brenda

Pilgrim

Thanks so much again. I wake every morning to these lovely notes. They make me cry. I don't feel alone.

I didn't make this decision on my own did I? The desire to stop has been given to me. I mean I am an alcoholic and today, I don't want to drink any more. If that isn't a miracle - I'll eat my shorts.

I see now why the spritual part of recovery is so important.

Keep going Brenda sweetie and don't give up. Get all the help you can. Grip onto your recovery and when you want to drink, ring someone - another alcoholic. We are with you all the way.

Jfanagle

It was almost 1 year into the program of AA, and that same amount of time without a drink, before I GOT IT! I was walking out of a meeting and it hit me like a ton of bricks. IT WASN"T THAT I COULDN"T DRINK ANYMORE, IT WAS THAT I DIDN"T HAVE TO!!

Jon