ShouldIBeHere

I'll try to give you the short version of my story: I'm in my mid 30s. In my early 20s, I went to AA, partially because I fell in love with someone in recovery and partially bc I had a pot smoking problem. I smoked pot every day. If I was awake, I was high. I think I had a few moments of clarity and decided it was time to grow up and quit. However, I had insane cravings. Before I came to AA, I did wreck a car, jumped from job to job, had multiple affairs... did probably typical early 20s stuff. I think I finally woke up after a few years in AA and decided it was time to get my life together. I went back to school, held public office, started a new career, got involved in my community. I was in AA for almost 8 years.
I had a major fight with my sponsor, who took a bad day out on me. I took her inventory and said F it. I came back to the rooms less than a year later because I was getting my degree and realized that I didn't get that on my own. While I was out, I drank 2-3 beers a day. I came back for a year and a half until I got burned out at work, had another argument with my sponsor and decided F it again.
Now I drink 2 beers a day. Sometimes I have 3, and rarely on the weekends 4. I don't drive after more than one beer, I haven't missed work. However, something is missing. I miss that connectedness I had with a spiritual program, and I definitely can say I'm not working on myself daily. But, I really DO like the taste of beer. I actually had some sips of Sake and decided I didn't want any more of it.
I'd like to work the 12 steps, but I don't think I'm an alcoholic. If I'm not, I can't go to closed meetings, and how do I work the 1st step if I don't think I have no control over alcohol? <I do try to control everything else around me though!> Our couples' shrink says that I get miserable when I drink, and I do admit that I can't stand most people and the way they act. However, I find it easy to write her off bc her husband is in AA. But maybe I'm just in denial, like my old sponsor has hinted.
Interested in your thoughts and whatever message might pop up. Thanks in advance.

parentrecovers

thanks for sharing your story, should. keep posting! k

Anna

Hi,

Welcome!

You said you don't believe that you're an alcoholic and if that's true, then why do you think need a recovery program? You don't need AA to find a spiritual connection in life. I've been sober 7 years and I'm not an AA person, and I have a huge spiritual connection in my life. It's been one of the blessings of recovery for me. It helps my life to make sense. If you're missing a spiritual connection, try meditation or hiking/jogging or just spending some time in nature and trying to get in tune with your soul. If you're in denial, then look deeply and answer honestly.

best

Something I was told early on... Every time I had a problem in my life I was drinking.
Were you drinking, I was asked as I sat in my lawyer's office. Well yes but maybe only one beer. (he knew it was more then one) Still he answered... ahhh but you were drinking even if it was only one. I started to see the connection between my problems and my alcohol intake. Alcohol... if I could control it or not was making my life unmanageable. For me it sure seemed like a good time to do something about it.

Denial or the rest of the world is wrong and I am right...it didn't matter... Alcohol was not doing me any good.
As for the 12 steps... they are great tools for life even if we don't have a problem with alcohol. Look over your own post and see if you can see areas of your life that could have been better if you didn't drink or if you used the tools of recovery more.
2 beers a day? Is it a problem? Only you can answer that question.

ShouldIBeHere

Thank you both. I guess I'm trying to make sure I'm not deluding myself. My parents both have a history of some type of addiction or alcoholism. Since I've been drinking, I've been looking for other ways to "act out" on some of my other compulsions and just generally care less about working hard to do the right thing and be the best I can.
the 12 steps and a sponsor provided me a program to work and someone to bounce things off of.
And the shrink I mentioned I saw personally for years before I came to AA. She suggested I read the basic text of NA and see if I could identify with anything, which I could.... but can't everyone identify with feelings of not fitting in, feeling ill at ease, not feeling like everyone else, looking for ways to escape??

Anna

Of course, I identify with those feelings and I know many here have talked about that issue. That's often how alcohol seems to make our lives easier. But, drinking quickly led me to a horrible place and I have learned in recovery that I don't worry about fitting in so much anymore. In fact, by choice, I don't socialize as much having learned that I like to spend time by myself. I no longer have much interest in what others think of me and that has helped me a lot in feeling more at ease when I'm out. I feel free to be myself.

best

Not...Feeling... like everyone else but because of alcohol being a problem for me, I found out I am more like everyone else in more ways then not. The tools of recovery brought me closer to finding answers then those who never look at such tools. A contentment in life...A serenity and acceptance of life are the things I am gaining as I work through with the recovery tools I collect.

godsfavdrunk

Thanks for your post. You are where I have been. I don't really have answers for you, all I can say is Sunday will be six months sober. I did the sponsor fight because he didn't do the drug thing. Yes I'm an addict as well as a drunk. Just keep trying my friend is all I can say. There are many people right where you are. The bottom line is we are all trying to find what keeps us sober and sane.

Jersey Nonny

I learned, early on, it's not how much or how often, but the effect it has on you that matters. As for whether or not you belong in AA, the only requirement for membership is a desire to quit drinking...but, you already know that from your past experience with AA.

