angexa

hey everyone. i could really use some advice right now. i joined this site almost 5 months ago, knowing that i had a problem with pain pills and that i wanted to get some support and advice. i have become addicted to lortab and it has taken control of my life. i started seeing a counselor about this problem, who referred me to another counselor, who in turn, referred me to go to a specific hospital for detox, one that both counselors highly recommended. so, i finally made the decision to go, planned time off from work, and voluntarily admitted myself into this hospital. first i went through the ER and then, after being cleared and stablized, i went into the detox unit, hoping to get therapy in addition to detox. i had called the hospital 3 times prior to going, and asked them what i would be doing while going through detox and they (the actual nurses there) made it clear that i would be extremely busy with group therapy throughout each day to help me while i was detoxing. i was told by my counselor to request a specific doctor in one of three units they have there, which specialized in drug dependancy. since that unit was full, they ended up putting me into another unit, which specialized in mental illnesses. i was the only one in there with a drug dependancy problem. all the other patients there had some kind of mental illness, like bipolar or depression. i was surrounded by people who were just insane and crazy. one girl had tried to commit suicide by hanging herself and you could see the marks around her neck. there was a guy there who would just shout out things like, HELP ME, HELP ME!!, and count numbers out loud. another girl was always pacing the floor and one night went off screaming and cussing at the staff and she was restrained and given a shot. there were so many more patients with these types of conditions and it was very confusing and difficult for me to deal with, while trying to detox, plus i was not allowed to smoke and the patch did NOT help me at all. i ended up staying for 3 days. the psychiatrist/doctor put me on suboxone (a very small dosage - 4mg) the 2nd day and then 2mg the 3rd day. after that, he let me go with no more suboxone. i would have requested to stay there longer, but i just could not be around these people anymore. the entire time i was there, i was provided with no therapy at all... nothing. all we could do was sit or sleep in our rooms, eat meals at specific times, and watch tv all day. since i was in this particular unit, i was treated like i was a crazy person, too, by the staff. it was just awful.

when i left, they even gave me my pain medication back that i had brought with me the first day. can u believe it?? i was so disturbed when i got out, disoriented and confused from being around all of these crazy people, and i felt like i had been suffocated and was just getting out of a mental institution or prison. so i ended up taking some pills when i got home. i felt so guilty and just awful about it, but at the same time, i didn't know what else to do to feel normal. after going through this, though, i knew that i could not go back to the amount i was taking before. i didn't go crazy and take a lot of pills. i only took a few, but it's still bad, i know.

i spent the entire next day making calls to my counselors and doctors and crisis help lines, trying to figure out what to do, but with not much luck. i was told by my counselor that i needed to see a psychiatrist ASAP (duh!!) to possibly get me back on suboxone or something to help me with my cravings and withdrawals, but i still have not heard back from any of the doctors/psychiatrists we (my counselor and i) called. i did go to an NA meeting last night and tonight, as requested by my counselor, and the meetings helped some, but i am just really concerned about where to go from here. it's like i'm not getting much help on this at all and i can't miss anymore work or they will start asking questions. i told my job that i was going into the hospital to have some tests done on my back, since i have fibromyalgia, and that they would need to monitor me. that's pretty much all i told them and they accepted that.

while i am waiting to hear from my counselor or a psychiatrist, can anyone provide me with any advice on what to do here? i feel that at this point, i could stop again without having too harsh of a withdrawal, but i don't want to end up where i was before. my counselor agrees that i will probably NOT need to go through detox again, but he's not a dr and cannot prescribe me the suboxone. it just really sux because i have vacation planned for next week to go visit my family in another state and i don't want to have this problem lingering me. i believe that i should have been put on the suboxone for a longer period of time than just 2 days, and i truly believe that that stuff would help me. but the doc let me go with no more. i guess i made him think that i was doing great, so that i could get out of this "mental institution". otherwise, who knows how long i would have been there?? and i couldn't stay another day, around those people... sorry this is so long, but i just need some help... fast!!!! thanx.

barb dwyer

Hi Angexa -

Welcome to SR.

Wow. One would think a state like FL would have better organization in their recovery services. Here in MT ... you'd expect something like that.

The one thing I kept thinking while reading your post was ....
"Make the decision. Make the decision".

