im pissed I have this disease
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 14
Yah...I got pissed the other night too. My friend was drinkin a Guinness at dinner and I was like "@#@$#". I used to love stouts. This restraunt had a slue of unique stouts on tap. Creamy and dark...
But jesus, the cost of those stouts.
Now my life is turning into something beautiful. I am beautiful. It's not worth the fall. I'm climbing up the well and I'm starting to look down...I can't afford being at the bottom anymore.
But jesus, the cost of those stouts.
Now my life is turning into something beautiful. I am beautiful. It's not worth the fall. I'm climbing up the well and I'm starting to look down...I can't afford being at the bottom anymore.
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
Attitude of Gratitude
Originally Posted by Rusty Zipper 
bfreenot one bit!
bfree... i used to hear these people say... hi, i'm so and so, and i'm a grateful alcoholic...
as i was so po'd about the state of misery i was in...
well, I'm rusty, and now i too, am a grateful alcoholic...
bfree... i used to hear these people say... hi, i'm so and so, and i'm a grateful alcoholic...
as i was so po'd about the state of misery i was in...
well, I'm rusty, and now i too, am a grateful alcoholic...
Personally, I think society (in general) places too much importance on alcoholic beverages...considering all the harm they can cause. Let's not give that stuff so much power!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: FRIENDSWOOD, TEXAS
Posts: 500
I have 29 days sober today and I have gone thru being angry that I cannot drink or take xanax and mad cause I cant drink like normal people and what is wrong with me, why was I cursed with this disease. These thoughts were there mostly in the beiginning when I first quit. Now I don't even have the desire for alcohol or even want to drink, I have lost the urge to drink. I think it has made me a better person and I am a stronger person because of it. I am very thankful to god for helping me not want to drink and thankful to everyone around me giving me support and thankful cause I can wake up in the morning and not have to drink or take a pill to make myself feel better and stop the shakes and not have to worry about if I have enough alcohol and pills that will last me and I am saving money and not waking up hungover and drinking and driving and my relationships have improved including my relationship with myself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benifit others
That said, no one says in 3rd grade "I wanna be a hopeless alcoholic(addict) when I grow up "
Just accept the fact that you have it, recover, and make the best of it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Denver, Colorado
Posts: 81
Me too!
Lately I find myself getting angry at my family because of the LONG history of alcoholics and mental illness through the generations. My parents never talked about it and no one ever got any help. I was thinking the other day about one of my favorite uncles who died when he fell on the ice and hit his head coming home from a bender at the bar. I also had an aunt commit suicide (booze and pills). I know my anger isn't going to change anything, and I guess I am just trying to purge it out of myself so that I can move on. I don't like feeling so angry! Is this all part of the healing process? Based on what some of you others have posted - it appears so. I know it has to be a stage.
Daisy
Lately I find myself getting angry at my family because of the LONG history of alcoholics and mental illness through the generations. My parents never talked about it and no one ever got any help. I was thinking the other day about one of my favorite uncles who died when he fell on the ice and hit his head coming home from a bender at the bar. I also had an aunt commit suicide (booze and pills). I know my anger isn't going to change anything, and I guess I am just trying to purge it out of myself so that I can move on. I don't like feeling so angry! Is this all part of the healing process? Based on what some of you others have posted - it appears so. I know it has to be a stage.
Daisy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
I dont know anger, resentment and the fact that the thought of not drinking freaks me out. I rely on beer for everything. If im mad, sad, happy or just plain thirsty.
Lately I havent been drinkin to get drunk and its been 46 days without coke. Although I did almost have a breakdown over the weekend.
Im sorry to say I pcked up some zanax the other day and hated the feeling. Which really suprised me cause I thought I missed them so much. But I hated the fact that they took my energy away and made me want to do coke to get it back. I still have some and have no desire to do them.
Their going in the garbage.
Oh well I am still pissed, but I dont think I am as mad about the actual disease as I am about where it has taken me.
Lately I havent been drinkin to get drunk and its been 46 days without coke. Although I did almost have a breakdown over the weekend.
Im sorry to say I pcked up some zanax the other day and hated the feeling. Which really suprised me cause I thought I missed them so much. But I hated the fact that they took my energy away and made me want to do coke to get it back. I still have some and have no desire to do them.
Their going in the garbage.
Oh well I am still pissed, but I dont think I am as mad about the actual disease as I am about where it has taken me.
The truth shall set you free
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: United States
Posts: 5,267
Hi beth
I wrote this here on SR when I had ten months of recovery. Working on my 4th step I got in touch with these feelings. With all dew respect maybe you can identify.