I once knew a gal whose sobriety I admired greatly...she never drank until she had a terrible breakup with her boyfriend. That weekend, she got smashed and blacked out...when she came to, she decided she never wanted to do that again. She started going to AA meetings with a friend...just out of curiosity. She became very active in the program, went on speaking commitments, shared at closed meetings...and, the only way she ever introduced herself was, "My name is_______, and I don't want to drink today." No one ever questioned whether she was or wasn't an alcoholic.

ShouldIBeHere

Is there something I can read to help me figure this out? Part of the Big Book? The 12 & 12?
Is it what happens to me while I am actually drinking or what happens in my life while I am not sober?
How can I discern between the lack of a spiritual program or the effects of alcohol?
Without a spiritual program, it seems to me that my desire to be connected spiritually gets lost in the daily shuffle and too much time passes by before I plug myself back in to recharge myself...
I've thought of saying what I've heard someone else say, which is " my name is ____and I don't want to drink any more." Don't want to be smart, but I don't want to drink any less either.

Anna

I just know that I focus every day on the spiritual, physical and mental aspects of my recovery. I have to. If I let things go for a few days, I start to feel out of balance and fragmented. For me, it's keeping the focus on my recovery.

Jersey Nonny

How about trying this? Quit drinking for 90 days...make as many meetings as you can (the 90 and 90 would be nice, but not imperative)...sit back, relax, and listen...read the literature...work the Steps, to the best of your ability (with or without a sponsor)...identify yourself as someone who doesn't want to drink for that day.

If you're only drinking two beers a day, withdrawal shouldn't be too much of a problem...sounds like your condition is more emotional/spiritual than physical. At the end of the 90 days, if you don't feel better than you do today, then maybe you're in need of some in-depth therapy (but, no one here is qualified to determine that).

laurenlanai25

hey thanks for sharing this!! i honestly never heard someone who wants to still work a program while drinking!! thats not being rude or sarcastic either, ive just never heard that before!! read the last page of the first step, p. 24.

keep sharing because i am definitely interested!!

Lindsay~

Hello

I'm in a similar situation, I dont actually think I should be here but I am at the moment. I stopped drinking yesterday and I have to say I am finding it relatively easy.

For reading, on my lurking here somebody suggested this thread where there are excerpts from the book "Under the influence"

It is a stunning insight into what makes an alcoholic. (thank you Green Tea) From what I can gather its physiological. A fault in the functioning of the liver and more than likely genetic. From reading this I think that I am safe but I would say, only from reading this, if its in your family then it more likely to be in you.

Good luck

Lindsay

Lindsay~

oops forgot to add the link!


xxx.soberrecovery.com/forums/alcoholism/103963-excerpts-under-influence.html

It appears I cannot post a link until I have 15 posts. Maybe xxx will work where www should be

Jersey Nonny

Actually, except for the first and last steps, there is no mention of alcohol. You could substitute just about anything in the first step over which you are powerless, and which is causing difficulty in your life. As for the 12th step, you could say, "...continued to carry this message to others...".

I wish everyone could/would use the concept of the 12 Steps...it's a great way to live...and, the world would be a much better place.

ShouldIBeHere

Thank you. I will read that thread.
I think it's kind of funny- like you mentioned- the 12 steps work, and the tools to a better life are there. However, I'm not willing to give up 2 beers a day to have access to a program that improved my life so much.
Anyone else see a problem here?

rloomer

My name's Rob and just wanted to say thanks for sharing your story. So many good people come here to share and it's why I've been here my whole shift for two days. ( that and because there's no work to do ). If you think maybe then keep coming back. I wasn't sure if I was going to make it through the night last night without a drink and I did. May not mean alot to alot of people but it's the first day I've been sober in three weeks. I'm going to do it again tonight and go to a meeting tomorrow. I'm easing my way into it, but seeing new people come in here all the time helps me realize that there's hope.

So please keep posting and believe there are people who, no matter what you throw on the table, you are helping by posting. Every word I've read I've taken something out of.

chicago

first off, thank you for posting. this has been an interesting read! i love all the different people coming through the rooms of AA. as far as whether or not you're alcoholic, only you can answer that. you dont have to look any further than the 1st step. if you are powerless over alcohol and you're life has become unmanageable...you are definitely alcoholic. can you stop drinking without AA? can you live a manageable life as a casual drinker? if so, that might answer you're question. how much somebody drinks has no baring on whether or not they're alcoholic. i probably have gotten drunk less than 20 times in my life. but when i drink, i have an alergic reaction that triggers a phenomenan of craving. this craving is for drugs....which makes me the definition of an alcoholic (even though i dont get drunk or crave alcohol). either way, i am glad you are here! please stick around even if you determine you're not alcoholic. i admire your desire to grow spiritually -regardless of alcoholism.

Pipes Mcgee

I understand when you say you actually "like" the taste of beer. But, seriously,...you should really honesty ask yourself if thats it. I mean, alot of people like the taste of Dr. Pepper. Or Lemonade. Or cranberry juice. Or tomato juice. Most of these people dont drink two to four of these a day. Alcohol dulls our feelings. It changes our thinking patterns and gives us a warm buzz. Thats what I liked, and thats what most people who drink alcohol like about it. If you truely just like the taste of beer, then why not just drink non-alcoholic beers? Its got the taste and none of the alcohol. Sounds like thats the perfect way to go!