When I sobered up - I had just the TINIEST little oxy problem. When detoxing, I don't know which pain was associated with what addiction, so I don't know if I can help you with what to expect. But I remember a good bit of joint pain. It went away in a couple of months.
Five years is longer than you think , so wanting to feel 'normal' ... probably isn't what you're going to readily associate with how you're actually going to feel while your body begins to heal. That's why the DECISION is so critical.
So very many people are so afraid of the discomfort - they'll go ahead and continue killing themselves, rather than have to 'feel' the 'inconvenience' of recovery.

The decision that nothing else matters as much as recovery must ... must be made.

Good for you finding a NA !!!! - go back. Maybe even find an open discussion meeting of AA if NA isn't frequent enough. Many AA groups include addicts in their 'open' meetings. It's fellowship you're going to need.

And finally - I'm sorry, but you're not going to be 'normal' by next week. You wrote that you needed help ... fast - and I agree. But I *think* what you *meant * was you needed this *over* fast ... and that's not going to happen.
YOU .. .have to make the decision.

Anything I can do to help - please, let me know.

You are right - you had no business being in that kind of facility, how appalling that you were even placed there. But there's hope in that ... even though it happened, you're still seeking help. I get great hope for you in reading that.

Don't give up. Try again.
People here on this site - care.
And we'll do whatever we're able to .. to help you.

Continue to ask for help - and posting here ... is as good as anywhere to begin. Please chaeck out the Substance Recovery forums and the stickys at the top of the pages.

*prayers*

barb

SlymJim

I can tell you that I had an experience =three times in the past 4 months with hospitals. One killed my father, one I sat for 5 hours with a piece of my eye hanging off and one treated me like a criminal for being an addict. In a world that is so accepting of drugs, people just dont want to help for whatever reason.

The best advice I can give you is to find a suboxone doctor to help you with maintenance and continue on that way...thats what I am trying, and will keep you posted with success or failure stories. Best of luck

angexa

hey barb and slymjim,

thanx so much for reading my post and responding with great words of wisdom. i'm so sorry it has taken so long for me to write back, but as i said in my first post, i was going on vacation the very next week.

so here's my update. i ended up coming in contact with a doctor/psychiatrist that prescribes suboxone and she was able to see me that very same day - this happened the very next day after i wrote my post. cool, huh? she was very thorough with me and spent over 3 hours with me, going over my complete history of taking this medication as well as several other areas of my life. she prescribed me the suboxone and i waited until i started getting withdrawal symptoms, around friday afternoon, about 18 hours after i had taken my last lortab, and i started taking it. i am on day 14 now - 2 weeks!! and i feel awesome. i have had no pain, no withdrawals, no cravings, nothing. of course, i don't get the "high" that i got with the lortabs, but i feel so much better physically and emotionally in every way. of course, i still have the psychological cravings, but only a little, and i will continue to see the psychiatrist to help me through those issues. people at work and my family (who i went on vacation to see) all say that they can see a positive change in me. i have been attending NA meetings every night, except for the days i was on the road.

oh, and barb, thanx for your post, but just to clarify... i wasn't looking to feel "normal" - i knew that wasn't going to happen right away and i didn't even know if the suboxone would make me feel that way in the beginning, but fortunately it did. i never said anything about feeling "normal" or wanting this to be "over" fast. i knew that this would be an adjustment. my main concern was that i wanted to make sure that i would be able to take my trip (drive over 12 hours) to visit my family. that's why i needed help so quickly. i didn't want to be driving while feeling miserable with the withdrawals, including diarrhea (not a good thing when taking a long trip on the road... LOL!!). and i guess i didn't say it clearly enough in my original post (it was already too long... LOL), but i DID "make the decision" several months ago to quit. it was just a matter of how. that's why i started seeing a counselor several months ago and spent hours and hours online researching ways to get off of this stuff, because i knew i had a problem and wanted help. but with my job (it's a company that would frown upon this type of disease - addiction to narcotics), i had to be very careful about how i went about getting the help i needed without them finding out about it. (if they did find out, i would most likely lose my security clearance and possibly my job). so it wasn't a matter of making the decision, it was just that i wanted to go about it the right way and plan ahead.

regardless, suboxone has worked very well for me and i haven't felt this great in years. and i'm already down to 6 mg/day. she started me at 12 mg/day. i'll probably be down to 4mg/day next week.

thanx again to both of you for your advice and support...

angela

Anna

That's good news Angie, I'm glad things are going well!