Hi all
I am my tenth month in to recovery and I still have those days… At first I tried to hold my tears back… the result… I felt like crap.
Tonight I got touch with feelings from my past that made me cry. Thanks to my 12 step program, my sponsor. It works if you work it.
This time around, my eyes are open.
Imagine getting up in the morning and what you perceive to be reality, in all that you see - in all that you feel. I look in the mirror and I see a person, a person who is full of fear, distrust and emptiness.
I carry around repressed pain, terror, shame, rage, guilt, from my childhood, but as a young adult I do not recognize these feelings. I build walls around me to protect me from the outside world. I don’t want you to discover me, even though I don’t know who I am.
I put on an image and begin to play lets pretend. I create an illusion of self. So now the show must go on.
I live this image, day in and day out. This lie I created, this emotional state, this desire to escape reality, has very painful consequences. As I live in this lie, I want you to like me. Everything I touch, anything I perceive to be love, people, places and things are false. These choices I made are from my wounded soul. I created a world around me of false self.
I continue living with this false self. Since I was attempting to do life according to false beliefs I could never have any inner peace. I judged my self and my life experience, both consciously and unconsciously, out of a my dysfunctional belief system, so that its not possible to stop being at war within. At the core of my being, I felt like I was a defective monster, some kind of shameful, unlovable loser, and I directed this pain toward others.
I created a false self to run away from the pain of childhood. And I substituted one hellish nightmare for another. At seventeen came that first drink. Drinking justified all my wrong doings. Took away all the repressed pain, terror, shame, rage, guilt - that I was so desperately running away from. Alcohol made me feel alive. Alcohol reinforced my false self. I spent many years living a lie. Many years abusing substances.
With my addictive, mind / mood altering substance behavior, the very thing that brought some relief from the internal war and mental anguish - the substance or behavior that gives me feelings of escape, of rising above my life of quiet desperation, of feeling good becomes something that I feel is necessary just to feel normal. Then eventually, normal becomes very low indeed.
In active addiction, I used character defects as a shield against attack. This was my 'survival kit'. I seldom told the truth because I lived in an illusion created and maintained by my lies. Fear and distrust motivated me to build walls to protect me from emotional or physical harm, only to discover that these walls had become my prisons. I used anger and intimidation to keep people away. Fear of people approaching me. I feared that if they got too close they would see through the games I was playing to the hollow inside.
What I realize now - is that I was released from alcoholic hell and found myself in codependent hell. My relationship with my self and with life condemned me to codependent hell - and alcohol and drugs had given me a vacation of sorts from dealing with the fact that I did not have a clue of how to live life in a functional way.
Every time I go through a surrender in my recovery I am letting go of some of the ego definitions, character defect that have defined my relationship with myself and life. I have to let go of the attitudes and beliefs that I adapted because of the emotional trauma that I suffered as a child (which are still buried in my subconscious until I became willing to look at them and let them go.
Working on my recovery, I am better able to notice my character defects, short-comings, negative thoughts, anger, and personality flaws. When we are honest with ourselves we gain the capacity for positive change to occur. Our desire for positive change helps us to feel better about ourselves. We become more aware of our true person, enabling us to have the opportunity to make the required changes necessary to grow in our recovery.
I will not fear life anymore. Instead I will challenge it.
Peace and Love
Ivan
Beth,
It is just as important to be honest with ourselves. Why should we lie our lives away? Now we have the chance to make amends, heal our past wounds, rebuild our relationships based on trust, along with many other things.
Working our recovery, we are better able to notice our character defects, short-comings, negative thoughts, anger, and personality flaws. When we are honest with ourselves we gain the capacity for positive change to occur. Our desire for positive change helps us to feel better about ourselves. We become more aware of our true person, enabling us to have the opportunity to make the required changes necessary to grow in our recovery.
An ever-increasing amount of opportunities for personal growth in our recovery awaits us as we are honest about our addiction, our addictive behaviors, and our powerlessness.
By being honest, we are open to utilize the many other spiritual principles offered in the 12 Steps of recovery. I've learned that I must be honest regarding all aspects of my life if I am to continue along the road that leads to further personal growth, spiritual enrichment, and positive change.
Today I have over three years substance free. I live in peace. Through the foundation of Narcotics Anonymous and the Twelve Steps, one day at a time am able to remove the insanity that comes with this disease and so can you.
