GlassPrisoner

I can't say if you're an alcoholic or not.

If you are, and you are drinking though, that 2 beers a day will progress, as it IS a progressive disease.

There was a point in time when I could still "control" my drinking, but I eventually lost all control.

That said, a 12 step program is a wonderful way to live. Perhaps you should just embrace it and work it anyway. You did say you have many of the -isms....

Kellye C

Wow, this has been a good thread. I'm Kellye and I am an alcoholic. A little different story from some because I didn't start drinking alcoholically until the age of 35. I drank progressively more and more for 3 1/2 years and became physically dependent upon it to the point that I had to keep a steady amount in my system or suffer through shakes, throwing up and withdrawals. In that short amount of time I almost killed myself repeatedly with alcohol and was facing kidney and liver problems/failure when I came into AA in 2004. I have now been sober a tad over 3 years so I've been sober almost as long as I drank.

Now, after setting that all up I can get to my point. Through intensive work with my sponsor I discovered I had all the symptoms of not fitting in, not belonging, being better or worse than and basically just wanting to be invisible all my life. I had that spiritual hole in me that nothing would fill.

I used food for many years to fill that hole. I very rarely drank and would stop the second that I started feeling out of control. I binged one time on my 22nd birthday and became so ill that it left a lasting terror of being drunk that got me through the next 13 years.

I had weightloss surgery in 2000 and could no longer use food to fill that void within me. I was married to a practicing A who was a total *ss when drinking and I was the classic codependent. I did everything I could to keep him from drinking, control his drinking etc. Then I adopted an "if you can't beat em join em" attitude and proceeded to drink him under the table in a very short time. Needless to say I still had that hole and while alcohol would numb it and knock me out so I didn't have to face life it did nothing to improve my life.

It wasn't until I started working the AA steps and established a better relationship with my higher power that the hole started to fill in. The fourth and fifth step were the ultimate cleansing of my soul followed by more work to improve my life. My first sponsor actually asked me if I was sure I was really an alcoholic based on the short amount of time I drank. She drank again and is now dead. My current sponsor had absolutely no doubt what I was and neither did I.

You will have to find your own way on this. Maybe you are not alcoholic but you have experienced the benefits of working a 12 step program and not drinking. Seems to me it is up to you what you want to do at this point. What's more important at this point, those 2 - 4 beers or working a program? Is it possible for you to work the steps on another area of your life (such as your need to control as you stated in your post) and go from there?

I know people who are not alcoholic who are huge proponents of the 12 step program. Maybe you could find another area of your life to work them on and go from there. I don't know but it seems to me that you want that spiritual program so why can't you have it?

I hope some of my rambling has helped and I hope you will keep sharing as you figure this out.

Hugs,
Kellye C.

GlassPrisoner

Kelly, I love your story.

[/Hijack]

dave47

With myself,if i only had a couple of beers and was happy with that it wouldn't be a problem.But i've tried it and ended up going out for more,another boozy night planned.I'm sure that two or three over a period of time would easily become four or five and then more.I also do think that as much as you can enjoy drinking and the
taste,in between benders,one gradually becomes more miserable and cynical.Hope you can find whats missing in your life.

ShouldIBeHere

Oh, I'm definitely more miserable and cynical. Does that qualify me?
And though I thought that I could work some kind of a program while drinking, when it comes down to it, I drink two beers and the last thing on my mind is working on myself.
You made a good point about liking the taste- I don't drink 3-4 root beers a day.
So, if you stay away from the program and drink 2-3 beers a day and you begin to get cynical, irritable and other addictive behaviours show up, is that because of the alcohol? Or is it lack of a spiritual program?
And, if part of me thinks I want to stop drinking, then is that enough to go to a closed meeting?

rloomer

I just posted my story under my last thread. here's the link

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1491149

miss communicat

Dear Should

Thanks for this topic discussion.

I have a similar history with AA. Was in it for many years, and then left it for 9 years, stayed sober a few of those years and then did very moderate drinking for about 3 years. The moderate drinking years were the worst (ok. not the WORST, but defintely not the best) times of my adult life due to the emotional and spiritual stagnation.

Even 2 glasses of wine rendered me unwilling and unable to connect spiritually. I tried to control everything and everybody. I was not happy, joyous and FREE.

For a while I had this internal debate going on: am i really an alcoholic since I can control how much I drink? It stopped when I realized I was drinking more, and more and having more consequences. That wasa when I accepted that my disease was progressing and I quit totally. It took that amount of drinking and thinking for this alcoholic to be 100% ready to put it down and take all 12 steps again.


Hope any of this is helpful.

Keep sharing here and welcome!