Viki

Angexa....Please keep trying to see a Dr. I would hate to hear that you were one of the ones that fell through the cracks due to the "system".

angexa

hey viki, yes, i am still seeing a doctor/psychiatrist (the one who prescribes the suboxone). she called me everyday while i was out on vacation, checking on me. besides prescribing me the medication, she also works with me on a psychological level, since i obviously have an addictive personality. she's helping me with that. also, i am seeing my addictions counselor on a weekly basis as well. i have an appt with him tomorrow at noon. plus i am attending NA meetings every night, except for wed. nights when i go to church.

i never gave up, even when i left the hospital all messed up. i knew that there was some way to get through this and with God's help and my perseverence, i believe i am headed in the right direction. plus i have my entire family's support. they all know and have been nothing but loving and supportive. i consider myself blessed in that area. = )

thanx again,
angela

Viki

Your last post sounded so much better than your original first post. I am so glad that found a Dr. that is willing to help. i am a clinical psychologist and you sound like you happenedto find a Dr. that really wants to help you. There are a few good ones out there. You just have to sort through the riff raff sometimes. That's bad too because that's where people fall through the proverbial crack. Kepp up the good work. I'm glad the suboxone is working for you. It isn't everyones cup of tea. You will be in prayers tonight. Viki

bval

Its funny, I read your first post and then began to write my reply to you, then I noticed it was like two weeks old, so I decided to scroll down the page and see if you'd written again and guess what? You'd done almost exactly what I was getting ready to suggest...

Glad you found a Dr. to prescribe you the bupe. I had a very similar problem to yours (well, quite a bit worse, I think, but same drugs) and I detoxed off of buprenorphine over a six month period which ended 95 days ago. I have been 100% clean ever since, with the help of my loved ones, and the AA/NA program.

DISCLAIMER: The following should be considered personally gathered, and purely anecdotal advice, and is in no way a substitute for that of your health care professional!

I had the same experience on bupe as you have, I basically consider it a miracle drug. It's really really key I think for people know they WANT to quit, but who have to find a way to go on working for a bit before they can take a bunch of time off to properly detox. I soon found it makes you feel wonderfully normal, a very stabilizing influence, and a welcome relief from the CONSTANT up/down and 'chasing' you have to do to maintain a 'normal' opioid addiction. Another thing they might not have told you is ... even if DO actually take your drug of choice, it's really not even going to get you high while you're on bupe, so ... take it from me ... it ain't worth the trouble. Once you're on bupe, you're locked into how it makes you feel for at least a couple days after your last dose. There will simply not be any 'getting high' on opiates for you while you're on it. Which really does make it easier, in my book...

It sounds to me like you are well on the road, and are doing all the right things. You should have no problem getting along on 4mg a day, btw, but of course, just do what your doctor (she sounds AWESOME) tells you and you should be through this in no time. Just to prepare you, withdrawals from bupe is no fun, but it's not as acutely bad as cold turkey from a pure opioid agonist like hydrocodone. With the help of the meds my doc prescribed me (clonidine, neurontin, ambien), I really only felt horrible for about 96 hours before I started getting noticeably better (it does take about 48 hours off of bupe before you really start feeling bad, too). It was about a month before getting rid of the feeling of being over-adrenalized (yet, oddly, very easily fatigued), but as I say, within a week of quitting the bupe I was really not suffering to speak of. And at no point did I experience the really extreme discomfort that you get from going cold turkey off of short-acting agonists.

The key with the bupe is to TAPER DOWN (like you your doc has you doing) and don't EVER let yourself go back 'up' again, not even one day, esp. when you start getting close to your quit date. This can be difficult to manage on your own once you start getting your dose below where it keeps you totally comfortable, so if I were you (hell, it's what I did!) I wouldn't hesitate to ask family to divvy your meds out to you as you get close to quitting. The less you've been doing, obviously, the easier it's going to be when you quit. But of course, as I'm REQUIRED to say, follow your docs advice. I'd be surprised if it was different, but ... hey ... They keep me on a short leash around here ... what can I say?

Also, do keep coming back (to NA and to SR) cause it WORKS Let us know how we can help. Lots of us been down the same road ...