A grateful recovery addict,
Ivan
I wrote this here on SR when I had ten months of recovery. Working on my 4th step I got in touch with these feelings. With all dew respect maybe you can identify.
Hi all
I am my tenth month in to recovery and I still have those days… At first I tried to hold my tears back… the result… I felt like crap.
Tonight I got touch with feelings from my past that made me cry. Thanks to my 12 step program, my sponsor. It works if you work it.
This time around, my eyes are open.
Imagine getting up in the morning and what you perceive to be reality, in all that you see - in all that you feel. I look in the mirror and I see a person, a person who is full of fear, distrust and emptiness.
I carry around repressed pain, terror, shame, rage, guilt, from my childhood, but as a young adult I do not recognize these feelings. I build walls around me to protect me from the outside world. I don’t want you to discover me, even though I don’t know who I am.
I put on an image and begin to play lets pretend. I create an illusion of self. So now the show must go on.
I live this image, day in and day out. This lie I created, this emotional state, this desire to escape reality, has very painful consequences. As I live in this lie, I want you to like me. Everything I touch, anything I perceive to be love, people, places and things are false. These choices I made are from my wounded soul. I created a world around me of false self.
I continue living with this false self. Since I was attempting to do life according to false beliefs I could never have any inner peace. I judged my self and my life experience, both consciously and unconsciously, out of a my dysfunctional belief system, so that its not possible to stop being at war within. At the core of my being, I felt like I was a defective monster, some kind of shameful, unlovable loser, and I directed this pain toward others.
I created a false self to run away from the pain of childhood. And I substituted one hellish nightmare for another. At seventeen came that first drink. Drinking justified all my wrong doings. Took away all the repressed pain, terror, shame, rage, guilt - that I was so desperately running away from. Alcohol made me feel alive. Alcohol reinforced my false self. I spent many years living a lie. Many years abusing substances.
With my addictive, mind / mood altering substance behavior, the very thing that brought some relief from the internal war and mental anguish - the substance or behavior that gives me feelings of escape, of rising above my life of quiet desperation, of feeling good becomes something that I feel is necessary just to feel normal. Then eventually, normal becomes very low indeed.
In active addiction, I used character defects as a shield against attack. This was my 'survival kit'. I seldom told the truth because I lived in an illusion created and maintained by my lies. Fear and distrust motivated me to build walls to protect me from emotional or physical harm, only to discover that these walls had become my prisons. I used anger and intimidation to keep people away. Fear of people approaching me. I feared that if they got too close they would see through the games I was playing to the hollow inside.
What I realize now - is that I was released from alcoholic hell and found myself in codependent hell. My relationship with my self and with life condemned me to codependent hell - and alcohol and drugs had given me a vacation of sorts from dealing with the fact that I did not have a clue of how to live life in a functional way.
Every time I go through a surrender in my recovery I am letting go of some of the ego definitions, character defect that have defined my relationship with myself and life. I have to let go of the attitudes and beliefs that I adapted because of the emotional trauma that I suffered as a child (which are still buried in my subconscious until I became willing to look at them and let them go.
Working on my recovery, I am better able to notice my character defects, short-comings, negative thoughts, anger, and personality flaws. When we are honest with ourselves we gain the capacity for positive change to occur. Our desire for positive change helps us to feel better about ourselves. We become more aware of our true person, enabling us to have the opportunity to make the required changes necessary to grow in our recovery.
I will not fear life anymore. Instead I will challenge it.
Peace and Love
Ivan
Beth,
It is just as important to be honest with ourselves. Why should we lie our lives away? Now we have the chance to make amends, heal our past wounds, rebuild our relationships based on trust, along with many other things.
Working our recovery, we are better able to notice our character defects, short-comings, negative thoughts, anger, and personality flaws. When we are honest with ourselves we gain the capacity for positive change to occur. Our desire for positive change helps us to feel better about ourselves. We become more aware of our true person, enabling us to have the opportunity to make the required changes necessary to grow in our recovery.
An ever-increasing amount of opportunities for personal growth in our recovery awaits us as we are honest about our addiction, our addictive behaviors, and our powerlessness.
By being honest, we are open to utilize the many other spiritual principles offered in the 12 Steps of recovery. I've learned that I must be honest regarding all aspects of my life if I am to continue along the road that leads to further personal growth, spiritual enrichment, and positive change.
Today I have over three years substance free. I live in peace. Through the foundation of Narcotics Anonymous and the Twelve Steps, one day at a time am able to remove the insanity that comes with this disease and so can you.
A grateful recovery addict,
Ivan
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