ShouldIBeHere

Thank you for making me feel that I'm not alone and nuts : )

Rloomer- My God... I can't imagine what that's like. I wish you the best....

laurenlanai25

hi should!!

im not sure if it was intended to be perceived this way but in the 12x12 step 2 it says that we resign from the debating society and quit bothering with such deep questions whether it was the chicken or the egg that came first. either way i just try not to question it because when i did i drank and for me i know i dont want to go back there!!

ShouldIBeHere

I know my old sponsor told me to try not to think too much about the question.
But tonight, she told me she wouldn't take me to a closed meeting unless I raised my hand at the beginning and introduced myself as an alcoholic.
<Shrug> I went to an open meeting tonight and didn't drink, but I'm up later than usual, unable to sleep and finally got an ODoul's because the only other thing I have to drink besides water is Blueberry Ale or sweet tea (which may be keeping me up).

laurenlanai25

eh! just for me i went to open and closed meetings, so maybe i was wrong for doing so at the time, but it worked and i have been able not to pick up a drink for almost two months!! maybe i shouldnt have gone to those closed meetings but man if someone told me i couldnt go somewhere it would have made me very resentful! ahhaha...keep sharing and maybe try some new meetings in ur area where ur old spons doesnt attend!! you'll get ur answers im sure of it!! you may already have them somewhere deep inside you!!!

thanks for starting this thread!

Jersey Nonny

Oh, my! Don't know what kind of sponsor your sponsor has (usually they follow the lead of the one before...if you know what I mean). But, I would never issue ultimatums to anyone I sponsored...nor would I accept any from my sponsor. You don't need your sponsor to "take" you to a meeting...closed or otherwise.

As I've said before, you do not need to identify yourself as an alcoholic. I've been to closed meetings where a person was so obviously "under the influence", the leader would suggest they just "sit and listen tonight". And, I've never witnessed anyone ostracized because they were still drinking...or being asked to leave a meeting, unless they were downright disruptive. That is not what AA is all about.

With regard to the near-beer...read the label again...it contains .5% alcohol. Do you really like the taste that much? Personally, I always drank for effect...and .5% would never do it for me!

ShouldIBeHere

Well, here's the update. I went to the meeting, with my old grand-sponsor- (funny you should ask). She told me it's not how much you drink, but how it affects you. I still couldn't put that together until she said "look- it's the same if I took two hits of crack or smoked a whole bag. I'm still nuts either way." And... "Drinking takes me away from me; I'm just not the person I want to be when I'm drinking." And that last statement is what really clicked for me. I don't like who I am and where I'm not headed when I'm drinking.
So, for yesterday, the day before and hopefully today, I don't want to drink and therefore meet "the requirement".
As for the near-beer, I've had three in the last few days and they do taste good. Not as good as a blueberry ale, but I haven't seen any blueberry near beers either. I know it's not a good idea and that I need to find something else to drink....
Off to another meeting tonight with my old sponsor. Whatever she says and why- she's known me for about 10+ years... I trust her. She knows what she's doing. Btw... she didn't say I couldn't go to a meeting with her, just not a closed one.
Thanks for chiming in all and helping me make sense of my head, or allowing others to help me make sense and stay out of my head!!

Jersey Nonny

Quote:

Off to another meeting tonight with my old sponsor. Whatever she says and why- she's known me for about 10+ years... I trust her. She knows what she's doing. Btw... she didn't say I couldn't go to a meeting with her, just not a closed one.

Sorry...but, it seems to me she's taking your inventory, and she should know better than to do that. Are you then supposed to find other closed meetings...and, make sure you don't go to hers? Who leaves, if you happen to show up at the same one? JMHO, for what it's worth.

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

I go to one meeting where this gentleman would come in reeking of booze. Nobody ever asked him to leave. He kept coming. He's sober now. It is an open meeting however. I certainly wouldn't begin to take someone else's inventory. The struggle is different for all of us.

I admire your quest for spiritual growth!

Karen

ShouldIBeHere

No no no... She said if I wasn't an alcoholic, I didn't belong at closed meetings. Or, if I didn't want to stop drinking, I didn't belong there.
But since I do want to stop drinking, I can go to whichever meeting I want, open or closed.

rloomer

absolutely right. The only thing you need is a desire. Really, you could go to a closed meeting if you just think there's a possibility you might be an alcoholic and sit there and not say a word. The fact is, youo're there, and if you're there, there's a problem somewhere. Nobody in that meeting can judge you based on what they think your problem is.

I've always hated it when they get so damn political sometimes and it pisses me off quite frankly. excuse my lovely grammar.

Do what feels right and what really sucks about this program. ( not that there's a whole lot of things that suck ) is that people can tend to get so
self richeous (spell check) that their only mission has become to save everyone else. We've all met that guy/gal.